What we talk about the
most when it comes to healing and-
is grief, you know,
and it doesn't have...
doesn't have a time limit.
Healing and scars is a process.
And I think we determine ourselves
what that process is and just having
some self-love time
doing your healing process
no matter what it is,
because grief is not just the death
of a person.
It's the death of a job,
the losing of a house, you know, finances
and whatever that healing is.
It's finding time and space
to walk in it and to embrace it,
no matter who you are.
But for you.
Well, okay.
What is one experience
you wish we never shared?
That's easy. - That's so easy.
I mean, we
both lost
our brother
and I wish we never shared that.
Yeah.
How you experienced
that day is different
from how I experienced that day.
Right.
But at the end of that day,
it sucks.
I wish it never happened. - Okay.
I agree. I um...
I made the right choice.
If you had to
distinguish between
what was the right thing to do
and that was
he had been suffering
physically and mentally for so long.
And you were the only one
as far as I knew at that time,
who'd never threatened to take your life
and never tried at least.
Right?
So in my head I was like,
not that I was like,
Oh, he's a lost cause.
But how many times
does he need saving?
And I'm not saying that he wasn't worthy,
but it was something where he
we knew
he was going to go eventually anyway.
We just didn't know when.
Or by what means. - Or by how and where.
I can
feel the doorknob on my foot.
Just by the way,
that's something that will always stick.
Yep.
Puddle of piss.
How do you think my father's
passing affected me
different than my brothers?
Hmm.
Uh, I would say.
I don't know. I don't.
I don't know why
I'm having a hard time answering that.
Because there's something sort of
maybe more superficial
than I can think that doesn't feel... - Say it then.
Well,
I feel one of the things
that you always got from him
was, you know, that
that sort of super athleticism.
And he was always on it with you.
He always wanted to be part of it
with you. And I
and also academically,
I mean, I just
I just think he could have helped
you more when you got older
and that you might you
might have taken a different path
or maybe just stayed in school or gone
going to university
in London.
And I don't mean
I'm not saying it
because I wanted you
to go to Cambridge or something.
It was just that
I just think you would have been on
like a stronger, narrower path somehow,
and that it all started to kind of, like,
seep out in these different directions.
I don't.
I don't know.
When do you feel closest to me?
Mm.
Um, I think
when we talk about Daddy,
I think that, like,
I feel closest to you,
we can talk about, like,
a shared experience,
especially around grief,
because I think it's something that
we experience
that no one else understands.
You know? But... - Tthat's great. We cry.
growing up with someone who was, like,
so profound in so many ways,
it's like a civil rights attorney
and just had made such an incredible name
for himself in the work
that he was doing.
But like,
I don't think anyone ever knew, like,
how sick he was
and how much we saw every day.
I just think about literally,
like going on vacations
when he had a feeding tube
and just like
so I think any time I think about
the normalcy that we normalized
around his illness and
no one like knew
what that day to day look like of
some days were just like
we would hear him puking
and like all of these things.
And that was normal in our house.
Like it was normal to have an ambulance
at the house at
least once a month
like the neighbors do, you know.
And so I think that's
when I feel the closest is
this shared experience of
like what it meant to be
his wife and his daughter
and to know that like
so many people,
I think it looked a lot more pretty
than it actually was.
And it was really hard.
So,
yes, that's when I feel closest to you.
You worry about me and I worry about you.
And I have
I have anxiety from,
you know, the phone
call,
when I have a phone call, and my dad
came to my room
at my grandmother's house in Charlotte,
and she he told me that _________ was gone.
And it was just so unbelievable.
And then
so
and then
when we found out aunt _________ passed.
She was first. - Yeah.
Yeah, but yeah.
Just, just
just communicating those moments that are
heartbreaking.
And so whenever
I get a random phone call about you
or I don't know what it's about or,
you know,
somebody that I might not be used to calling me
Calls. - Yeah, calls
in the middle of the day or,
you know,
I'm always asking people,
text me before you call me,
especially family,
because my mind just goes
to the absolute worst place. - Of loss.
Of loss is so like,
yeah, just making sure, you know,
I could just do the body scan
and just make sure
that everything is good.
