G'day, A.J. Mahari here why do people with borderline personality disorder
move on so fast after or ghosting or discarding you or in many cases not all
why are they monkey branching while they're still with you and it very much centers around
the splitting versus not being able to re-idealize and the pain that people at bpd do have
untreated 24 7. and the fact that they always they always have tension and stress and other
emotional dysregulation going on inside to one degree or another when they start to move on
inside that is at first because it happens suddenly to you the ex but when they start to feel
it's just too stressful too painful that you know they want to be close they can't get close they
can't stay close they don't really take in your love they don't know all this they don't know
how to trust you right the lack of self again so people with bpd will move on quickly and sometimes
there is that monkey branching and sometimes that's not true but when they move on of
course it's gonna seem very quickly to you because you can't know what's going on inside
of them and it could be just really quickly period but the thing is when people with bpd
break up and then move on to someone else very quickly it really truly is the epitome
of their needing to like protect themselves on the one hand from who they've been with
but make no mistake about it this is inside the person with bpd it's a repetition compulsion
it's reenactment of adverse child experience it's not about you so you get very devalued
super like the end of devaluation to value which is really about their past not you so they cut you
off if they're not monkey branching right they cut you off and they back away or they get gone
and maybe you're not sure what happened because in the ghosting it's not always clear and then
the next thing is happening for the person with bpd is many of them is that they will then go on
and and meet someone else because they're not all monkey branching and then it's all the good
feelings over there all that sort of hope again and all that sort of like this will be different
and because they externalize out the reasons why things don't work out onto each partner
who becomes the next acts right then they go on so then as they're feeling good about a new
person in an idealizing mirroring people-pleasing way just like heading toward a honeymoon phase
repeating everything all over again as they do that then they cut you out you become out of sight
out of mind because people with bpd are inherently not because they have npd bpd is bpd they are
inherently quote lack of self-focused unquote if i could put it that way so they're they're going
through things i'm not this is an explanation not i'm trying to legitimize what people bpd do
when they move on so quickly and break up or ghost or discard and move on so quickly
even without the monkey branching they are so involved in trying to protect themselves
in repetition compulsion cycled ways so are they trying to protect themselves from not
you the the partner or the ex but how you come to represent the parent the wounding parent because
the person with bpd cannot regulate can cannot get out of the you're all good or you're all bad
so when you become all bad at a certain point in time that all bad just sort of sticks and there's
no coming back to the middle let alone all good so you're in all bad which has nothing to do with you
it's about the person with bpd their reenactment of adverse childhood experience their repetition
compulsion cycle you're in the all bad day ghost or discard or you you know whatever
however this ends the bpd relationship breakup and and without they're not all monkey branching
i just want to say that again so then they go on to the next person fairly quickly yes
but that's because the next person is they're going through the same paces that they always go
through people with bpd especially untreated the next phase for them is oh somebody knew because
they externalize out their own issues so it's not your fault that the ex left ghosted whatever
now they go on to the next person and everything's feeling wonderful for them again like a little
child you know it's a new season at disney world or disneyland or something and and then they they
do block out x's or the previous relationship and it does become an out of sight out of mind
quote reality unquote to the borderline because they've left you in the painted all black
very negative devaluation split and the next person anew but like you were in the past as
an all good fantastic person who's going to be able to somehow be so different and meet all
this person's needs with bpd many with untreated borderline personality disorder come to this
moment in time inside where they just get to this final devaluation split it's final and it just
can't at that point in time be changed or seen any differently or experienced any differently
and therefore they ghost they're gone they discard you it's a repetition compulsion cycles
this is why people with bpd get gone so quickly and is it as quickly inside of them as
it looks to you like because you you might think everything's sort of okay or you were just close
and then boom they're gone they've ghosted you can't reach them oh maybe they'll text you back
once in a blue moon but they're sort of in that phase of yeah finding somebody else so they don't
do people mention the bp a lot of people bp they don't do this quote properly or in a healthy way
but what's really important for you to remember if you're an accident you didn't break up with
the person with bpd but they ghosted you or took off or just and went with someone well sometimes
it is the monkey branching but it isn't always but the bottom line is you just get so split
you get painted black split totally it's like there's this there's this time of a devaluation
in each person with bpd especially untreated their cycle of many devaluations that can still
you know they don't leave relationships but then there comes this sort of like the only words i can
think of so like a super evaluation where it just is everything in anything that they feel about the
wounding parent about what happened to them in childhood which they don't understand is what's
driving them in the here and now they think it's you the ex they think it's your fault but it's not
so this is what drives them and this may percolate inside of them there may be many splits to the
valuation wherein they're like i can't handle you know the way they're feeling inside the tension
that males the anxiety the fear of abandonment all of these things when they get close to you
so this is like probably happening for at least a couple months or more for a lot of people bpd
before they're all of a sudden gone but it's happening inside of them and you can't know that
and then all of a sudden they get gone they're just gone right they've ghosted they've just
well ghosting is more appropriate than discarding but whichever word you prefer
so people bpd move on so quickly because they get to an end point of devaluation
cycling if i can put it that way it's just an end point where they can't see any other way to handle
their feelings which yes they've externalized out onto you as you're the one to blame
when you're not and then so they just go look for the next person and maybe without cognitive
conscious understanding that they're looking they don't know what they're looking for they
just figure that the whole reason they're going through what they're going through is you when
it's not it's the repetition compulsion cycles and everything that's unresolved from childhood
and then they go to the next person thinking well because you know this starts it starts to feel
better it'll be better so it's very childlike it's sort of like a little kid this is serious
adult stuff right but it's like a little kid in a sandbox say four or five years old and somebody
you know they they're fighting over a pail and everybody so so per kid likes the pale for a
