>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
A VERY FUNNY ACTOR AND WRITER WHO HAS BEEN A FIXTURE OF NEW
YORK STAND-UP COMEDY FOR OVER 30 YEARS.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW, COLIN QUINN.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THERE YOU ARE.
>> THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: HAVE A SEAT.
HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
>> I LIKE, THAT "ACTOR AND WRITER."
>> Stephen: ACTOR AND WRITER?
THAT'S WHAT THE THING SAID.
IS THAT TRUE.
DID I LIE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
>> THE WRITING PART IS TRUE.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE ACTED.
>> I DON'T REALLY CALL MYSELF AN ACTOR.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELF.
>> COMEDIAN.
>> Stephen: COMEDIAN, THAT'S GOOD, YEAH, YEAH.
( LAUGHTER )
>> YOU THINK YOU WOULD HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO FROM THERE, BUT
I DON'T.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE NEVER CONFUSED ABOUT IT.
AM I AN ACTOR?
YOU ALWAYS KNOW THAT YOU'RE A COMEDIAN.
THAT'S GOOD.
>> I NEVER SEE THE MOVIES AND GO, "I'D BE GOOD IN THAT PART."
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
"I SHOULD HAVE HAD THAT PART."
THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED TO ME.
ACTORS ALWAYS LOOK AND GO, "I WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT AT THAT
PART."
>> Stephen: I HAVE THE SAME FEELING, IF I REALLY LIKE THE
PERFORMANCE, I WOULD GO LIKE, "I COULD NEVER DO THAT."
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I DON'T SAY THAT.
>> I JUST SAY, "I WOULDN'T WANT TO DO IT."
I ALWAYS THINK, "I COULD HAVE DONE THAT, BUT I JUST..." YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YOU COULDN'T-- YOU COULD HAVE DONE IT.
I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
>> I'M TOO GOOD FOR IT.
>> Stephen: OH, YOU'RE TOO-- SURE, YEAH.
>> OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: I COULD PLAY LAWRENCE OF ARABIA, BUT WHO
WOULD WANT TO.
>> "GOODFELL AS," PLEASE.
SCORSESE YOU.
>> Stephen: HAVE A NEW SHOW AT THE MINETTA LANE THEATRE.
"RED STATE BLUE STATE."
AND YOU'RE KNOWN FOR YOUR ONE-MAN SHOWS, EXAMPLE HISTORY
AND CULTUREES OF AMERICA.
WHAT ARE WE DOING WRONG NOW?
>> WELL -- >> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU
COMPLAINING ABOUT NOW, COLIN QUINN.
>> I THINK OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT IS WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO, FROM
DAY ONE.
BECAUSE 13 COLONIES IS PLENTY.
( LAUGHTER )
GOD PUTS HINTS, GIANT MOUNTAIN RANGES AND RIVERS ALL OVER THE
REST OF THE LAND TO INDICATE DIFFERENT COUNTRIES.
AND, YOU KNOW, THE MISSISSIPPI, THESE ARE NATURAL BORDERS-- THE
ROCKIES.
YOU'RE, OUR SIZE, A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT COUNTRIES.
THEY UNDERSTAND EVERY 700 MILES, PEOPLE HAVE A DIFFERENT
PERSONALITY.
YOU THINK-- DO YOU THINK HUNGARY AND SCOTLAND HAVE LESS IN COMMON
THAN UTAH AND NEW JERSEY?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: IS THAT AN ACTUAL QUESTION?
>> NO, NO.
>> Stephen:Y DIDN'T REALIZE THERE WAS GOING TO BE A QUIZ AT
THE END OF THE SHOW.
( LAUGHTER )
WHAT IS THE THING THAT WE THINK WE MOST HAVE WRONG RIGHT NOW?
I MEAN-- >> WELL, TWO PARTIES IS-- IT'S
RIDICULOUS.
WE STARTED WITH TWO PARTIES.
IT WAS LIKE A MILLION PEOPLE.
NOW IT'S 350 MILLION.
STILL TWO PARTIES.
15 GENDERS.
YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER )
TWO PARTIES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE.
SO WE HAVE TO EXPAND.
>> WE DO.
>> Stephen: HAS ANYBODY-- IS THERE ANYBODY YOU LIKE THIS
TIME?
HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT THE DEMOCRATS ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS TIME OR
HAVE YOU NOT PAID ATTENTION.
