YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT AS THE GUY WHOSE FACE IS ON THEw
BUILDING, PLEASE WELCOME STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( THEME SONG PLAYING )
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOODNESS.
WOW!
I LOVE THAT BAND.
>> Trevor: THAT WAS -- I DON'T THINK MY AUDIENCE CHEERED FOR
YOU LIKE THEY WERE YOUR AUDIENCE.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S WHY YOU'VE GOT THE BEST
AUDIENCE IN THE WORLD RIGHT THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I FEEL LIKE IT!
WELCOME TO THE SHOW -- >> Stephen: I FEEL LIKE IT'S
MY AUDIENCE.
THANKS, MAN.
>> A LOT OF YOU DON'T KNOW THIS ABOUT YOU, BUT YOU ACTUALLY HAVE
YOUR OWN LATE NIGHT SHOW.
>> Stephen: RUMOR HAS IT, YEAH.
>> Trevor: AND YOU TAPE USUALLY DURING THE DAY, RIGHT --
>> Stephen: 5:30.
BUT THERE ARE TIMES WHEN YOU GO LIVE.
>> Stephen: AFTER BIG EVENTS LIKE CONVENTION OR DEBATES.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WE JUST DID THE STATE OF THE UNION LIVE.
>> WHAT IS IT LIKE HERE WHEN YOU GO LIVE.
DOES THE ENERGY CHANGE?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
NORMALLY, WHEN YOU DO A SHOW YOU COME IN ALWAYS LOOKING AT THE
CLOCK.
T( THOSE HANDSxD AREÑi SPINNING.
THE HOUR HAND IS SPIN SO FAST BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU'VE GOT TO
HIT EVERY MARK DURING THE DAY.
IT'S LIKE THE WHEELS YOU SLICE HAM ON AT THE GROCERY STORE,
THAT'S HOW FAST THE CLOCK IS GOING.
BUT ON A LIVE SHOW IT'S LANG BID BECAUSE YOU -- LANGWID BECAUSE
YOU GET IN EARLY AND PRETEND TO BE READY FOR THE SHOW BECAUSE
YOU'RE ONLY GOING TO TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS AN HOUR BEFORE THE
SHOW, SO EVERYTHING GETS WRITTEN IN THE LAST HOUR AND A HALF TO
AN HOUR, AND SO, IT'S JUST -- IT'S KIND OF TORPOR AND THEN
PANICKED ACTION, ADRENALINE SQUIRTING AND I'M SURE, LIKE,
COLLAPSING YOUR ORGANS.
TAKING A YEAR OUT OF YOUR LIFE TO GET IT RIGHT.
>> Trevor: YOU DESCRIBED THAT IN A SURPRISINGLY SEXUAL WAY.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR LIFE
SHOW LIKE.
DON'T YOUçó HAVE THAT SAME EXPERIENCE?
>> Trevor: PLEASE, I'M INTERVIEWING YO+
LET'S MOVE ON.
>> Stephen: UNLESS YOU PRETEND TO BE LIVE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Trevor: LET ME ASK YOU -- >> Stephen: MY LIFE'S AN OPEN
BOOK.
>> Trevor: DO YOU EVER HAVE A FEAR THE LIVE SHOW WILL BE
BORING BEFáQ YOU DON'T KNOWÑi WHAT IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE.
STATE OF THE UNION COMES AROUND.
STATE OF THE UNION IS NOT EXCITING.
TRUMP IS EXCITING.
>> Stephen: TRUMP ON PROMPTER IS ALWAYS A WORRY.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: IF HE GETS UP THERE AND JUST READS WHAT HE WAS
TOLD TO READ, THAT THE WORRY IS THAT HE'LL SEEM NORMAL.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN THERE'S NOTHING TO SAY
BECAUSE -- >> Trevor: DO YOU HAVE A
BACKUP PLAN?
>> Stephen: ME?
>> Trevor: FOR WHEN TRUMP SOUNDS NORMAL.
>> Stephen: PANIC.
( LAUGHTER ) NO, I HAVE FAITH SOMETHING
WILL ALWAYS BE STRANGE.
SOMETHING WILL ALWAYS BE LATE ODD.
>> Trevor: SOMETHING WILL ALWAYS BE STRANGE.
>> Stephen: IT'S THE NATURE OF HIM, THAT SORT OF EL DUCHE, THIS
ACTION -- ( LAUGHTER )
>> Trevor: THE HANDS.
I LOVE THE HANDS.
>> Stephen: MM-HMM.
THIS THING.
>> Trevor: YEP.
>> Stephen: I LOVE WHEN HE SAYS SOMETHING COMPLIMENTARY TO
THE DEMOCRATS AND HE GOES, "AND I BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE SHOULD NOT
BE KILLED BY THEIR HEALTHCARE.
ANYTHING?
DID YOU LIKE THAT?
WE SHOULDN'T ACTUALLY GRIND UP POOR PEOPLE AND EAT THEM --
ANYTHING?
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GIVE ME ANYTHING?"