while i'm not comparing you to a pale really but you know the kid likes it's it's the object aspect
of this so the kid really loves the blue pail and so the blue pale is it you know a kid plays with
maybe the same friend let's say and there's some sharing of the blue pale but you know personal bpd
doesn't really feel comfortable with the sharing of the blue pale because there's a fear that
you're going to steal it there's a fear that you know you're you're going to somehow um wreck it
you're gonna do something to them or to the pale you know it just like this is the magical thinking
of how they're feeling and then believing that that is associated with what's about to happen or
you know and they externalize this out and so i'm sorry for comparing you to a pale but it's
like when they when they have the pale you know like say they're it's kind of like a four or
five-year-old behavior type thing it's like this is my pail and this is good but then like but like
oh you kept it overnight i thought you took it and now like it doesn't feel like my pail anymore
and i know that that's you know but i'm just trying to give you sort of the childlike emotional
kind of idea of not what they think but what they start to feel like somehow you broke it
the relationship somehow you did something when you didn't please hear me you didn't but for
the person with bpd they are so stressed by the repetition compulsions the triggers inside of them
the emotional dysregulation the approach avoidance conflict that they externalize it
out as if all that they're going through inside which they do not talk about they sometimes act
out but you can't understand it it's going on inside of them they don't understand it
so i'm just trying to explain this not justify it so the next thing you know there will they'll come
there comes a time when there just is this end devaluation point and i don't know that
the person with bp really understands that or knows especially untreated that that's the case
it's just from one minute to the next suddenly because of their magical thinking they just go
they just go and they they just think that you know you have done enough to them which isn't
the case right but they've been so triggered and trying to regulate so much inside that they can't
and not understanding why they feel the way they feel why they've had all the anxiety and all the
other kind of feelings they've had going on why the fear of abandonment builds because you see
as they can no longer handle the the attempts at trying to regulate all of what's going on
inside of them that they don't understand then they will start to fear abandonment
more because what they don't realize and you can't know because it's happening inside of them
is they're starting to pull away and this is a different kind of a pulling away and it can
happen quickly or it can happen solely inside the person with bpd and you don't know anything about
it and then all of a sudden they just they there comes this like n split super devaluation split
that is so defensive that it is a cut off and it's like you know they just can't handle it
anymore whatever that might be for each person with untreated bpd or not well enough due to
bpd or not you know they haven't gotten into much therapy it just is a breaking point in them where
they just think you're the one doing to you're the one causing how they feel which you're not
and then so they go on to the next person or meeting another person quickly soon after if
not monkey branching and they're not always monkey branching and then when they do that
everything feels so good with the new person like it felt so good with you before but again they're
in a repetition compulsion cycle so this is how and why people bpd leave relationships so quickly
and and it's so quickly for you but it could have been building inside of them for months or longer
and the other thing is that it is an out of sight out of mind thing often
now this is while they're with the new person but you see then what accounts for hoover's
and why do they want to come back to you and what's all that about well i'll talk about that
more in podcast or video videos or whatever but the thing is when they're with the new person
you're out of sight out of mind because you're totally painted black so it's like imagine
the scene of everything you shared for them just fades to black and now they're totally
in the next quote relationship situationship and everything's going to be better over here
and then you know it feels good and and they're in the beginning of the whole thing again
but what you need to clearly understand because this really hurts i mean all of the you know this
reality hurts people so terribly what you need to understand about this is they're going to have
the same rupture they're going to get to the same they're going to go through the splitting the you
know after the honeymoon phase they're going to go to the devaluation maybe microsplits and then
they're going to do more major devaluation splits the same thing is going to happen the next person
that happened with you and i mean to you not because of you not because of the next person
and then they're going to get into this zone again uh where they're going to entirely get an
end evaluation point split with the new person now when that happens sometimes they're going to
hoover back toward you or they might go forward to the next person but what does that say about
how there's nothing reliable or congruent or consistent in relating to somebody with bpd
that when they start to hoover you why are you still there to entertain even the thought of that
so borderlines leave quickly borderlines ghosts borderlines discard get gone
but it might not be as quick for them as it is for you or it could be it might be monkey branching it
might not be so i'm going to be talking more about this but this is people with bpd
and these relationships and get gone so quickly because of what's going on internally the magical
thinking that what they feel is actually real and they're projecting not only are they externalizing
out this all their feelings and the repetition compulsions of reenactment of adverse childhood
experience on to you which you have nothing to do with and you didn't cause any of this to happen
they're doing that at the same time that because of the way they feel and because
they're getting close to needing to do that final and split devaluation
they start to fear abandonment from you even more but they're the ones who are about to go
but people of bpd are not emotionally mature or intelligent at all emotionally
so they do not understand what all is going on inside of them in these whipped up feeling states
and they always ascribe them to the closest person or the partner who's about to get ghosted
so i hope this will help a little bit in trying to explain at least a beginning
way for me to to do this on this topic of how the borderline why they just leave so quickly
and what it's kind of a little bit like for a lot of people with bpd especially untreated
and a little bit of a window into the inside of it but what you need to take away from this hopefully
what i hope you can take away from this is as much as you're hurting right now depending where
you're at when this happened or if it's just happened to you that you've just been ghosted
and you're trying to survive the bpd relationship break up but you might be in the middle and
you're not sure if you're going to hear from them again and all of that difficult stuff on top of
everything what you clearly need to know is you didn't do anything to cause this these are the
repetition compulsion cycles of reenacting adverse childhood experience in internally inside people
with bpd due to adverse childhood experience it has nothing to do with you except of course that
it breaks your heart and that you don't understand it and then it puts you in a world of hurt