>> IT'S TOO EARLY, IT'S TOO EARLY FOR THAT KIND OF STUFF,
THAT KIND OF NONSENSE.
>> Stephen: AT THIS POINT JUST PUT ALL THE CANDIDATES IN A
SALAD SPINNER AND SEE.
>> SEE WHICH SCANDALS COME OUT NOW.
>> Stephen: OH, OH... YEAH, YEAH...
( LAUGHTER )
>> YES, I DID HAVE A HEART ATTACK.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I WASN'T GOING TO BRING IT UP, BUT I'M SITTING
HERE LOOKING AT YOU THINKING I HEAP HE'S OKAY.
YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU HAD A HEART ATTACK.
>> I FILE OKAY YOU.
>> Stephen: LOOK FANTASTIC.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK THE SAME.
YOU LOOK THE SAME.
PRE-HEART ATTACK AND POST-HEART ATTACK, YOU LOOK THE SAME.
>> THAT'S ALL I CAN HOPE FOR.
I HAD A HEART ATTACK.
AND THE GOOD THING ABOUT A HEART ATTACK THEY SAY IT CHANGES THE
WAY YOU LOOK AT LIFE YOU DON'T FEEL AS-- YOU KNOW.
THE ONLY BAD PART IS I THOUGHT I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WOULD DIE--
LIKE, I THOUGHT I WOULD BE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE, "YOU'RE GOING
TO DIE.
YOU HAVE A YEAR TO GET YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDERS," AS THEY SAY
IN THOSE MOVIE WHERE'S PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DIE.
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE.
>> I THOUGHT I WOULD BE ABLE TO PUT OUT GIANT MISSION
STATEMENTS.
LIKE, I HAVE A LOT OF MATERIAL SITTING THERE THAT I HAVEN'T PUT
OUT.
YOU KNOW, JUST MY, YOU KNOW, WILL AND TESTAMENT --
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE BEEN SAVING FOR WHEN PEOPLE HAVE TO
LISTEN TO IT BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE.
>> AND ALSO MAYBE VISIT SOMETHING ENEMIES, DRIVING UP TO
THE HOUSE-- NOT DOING ANYTHING-- JUST DRIVING UP TO THEIR HOUSE
AND SITTING OUTSIDE.
AND THEN, "THIS GUY IS GOING TO DIE.
HE HAS NOTHING TO LOSE."
JUST GIVE THEM A NICE LITTLE CHILL.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE, YOU MIGHT GO
MANIAC ON THEM.
>> THAT'S CORRECT.
I MEAN, I'M NOT-- I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT AND START KILLING
PEOPLE AS MY LAST THING.
BUT, I MEAN, IT WOULD BE NICE TO GIVE PEOPLE A LITTLE BIT-- "LOOK
WHO'S-- WHY IS HE SITTING OUTSIDE MY HOUSE?"
>> Stephen: I WAS GOING TO SAY FISAW YOU OUTSIDE MY HOUSE, NO
MATTER WHAT YOUR HEALTH WAS, I WOULD GO, "WHAT IS COLIN QUINN
DOING OUTSIDE MY HOUSE?" >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: DO YOU STILL THINK THAT NEW YORK-- YOU'RE A
QUINTESSENTIAL NEW YORKER.
DO YOU STILL THINK NEW YORK IS THE GREATEST CITY?
>> IT'S THE ROMAN EMPIRE WITH LESS HUMILITY.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT WE CAN TURN DOWN AMAZON, JUST SHOWS YOU WE'VE GOT --
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE.
>> WE'VE GOT-- LITERALLY, EVERYBODY ELSE, THE WHOLE--
( APPLAUSE ).
( CHEERS )
COUNTRY, EVERYTHING YOU EVER SEE IS, "HEY, THEY'RE BRINGING JOBS
TO OUR TOWN."
"HOW MANY JOBS YOU GOT?" "25,000."
"BEAT IT.
COME BACK WHEN YOU HAVE REAL JOBS, ALL RIGHT."
>> Stephen: THAT'S A ROUNDING ERROR.
WHAT ABOUT THE COUNTRY IN GENERAL?
DO YOU THINK-- I MEAN, DO YOU THINK WE'RE IN BAD SHAPE AS A
COUNTRY?
I MEAN, DO YOU THINK AMERICA AFTER 200 AND MEOW-MEOW, THIS IS
IT?
>> YEAH, BECAUSE -- >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN
"YEAH."
