VERY KIND.
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS--
AM I RIGHT ABOUT THIS?
IT'S BEEN THIS WAY ALL DAY.
IT'S A CLOUDY DAY IN NEW YORK CITY, BUT IN D.C., THE JANUARY
6th COMMITTEE IS SHEDDING LIGHT ON THE ELECTION SCHEMES THE
FORMER PRESIDENT YANKED FROM WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE.
THE ELECTORAL CONSPIRACY THEY FOCUSED ON YESTERDAY WAS THE
BRAINCHILD OF DISGRACED LAWYER JOHN EASTMAN, SEEN HERE
ORCHESTRATING A FAILED COVER-UP OF HIS SCALP.
( LAUGHTER )
WITH THE PLAN TO SEND ALTERNATE SLATES OF FAKE ELECTORS TO
WASHINGTON FROM BATTLEGROUND STATES THAT BIDEN HAD WON.
AND ONE OF THOSE STATES WAS WISCONSIN, AND THE COMMITTEE
REVEALED A DAMNING MEMO PUSHING FOR ALTERNATE ELECTORS FROM THE
FORMER PRESIDENT'S WISCONSIN LAWYER, KENNETH CHESEBRO.
( LAUGHTER )
A LAWYER FROM WISCONSIN NAME
♪ ♪ ♪ NAMED CHEESE-BRO?
YOU MUST "BRIE" JOKING.
( LAUGHTER )
WHAT'S NEXT, AN ATTEMPT TO FLIP ARIZONA BY PHILIP
TURQUOISE-BOLO-TIE- IN-THE-SHAPE-OF-A-CACTUS-DUDE"?
THESE FRAUDULENT WISCONSIN ELECTORS ARE PROVING TO BE AN
EMBARRASSMENT FOR WISCONSIN SENATOR AND WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WHEN A GHOST DIES, RON JOHNSON.
YESTERDAY, THE COMMITTEE EXPLAINED RON JOHNSON'S ROLE IN
THE SCHEME.
>> A STAFFER FOR WISCONSIN SENATOR RON JOHNSON TEXTED A
STAFFER FOR VICE PRESIDENT PENCE JUST MINUTES BEFORE THE
BEGINNING OF THE JOINT SESSION.
THIS STAFFER STATED THAT SENATOR JOHNSON WISHED TO HAND DELIVER
TO THE VICE PRESIDENT THE FAKE ELECTORS' VOTES FROM MICHIGAN
AND WISCONSIN.
THE VICE PRESIDENT'S AIDE UNAMBIGUOUSLY INSTRUCTED THEM
NOT TO DELIVER THE FAKE VOTES TO THE VICE PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I'D SAY THAT'S A SMOKING GUN, BUT REPUBLICANS
CONSIDER THAT A COMPLIMENT.
( LAUGHTER )
QUICKLY TRIED TO DISTANCE HIMSELF FROM THE ENVELOPE
OF FAKE ELECTORS, CLAIMING, HE WAS AWARE THAT HIS OFFICE HAD
RECEIVED A PACKAGE BUT HAD NO IDEA WHO DELIVERED IT.
NEVERTHELESS, SAID HIS OFFICE ATTEMPTED TO FACILITATE THE
DELIVERY OF THE PACKAGE.
SO, HE HAS NO IDEA WHERE IT CAME FROM, NO IDEA WHO GAVE IT TO
HIM, NO IDEA WHAT IT IS, BUT HE CAN'T WAIT TO HAND
DELIVER IT TO THE SECOND-IN-COMMAND.
COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING IN THAT ENVELOPE: FAKE ELECTORS, BEES,
NAKED PICTURES OF MARY TODD LINCOLN.
IT DON'T NEAR THE RON.
HE'S JUST A DELIVERY BOY.
NOW, MOST HISTORIANS AGREE, RON JOHNSON IS THE DUMBEST PERSON
EVER TO SIT IN THE UNITED STATES SENATE.
BUT STILL, STILL--
EVEN BY THAT SCALE, THIS IS STILL SHOCKING.
YOU KNOW THOSE ANNOUNCEMENTS IN THE AIRPORT WHEN THEY SAY,
"DON'T CARRY ONTO THE FLIGHT A PACKAGE FOR SOMEONE YOU DON'T
KNOW"?
I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHO THOSE ANNOUNCEMENTS ARE FOR.
TURNS OUT, IT'S RON JOHNSON.
( AS JOHNSON )
WHAT?
HUH?
WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT'S THAT, STRANGER?
