- Good evening, my fellow Americans.
With me as always is my anger translator, Luther.
- I hate you!
("Yankee Doodle Dandy")
- Good evening, my fellow Americans.
Now, before I begin, I just want to say
that I know a lot of people out there seem to think
that I don't get angry.
That's just not true.
I get angry a lot.
It's just that the way I express passion
is different from most.
So, just so there's no more confusion,
we've hired Luther here to be my anger translator.
Luther. - Hi!
- First off, concerning the recent developments
in the Middle Eastern region,
I just want to reiterate our unflinching support
for all people and their right to a democratic process.
- Hey, all y'all dictators out there,
keep messin' around and see what happens.
Just see what happens.
Watch!
- Also, to the governments of Iran and North Korea,
we once again urge you
to discontinue your uranium enrichment program.
- Hey, Mahmoud, Kim Jong,
I think I already done told both y'all,
86 your (beep), bitches,
or I'ma come over there and do it for y'all!
Please test me and see what happens!
- On the domestic front,
I just want to say to my critics
I hear your voices and I'm aware of your concerns.
- So maybe if you can chill the hell out for like a second,
then maybe I can focus on some (beep), you know.
- And that goes for everybody,
including members of the Tea Party.
- Oh, don't even get me started
on these mother (beep) right here.
- I want to assure you that we will be looking
for new compromises with the GOP in the months ahead.
- [Luther] And you know these mother (beep) gonna say no
before I even suggest some (beep)!
- Now, I know a lot of folks say
that I haven't done a good job
at communicating my accomplishments to the public.
- Because y'all mother (beep) don't listen!
- Since being an office, we've created 3,000,000 new jobs.
- 3,000,000 new jobs! - We ended the war in Iraq.
- Ended the war y'all, we ended a war!
Remember dat?
- Good evening, my fellow Americans.
Now, before we begin, I'd like to once again
introduce you to my anger translator, Luther.
- Hi!
- This November, I want each and every one of you
to ask yourselves what has changed in the last four years.
- Who killed Osama bin Laden?
- What has my administration accomplished?
- Did we accomplish killin' America's biggest enemy?
Uh, check, did that!
Boom!
- In 2011 alone, we created more jobs
than George W. Bush did in all eight years of his office.
- Except for Osama bin Laden hunter,
because that job don't exist anymore
because I went over there and I killed him in his face!
- This election, make the decision
that you think best serves the future of this country.
- Or, you can eat a dumb dumb sandwich
and just vote for the person
who didn't kill Osama bin Laden!
But why would you do it, why would you do it?
I'll be goddamed.
- I plan to run a clean campaign,
one based on the issues and the accomplishments
of my administration. - Mm hm.
But I'm gonna tell you right now,
if the Republicans, if they had caught Osama bin Laden,
there wouldn't even be an election, man!
They'd just put a crown on his head, and give him a castle,
and just call him the King of America,
and that'd be it!
I said that'd be it! - All right, all right.
All right, just bring it down a notch there, Luther.
- Okay, come on, Luther, man.
You're straight up out of control, brother!
- Well, it's not that bad.
- Okay, don't beat yourself up, it's okay.
- Good evening, my fellow Americans.
Now, first off, I would like to once again,
introduce my anger translator, Luther.
- Hi!
- Now, in the spirit of democracy,
I would like to take a moment to address my opponent,
Mitt Romney. - Ooh I been waitin' for this.
Oh boy, I been waitin' for this.
What's up, Mitt?
- Governor Romney and I have different ideas
on how to best help the American people.
- I saved the auto industry!
You want to give tax breaks to millionaires!
I killed Osama bin Laden,
and you strapped a dog to the top of your car!
Now let's, see who's better for the country?
- I'll look forward to a fruitful and healthy debate
on the Affordable Care Act.
- And since you already did it in Massachusetts,
it's gonna be really interesting
to watch your flip-flopping ass
argue me on that (beep) now!
(Luther indistinctly screaming)
- But I also look forward to other ways
to articulate our differences.
- I'm like the mother (beep) love child
of the Old Spice guy and the Dos Equis dude!
And you are literally the boringest,
whitest man alive today.
- I believe the American people will see
that I've made their lives better in the past four years.
- Americans will all be riding these
if I hadn't saved the auto industry.
(horn honking)
- I'm also confident that the American people
will make the choice that will best help them
and best help our path to the future.
- Y'all know I'm winnin' this (beep)!
- Hello, my fellow Americans.
With me as always, is my anger translator Luther.
- Hi!
- Now, the first year of my second term
has been a challenge.
- Cluster (beep)!
- Tonight, I'd like to address the concerns
of the American people over what they perceive
as the US government spying
on their digital and electronic activities.
- Man, y'all some diluted, self- important mother (beep)
if you think we interested
in your deviant porn-watching asses!
- I can assure you, the American people,
we are not reading every individual email.
Rather, we're searching for key words
that would indicate a threat.
- And don't worry everybody,
those key words are not girl-on-girl,
anal, squirting, plopping!
- Plopping?
- What the (beep) is plopping,
you dirty mother (beep)?
- These key words are being used,
amongst other things, to prevent terrorists
from using weapons of mass destruction.
- Not prevent you from watching videos of ass destruction!
- Now, these policies have already foiled
numerous terrorist plots.
- These are not the kind of plots
that y'all are used to, like when a guy comes in the door
with his penis in a pizza box and a lady sucks on it.
- I assure you that the country's gotten safer
since the end of the Bush era.
- And I ain't talking about the President.
- These policies have allowed us to probe
and penetrate into the deep- - I know y'all been probin'-
- No, Luther.
Just, what I'm trying to say is
that there have been numerous terrorist cells fingered.
- And you guys think if- - Luther!
- Okay, Luther, why are you trying
to undermine the President
with your juvenile sexual innuendo?
- The average American has nothing to fear
from these policies.
- Now, if we was drone-strikin' perverts,
our country would look like Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
right about now!
I'm talkin' about a post-apocalyptic nightmare!
- Thank you and good night.
- Go to sleep, y'all.
- Plopping? - Oh yes, sir.
It's when you. - Oh!
Y'all are some sick mother (beep).
(lively music)