THAT WAS REALLY QUICK.
>> MY WHOLE SHOW IS ABOUT TO BREAK UP.
I FEEL LIKE SOCIAL MEDIA, YOU KNOW, FREE SPEECH WAS NEVER
MEANT TO GO ELECTRIC.
IT WAS AN ACOUSTIC ART.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
SPEAK ON A TREE STUMP IN FRONT OF SEVEN OTHER FARMERS.
>> Stephen: QUILL.
>> YES.
A GENERAL STORE AND A PORCH.
AND, YEAH, I THINK SOCIAL MEDIA IS-- IS TAKING US TO A NEW LEVEL
WHERE NOW EVERYBODY SEES EACH OTHER AND HAS TO HEAR EACH OTHER
ALL DAY.
AND IT'S NOT GOOD.
>> Stephen: BUT DO YOU GO ON TWITTER?
DO YOU DO ALL THAT KIND OF STUFF?
>> YEAH, I'M SOMETHING OF A TROLL ON TWITTER SINCE I-- YOU
KNOW.
SINCE I STARTED.
>> Stephen: THAT DOESN'T POISON YOU AT ALL TO BE THE
TROLL GIJUST GO AFTER-- YOU KNOW, I GO AFTER OLD GRUDGES
LIKE WILL FERRELL.
I STARTED ON TWITTER YEARS AGO.
I DID THIS WHOLE THING ABOUT WILL FERRELL.
THIS IS BACK WHEN TWITTER STARTED.
I THOUGHT PEOPLE WOULD UNDERSTAND IRONY AND STUFF.
I GO, "HEY, WILL, SO FUNNY THAT YOU GET A MARK TWAIN AWARD WHEN
WE ALL KNOW YOU WERE A HEROIN DEALER AND USER AT 'SNL'."
AND PEOPLE WERE LIKE, WHAT DID YOU SAY?
AND HERE'S THE FUNNY PART, PEOPLE WERE ATTACKING ME NOT
FOR-- THEY'RE SAYING, "HOW DARE YOU?
YOU'RE WORKING TOGETHER.
YOU DON'T SNITCH ON EACH OTHER."
NOT THAT HE WAS DEALING-- PEOPLE WEREN'T MAD WILL FERRELL WAS
DEALING HEROIN AT "SNL" WHICH HE WASN'T.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT I HEARD.
I HEARD ON-- I HEARD COLIN QUINN SAY THAT ON TELEVISION, THOUGH.
>> AND HE I STARTED SAYING HE STOLE THE SCRIPT FOR "ANCHOR
MAN."
I HAD A SCRIPT FOR "NEWSCASTER" AND TURNED AROUND AND IT WAS
GONE.
IT BECAME A REAL STORY.
>> Stephen: YES.
WHAT HAPPENED?
>> SO, I DIDN'T SEE WILL FERRELL THE WHOLE TIME.
JIMMY, HIS MANAGER, SAID, "QUINN ARE YOU GOING TO ISSUE A
RETRACTION.
ALL THESE NEWS PEOPLE ARE CALLING ME, "IS WILL FERRELL
REALLY A HEROIN DEALER."
THIS WAS LIKE EIGHT YEARS AGO.
I SAID, "HEY, MAN, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THAT TIME?"
BECAUSE HE WASN'T ON TWITTER.
I SAID, "IT WAS JUST A TWITTER THING."
HE LOOKED AT MINGS LIKE WHY WOULD DO YOU THAT?
>> Stephen: WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE, COLIN?
>> CITY STATES I THINK IS THE BEST MOVE.
>> Stephen: LIKE SINGAPORE OR VATICAN CITY, CITY STATES.
>> EXACTLY, ANCIENT GREECE, ROME.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> DIVIDE IT UP.
>> Stephen: NEW YORK WOULD BE HAPPY WITH THAT.
NEW YORK WOULD BE PERFECTLY HAPPY WITH THAT.
>> THEY SAY THEY WOULD BE.
>> Stephen: JUST BLOW THE BRIDGES.
>> WE'LL SEE.
>> Stephen: WE ALL JUST STAY HERE.
YEAH.
>> I LIKE YOU ALREADY HAVE THE ENGINEERING STRATEGY DOWN.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: WELL, I SAW "ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK."
"RED STATE BLUE STATE" IS AT THE MINETTA LANE THEATRE THROUGH
MARCH 16.
COLIN QUINN, EVERYBODY!