>> Stephen: OH, HEY. SAY HELLO TO LOUIS CATO AND THE
"THE LATE SHOW" BAND RIGHT THE THERE.
GOOD TO SEE YOU. LOUIS.
LOUIS, AS A QUICK REMINDER, QUICK REMINDER.
I KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO REMIND YOU BECAUSE YOU TALK ABOUT IT
ALL THE TIME. MY LOVELY WIFE EVIE WAS ON THE
SHOW LITTLE WHILE AGO FOR VALENTINE'S DAY AND WE WERE
DOING A THING CALLED "FIRST DRAFTS."
WE ANNOUNCED THE YOU CAN GO OUT TO GET YOUR OWN LATE SHOW "FIRST
DRAFT" CARDS. I'VE GOT SIX SETS OF TWO CARDS.
SIX DIFFERENT HOLIDAYS ARE COVERED IN THESE FANTASTIC CARDS
HERE. ONE OF WHICH IS A LOVELY CARD
THAT YOU WOULD BUY FOR A LOVED ONE.
THE OTHER ONE IN THIS SET IS THE VERY BAD ONE THAT WAS THE FIRST
DRAFT. QUICK REMINDER.
ALL OF OUR PROCEEDS GO TO HELP WORLD CENTRAL KITCHEN.
GO TO ColbertLateShow.com. WE RAISED ABOUT $15,000,
SOMETHING LIKE THAT SO CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU FOR BEING
NICE PEOPLE. GO GET 'EM.
FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, OR MY LAST SHOW OR FOLLOWED MY
CAREER, YOU KNOW THAT I AM A ROMAN CATHOLIC.
LENT IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. AND AS A CATHOLIC, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO GIVE UP SOMETHING THAT'S KIND OF A TREAT,
WHICH MEANS THIS YEAR I MAY HAVE TO GIVE UP TALKING ABOUT
NEW YORK REPRESENTATIVE GEORGE SANTOS.
BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE EVERY DAY WE LEARN A NEW OUTRAGEOUS LIE.
HE FALSELY CLAIMED TO HAVE JEWISH ANCESTRY, SAID HE WAS
A STAR VOLLEYBALL PLAYER AT THE COLLEGE HE NEVER
ATTENDED, CLAIMED HE HAD A ROLE ON "HANNAH MONTANA," AND WAS
A PRODUCER ON THE DISASTROUS SPIDER-MAN MUSICAL.
AND NOW THERE ARE ALSO NEW LEGAL CONCERNS LIKE THE FACT THAT HIS
CAMPAIGN HAS $365,000 IN UNEXPLAINED EXPENSES,
AND THAT HE WAS ONCE CHARGED WITH STEALING PUPPIES FROM AMISH
DOG BREEDERS. NOW, LISTEN.
I KNOW THAT SOUNDS REALLY BAD BUT IT'S IMPORTANT
TO REMEMBER, IT IS. YOU MAY BE ASKING, STEVE,
IS GEORGE SANTOS SORRY ABOUT ANY OF THIS?
WELL, THE ANSWER MAY CONFUSE YOU.
>> ARE YOU SORRY? >> I'VE SAID I WAS SORRY
MANY TIMES. I'VE BEHAVED AS IF I'M SORRY.
WHEN YOU ASK, "OH, YOU HAVE NOT SHOWN REMORSE" OR "YOU DON'T
SEEM TO LOOK SORRY." I DON'T KNOW WHAT LOOKING SORRY
LOOKS LIKE. >> Stephen: EVIDENTLY, "LOOKING
SORRY" IS NOT ONE OF THE CLASSES THEY TEACH AT
IMAGINARY VOLLEYBALL UNIVERSITY. WELL, GIVEN...
[APPLAUSE] GIVEN HIS GROWING
MOUNTAIN OF LIES, ONGOING INVESTIGATIONS, AND FLAGGING
REPUBLICAN SUPPORT, WHO KNOWS HOW LONG
HE CAN STAY IN OFFICE? HERE TO TELL US HOW
LONG HE CAN STAY IN OFFICE: NEW YORK CONGRESSMAN
GEORGE SANTOS. CONGRESSMAN,
CONGRESSMAN SANTOS, THANKS FOR JOINING US AGAIN.
>> IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK ON YOUR SHOW, HANNAH MONTANA!
>> Stephen: I'M NOT -- OKAY.
CONGRESSMAN, I'M SURPRISED YOU AGREED TO BE HERE SINCE YOU
TWEETED OUT HOW UPSET YOU WERE WITH PEOPLE IMPERSONATING
YOU ON LATE NIGHT SHOWS. >> OF COURSE I'M UPSET!
DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO TURN ON THE TV AND SEE
AN ACTOR PLAYING GEORGE SANTOS WHO IS NOT ONLY MORE
BELIEVABLE THAN YOU ARE, BUT ALSO WAY MORE ATTRACTIVE?