( LAUGHTER ) >> Trevor: LET ME ASK YOUÑi
THIS -- ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
>> Trevor: THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT TURN TO YOUR SHOW TO
GET THE NEWS.
WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR NEWS FROM?
>> Stephen: BEFORE I GO TO THE BED I LOOK AT THE "NEW YORK
TIMES."
I LOOK AT DRUDGE TO SEE HOW THE NEWS STORY IS BEING SPUN IN ONE
DIRECTION, I LOOK AT ANOTHER TO SEE HOW IT'S SPUN IN THE OTHER
DIRECTION, I LOOK AT REDDIT, AND TWITTER TO SEE HOW THINGS ARE
TWENDING.
>> THAT'S WHAT THEY SHOULD CALL IT.
>> Stephen: AND I'LL CHECK HIS TWITTER FEED TO SEE WHAT HIS
MOOD IS IN THE MORNING, HOW EXECUTIVE TIME WENT FOR HIM.
HOW MUCH FIBER HE HAD THE NIGHT BEFORE DETERMINES HOW MUCH
EXECUTIVE TIME.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Trevor: THE WAY YOU PHRASE
IT ALMOST MAKES IT SOUND LIKE YOU CHECK ON HIM LIKE HE'S YOUR
CHILD.
I GO IN HIS ROOM AND CHECK HOW HE'S DOING IN THE MORNING.
>> Stephen: I JUST LOOK AT THE NANNY CAM.
THAT'S WHAT TWITTER IS WITH TRUMP, THE NANNY CAM.
>> Trevor: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.
>> Stephen: HE'S CRANKY, NOT SLEEPING.
( APPLAUSE ) IS THIS MINE?
>> Trevor: YES, WE USE IT FOR ALL OUR GUESTS BUT IT'S YOURS
FOR NOW.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> Trevor: CAN YOU TASTE J. LO?
>> Stephen: I'M NOT GOING TO TOUCH THAT!
>> Trevor:çó IT'S ALL THE GUESTS YOU EVER HAD ON ONE CUP.
>> Stephen: I'VE NEVER HAD J. LO.
SHE'S NEVER BEEN ON HERE.
>> Trevor: ARE YOU SERIOUS?
>> Stephen: I WOULDN'T JOKE ABOUT THAT.
HAVE YOU HAD J. LO ON YOUR SHOW?
>> Trevor: TWICE.
>> Stephen: ( BLEEP ) YOU.
IS THAT TRUE?
>> Trevor: TWICE, TWICE.
( LAUGHTER )çóçó ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )çó
>> Trevor: AAAHHH!
AAAHHH!
>> Stephen: THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME AT ALL.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Trevor: I WANT TO ASK YOU,
YOU SAID YOU WERE AN OPEN BOOK.
WHEN YOU STARTED HOSTING THIS SHOW, A LOT OFçó PEOPLE WERE
STRESSED THAT YOU WEREN'T GOING TO SUCCEED.
>> Stephen: ME, TOO.
>> Trevor: RIGHT.
AND, INITIALLY, REVIEWS CAME OUT, LIKE, COLBERT'S LOST IT,
THIS IS IT, HE SHOULD HAVE STAYED ON HIS OLD SHOW, HE
DOESN'T HAVE IT.
>> Stephen: THEY WEREN'T THAT HARSH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Trevor: NO, YOU KNOW WHY --
CAN I TELL YOU WHY -- >> Stephen: I DIDN'T READ THEM
BUT -- >> Trevor: I REMEMBER THEY
WERE THAT HARSH BECAUSE THEY WERE SIMILAR TO MY REVIEWS.
THAT'S WHY I REMEMBER THEM.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH, YEAH, I REMEMBER THOSE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )Ñi
J. LOçó MY ASS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Trevor: LET ME ASK YOU
THIS, WAS THERE Añr POINT WHERE YOU JEN WHRIN THOUGHT TO
YOURSELF, I'VE MADE THE BIGGEST MISTAKExD EVER?
WAS THERE EVER A MOMENT WHERE YOU HAD DOUBTS?
>> Stephen: I THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS ONE OF THE MOST
AGONIZING THINGS I'VE EVER TONE.
>> Trevor: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.
I'VE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT STOPPING.
( APPLAUSE ) I WORRIED THAT I HAD TAKEN
SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL, WHICH WAS SORT OF THIS NINE AND A HALF
YEAR VERSION OF THAT CHARACTER --
>> Trevor: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: SORT OF LIKE A SELF-CONTAINED LITTLE SNOW GLOBE
OF A SHOW, YOU KNOW.
>> Trevor: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHICH SORT OF AT THE END OF IT WE REVEALED WAS A
FIELD PIECE I WASÑi DOING FOR JO AT THE END.
IT WAS A NINE HALF YEAR FIELD PIECE FOR JON.
AND THAT WAS LIKE A LITTLE PERFECT LITTLE GLASS TOY OR
SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO DESCRIBE IT, BUT A VERY
DELICATE THING TO HAVE CREATED, HOWEVER ODDLY WE DID IT.
