[Midgard Channel 7 News Jingle]
TOM: Breaking news: Giant monsters known as "WEAPONS" have—
SAM: Tom?
TOM: You're f**king with me...
Sam, i-is this a thing—
—that's happening right now?
SAM: Well…the footage is a week old.
TOM: [anger increasing] A WEEK!??
These things have been wandering around for a week and no one has bothered to tell me!?
And "WEAPON"!?! That's the best you could come up with!?
SAM: It was in some notes we found. Look, look. Tom. Tom!
I get it, okay? You're freaking out.
TOM: It flies, Sam! It f**king flies!!
SAM: Can we...can we please be professional and move on to our other story?
TOM: I'm sorry, Sam, but no. There is nothing else—
SAM: Look, we've got to report that Shinra's most wanted have been captured and—
TOM: [sarcastically] Oh my God, Shinra's Most Wanted has been captured. Yay! They were such a big threat.
They're f**king people, Sam!!
These are giant f**king monsters!
THERE IS NO OTHER NEWS THAT IS BIGGER THAN THI—
SAM: [sigh] Tom…
TOM: I'm done. I'm out. I'm f**king out. F**k you, and f**k the news. SAM: Tom, come on, don't—don't slow-roll away.
SAM: Goddammit… At least the censor guy was on point.
Censor Guy: YOU'RE F**KING WELCOME!!!
[Opening Theme]
TIFA: *groans*
…B-Barret?
BARRET: Hey.
You took a hell of a spill on the Highwind—knocked you unconscious for about a week.
TIFA: Ugh, yeah, smells like I've been out for a week.
What's been going down?
BARRET: Eh, nothing much. Those giant-ass monsters have been wreaking havoc all over the planet,
there's a giant barrier over Northern Crater protecting Sephiroth, and Shinra brought us to Junon
while everyone else done f**ked off after we escaped. So yeah, longest f**king Tuesday of my life.
TIFA: Okay…
But…what happened with—
BARRET: Tifa…
I say this…with zero humorous intent:
Cloud...
Cloud…he f**ked up.
TIFA: Mother of Shiva...
How much longer until impact?
BARRET: Not sure. Apparently Rufus has a plan, but…
It's Shinra, so…
TIFA: Eh, we're pretty much prisoners, right? Are we able to call somebody for help?
BARRET: Yeah...I tried that.
BARRET [on phone]: Heeey, Priscilla...
Now I know things with TSUNAMI didn't work out, but—
*splash*
PRISCILLA: Feck 'im.
[Mr. Dolphin makes sound]
RUFUS: Helloooo, AVALANCHE!
I hope you are both doing well.
I'm just here to inform y'all that the all-you-can-eat buffet and showers are now open!
And yes, that is very much a jab at you, Tifa—my GOD, woman; I can smell you from here.
TIFA: Oh, that's funny. I can smell your bullshit from here, too.
RUFUS: Now, now, I'm not the bad guy here.
I'm just trying to make y'all comfortable before your execution.
BARRET: I'm sorry, you want to say that the f**k again?!
See now, THIS is why I didn't want to open with that.
But yes. Y'all are going to be executed live on the Shintranet for millions to see.
BARRET: What the hell man??! We didn't do nothing!!!
RUFUS: Well, there's the bombings, meddling in my affairs, and—this is the biggest one by the way—
see that giant ball in the sky that isn't the Sun that's about to fall down on us? Yeah…
YOUR friend caused that, and since we don't know where HE is—
TIFA: Wait wait wait—
You guys haven't found Cloud?
RUFUS: Honestly…with everything, plus finding out the thing
my father's been searching for his entire life was nothing more than a fairy tale
has left me in a questionable state of mind…!
So I just let Scarlet and Heidegger take care of it. And since they haven't told me anything we're all just kind of assuming—
TIFA: Don't you f**king say it…
RUFUS: Tifa.
Just because I don't say anything,
doesn't make it any less true.
HEIDEGGER: Pardon me for sliding into your DMs, sir, but the stream is all set and ready to go!
