-[ British accent ] Hey, everybody!
It's me, Phil Wang! Wow!
[ Laughter ]
It's lovely being in in New York.
As you can probably tell, I'm not from around here.
Uh, I'm from New Jersey.
Um... [ Laughter ]
Yeah, my people in. [ Laughter ]
Nah, just a little joke there to get us started.
And I've come over from the U.K.
It's lovely to be in America. An incredible place, America.
I've seen some amazing things that I've never seen before.
For example, yesterday, I saw in a shop for sale
a bottle of 1,000 ibuprofen.
[ Laughter ]
I didn't know you could do that.
I -- It was in this little boutique apothecary.
I stumbled across a Walgreens. And...
[ Laughter ]
And you can get there a bottle of 1,000 ibuprofen tablets,
just loose like grain.
Uh... [ Laughter ]
Is that what freedom is?
I -- a thousand ibuprofen.
I want to end my headache, not it all.
[ Laughter ]
In the U.K., Ibuprofen comes in packs of 16 tablets,
and you're only legally allowed to buy two packs at once, right?
And each pack says on it, "Don't do it!
Think of your family!"
[ Laughter ]
In America, you can buy a personal silo of ibuprofen,
no questions asked.
That's just how much confidence America has in itself,
in its quality of life.
Every day, America gives the citizens
the means to off themselves at unbeatable prices.
[ Laughter ]
But they know that they won't,
'cause life here is fun!
There's too much to live for.
In the U.K., our government is like,
"Have you seen the weather and the food?
If we let these people buy, I don't know, 33 ibuprofen,
they're gonna take them all at once."
[ Laughter ]
The U.S. is just such a positive place.
Everyone in the U.S. is optimistic.
I mean, the country's literally called --
"U.S.! U.S.!"
In Britain, everyone is depressed.
Our country's called [Sadly] U.K.
[ Laughter ]
"You okay?"
Just a little joke there.
[ Laughter ]
You got to get your kicks where you can, I suppose.
I was recently looking at, uh, pornography,
and it's just a still image, still porn.
I've gone back to still porn.
The videos were overwhelming for me.
I've gone back to still images.
I'm a big fan of still porn. I hope it comes back.
Still porn, it's still porn.
That's a slogan I've been working on
for still porn.
It was a picture of a topless woman.
You know the kind. [ Laughter ]
It was lovely. She had her boobs out.
And you could see everything except for her nipples, right?
You couldn't see her nipples, 'cause she was covering them
with the tips of her fingers, like this.
She was, "Ooh-ooh, ooh-unh-unh."
You know, all coquettish?
Like, "Unh-unh-unh, ooh-la-la.
Ooh-hoo-hoo. Not quite."
Hoo-hoo-hoo. Oh, better luck next time.
Hmm-hmm-hmm."
Which pissed me off, actually,
because why is she covering her nipples?
I've already seen the bit that I'm interested in.
Right? Which is the rest, right?
Which is the boob, uh, flesh.
A mound? I don't know what you call it.
The -- The -- The bulb,
the boob, the blob -- the boob blob.
I've already seen the boob blob.
And that's the bit I'm interested in,
'cause that's the shape.
That's the bit that the fellas don't have.
Right? So, why is she covering her nipples?
'Cause everyone's got nipples.
Everybody -- Everyone's -- Everybody's got nipples.
I've got nipples. I've got nipples, sweetheart.
I've got nipples. [ Laughter ]
Why do you be so precious about the nipples?
I don't need her, 'cause you be like,
"Okay, that's what she means. Alright, yeah, sure."
[ Laughter ]
Why have we all agreed, as a society,
that you haven't officially seen a woman's breast
until you've seen the nipple,
which is the bit that men also have?
It doesn't make any sense. Think about it.
When you see it, when a naked person comes on TV,
which bit do they blur out?
They blur out the penis or the vagina,
because that is a bit the other half of people don't have.
Alright, that's a special, sexy, exclusive bit.
So, why, when there's a topless woman on TV,
why do they blur out the nipple,
which is the bit that everybody's got?
It doesn't make any sense.
It's like blurring out her elbows.
[ Laughter ]
And the nipples are the least-remarkable part
of the equation. Really, strictly speaking,
when there's a topless woman on TV,
the nipples should be
crystal clear... [ Laughter ]
...like 4K HD. [ Laughter ]
And they should blur out the surrounding boob.
[ Laughter ]
So in this picture I was looking at,
if the lady really wanted to be sexy,
she should have been covering her breasts,
but like, uh, this.
[ Laughter ]
Thanks very much, everyone. Phil. I love you a lot.
Have a good one. [ Cheers and applause ]