SURE I'LL TAKE YOUR BAG ON THE AIRPLANE?
OH, AND YOU HAVE SOME BALLOONS FILLED WITH WHITE POWDER?
AND YOU WANT ME TO PUT THEM WHERE?
OKEY-DOKE."
( LAUGHTER )
TRIED TO AVOID TALKING TO REPORTERS, BUT LIKE MOST THINGS,
HE'S NOT VERY GOOD AT THAT.
>> HOW MUCH DID YOU KNOW ABOUT WHAT YOUR CHIEF OF STAFF WAS
DOING WITH THE ALTERNATE SLATES OF THE ELECTORS?
>> I'M ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW.
>> NO, YOU'RE NOT.
I CAN SEE YOUR PHONE.
I CAN SEE YOUR SCREEN.
( AS JOHNSON, MIMING PHONE )
THROUGH A TUNNEL!
CAN'T TALK.
I'M IN THE SHOWER!
WAIT, I'M TRAPPED IN A BOX.
OH, IT'S RAINING, BETTER PUT UP THIS UMBRELLA.
OH, IT'S SO WINDY.
IT'S SO WINDY.
HELP ME, MARY POPPIN'S, HELP ME!"
( APPLAUSE )
ARE MAKING THE COMMITTEE'S CASE POWERFULLY.
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE WATCHING, AND ONE OF THOSE
PEOPLE IS FORMER PRESIDENT P.P. BARNUM.
I'M SURE HE DOESN'T WANT TO WATCH, BUT THEY'VE TRAPPED HIM
WITH HIS BIGGEST WEAKNESS: MENTIONING HIS NAME.
REPORTEDLY, HE'S TUCKED AWAY AT HIS BEDMINSTER GOLF CLUB,
VENTING HIS FRUSTRATIONS TO NEARLY ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN.
THAT'S GOTTA BE TOUGH ON THE STAFF:
"YES, SIR.
IT DOES SOUND LIKE A ONE-SIDED WITCH HUNT.
NOW, DO YOU WANT YOUR USUAL OMELETTE, HAM AND CHOCOLATE
CHIPS?"
EVIDENTLY, HE'S ANGRY THAT THESE HEARINGS ARE DIGNIFIED, CLEAR,
AND DAMNING.
AND HE PUTS THE BLAME FOR ALL THAT ON HOUSE MINORITY LEADER
AND SCHOOL HAMSTER WHO'S HAD ENOUGH...
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CHANCE TO APPOINT MEMBERS TO THE PANEL, BUT INSTEAD CHOSE TO
BOYCOTT IT.
NOW THE FORMER PRESIDENT SAYS, "I THINK, IN RETROSPECT,
McCARTHY SHOULD'VE PUT REPUBLICANS ON, TO JUST HAVE A
VOICE.
THE REPUBLICANS DON'T HAVE A VOICE.
THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY."
>> Stephen: WELL, I'M GONNA FACT CHECK YOU THERE.
EIGHT OF THE 12 LIVE WITNESSES HAVE BEEN REPUBLICANS.
REPUBLICANS HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY EVERY DAY.
USUALLY IT'S, "RUDY GIULIANI LEFT ME 200 DRUNK VOICEMAILS
TELLING ME IF I DON'T FLIP ARIZONA, HE'S GONNA HOLD ME DOWN
AND DRIP HEAD JUICE INTO MY MOUTH."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE REASON... THE REASON...
♪ WHO YOU GONNA CALL ♪ THE REASON THE EX-PREZ WANTS HIS
PEOPLE ON THERE IS THAT THEY WOULD'VE GIVEN HIM ADVANCE
KNOWLEDGE OF THE SUBPOENAS, TAPED DEPOSITIONS, AND OTHER
EVIDENCE COLLECTED BY THE PANEL, AND MADE PROCEDURAL MOTIONS TO
DISRUPT THE FLOW OF THE HEARINGS.
AND ANYONE WHO HAS WATCHED THE FORMER PRESIDENT DANCE KNOWS HOW
HIS MOTION DISRUPTS FLOW.
LAUGH NOW, THERE'S NO--
THERE'S NEW INFORMATION COMING OUT EVERY DAY FROM THE PANEL.
YESTERDAY, WE LEARNED THAT THE SELECT COMMITTEE HAS SUBPOENAED
DOCUMENTARY FILMMAKER ALEX HOLDER, WHO STARTED FILMING
THE FORMER PRESIDENT IN SEPTEMBER OF 2020 FOR A PROJECT
ON HIS REELECTION CAMPAIGN, AND FILMED UP TO AND INCLUDING
JANUARY 6th.