Also, the showers have stopped working and the breakfast buffet is just melons.
BARRET: You breakfast betraying motherf**kers!
HEIDEGGER: Also, if you could not swear on stream, that would be great. We're trying to keep this public execution PG.
TIFA: Oh, well in that case...
F**k your breakfast,
F**k your breakfast, f**k your shower,
F**k your breakfast, f**k your shower, f**k your suit,
f**k your shower, f**k your suit, f**k those chairs,
f**k your suit, f**k those chairs, f**k these computers,
f**k those chairs, f**k these computers, f**k these stairs,
f**k these computers, f**k these stairs, f**k this hallway,
f**k these stairs, f**k this hallway, f**k this chamber,
f**k this hallway, f**k this chamber, oh and most importantly:
F**K. YOU.
SCARLET: I wouldn't talk so big if I were you, slum girl.
No one's coming to save you; not Barret or Cid or…
…what WAS the name of that cute, blonde, spiky-haired man you were always tagging along with?
It was something stupid right?
TIFA: How about I knock you the f**k out to help jog your memory you bitch!
*SLAP*
SCARLET: Baroness!
Regardless, he couldn't come to save you even if he wanted to.
Not in the shape we found him in…
OHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!
SCARLET: All right, mods. Time to give these losers-with-nothing-better-to-do a show.
SECURITY ANNOUNCER: Alert! WEAPON approaching!
GUY 1: IT'S WEAPON!! GUY 2: I DIDN'T SUB TO DIE!!
SCARLET: Come back here! GOD, what do I don't pay you for?!
???: Hey Scarlet, I know this might be a letdown to our viewers, but to some of us we find it....
CAIT SITH: …A GAS!!
[Scarlet coughing]
GUY 3: F**k this! SCARLET: Hey!
*gasps*
Get back...here…
CAIT SITH: Sorry Scarlet, you look like you could have used…a nap.
MOG: So could I…
forever…
BARRET: Cait Sith! W-What the he—
CAIT SITH: I'll explain later, but for right now we got to make like a conceited tennis ball, and biggity bounce!
BARRET: Don't you ever f**kin touch my catchphrase ever again.
And we ain't leaving without Tifa!
TIFA: [inside] BARRET, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!?
BARRET: I'm...freeing you, the hell's it sound like??!
CAIT SITH: Sounds like you're not making much progress.
Barret: SHUT THE F**K UP!!
TIFA: Forget about me, just go!
BARRET: [outside] But Tifa—
TIFA: Just…go find Cloud.
BARRET: We'll be back for you. I promise!
CAIT SITH: All right, Barret. If we want to get out of here and save Tifa,
we've gotta toss aside our—
BARRET: You just gave me an idea!
CAIT SITH: [outside, pained] Ow! Hoy, God...
BARRET: [outside] Okay we can leave now.
HEIDEGGER: Sir, everything is prepared for Weapon's arrival.
RUFUS: Good.
Prepare to blow that monster to smithereens.
HEIDEGGER: Ohhhh…
I thought you wanted to bring the Weapon on as a guest for the stream.
RUFUS: We are not bringing that thing on stream.
We're gonna show that Weapon the full, unbridled power of the Shinra corporation!
Destroy that Weapon!
HEIDEGGER: And…FIRE!!!
RUFUS: Heidegger...
HEIDEGGER: And…FIRE!
RUFUS: [anxious] Heidegger, nothing's happening…
HEIDEGGER: And…fire?
RUFUS: [increasing fear] Heidegger, it's getting closer…! *Heidegger repeating "and fire"*
*Heidegger repeating "and fire"*
RUFUS: Heidegger, it's almost here! *Heidegger repeating "and fire"*
HEIDEGGER, STOP SAYING FIRE!!! *Heidegger repeating "and fire"*
TIFA: OH GODDAMMIT!
BARRET: You sure they're gonna be here?
CAIT SITH: Any second now.
And once they're here, we go back and save Tifa!
BARRET: Good, because when I get my hands on Shinra…all they're gonna be able to do…
is grin and Barret.
