♪♪
-Now we're gonna need another player to fill out the table.
We have the man for the job.
Please welcome Colin's co-star from "True Detective,"
Vince Vaughn, ladies and gentlemen!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now we're talking.
Now we're talking, baby.
Here we go. Now we're talking right here.
Yes, indeed! Yes! -Thank you.
-Here we go. Now...
Thank you for joining us.
In front of each of us are two envelopes --
or on-velopes -- containing confessions.
Some of the envelopes, or on-velopes,
is something that actually happened to us in real life.
And the second envelope is a lie.
-He's showing off with his wordplay, by the way.
-So once you read your confession,
the other two players have 60 seconds
to interrogate you.
And then they each have to guess
whether you have been lying or telling the truth.
We'll take one turn each. Colin, you'll go first.
Vince, which envelope should he choose?
Number one or number two? What do you think?
-Number two. -Yeah.
-You sure?
-Oh, yeah. -Positive, now?
-I'm watching everything, Colin. -Yeah.
-He's twitching. He's twitching.
-"When I was --" -Lie.
-"When I was a late teen, I got brought in
for questioning as a suspect in an attempted murder."
-Oh!
[ Laughter ]
-Did you do it?
-How long ago was it?
I want to see if the statute of limitations is...
-What was the case?
-So it's not a yes and no? [ Laughs ]
Okay.
The case was, uh, a guy...
a guy in a nightclub was --
-What was the name of the nightclub?
-I don't know. -Give me the name!
-It was someplace -- For God's sake! I was some place in --
It was a long time ago, and I was drunk.
-Yeah. It was a long time ago.
-Do you take a shower or do you use a tub?
What was the guy's name?! -Howard.
-What was his name?! -Calm down now.
Let him talk.
-I saw photo fit of the guy that actually did the crime,
and it looked remarkably like me,
and for a second, because I had had a blackout that night,
I wondered, "Could I have done such a thing?"
-Hmm. What did the person look like?
What was their hair --
-Had bushy eyebrows, a mole on his face,
spoke even in two dimensions with an Irish accent.
-Did they catch the killer?
-No.
-We're out of time.
-I'm a little nervous to push too hard
'cause we might have a guy who got away with murder.
Well, I want to play a fun game, but...
-[ Laughs ] This is like "The Jinx."
This is like the other HBO show, "The Jinx."
-He could hit the head in here and say, "I killed him."
-Stop. I'm gonna start belching.
-[ Laughs ] Okay. All right. What do you think?
-Well, I don't know. -No. Of course not. No.
I didn't do -- What I did was...
No.
-That's a good -- All right. That's a great impression.
-I got a feeling that this really happened to him,
and I'm afraid.
-Yeah, me too.
-I'm a little afraid of Colin Farrell.
-I'd be afraid if, you know, if that happened to me, too.
-What do you think? -I'm afraid, too.
I actually think that he's a suspect. Yeah.
I think it's true. True story.
-And we're gonna move past it, but I think you were.
-It was true? -Yeah. Yeah.
-Oh, my God!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Whatever you want. Whatever you want, Colin.
-I'm still here.
-Can we get Colin a limousine ride home?
-I'm still here, baby.
-That had to be an uncomfortable moment.
-Very. Yeah.
And was I supposed to bring my mother to the airport.
I was in Sydney, Australia,
and I was I was pulled in by the cops,
and they showed me a photo fit of a pencil sketch of the guy
that had attempted to murder this other gentleman,
had beat him up and left him in his own apartment
and set the apartment on fire and split,
thereby leaving the guy to burn to death, and it was me.
They said, "What do you think about that picture?"
And I went, "I think I'm in trouble."
Yeah. It was terrifying.
I was there for about six hours, and then, thankfully,
a friend of mine had kept a journal.
And that particular night and that particular time,
we were at a party the other side of town doing ecstasy.
So it was... [ Laughter, applause ]
-Can we get Elmo out of here?
Can we get Elmo out of the building?
Just get him out of the building.
-What's Elmo cooking?
Elmo -- Some appetizers? Anything.
-Some dip? Some crudités?
-Some meth? -Elmo does a mean crudités.
-Here we go. This is my turn. Which envelope should I open?
-Uh, number one, Jimmy Fallon.
-Here we go. Number one.
-I'm watching you, Fallon. -Yeah. Here we go.
-I'll be good cop, then.
-Uh... -How are you?
[ Laughter ]
-Great. Thanks for asking. -Don't be nervous.
This will be over really, really quick.
-This seems really fun. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're just gonna have a quick chat.
-I-I got my I got my head stuck in a fence
and my grandma used mayonnaise to squeeze me out of it.
[ Laughter ]
-What was your grandma's name?