>> Stephen: THAT MUST BE HARD. NOW, SINCE WE LAST
TALKED, YOU WERE ESSENTIALLY FORCED TO STEP DOWN FROM ALL
YOUR COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENTS. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING
WITH YOUR TIME? >> OH, SO MUCH.
I GAVE THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS, SHOT DOWN THOSE SPY
BALLOONS, PERFORMED THE SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW,
WHERE I REVEALED THAT I'M PREGNANT!
>> Stephen: MAZEL TOV? >> WHAT'S THAT?
I DON'T SPEAK JEWISH. >> Stephen: WELL, TO THAT POINT,
YOU'VE ADMITTED TO FABRICATING SOME OF YOUR BACKSTORY.
BUT YOU NEVER SEEM TO SHOW ENOUGH REMORSE ABOUT IT.
>> OH, COME ON, STEPHEN. WHAT DOES SORRY EVEN LOOK LIKE?
IS IT THIS? OR THIS?
OR MAYBE THIS? LL-L-L-L-L-LA.
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT THOSE. NOW CONGRESSMAN, I WANT TO
ASK YOU A QUESTION ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL LIFE.
>> WHICH ONE? >> Stephen: EXACTLY.
YESTERDAY THE HOUSE WAS ASKED TO INVESTIGATE YOUR SEVEN-YEAR
MARRIAGE TO A BRAZILIAN WOMAN UNDER THE SUSPICION THAT IT
WAS JUST A SHAM FOR HER TO GET HER A GREEN CARD.
>> WELL, AS WE SAY IN VOLLEYBALL: THAT'S A YELLOW
CARD! >> Stephen: REALLY?
YOU SAY IT LIKE MARIO? CONGRESSMAN, LISTEN.
I UNDERSTAND THE CONFUSION. BECAUSE YOU NOW CLAIM TO BE
MARRIED TO A MAN -- BUT THE THING IS, YOU'VE
NEVER BEEN SEEN WITH THAT MAN, AND YOU DON'T WEAR
A WEDDING RING. SO WHAT EXACTLY IS
YOUR MARITAL STATUS? >> OH, STEPHEN!
STEPHEN, STEPHEN. HOW DARE YOU ASK ME THAT
ON MY WEDDING DAY? >> Stephen: WHO ARE YOU
MARRYING NOW? >> I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST WANTED TO REGISTER SO I CAN GET THIS
AIR FRYER. THESE THINGS ARE BULKY.
BULKY TO STEAL. >> Stephen: CONGRESSMAN,
AT THIS POINT EVEN SOME REPUBLICANS ARE BACKING AWAY
FROM YOU. AREN'T YOU WORRIED ABOUT FACING
A HOUSE ETHICS INVESTIGATION? >> BRING ON THE ETHICS
INVESTIGATION. THEY WON'T FIND ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: REALLY? NO WRONGDOING?
>> NO. NO "ETHICS."
>> Stephen: OKAY. WELL, I BELIEVE THAT.
THERE YOU GO. I BELIEVE THAT.
ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THE CRIMINAL CHARGE THAT YOU STOLE
PUPPIES FROM AN AMISH DOG BREEDER.
>> MORE LIES FROM THE AMISH MEDIA!
I NEVER STOLE ANY PUPPIES. >> Stephen: BUT THERE IS
CLEAR EVIDENCE. THERE ARE MULTIPLE CHECKS WITH
YOUR NAME ON THEM TO THE AMISH DOG BREEDER.
HOW CAN YOU CLAIM TO BE INNOCENT?
>> OH, I HAVE TWO LITTLE EYEWITNESSES RIGHT HERE!
WHOSE GONNA TESTIFY FOR ME? STOLEN PUPPY NUMBER ONE?
OR NUMBER TWO? >> Stephen: THEY ARE VERY
ADORABLE. >> YOU WANT 'EM?
YOU CAN HAVE THEM FOR $365,000. I'LL EVEN THROW IN AN AIR FRYER!
>> Stephen: I DON'T NEED AN AIR FRYER.
>> NO. I MEAN, GIVE ME THE MONEY
OR I'LL THROW THEM IN AN AIR FRYER.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I'M SORRY I EVER ASKED YOU ON.
AND I DON'T SEE HOW YOU COULD POSSIBLY BOUNCE BACK FROM
ALL OF THIS CONTROVERSY. >> EASY, STEPHEN.
WITH A BIG MUSICAL NUMBER FROM MY BROADWAY SHOW,
"SPIDERMAN: TURN OFF THE DARK." HIT IT!
>> Stephen: DON'T HIT IT, LOUIS. >> STILL HIT IT, LOUIS!
[SINGING TO THE TUNE OF "OKLAHOMA"]
OOOOOOOOOOOO-SPIDER MAN
WHERE THE LIGHTS GO TURNING OFF THE DARK!"
>> Stephen: REPRESENTATIVE SANTOS, EVERYONE!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE REVEREND AL SHARPTON.