YUFFIE: HEY, IS THIS WHERE WE'RE MEETING? is grin and Bar—
BARRET: [under his breath] I f**king hate teenagers…
TIFA: *coughing* Gotta… C'mon, gotta get outta here…
*wheezing* Gotta…save…Cloud…!
Ugh… Finally… Everything has calmed down.
RUFUS: [panicking] HEIDEGGER, DO SOMETHING!!!
HEIDEGGER: I'm on it sir!
I'm filming this for our Shinstagram!
RUFUS: [crying] HEIDEGGER PLEASE!!
I DON'T WANNA DIE KNOWING I'M A FAILURE LIKE MY FATHER…!
SOLDIER: Sir, I got the cannon working.
[CANNON FIRE]
TIFA: That works!
SCARLET: OHOHOHOHOHOHO!!! There's nowhere left for you to run!
Now be a good girl and come take the punishment you deserve.
OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!
[Tifa giggles] OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO—
[Tifa giggles] SCARLET: Why are you laughing?! Stop laughing!!
[Tifa giggles] I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO LAUGHS!!
TIFA: *stifling laugh* I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just—*snrk*—it's funny that you think that that's what's gonna happen.
SCARLET: Y-Yes, that's exactly what-
TIFA: No, shut the f**k up. This is what's going down: I'm going to beat the f**k out of you so badly
that your face will be my new bowl that I eat my Tankceratops cereal out of—
—and yes, your blood WILL be the milk.
Buuut, since I'm such a good girl, I can let you off with that warning…
…if you tell me where Cloud is.
SCARLET: H-HOW DARE YOU! *SLAP*
I will not be spoken down to by
filthy, slum, gutter trash!
You are in the presence of the Baron—
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh………
TIFA: Bow down, bitch.
BARRET: TIFA!!
Grab on, we're gettin' the hell outta here!
TIFA: F**K!
CID: Welcome aboard the Highwind, Fists.
TIFA: Thanks, I almost died.
CAIT SITH: And other than Yuffie being sick on the deck...
[YUFFIE groaning]
CAIT SITH: Everyone's here!
VINCENT: I'm in the corner…
Tifa: No…
Tifa: Not everyone.
CID: Yeah… About that…
CREW MEMBER: Captain, we've got a hit on Cloud's location.
TIFA: Wait you guys found Cloud??
HOW??!
CAIT SITH: Let's just say I—
BARRET: Cait Sith overheard it from one of Scarlet's men because he's a f**king spy.
CAIT SITH: Okay, thanks for the rude summary.
So how's that apology for throwing me at that door coming along?
BARRET: Oh, it's non-existent.
TIFA: Both of you shut up!
How much longer 'til we reach him?
CID: Probably about any minute now.
But look…
Fists, there's something you—
TIFA: Can't believe it…
He's really alive…
Don't worry, Cloud.
When we find you,
I'll tell you everything.
And when I do everything will be better.
Right, Cloud?
TIFA: [V-O]
CLOUD: [incoherent mumbling]
TIFA: What…
…What's wrong?
What happened to him?
DOCTOR: I'm sorry ma'am,
but I'm afraid your friend's suffering from Mako poisoning,
probably due to exposure from high levels of Mako energy for an extended period of time.
Is that what he uses to keep his hair so spiky?
YUFFIE: [annoyed] Dude, really?
TIFA: How long…
…will he be like this?
DOCTOR: It's hard to say. It's been a week since we found him like this.
Still no progress…
Now I'm not saying he's completely a vegetable,
but, he would fit well in a stew.
CID: [disgusted] The f**k's wrong with you man?
DOCTOR: Hey, don't knock it till you try it.
RED: [outside] I conclur.
TIFA: Cid… Yuffie…
Tell the others I'm not coming back…
YUFFIE: Woah, hold on!
You can't just leave us! We're a family!
TIFA: Cloud's my family…and he needs me right now…
CID: Come on Yuffie… Let's go.
TIFA: Cloud…*sniffle*…
TIFA: [V-O]