As promised, today I'll answer your
questions in the next 'Fake Trump Press
Conference!' But first I have to present
the REAL answers from the REAL Trump
press conference - in what can only be
described as 'A Rough Guide to Mental Illness.'
As I've said before: in America we
didn't get the first female president.
But we did get the first clearly
mentally ill president. In fact watching
a Donald Trump press conference is like
a categorical display of any number of
mental illnesses. And so - as a public
service - I'll now read some actual Trump
quotes, in a segment I call:
Thank you for your question. I know you
just complimented me on not being
anti-semitic. But "Quiet quiet quiet! You
see, he lied. I hate the charge. I find it
repulsive.
I hate even the question. Okay folks,
Number One, I am the least anti-semitic
person you've ever met in your entire
life. Number 2: racism. The least racist.
So you should take that instead of
getting up and asking a very insulting
question like that. Just shows you, it
just shows you about the press. But
that's the way the press is.
I guess. That's just the way it's going to be. Okay."
"Next, I would like to answer
your foreign policy question on Israel
by saying... Well I just want to say that
we are very honored by the victory that
we had. 306 electoral college votes.
We weren't supposed to get the 220. You know
that, right? There was no way to 221.
But then they said there's no way to 270.
And there's tremendous enthusiasm out there
for me and for this presidency."
"And for the inauguration, I turn on one of the
networks, and they show an empty field.
And I'm like 'wait a minute...' I made a
speech. I looked out, the field was...
it looked like, what, a million? A million and
a half people." "...Biggest inauguration crowd
ever, period."
"And then you accuse me of
saying that climate change is a hoax
invented by the Chinese to hurt the
American economy. I never said that!
I tweeted that, but then I deleted the
tweet. So technically, I never said it.
And the rain at my inauguration - you know,
after I put my hand on the Bible - (the two
Bibles actually, you check). And I started
my speech, and I felt a few drops of rain.
I thought 'oh no, here we go.. we'll just have
to power through.' But then the rain, it
stopped. It was like a miracle. It's like
God looked down and said 'No we're not
going to let it rain on this big speech.'
and yea and varily, did I put my hand out
and the water did part like the Red Sea.
Because I am not a very religious man,
but I do have an enormous Messiah
Complex." Okay, I will now take your
questions, dear viewers.
What a heartless question. You must have
so much hate in your heart...
nasty, nasty woman. My wife and my child
okay,
They are all alone in New York City,
where my son is finishing his school
year according to the wishes of his
mother, and I respect that.
So obviously the first chance I got to
take a weekend off
I jumped in my plane... and I played golf
in Florida.
OK? It's obvious. What would you do? Next question
Yes! Yes I guarantee there's no problem
in the finger department. You know very
big, very... and in fact anyone can reach
the button. For example, if you're dining at
my beautiful restaurant - Mar-a-lago,
beautiful - you can reach right over, while
you're giving yourself a selfie with the
nuclear football guy. And you can just
give the button a little tickle.
I'll be back to take more of your
questions in Part 2 of this press
conference!
In the meantime, if you have more questions for
the Fake Trump, write them in the
comments below. [Sarah Palin-style wink]
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