-My grandma's name was Gloria.
-Mother or father's mom? -My mother's mom.
-How old were you?
-I was probably...10.
-So your head was about this big.
-Yeah. Yeah. About that big.
-And the families get along? -Yeah, fam--
-Some turmoil? -No turmoil.
-What are you hiding, Fallon? [ Laughter ]
-No turmoil. Yeah. No -- No turmoil at all.
-What brand was the mayo?
What brand was the mayo? What?
[ Laughter, applause ]
-I'm sorry.
-Why did you put your head in it in the first place?
-Uh, a curious child. -Curious child?
-Yeah. I want to see if I could fit it through there, probably.
And it wasn't, like, a chain-link fence.
It was probably, like, two -- two, uh...
-Did that happen much when you were a child?
You wanted to see how you could fit it through there?
-Were you always fitting things
with stuff that would help it fit in different things?
Or just the head with the mayo in the fence?
-Was there any other time your grandma used mayonnaise
to extract your thing from --
your head from something it was trapped in?
-Were you attracted to your grandma?
-No, I was not -- No.
-Jimmy, were you attracted to your grandma?
-The questioning is now over. Yeah. All right.
The questioning is over. -I think this is going great.
[ Laughter ]
-Thoughts.
-I'm tuning in Sunday night to watch you.
-Thank you. And you as well, sir.
-I wasn't sure until this show. -What are your thoughts on this?
-I mean, I think that it was -- it's untrue but beautiful.
And I hope I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong.
-You've got a strong feeling.
I'm gonna ride your thoughts on this.
-It actually is true. -Ah!
Beautiful.
-It was an outdoor thing. It was a gate. It was outdoors.
And it was a summer day. It was really hot.
And I was crying, and my ears were, like, stuck on the fence.
And I was like this in the fence.
And my grandma goes, "I think I know."
And she rubbed mayonnaise on my hair and all over my head
to squeeze me out of it.
And I think that's probably why I don't like mayonnaise.
-How long were you stuck in the fence?
-Probably like an hour or something.
-So two things I can take with me for parenting tonight.
That and you're not completely useless.
You could be used as a bad example.
-That's a good one, right? Yeah. That's good.
All right. Vince Vaughn. Now it is your turn.
Why don't you open up envelope number one?
-I would love to.
[ Laughter ]
-I'm watching everything. -"I once --"
-Lie! -Yeah.
-I don't believe it either.
-"I once defiantly commanded the stage
in the title role of Oscar Hammerstein's "The King and I."
Questions, please. -Oh, wow.
-How long ago was this? Was this early in your career?
-Yes.
-Did you wear a bald cap? -I did.
-Is there any reviews that exist?
-I don't know that you could find those online.
-What percentage of Rotten Tomatoes thought
you were commanding the stage?
-Rotten Tomatoes was not around at this time.
-Lie! He's right. He's right. -He is right about that.
What was the song you sang? -There was lots of songs.
-Yeah. Give me one of them.
-"Getting to Know You," getting to know all about you.
-It was one of them. -Yeah, that's definitely one.
[ Laughter ]
-It's just two lines from the same song.
-What else?
-You asked me for one of the songs I sang.
I was trying -- -It was a long time ago.
-That's interesting, 'cause we have a band here.
They could probably play that type of song.
-Oh, I'd love to hear it. [ Cheers and applause ]
-♪ Getting to know... ♪
-Yeah, yeah.
-♪ Getting to know... ♪
[ Introduction plays ] -Take it away, baby.
-I have to do it like Yul Brynner,
like I did in the play.
♪ Getting to know you ♪
♪ Getting to know all about you ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Et cetera, et cetera. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Repeat, repeat. -Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
All right. Very good. Nice job.
-Long 60 seconds, but let's keep doing it.
-No. That's good.
Colin, what do you think? Truth or lie?
-I think it's a lie.
-I think it's the truth.
I think that you played the king.
You were in "The King and I," and you sang.
You sang very well. -I think you're right.
I think that's the truth. -He sang very well. Yeah.
You say, both, truth.
-I was the king in "The King and I."
-That's right! I knew it! [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you all very much.
-We're about to play a very suspenseful new game.
It is called True Confessions.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'll need two more players to fill out this table.
The first one is a multiple Emmy Award winner
and New York Times best-selling author.
She was also my partner on Weekend Update
at "Saturday Night Live."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hello to Tina Fey, ladies and gentlemen!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, Tina, we'll need one more player.
-Yes.
-And you brought the best one possible with you tonight.
She is a Golden Globe Award winner.
She's also a best-selling author.
She was also your partner on Weekend Update.