I THOUGHT, I COULD HAVE JUST WALKED AWAY FROM THAT AND HAD
THIS PERFECT LITTLE -- KNOT PERFECT IN EVERY CONCEPTION OR
MOMENT OF IT, BUT KIND OF Añr PERFECT BEGINNING, MIDDLE AND
END OF A SITUATION.
NOW I PUT MYSELF IN ENORMOUS VULNERABILITY WHERE,
TRANSPARENTLY, I TID NOT HAVEçóÑ UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT I WAS
DOING, AND THAT WORRIED ME THAT WOULD BE MY LEGACY AND NOT THE
LEGACY OF THE OLD SHOW, WHICH IS NOT JUST MINE, BUT EVERYBODY
ELSE WOULD HAVE WORKED ON IT.
AND I NEVER IN A MOMENT IMAGINED I WOULD STOP AND I NEVER LOST
FAITH IN THE PEOPLE AROUND ME BECAUSEçó I KNEW THESE ARE THE
SAME PEOPLE AROUNDñr ME THAT HELPED ME CREATE THEÑiñr FIRST
THINGS.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: IT WASÑi MY JOBxD TO CALM ( BLEEP ) DOWN AND GO BAC
TO WORK TOMORROW.
>> THERE WAS THE WEEK YOU WENT NUMBER ONE IN THE RATINGS, AND
THAT WAS A VICTORIOUS MOMENT FOR THE STAFF, SHOW, EVERYONE.
IT'S AN AMAZING MOMENT FOR THE HOST.
IT'S ONE OF THE SCARIEST MOMENT.
A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK IT'S A DUMB THING, BUT IT REALLY IS A
SCARY MOMENT, BECAUSE IT'S NOT JUST YOUR JOB, IT'S THE JOBS OF
HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE ON THE SHOW.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> Trevor: AND, STEPHEN, HERE IT IS, FIRST TIME EVER, YOU'RE
NUMBER ONE IN LATE NIGHT.
HOW BIG WAS YOUR ( BLEEP ) DAY >> Stephen: AGAIN, I MAX
CAMERA.
( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY THING IS WE BOUGHT
EVERYBODY ON THE STAFF PIZZA.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YOU KNOW WHAT?
THERE IS SOMETHING AT LATE NIGHT STUFF THAT PIZZA HAS THE MOST
POWERFULÑi EMOTIONAL -- I'VE TREATED THE STAFF TO EVERYTHING
FROM SUSHI TO INDIAN FOOD TO -- BUT PIZZA DAY IS WHEN PEOPLE GO,
YEAH, THIS IS THE GREATEST BOSS IN THE WORLD.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I THINK I KNOW WHY
BECAUSE DOING A LATE NIGHT SHOW IS A LOT LIKE MOVING INTO A NEW
APARTMENT.
IT CAN BE BRUTAL, GRUNT WORK TO GET THE THING UP EVERY DAY, AND
WHAT DO YOU GIVE YOUR FRIENDS WHENçó THEY HELP YOU MOVE?
YOU ORDER PIZZAS.
>> SUSHI WOULD BE HORRIBLE.
>> Stephen: SUSHI WOULD BE HORRIBLE ON MOVING DAY.
ALL THAT SWEAT AND STEAM.
>> Trevor: YOU WANT TO TREAT YOURSELF.
HOW DO YOU TREAT YOURSELF?
I DON'T SEE YOU OUT DOING RANDOM ( BLEEP ).
DO YOU GO OUT AND DO THINGS?
>> Stephen: I' WHAT DO YOU DO?
>> Trevor: I'M FLYING AROUND RANDOM PLACES IN THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE YOU?
>> Trevor: I'M 34 YEARS OLD.
>> Stephen: ( BLEEP ) YOU!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) DO YOU HAVE ANYÑiA5■ CHILDREN?
>> Trevor: NO, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: I HAVE THREE CHILDREN AND I'M 54 YEARS OLD!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Trevor: WHAT DOES THIS
MEAN, STEPHEN?
>> Stephen: I CAN'T EVEN HAVE A GLASS OF WINE ON A SHOW NIGHT.
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T EVEN DRINK ANYMORE OR ELSE I WILL BE DEAD
TOMORROW BECAUSE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT WOULD BE FUN, TREVOR, THAT WOULD BE FUN TO GO OUT, I WILL
GO OUT WITH TREVOR AND WE'LL HIT THE SCENE AND THE CLUBS AND IT
WILL BE ME AND TREV AND J. LO AND IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, TREVOR?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THE NEXT DAY, I WOULDN'T DO THE SHOW AT THE LEVEL I KNOW I COULD
IF I HAD STAYED HOME.
AND IÑi CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE MORE THAN FUN.Ñi
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THESE PEOPLE, THEY ARE MY PARTY.
THESE PEOPLE ARE ALL I CARE ABOUT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )ñrñrçó ( BAND PLAYING )çóÑi
>> Trevor: THE G)4t NEWS IS THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT MY PEOPLE,
THEY'RE YOUR PEOPLE, YOU DESERVE EVERY ONE OF THEM.
THANK YOU FOR COMING TO THE SHOW.
STEPHEN COLBERT, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!C ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )