-Our first guest tonight is a comedian, activist,
and six-time number-one
"New York Times" best-selling author.
Her latest special, "Chelsea Handler: Evolution,"
is available to stream on HBO Max.
Let's take a look. -Which brings me
to the strong and deep sexual feelings
that I have developed for Andrew Cuomo.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I mean, I know we all feel it. A lot of women are feeling it.
When he came on the scene, he looked like
the Incredible Hulk also.
You know, that big Italian gorilla.
It's like, "Put on your mask."
I'm like, "Oh, I'll put my mask on.
Oh, yeah, I will. I'll put on my mask."
He's the kind of [Bleep] that I will do [Bleep] for.
And you know he's an [Bleep],
and that's what I like about him.
Like, an old-fashioned [Bleep] --
somebody who's gonna tell me to sit down and shut up.
I want him to flatten my curve,
and then I want to flatten his curve.
[ Laughter ]
And then I want us to apex together.
-Please welcome back to the show our good friend Chelsea Handler.
How are you, Chelsea?
-Hi, Seth.
-It is so lovely to see you braving the elements.
You're in Canada.
-I am. I'm Canadian now, I think.
I'm hoping to become Canadian.
I actually came home -- I was skiing all morning,
and I came home to try and do my hair for you.
And then I just realized it was futile.
So I decided, "Screw it."
You don't give a [Bleep]. I don't either.
-I think you found a perfect solution,
because this is an excellent look for you.
You are a fairly avid skier. Is that a fair assessment?
-Yes. I'm in Whistler, Canada.
I'm working in Canada,
so I can combine my two favorite things --
um, Canada and cannabis.
-[ Laughs ] That's a nice combo.
You have jokes --
maybe there was more truth to it than that --
about maybe moving to Canada one of these days.
Now that you're spending some time there,
is that something you would consider?
-Well, I did buy a house in Canada --
in Whistler, specifically -- right before the election,
because I was, like -- you know, I was a little bit scared
of what could possibly happen.
But now I just have this great place,
and I have this gig up here in Canada.
So I'm like, "Oh, I guess I'll just move in
to my new pad -- my new ski pad."
So, I'm, like, living alone.
It's like my first big-girl apartment.
I'm all by myself.
I had to quarantine for two weeks with my dog.
So my house smells like dog urine and cannabis.
-You mentioned you're there by yourself.
You've been very honest over the years,
in your books and stand-up,
about the fact that you're fairly pampered
and have had a pretty supportive staff.
How did you do, setting up a house by yourself?
-[ Chuckles ] It's not --
I mean, I've thrown my back out twice.
I tried to roll out a carpet.
I've tried to cook several items, you know?
And nothing's edible.
I did learn how to bake a chicken.
So that's something. -That is something.
-But I want to be more self-sufficient.
So, like, I'm trying really hard,
but it's embarrassing, 'cause I'm like 45
and I can't do basic stuff. -[ Chuckles ]
The same is true of me,
and I've got a couple years on you.
Hey, here's Bert and Bernice.
You mentioned your two dogs. Do I have their names right?
-Yeah. [ Laughs ] Yeah, that's them.
-How are they behaving?
Are they enjoying their time with you?
-They are. Well, the cleaning lady
is really the top dog at my house in L.A.
My dogs really prefer her. Her name is Mabel.
They prefer her over me, so them saying goodbye
was very traumatic for my big dog, Bert,
'cause she really likes to egg it on.
She likes that they like her more.
She's got that over me.
But when they were saying goodbye at the airport,
it was really ridiculous -- like, open-mouth kissing.
And the more she does that --
like, she's literally opening her mouth
and kissing my dog, and he's also --
his mouth is also open.
And I'm watching that like, "How is this okay?"
And then, the more she does that,
the more depressed Bert is when she's gone.
We get on the plane, and he's just like this.
-[ Chuckles ] -So it's rough.
-So, if Bert wanted to open-mouth kiss you,
would you push him away?
Well, no. That's a great question, Seth.
And thanks for asking it. -Yeah.
-I think that if Bert wanted to kiss me,
I would be so delighted that I would --
No, I don't think I would open-mouth kiss him,
because I know what kind of food I'm feeding him,
and I don't want that in my mouth.
-I recently -- Over the holidays,
I saw my parents' dogs.
And I did some open-mouth kissing with them.
And basically, my wife then demanded,
like, quarantine for that -- that I had done that.
-[ Laughs ]
There's a lot of things we're finding out
that you should be quarantining for and from.
-So, I know it's difficult to, obviously, date
during a pandemic. And from the clip,
you mentioned your early lust for Governor Cuomo.
How are you feeling now? Because, you know,
the vaccine roll-out is not crushing it.
-No, he's not crushing it. I'm over him.
He's too old and sloppy anyway for me.
-[ Laughs ] -You know what I mean?
I mean, I'm just not...
Like, he had his day.
He apexed, and now the apex is over.
-[ Laughs ] -Did you think --
Did he have a pretty good run,
as far as holding Chelsea Handler's affection?
I feel like we're being hard on him now,
but you had like four or five months, right?
-Yeah. No, he was definitely --
I mean, we were all hot for it,
because we were all so dehydrated
for decent leadership.
It's like, "Can somebody be in charge around here?"
Like, just being in Canada, everybody's so different.
Everybody wears a mask.
Nobody's saying no to wearing a mask.
You know, it's so civilized here.
So I'm -- I forget what the question --
Oh, Andrew Cuomo. Sorry. I went off about my --
-That's how fast he's left your mind.
-[ Laughs ]
-Couldn't even remember his name.
[ Laughs ] -I'm like, "Andrew who?"
First of all, I didn't even -- Let's be honest.
I didn't know that Andrew Cuomo --
I thought Mario Cuomo was the governor of New York
until COVID hit. [ Laughter ]
So I was confused. -He was one of
the first casualties -- we lost Mario.
-[ Laughs ] -Early.
-Yeah, we did lose Mario early.
-I do want to ask you --
obviously, you've been skiing, and you mentioned you're alone.
You've talked about having trouble with guides
over the years -- specifically, male guides.
Are you skiing alone or with assistance?
-Yeah, in my special -- my HBO Max special, "Evolution,"
I talk a lot about how I get turned on
when a man is in control of me, as many women do.
I like to pay somebody to look after me.
These are injuries, obviously, from my childhood.
But I'm aware of them, and I also like
the transaction of paying someone to say, "Okay,
you're my responsibility." Right?
But then I slip up, because sometimes
I get romantic with these people.
And that doesn't end well,
so now I ski with only female guides.
-[ Laughs ] So you don't trust yourself.
It's a classic Mike Pence move.
-It's a... [ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ] Exactly.
-You know, we're being so hard on him,
and there he's got the same problem as you do.
-Oh, Mike Pence is the worst. We could get rid of --
-No, you two are the same. [ Laughter ]
-Twinsies! -[ Laughs ]
-Hey, congratulations on the special.
I can't imagine it was easy putting that together
during the times we're living in.
It's always such a delight to see you, Chelsea.
-Always. You too, Seth. Say hi to your family for me.
-Alright, I'll see you soon, I hope.