-[ Chuckles ]
-And on December 18th of this year,
you guys are starring together
in a big, hilarious new movie called "Sisters."
Here's our pal Amy Poehler, ladies and gentlemen!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Coming in hot!
Come on. This is the best. -All right. Oh.
-Okay, everybody. Here's how the game works.
In front of each of us are two envelopes
containing confessions.
In one of the envelopes
is something that actually happened to us in real life.
And in the second envelope is a lie.
-Right. -Okay?
Once you've read your confession,
the other two people have 60 seconds to interrogate you.
And they have to guess whether or not you've been lying
or telling the truth.
We'll take one turn each. Tina, you'll go first.
Amy, which envelope should Tina open?
-One or two. -Hmm. Could be either one.
-[ Clears throat ] Number one, please.
-Okay. -Mm-hmm.
-By the way, great to see you both.
-Yeah. It is great to see you. -It's very nice to meet you.
[ Laughter ]
"I was once mistaken for a prostitute in Monaco."
[ Laughter ]
-In Monaco? -In Monaco.
The small country.
[ Laughter ]
-What year was this?
-Uh, 1992. -How did you get to Monaco?
-I was on a trip with my cousin visiting Europe.
-Just you and your cousin in '92?
-Yeah. -Okay.
-You ever been to Europe before then?
-Yes. -And what were you wearing?
-I can tell you.
I was wearing a brown-and-white polka-dot jumpsuit
that I had bought at --
-Were you in an ABBA tribute band?
-I bought at Express.
-A brown-and-white polka dot?
-Brown-and-white -- It looked fantastic.
-Fantastic enough to be confused as a prostitute?
-I don't see you in Monaco either.
I don't see you there.
What were some sights that you saw in Monaco?
-Yeah. What do you see so much, you big seer?
-Okay.
I went to a casino there because my cousin's from New Jersey
and we thought it was gonna be fun
like an Atlantic City casino.
But it was like a creepy James Bond casino
and there was only like 40 people in the whole place.
-And what games were they playing?
-Baccarat. [ Laughter ]
-Burt Baccarat?
-All right. Burt Baccarat.
Uh, okay. -Let me ask you this.
Were you ever a prostitute in Monaco?
-No. Wait. We're out of time. We're out of time now.
Here we go. -Whoo!
-Now, Amy, we have to decide.
Amy, what did you think? Truth or lie?
-Well, you know, it's very hard,
'cause I feel like I know almost everything about Tina,
but I don't know her early years as well.
But I'm gonna say that was a lie.
-[ Laughs ] -[ Laughs ]
-I also know a little bit about you.
I don't -- I don't --
I could see you going to Express and getting a jumpsuit.
[ Laughter ]
I can really see that.
I don't see you going to Monaco either
and getting mistaken for a prostitute.
Mm. Well, do I tell you now?
-Yes. -It is true.
[ Cheers and applause ] -What?!
-Yes. Yes.
-And then what happened? How did...
-We went to the casino.
Again, we thought it was gonna be like bands playing
or whatever, and it was just ice cold,
just weird Europeans just quietly gambling.
We were the youngest people there.
And my cousin is really pretty. She's blond and really tall.
And I was just, like, with her, like...
-You were doing that?
[ Laughter ]
-And we realized, like, "Oh, this is not our scene."
And then this sort of, like, older gentleman came over
and was like, "I would love to buy the two of you dinner
in this restaurant here."
And it was like a weird restaurant in the back.
And my cousin was like, "Yeah! And I was like, "No.
I don't think this is a good idea."
And it just sort of became clear that the only possible
explanation for why we would have been in there
is that we were prostitutes.
-And that is where Tina met her husband.
-Yes. -It's a great story.
It's a fantastic story. It's beautiful.
[ Cheers and applause ]
All right. It's my turn. Which envelope should I open?
Tina?
-Um, I'm gonna say number two 'cause poop.
[ Laughter ]
That's not funny.
That's not funny. -Come on. That's funny.
Get out of here. Oh!
-Hey, kids. That's funny.
-All right. -Oh! I spilled the coffee.
-No. It's all right. Don't... -Shoot.
Our props. -Poop. Poop.
Okay. -Our props! Our props!
Our cigarettes! [ Laughter ]
-No one believes that they're really smoking anyway.
Here we go.
"In college, my friend and I were robbed by a drug dealer
with a sawed-off shotgun."
[ Laughter ]
-First of all, what college did you go to?
[ Laughter ]
-Clown College.
Uh, I went to the College of St. Rose in Albany, New York.
-What was your friend's name?
Uh, Sean.
-That's not true. You only have one friend.
His name is Gerard. [ Laughter ]
-It wasn't Gerard. -Yeah. That's suspicious.
