I want to just talk about what I say to be four and actually, I'll say, five
things that are very important for every Highly Sensitive person. And the first
one is that you should appreciate this trait. That you should know that it's
real. Know that it's real because you're among eighty percent of the population
who don't think it's real, don't have it. We all think other people are going to
be like ourselves. At the University of Hamburg they, the non-sensitive students
were saying, Well how am I supposed to know if someone's Highly Sensitive? and I
really wasn't sure what to tell them. And one of them said, "Especially because I'm
not highly sensitive, so I don't notice the difference between people." So, so
you're gonna have to get it yourself that this is real. And look around the room.
Look at all the people who came, this is real. My website - there's thirty -
this month there's thirty six thousand people who are subscribing. They don't
read what I write, but they click about, about four thousand click through and
I'm sure there's none of them finished. But they get it and they haven't
unsubscribed yet. So, the sales of the books, the other animals with this trait -
just, just get it that it's real. The second thing that you have to do is then,
when you get it that it's real, you have to change your lifestyle. if you haven't
yet, get going, because you're going to have to do it. You're different and that
means that you just can't live the same as other people. You have to keep the
stress level down, the stimulation down. You have to make use of your trait and
not be operating against it. So you know downtime and just preach the old sermon
again - I'm up here so I guess I can preach a sermon - you gotta take downtime every day.
You need ideally a couple hours where you can just let your mind float.
I recommend meditation but sweeping the floor is fine, going for a walk. But don't
have things in your ears and don't have anyone talking to you. Just, you need time
by yourself. That gives you time to process all this stuff that is coming.
It's like trying to digest stuff, and when you do that you'll actually get
good ideas. So it's like doing less and accomplishing more, in terms of your work
life. If you take time off from your work you'll actually have much better ideas.
It's very true for everyone but more so for sensitive people. So don't plan every
minute of your life unless you're going to plan in down time. And be sure to get
enough time in bed, even if you have trouble not sleeping because you're over
stimulating. When you get over stimulated you're not going to be able to sleep.
That's a real curse for sensitive people too. But stay in bed for eight hours and
if you keep your eyes closed - 80% of your stimulation comes in through
your eyes - so you're still getting good rest, if you'll just spend that time in
bed. And I know some of the sleep people say get up and read or something if
you're not sleeping, but I'm not sure that's the best thing for sensitive
people. And I think people should take a day off a week, if they can. Parents, of
course, are excepted from this, but my husband I have always tried to keep a
sort of a Sabbath, a day when we don't do any work and we get everything done.
We don't run errands, we don't do anything but sleep late and do something we feel
like doing. But sleeping late should be the first priority. And I think vacations
are better off spaced through the year, like a week every quarter, rather than
one big vacation. But whatever you do, don't plan your whole vacation in terms
of activity. If you're going to have an active vacation then you should also
have another vacation for, for resting or sleep as the highest priority, and maybe
you go someplace you've been to every year, or you stay home and just, just take
it easy. You need to just cut down on the stimulation that's not necessary. You
know, there's stuff - I don't know if you've noticed how much there is to read
all the time. I mean everyone's competing for our attention all the time. So you
have to keep your eyes off of that stuff if you can because it's . . . I was at the
grocery store you know those little things that they, they put between your
bunch of stuff for the next person's bag. Well, in one grocery store that
advertisement is all over. Those advertisements and magazines and everything
all around me ,and I just realized, gee
you know, my eyes are being invited to process, process, process. So try not to
pay attention to that stuff. And say no, say no to things that you don't have to do.
Nobody knows but you if you're tired. Nobody knows but you if you're at your limit.
Nobody else can see it, especially because we're so adaptive and we're so
nice, and we're so aware of what other people need and what other people are feeling.
But you have to say no. So that's another thing that sensitive people
often have trouble with. When you are experiencing a lot of high stimulation,
you should take breaks. Take breaks before you're exhausted. So you know,
take, take a break. Take care of your hunger. One of the items on the ....... is that
being hungry affects us more. It does affect us more. I don't know why exactly,
but be sure to eat, you know, meals at a regular time. And lean on your friends
who understand your sensitivity. Because, you know, first of all we can talk about
relationships when we take questions, if you want. But it's just very important
that the people around you, that you're closest to, understand your sensitivity,
either because they are Highly Sensitive or that they're not, but they get it, in
that they get it that all the positive things as well as the problem things, and
then they help you with the problems because they want the benefit of the
positive things. And you know, I can see some people have really bright light in
their eyes. Feel free to change seats. Because it's, it's kind of, I know it
shifts, but at times it's really bright. So be feel free to go sit over there,
it's alright. You can sit here. Because it looks really uncomfortable. See it's
making me uncomfortable.
So social support can protect you from the effects of over stimulation. You know
just two people together are often less anxious and over stimulated than one person.
So if you just do something with another person. But also people can
protect you. My husband is not here this time but he usually comes to every place
where I speak. And he has a deal where he comes at a certain
minute. We but we've agreed on the time and he comes and says, "It's time to leave."