AND HE JUST TURNED OVER RAW FOOTAGE PERTAINING TO
DISCUSSIONS OF ELECTION FRAUD IN THE 2020 ELECTION, AS WELL
AS INTERVIEWS WITH THE FORMER PRESIDENT, MIKE PENCE, DON JR.,
IVANKA, ERIC, AND JARED KUSHNER.
SO THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE COULD PLAY ACTUAL DOCUMENTARY
FOOTAGE OF THESE DINGUSES IN THEIR TELEVISED HEARINGS.
IN OTHER WORDS, THE FORMER PRESIDENT MIGHT FINALLY BE
BROUGHT DOWN BY HIS CLOSEST ALLIES:
>> PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA, TV.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STILL GOT IT.
HOLDER WILL BE DEPOSED BY THE COMMITTEE TOMORROW, BUT RELEASED
A STATEMENT SAYING, "WHEN WE BEGAN THIS PROJECT IN SEPTEMBER
OF 2020, WE COULD HAVE NEVER PREDICTED THAT OUR WORK WOULD
ONE DAY BE SUBPOENAED BY CONGRESS."
HOW WERE YOU SO SURPRISED?
EVERYONE THE FORMER PRESIDENT KNOWS GETS SUBPOENAED.
WE'RE ONE WEEK AWAY FROM LIZ CHENEY SWEARING IN GRIMACE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, IT IS POSSIBLE THAT NOT EVERYONE IN THE WHITE HOUSE KNEW
THIS DOCUMENTARY WAS BEING SHOT.
IT'S SUBTLE, BUT SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT IT.
A "ROLLING STONE" REPORTER ASKED ONE OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S
CAMPAIGN STAFF FOR A COMMENT ABOUT THE REVELATION ABOUT THE
FOOTAGE AND THAT PERSON REPLIED, "WHAT THE ( BLEEP ) IS THIS?"
( APPLAUSE )
2016, WHEN HE WON.
( LAUGHTER )
NOTICE THE FILM CREW HANGING AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE?
THAT SEEMS WEIRD.
BUT TO BE FAIR, THERE WAS A LOT OF DISTRACTIONS:
PILLOWS BEING HAWKED BY MIKE LINDELL, SPEECHES BEING GIVEN BY
KID ROCK, THE EASTER EGG ROLL HOSTED BY VECNA.
( LAUGHTER )
CAMPAIGN TRAIL ON TV MEDICAL SCAMMER AND CRUISE SHIP MAGICIAN
WHO'D LIKE TO MAKE YOUR HUSBAND DISAPPEAR, DR. OZ.
DURING HIS REPUBLICAN PRIMARY, OZ'S WHOLE CAMPAIGN PLATFORM WAS
"HEY, I'M FRIENDS WITH THE FORMER PRESIDENT."
BUT NOW THAT OZ SQUEAKED THROUGH TO THE GENERAL ELECTION AND HAS
TO GET VOTES OUTSIDE OF THE REPUBLICAN BASE, HE'S QUIETLY
SHIFTING HIS CAMPAIGN MESSAGING AWAY FROM THE EX-PRESIDENT.
SO, BASICALLY, OZ IS SAYING, "PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN
BEHIND THE CURTAIN!" BUT, THE FACT IS, HE'S LYING,
HE'S COWARDLY.
HE'S A COWARDLY LION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE IS A COWARDLY LION.
HE IS.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT HOW QUIETLY HE'S SHIFTING HIS MESSAGE.
HERE'S HIS TWITTER BANNER FROM BACK IN THE PRIMARY.
IT'S RED, HE'S GOT HIS BEST BUD THERE, THE ENDORSEMENT IS
EMBLAZONED ACROSS THE MIDDLE-- CLEARLY, A MAGA REPUBLICAN.
AND NOW, OOPS-A-CADABRA!
ALL BLUE, NO EX-PREZ.
THAT'S A PRETTY EXTREME MAKEOVER.
THAT'S LIKE IF ARBY'S WENT FROM "WE HAVE THE MEATS" TO "I'VE
NEVER SEEN THOSE MEATS BEFORE IN MY LIFE."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE TAIKA WAITITI AND AUTHOR DAVID SEDARIS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, THE C.D.C. TEACHES YOU HOW TO GO
FROM SICK TO SEXY, MONKEY-STYLE!
STICK AROUND