-All right. -This guy's name was Sean.
-Mm-hmm. -Yeah.
-And, um --
How did you know he was a drug dealer?
-Uh, I didn't.
I didn't know he was a drug dealer.
I was actually going to his house
'cause he was gonna give me a ride to the mall.
-Uh-huh.
-So I was just waiting in his living room for him to come out.
He had some business to take care of.
-And how had you met this person?
-He's a friend of another friend that I went to college with.
-Hey, you got kids.
[ Laughter ] -You're the tough cop?
Yeah. Yes, I got kids.
-You ever think about them when you go to buy drugs?
[ Laughter ]
-It wasn't -- I wasn't buying drugs.
-Well, it sounds like you were. -I was not.
-These cigarettes are really smoky.
-I spilled the coffee everywhere.
Okay. -I think it's...a lie.
-I think it's true
and you did a bad job of telling the story on purpose.
-Ah! I still think it's a lie.
-Okay, I'm gonna say true
but you pretended like it was fake.
And you're gonna say?
-I'll say fake just so we have an option.
-Okay. -Thank you.
It is the truth. -Ah!
-It happened to me in -- Yeah. [ Applause ]
It was a weird thing.
I didn't know my friend was a drug dealer.
I went over 'cause he was gonna give me a ride to the mall.
And I go and I was waiting for this ride.
He goes, "I just got to talk to my friend.
I'll be out in two seconds." I go, "Cool."
Then dude came out with a duffel bag.
They got in a fight, and he came in with a duffel bag,
pulled out a shotgun, pointed at me,
and told me to get on the ground.
And I was like, "What's going on?"
-"In 25 years, I'm gonna be very important!"
-"What is going on?" And then he left and took off.
I go to my friend, "What was that all about?
He goes, "Sorry, dude.
It was a drug dealer," or something like that.
He goes, "I don't want to get into it now."
I go, "Oh my God. All right. I'm gonna go home.
I mean, we're not gonna go to the mall?"
He goes, "No, we can't, because that guy stole my car."
So we ended up not going to the mall either.
That was a real bummer. That was a real bummer.
-Mall bummer. -Mall bummer.
All right. Here we go.
Amy, you are up.
-[ Clears throat ] -You pick.
-Oh, yeah. Okay. I'll pick.
Uh, I'm gonna say number one 'cause you guys are number one.
-Thanks, dude. -Nice.
-So are you. [ Cheers and applause ]
Okay.
"I once helped Yoko Ono cross the street."
[ Laughter ]
-Okay. All right, all right. Wait a second.
-Aw. I find that extremely plausible.
-Okay.
-I don't know if she needs help crossing the street.
That's the only reason why... -That's true.
She's fit. -She's perfectly fine.
-What street was it?
-I'd love to hear a question. -What street?
[ Laughter ]
-It was 66th.
Like, it was around the Phillips Club area.
-Phillips Club. I don't know what that means.
It was -- I don't know. Upper West Side?
-What do you do in those clubs?
-You look for Phillips. [ Laughter ]
-She knows the Upper West Side. She lives over there, right?
She owns a part of Central Park. -Yoko does.
She knows her way around. -You, though.
What was Yoko wearing?
-She was wearing a black -- like, a jacket
and a jaunty black hat and, like, tiny black jeans.
-Was she wearing a polka-dot jumpsuit from Express?
Oh, really? Did you know Yoko Ono?
What'd you say to her? -I didn't know it was her.
But she was in the middle of the street,
and she was kind of, like, what I thought was disoriented.
And I was like, "Ma'am, are you okay?"
And then I realized it was Yoko Ono.
And so I just said, like --
I-I kind of just, like, led her to the other side of the street.
-Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
And what did she say to you?
-She was standing in the middle of the street,
and maybe it was an art project, but I don't know.
[ Laughter ] -When was this?
-This was like three years ago.
All right. Three years ago. Okay. All right.
We're out of time. This is a toughie, man.
-It's funny, because I feel like it could be a lie.
It could be the opposite what you did.
It could be a lie that she's sold very, very well.
-Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
But I think that you're a very nice person.
You would help someone cross the street.
But also, as a fan of art,
I think you would just let the piece play out.
So... -That means a lot to me.
-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. -Thank you.
I am such a fan of art. Oh! -Fan of art. Oh.
-I think of you all the time at the galleries.
At the Phillips Club.
You're always at the Phillips Club, looking at art.
[ Laughter ]
"Is Art here?" "No, just Phillips only."
I'm gonna say -- I'm gonna say that is a lie.
-I'm gonna agree. I think it's a lie.
-Yeah. That's a bald-faced lie. -Well, congratulations.
It's a lie. -Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
You tried to fake me out with the art thing!