Um, but of course...
The pain of losing my little brother.
Because I know you.
Because
just the whole situation.
Yeah.
The pain of
his dad
taking custody of him
and how they had to make you
see him in court
in order to justify that. - Yeah.
Um... -, I still haven't gotten over that,
That...
Yeah. - You know, because death happens,
you know, death is
death is a part of life.
But
taking a child
away from a mother
who has sacrificed...
- Right - endlessly
to make her out to be an unfit mother.
Yeah, I'm still not over that.
It just doesn't sit right with me.
Yeah.
What is the pain in me
you'll like to see., um...
You'll like, you'll like.
You'll like to heal? Ouch.
What's the pain in me you'll like to heal?
I would like the pain...
of your son
to heal.
But I know it's a process.
I know
healing is a process,
and it- everybody heals differently,
you know?
And I don't expect you to heal
now, you know.
But as I said,
my friend,
if you need my shoulder to lean on, to cry on,
I'm always here for you, Tasha. But
it is hard.
It is hard.
It is hard, you know?
And yeah,
you just have to take it day by day.
Yeah.
You know,
We would like to see you get strong.
You know, you take it
and you are doing a good job,. - Yeah, you're right.
Yes. You doing a good job.
You know, because as you say,
you are strong. You got back up.
You is a fighter, you is- you strong.
You- you did it,
you know, and you still doing it.
And like I tell people:
You have to allow me time to heal.
You know? Don't- you know-
They see the make up
and they might see me smile
and they feel that I'm okay.
But internally, I'm still healing.
Of course. - You know,
because
the worst possible thing happened to me,
which, you know. - Yeah.
And it's going to take a minute for me,
you know?
It's going to take a minute
for me to heal.
And that's why it's called grief.
And you know, I take steps in healing
because you know what?
Like, I tell people
all the time, it's my journey.
Yeah. - This is my journey.
No, it's no one's journey.
This is my journey.
And I'm walking my journey
and I'm going to
I know that I'm going to be healed
because I have enough faith
Yeah, and you have friends. - I've got friends.
and all that will get over,
you know,
so everybody who believes in me
just have to
just let me be and let me heal.
Of course. Most definitely. - Yeah.
What do you think grief has taught us?
One: I guess is the old saying that, um.
It gets better with time, but it doesn't.
You just more learn
how to deal with it
on a day to day basis.
And the fact that
we've lost so many people
that tomorrow's not promised to anyone,
so care for the people
now while you're here
each day.
The things like don't go to bed angry.
If there are situations,
you just try to resolve them immediately,
not let them linger,
you know?
Also, you've got to live.
Yeah.
You've got to live. Like you said
Tomorrow's not promised.
We've been burying a lot of people.
I know, and __________
when she passed, we had to push for it
because we still had children to raise.
Yeah. - So...
it's no stopping.
Yes.
What do you think
grief has taught us?
Wow.
I think that we
live life like tomorrow
could be the last day.
So, you know,
but after tomorrow, like could you...
And I-
You only live once. - Correct.
Yeah.
You've gone
on great vacation for your birthday.
You know,
you've done everything that you want.
You meet your goals.
You set out to plan something, as do I.
And we achieve whatever we want to do.
Because, you know, now what?
You know, why save for tomorrow?
Because you don't know
if tomorrow is going to even be there.
Yeah. What can happen the next day?
We don't know. - Right.
And we've learned
to cut out people in our lives
that don't really matter.
Oh, yeah.
Because we don't want to waste time
with people that don't deserve our time.
Yeah, that's true.
So I think we're equally on the same
page with that as well. - Oh yeah.
And what I notice like
I don't really get upset or angry
about little things in life anymore.
It's like,
Right. - Okay, I didn't catch the bus.
Oh, well.
You know? - Exactly.
Like somebody else we know. They get upset about everything.
Oh, well. - Exactly.
That's not the worst thing.
That could have happened. - Exactly.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
No. - No.
Because all I could picture was __________
after chemo and standing at those stairs.
And, you know,
anything is better than that was.
Yeah. - Yeah.