Mr. President, [audience laughter] Supreme Court justices, [audience laughter]
your royal highness, [audience laughter] and others. [audience laughter]
I am so proud to be here in Washington, DC
which I have just recently learned is
the nation's capital [audience laughter] and to receive
this coveted Mark Twain award, which is
the only significant American award for
comedy,
except for money. [audience laughter]
If, in my comedy career, I have made you
laugh once, then I have done my job. If
I have made you laugh twice, then I am very
proud. If I have made you laugh three
times, then I am thrilled. If I have made
you laugh four times, [audience laughter] which is twice as many as two times, [audience laughter]
I am ecstatic. [laughter]
If I have made you laugh five [audience laughter] or possibly six times
but I feel like I'm losing you. [audience laughter]
What better time than now to take a
moment and recount all the awards I've received [audience laughter]
In 1969, [audience laughter] I won an Emmy for
writing on The Smothers Brothers Comedy
Hour and then again in 2005,
[audience laughter and applause]
I won the Mark Twain prize. [audience laughter] But, of course,
the Mark Twain prize is very special to
me because it is more recent. [audience laughter]
I was first introduced to comedy at the
age of six, and this began what is known
as my dark period. [audience laughter]
And it's hard to believe that my career is still growing
strong, especially considering that three
years ago I passed away. [audience laughter]
I, I guess that's called momentum. [audience laughter]
When I look at the list of people who have been
given this award, it makes me very, very
satisfied, but when I look at the list of
people who haven't been given this award [audience laughter]
it makes me even more satisfied. [audience laughter and applause]
IůI wanna thank all the performers here
tonight who flew in and were so funny,
and I am so flattered that they shared
their time, and their brilliance, and
their talent, and it must be hard to find
a dozen people or so who have these kind
of skills, who are so accomplished, and
yet so desperate to be on television. [audience laughter]
I wanna thank Paul Simon, who is our
greatest living songwriterů
[applause]
and I wanna thank Randy Newman, who is
our greatest living songwriter. [audience laughter and applause]
I wanna thank Dave Barry; there is no
one on this earth funnier, and I wanna
thank Martin Short, who is the funniest
person on earth. [audience laughter]
Of course, Carl Reiner is funny, [light audience laughter]
funnier in many cases than, say, Larry David, [audience laughter]
but often Larry was funnier than Carl. [clears throat] [audience laughter]
And, of course, Diane, who, who sang so
beautifully, more beautifully ů [applause]
than anyone on the show tonight. [audience laughter]
Well, I mean, Randy sang beautifully;
I mean, he sang beautifully, but, but he
sang more beautifully than Diane, [a few chuckles]
except that when Diane sang more
beautifully than Randy, soů [audience laughter] And, of course,
Mike Nichols was funnier than I've ever
seen him, [audience laughter] which is just sad. [audience laughter]
I wanna thank Lorne Michaels;
you know, if Lorne Michaels came to me
30 years ago and told me I would receive
the Mark Twain prize one year after he
did, I would have said, ôLet me have a hit of that."
[audience laughter and applause]
I wanna thank my family up there in
the box seats, who have made my life so
rich, and ů
[applause]
my secret family in the other box, [audience laughter]
who knows nothing about the other
family, so, pleaseů [audience laughter]
And I am extremely pleased to receive
this prize in the name of America's
greatest humorist, Mark Twain. You know,
I'm, I'm laughing at somethingŚa Mark
Twain quote that I love, and I wrote it
down because I wanted to get it exactly
right. He said, whatever you do, for God's
sake, do not name a prize after me. [audience laughter and applause]
Comedy has treated me well; it has not
only given me the opportunity to express
myself in various media but also given
me an abundance of funny and decent
friends, as you saw tonight. I hope that
humor in America sustains in all its
forms, from the bawdy irreverence of
iconoclasts and satirists to family fare
that teaches us about ourselves in a
light-hearted and tender way. And it has
been a great honor here, to be here
tonight at the Kennedy Martin CenterŚoh! [audience laughter]
I wasn't supposed to say anything.
[audience laughter]
Ohů
and I wanna thank all of the people
here at the Kennedy Center, and I want to
name each one of them ů [audience laughter] becauseů[violins start playing]ůoh, gee,
I'm out of time, but thank you very much and goodnight.
[applause] [violin music continues until fadeout]