Hi everyone.
This is Jack and Clayton.
And in this video is the number one proven way to get over heartbreak.
Now I've been through heartbreak, you've been through heartbreak, I'm sure you watching,
this may have had your own heartbreak…
I’m going through it right now.
Right.
So this is a really difficult time of life, right.
This is you know a relationship that hasn't worked out, maybe it's a relationship that
you wanted to work out, maybe it's a relationship that if you're honest right now you aren't
over and that you think about maybe getting it back, so we're here to talk to you about
how do you actually stay with and process your heartbreak in order that you are then
ready to have your next relationship, or to really go for what you want in relationship
rather than being held back or being kind of stuck in the past.
So do you want to talk to the essence of what we're suggesting here?
Yes.
Absolutely.
And I'll talk a little bit about what I notice happen as like a almost like a knee-jerk reaction
and a breakup with myself and with clients that I've worked with through this tender
time.
What I typically see and what I've done in the past, is go through the heartbreak and
it feels like this total fall from grace right.
Where it works like, “wow this this should not be happening, right.
Like what did I do to deserve this?
Oh my god, I know what I did to deserve this.
They're totally right in leaving me.
Is there any way we can fix this?”
And it's just this like scrambling to try to get back to feeling normal.
And it's this total and complete resistance to the experience of what's happening.
It's like fighting it tooth and nail like “this can't be I've got to be able to do
something,” and then feelings of hopelessness and helplessness come in.
And it's this – this I this experience of really just not wanting to be where you're
at, maybe feeling like you're completely on fire, or like you're losing your mind going
crazy.
I mean I've worked with clients I've had panic attacks.
I've had my share of freak outs as well after a breakup and all of that is typically a product
of not having a container to process the breakthrough of emotions that you're experiencing.
And it's the container that may be there, by accident, is this container of “it shouldn't
be like this.
I should not be feeling this much pain.
Nobody should be going through this.
It needs to stop.
I need to get through it as quickly as possible.
I need to go distract myself with other things, or it's not safe for me to experience the
emotions that I'm experiencing because I might get stuck there.”
I like what you're thinking.
Yes.
And so I think what we're suggesting here is because this is kind of an organic conversation
that's evolving as we talk about it is that we were suggesting that injects as this right
in the introduction is that we're suggesting that rather than run from this, rather than
imagining yourself on fire and just trying to put yourself out with water, what if we
actually sit in the experience and we allow it to burn off all of the illusion and fear
of being single that were maybe currently facing; the fear of starting over again, right.
And we actually sit there, and we not necessarily weather it, but we allow it the experience
like carve us out in a way.
The invitation is to fully be with the emotion, right.
So to not have to change it, distort it, manipulate it, interfere with it.
It's actually you know the way that we'd encourage you to be with any emotion in an authentic
way is to is to allow the emotional experience without trying to create too much narrative
or story around it, right.
So not only do we not want to go to the “why did this happen, why me?”
That story also don't want to create a story like, “oh I'm always gonna be stuck in this,”
or “I won't have another partner.”
Or it's actually just to really be with like, “wow I feel really devastated right now.”
You know, “I feel really tender.
I feel really sad and touching.”
Allow that to start to move through.
It's basically like the way you know if a heartbreak is a mountain, it's like the way
to actually get to the other side of mountain you have to go through the mountain, right.
You have to actually go through the experiences and that might take hours, days, weeks, and
months you know.
And that's not to say that that will all be easy, but your ability to stay with yourself
and not abandon yourself in that experience actually gives you great fortitude and courage
for everything that you undertake in your life.
Because you basically, “Wow when the really difficult emotions like heartbreak come up,
I actually can be with that.”
And I’m not like I'm stoic and I'm not feeling it, I'm actually feeling it and I can still
be with it.
Now you might need to get some support, right.
You might want to get some support from a coach.
You might want to get some support from some good friends around you.
All that's encouraged but there's no substitute for actually really feeling and presencing
and being with what is coming up.
It's like if you actually need to grieve some loss, you actually need to grieve some loss.
You can't just push that aside and get on with your life.
Why?
Because it will it will mean two things: one, that is still there to be dealt with at some
point likely, and two, you won't be fully ready for your next relationship, right.
You'll still be carrying this kind of closure or wound from the old relationships.
You'll be projecting the old relationship on to the new relationship and that's common.
We've all done that you know I have my own experience of this.
I actually remember ironically sitting with a friend, when I lived in California, and
saying that you know everyone talks about this heartbreak like I want to experience
this heartbreak, like I don't think I've been heartbroken.
And then I remember not that long I think was later that year, I was up on the Marin
Headlands, you've been up there, this is a fantastic view.
You've got the Golden Gate Bridge.
You’re overlooking San Francisco.
You're there with the Atlantic Ocean going over to Asia and I just cried and I sat down
and all the things, like for more than one relationship that I hadn't fully felt, they
all just kind of came bursting through and I needed that.
So I would really encourage you to put aside this time, kind of create a space create a
container or a ritual where your intention is actually to fully grieved.
Is to fully let go of what the relationship was and to feel everything that you need to
feel because on the other side of that, you can now kind of rebuild a foundation.
And to that point to what Jack's saying is on the other side of that - on the other side
of the tragedy and the sadness, and the panic, and the feelings, the intensity, the experience,
I believe what it does is it expands you also in the equal and opposite reaction.
So the more sadness and the more devastation that you can sit with and be with, the more
capacity you will have for self-love, enjoy and peace on the other side.
And I've personally experienced this myself going through breakups, where the several
months after the relationship ended, going through these cycles this like onion that
just kept peeling and peeling where I feel like, “okay I'm over it I'm over it.
