I'd like to talk to you today
about a whole new way to think about sexual activity
and sexuality education, by comparison.
If you talk to someone today in America
about sexual activity,
you'll find pretty soon you're not just talking
about sexual activity.
You're also talking about baseball.
Because baseball is the dominant cultural metaphor
that Americans use to think about
and talk about sexual activity,
and we know that because there's
all this language in English
that seems to be talking about baseball
but that's really talking about sexual activity.
So, for example, you can be a pitcher or a catcher,
and that corresponds to whether you
perform a sexual act or receive a sexual act.
Of course, there are the bases,
which refer to specific sexual activities
that happen in a very specific order,
ultimately resulting in scoring a run
or hitting a home run,
which is usually having vaginal intercourse
to the point of orgasm,
at least for the guy.
(Laughter)
You can strike out, which means
you don't get to have any sexual activity.
And if you're a benchwarmer,
you might be a virgin or somebody who for
whatever reason isn't in the game,
maybe because of your age or because of your ability
or because of your skillset.
A bat's a penis,
and a nappy dugout is a vulva, or a vagina.
A glove or a catcher's mitt is a condom.
A switch-hitter is a bisexual person,
and we gay and lesbian folks play for the other team.
And then there's this one:
"if there's grass on the field, play ball."
And that usually refers to
if a young person, specifically often a young woman,
is old enough to have pubic hair,
she's old enough to have sex with.
This baseball model is incredibly problematic.
It's sexist. It's heterosexist.
It's competitive. It's goal-directed.
And it can't result in healthy sexuality
developing in young people or in adults.
So we need a new model.
I'm here today to offer you that new model.
And it's based on
pizza.
Now pizza is something that is universally understood
and that most people associate with a positive experience.
So let's do this.
Let's take baseball and pizza and compare it
when talking about three aspects of sexual activity:
the trigger for sexual activity,
what happens during sexual activity,
and the expected outcome of sexual activity.
So when do you play baseball?
You play baseball when it's baseball season
and when there's a game on the schedule.
It's not exactly your choice.
So if it's prom night or a wedding night
or at a party or if our parents aren't home,
hey, it's just batter up.
Can you imagine saying to your coach,
"Uh, I'm not really feeling it today,
I think I'll sit this game out."
That's just not the way it happens.
And when you get together to play baseball,
immediately you're with two opposing teams,
one playing offense, one playing defense,
somebody's trying to move deeper into the field.
That's usually a sign to the boy.
Somebody's trying to defend people moving into the field.
That's often given to the girl.
It's competitive.
We're not playing with each other.
We're playing against each other.
And when you show up to play baseball,
nobody needs to talk about what we're going to do
or how this baseball game might be good for us.
Everybody knows the rules.
You just take your position and play the game.
But when do you have pizza?
Well, you have pizza when you're hungry for pizza.
It starts with an internal sense, an internal desire, or a need.
"Huh. I could go for some pizza."
(Laughter)
And because it's an internal desire,
we actually have some sense of control over that.
I could decide that I'm hungry
but know that it's not a great time to eat.
And then when we get together with someone for pizza,
we're not competing with them,
we're looking for an experience
that both of us will share
that's satisfying for both of us,
and when you get together for pizza with somebody,
what's the first thing you do?
You talk about it.
You talk about what you want.
You talk about what you like.
You may even negotiate it.
"How do you feel about pepperoni?" (Laughter)
"Not so much, I'm kind of a mushroom guy myself."
"Well, maybe we can go half and half."
And even if you've had pizza with somebody
for a very long time,
don't you still say things like,
"Should we get the usual?"
(Laughter)
"Or maybe something a little more adventurous?"
Okay, so when you're playing baseball,
so if we talk about during sexual activity,
when you're playing baseball,
you're just supposed to round the bases
in the proper order one at a time.
You can't hit the ball and run to right field.
That doesn't work.
And you also can't get to second base and say,
"I like it here. I'm going to stay here."
No.
And also, of course, with baseball, there's, like,
the specific equipment and a specific skill set.
Not everybody can play baseball. It's pretty exclusive.
Okay, but what about pizza?
When we're trying to figure out what's good for pizza,
isn't it all about what's our pleasure?
There are a million different kinds of pizza.
There's a million different toppings.
There's a million different ways to eat pizza.
And none of them are wrong. They're different.
And in this case, difference is good,
because that's going to increase the chance
that we're having a satisfying experience.
And lastly, what's the expected outcome of baseball?
Well, in baseball, you play to win.
You score as many runs as you can.
There's always a winner in baseball,
and that means there's always a loser in baseball.
But what about pizza?
Well, in pizza, we're not really --
there's no winning. How do you win pizza?
You don't. But you do look for,
"Are we satisfied?"
And sometimes that can be different amounts
over different times or with different people
or on different days.
And we get to decide when we feel satisfied.
If we're still hungry, we might have some more.
If you eat too much, though,
you just feel gross.
(Laughter)
So what if we could take this pizza model
and overlay it on top of sexuality education?
A lot of sexuality education that happens today
is so influenced by the baseball model,
and it sets up education that can't help
but produce unhealthy sexuality in young people.
And those young people become older people.
But if we could create sexuality education
that was more like pizza,
we could create education that invites people
to think about their own desires,
to make deliberate decisions about what they want,
to talk about it with their partners,
and to ultimately look for
not some external outcome
but for what feels satisfying,
and we get to decide that.
You may have noticed
in the baseball and pizza comparison,
under the baseball, it's all commands.
They're all exclamation points.
But under the pizza model, they're questions.
And who gets to answer those questions?
You do. I do.
So remember, when we're thinking about
sexuality education and sexual activity,
baseball, you're out.
Pizza is the way to think about healthy,
satisfying sexual activity,
and good, comprehensive sexuality education.
Thank you very much for your time.
(Applause)