And it doesn't matter how many people are talking to me, he starts yanking me out
the door and that's how he protects me. But I think the thing that, that is more
important that we haven't put so much attention on, is taking advantage of our
assets. 'Cause if we're in the right job, in the right relationship, and the right
environment, then we just flourish, and then the other stuff kind of takes care of itself.
Our philosophy tends to be to do it once
and do it right. So that's great. That's that just means that we're likely to
have things right. We tend to make good decisions. And we tend to have good
intuition and be pretty creative, and good at sensing what other people need.
So put yourself in a place where those things are paying off for you, and get
out of the places where it's not working. So I think that's most - okay, I said two
things that people need: to believe their trait is real and to change their
lifestyle. The third one that I'd like to say is that you then need to go back and
reframe your life in terms of your sensitivity. Go back and think about the
things that really hit your self esteem. For instance, the times when you fail the
times when you made decisions that you, you just had to give up this
relationship, you just had to not take this job, even though you really wanted
it and everybody else thought it was the best thing for you, but you had to quit.
I could have nationwide support groups for all the lawyers who have quit law after
going through law school. Law school is a great place for sensitive
people we can study and learn all those facts and everything but it's, it's a not
a very good profession for most sensitive people. So we, we need to like -
Okay, now I understand why I stopped being a lawyer and went through all that
for quote "nothing". We never go through anything for nothing, but it can feel
that way. So just reframing your life. You can just
start thinking about it, and it takes time. But it's important to do because it
changes the whole way you feel about yourself. And you just, you have to get it
that's your, that you've been a un . . . you know people have looked at you kind of
and said, What's the matter with you? or Why are you being that way? and so all
that stuff kind of settles in and you have to kind of throw it off. Now I know
I am this way. Jacqueline Strickland who runs these HSP
gatherings, she's always talking about empowerment.
You know, empowering highly sensitive people. I think it's true and then the
last thing I say is, that if you've had a troubled childhood then you want to work
on healing those wounds, so that you're not being affected by depression and
anxiety and all that so much, and, and that's a project. It can be a big project
for many sensitive people. I know a lot of sensitive people were wrestling with
really horrific childhoods. In fact I wrote a blog. I have a Psychology Today
blog, and I wrote something called the Wound With No Name, because of the
certain people among us who cannot work or cannot be in a relationship or
chronically ill with something that's highly stress-related. And when we
when we notice them or find out you know talk them and find out from one way or
another about them . . . I mean, nobody knows why they are that way. But if you go and
ask, you will always, almost always find a story of a horrible childhood. So we
don't have a name for it, we don't have any way of, you know, we don't. . . you know
it's not visible, but it's there. And I know lots of Highly Sensitive people
deal with that. And then people say, Well, everybody had a troubled childhood. or
Just forget about the past. But you can't do that when you're Highly Sensitive.
It's not that easy. So that's another . . . The other thing
that I sort of throw in as the fifth one, is that you should meet other Highly
Sensitive people which - you can check that off your list, you've got there, you're
having this experience. But to be in a room with other Highly Sensitive people
is quite unique and it's hard to describe,
except I've discovered from my few speaking experiences with, with a mixed,
"mixed audience" I'm very uncomfortable. There is something so nice about
speaking to Highly Sensitive people and and I suspect that you can feel it. So I
used to say that it's like being in church, but I can't say that here. But has
that quality. Which brings up just another point that I don't usually say
much about, and that is that Highly Sensitive people are highly spiritual.
And even if they're atheists, they're very strong about their atheism because
we think about things a lot. We go deeply into thinking about things - where things
came from, where things are going, why they're the way they are. In fact in the
book, I've talked about the warrior kings and the priestly advisors, and we just
naturally go into that priestly advisor role of the people who are the, you know,
experts in science and philosophy and medicine, but also the people who have
thought about spiritual things. So I like to joke that the warrior king is dying
on the battlefield. He's laying there and he's saying, "How did I get here?
Get my priestly advisor!", who will then come and explain about life and death
and mortality and God and shrive them or whatever is in that tradition. So, I'm
going to say something else which is depressing, but important, I think. I think
almost all Highly Sensitive people are upset about global warming. It's a topic
nobody wants to bring up. And since people don't want to bring it up around
non-sensitive people because it upsets and upsets everybody. But I think it's
part of some kind of a spiritual digestive processing thing for us all to
chew on and I think it'll make a difference if we chew on it. So I bring
it up, and there are lots of different ways to chew on it. And of course,
we have to do what we can do. But just there's something happening that's very
interesting and very profound in the world right now. So just the reason why I
bring it up is because I don't think there's a person in the room who's not
upset by it. So let's just bring it out and say that, rather than having it
stuffed down inside. Maybe a few people have already worked it through to some
place of peace, but we need to, we need to look at the very big picture and
sometimes that's a help. And, of course, to know that there are lots and lots and
lots and lots of people who are trying to do something about it that are not so
visible. Okay, said my piece about that, because I've kind of sworn that I would
say something about it because I feel that it's better to face it and do
something than to just deny it.