I've got my head above water” and then all of a sudden boom I get knocked back down again.
And I'm just thinking like “god when is this gonna end?”
And this got me washed with these waves of sadness and feeling the total loss and the
feeling that I just have to surrender the experience and then coupled with actually
feeling that in trusting that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in the process.
And suddenly opened me up to experiencing levels of gratitude and in depth and connection
with myself, in connection with my friends, and in ways that I had never experienced while
I was in the relationship.
And it was such a beautiful thing and I think that when we reject the experience, when we
reject it, and we make it wrong, and we don't want to go through the transformation that
a breakup ushers you to - that's when we stay stuck in it.
That's when we stay stuck just half processing it.
And then all of a sudden like Jack saying finding a partner that is perhaps a little
bit emotionally unavailable or closed off like we are.
And now we've both got our wounds and another a new relationship because we don't want to
look at the void of the breakup, right.
The impermanence of what life is, of that people in our lives will die, relationships
will end and now it's a chance to actually face that and sit with it which is the reality
of life.
And I think true happiness can come from that.
Wow.
It sounds like you're talking about a kind of fulfillment that happens from really being
willing to feel things, really being willing to the sort of the peacefulness that can come
from a fully experiencing something, fully staying with it rather, than this subtle stance
of avoidance or rejection that actually keeps it kind of dominating.
But in the background, I mean it's almost like…
You talk about completing a motion, right.
Yes.
That’s the the same way that kind of clouds go across the sky.
It's like emotion doesn't want to you know and the emotion is in motion right.
It's like it actually wants to kind of go somewhere and so generally if we fully presence
and contact an emotion it will pass you know.
It may take a while but it's not static.
There is a kind of dynamism that we – but we kind of fear that it's not like that right.
We fear will be sort of like this never-ending it so that we'll get it trapped in it.
Yes.
Right that awareness through.
Yes.
Beautiful.
So what do you think are a couple maybe tactical tips for somebody who's in the middle of this
experience.
Is there like an exercise that somebody could do that would help in the releasing and processing?
Is there like a ritual that you would recommend?
Yes.
So in the ritual side I would recommend getting out in nature.
There's a few things I've experienced you know one is where you maybe write down some
of the things that you want to kind of let go, that may be about the other person or
about the relationship and you write them down in pieces of paper and then you maybe
burn them right or you create some kind of fire.
I also remember did this when I was on a program in Greece you know we wrote on stones what
we wanted to let go, and we chuck them into the sea.
Beautiful.
And some people found that very powerful.
So some metaphor for letting go you know with my ex-partner, we did a thing where we pulled
out some grass that had different kind of stems and flowers on it and we just kind of
ripped them off periodically.
And we're like just letting them go as a kind of metaphor for letting the relation go.
So something like that where the intention is around letting go.
I think the other thing is you know I'm a big fan of people having their journals.
You know and really just writing it out.
You know you can write it out, you can do what we call audio journaling where we take
you know an app on your phone, and you can voice record it or something like that.
You just record into it, or you take some pages in your journal and you really just
present what are you actually feeling and you try to have a stance of compassion and
non judgement to your own experience.
So that what you are actually experiencing is what you can write about.
And you know again you could leave that there to go back to or some people they get it out
and they find a cathartic to rip it up until you throw it out or burn it.
So I'm pragmatic you know whatever works.
I think almost more than the specifics of the ritual is the actual intention that this
ritual is about it's me letting something go and fully breathing.
So what brings to mind is the tool that I've used in the past during a breakup, where typically
at night or in the morning that's when I would feel the most emotional.
The most emotional yet the most devastated sometimes panicky, depressed and rather than
running from that and say getting on Tinder and trying to find fast food validation that
way or getting on Netflix and distracting myself or going out drinking, I made a commitment
that the minute I would start feeling these emotions I would actually sit down in a chair
around a yoga block and I would be with those emotions for 15 minutes.
Or, use an app called Insight Timer and just have a 15-minute block where I would just
sit and be with whatever I was experiencing and breathe through it and convince and give
a demonstration to my body, to my unconscious mind, that can survive whatever emotional
experiences I'm going with it.
Because typically we start panicking because part of us feels that if we were to experience
the emotion that's nipping at our heels, we wouldn't be able to experience it.
So the more they can face that, dragging down, being alone, those fears of maybe ”Am I
going to be single forever?
I'm never going to find like that again.
We'll never be able to make a relationship work.”
All that those accusations that come up the morning, you can actually be with the fear
around that the more those accusations begin to silence themselves.
That's what I found in my experience.
So we opened that this is helping you with your breakup or maybe addressing made a heartbreak
that you haven't fully processed, if you're a woman and you're watching this there's something
else that we've got that can support you which is a free webinar that we're running called
Three Keys To Being Relationship Ready.
And the third key is around Reclaiming Vulnerability because one of the challenges, if you don't
process your heartbreak, is that it's really hard to open and be fully vulnerable in your
next relationship.
And if you can't be open and fully vulnerable, you never, honestly bluntly, likely to be
in the relationship that you’re capable of.
So this is compelling and potent content, that amazing feedback from the webinars actually
brought up a lot for women in a good way.
And if you're interested to join us, you can just click the link below this video and find
the time that works for you.
If you're gone through a breakup right now, there's an opening in your life, there's space
in your life, there's time in your life and we want to give you something that has deep
nutritional value that will help you heal and that will also give you a new way to look
at relationship so you can have more choice, and power, and moving forward.
So click on the link below and…
See you now.
Yes.
Take care.