If you've ever been in a relationship with a manipulator, you're unlikely to
ever forget it. For one thing, you're going to probably be put in a dangerous
position - sometimes something even illegal. You end up feeling trapped and
alone . Today on Reaction Reset, I'm going to give you ideas and ways you can
restore your confidence and start feeling like you have some control in
this situation.
In a way, we're all manipulated by daily ads. Things like someone trying to
convince you to buy something or that you need something, but when it happens
in a personal relationship it becomes very dangerous. Someone else is
manipulating you to have control over what you think and what you do.
They may become abusive or they may resort to tactics such as making you feel
belittled, isolated, and overall making you feel like you cannot trust yourself,
your gut feelings, or anyone else around you. Most manipulators share common
characteristics. They find your weakness and use it against you. They know how to
seduce you to make you give up something you really like in order to benefit
their needs. These things can include your values, money, people you prize most,
and things that you personally want to do to take care of yourself. They are repeat
offenders. Once they start using you, they don't stop until you put an end to
it. It's important that you remember all manipulators are mentally ill; in other
words, you can't fix them. You can't love them through it. You can't have them join
a group. Nothing you do is going to repair what they have.
Breaking the cycle means you take a stance you put yourself out there.
You confront them and then you control what you're going to do. In essence, it's you
taking care of you and getting back into who you are and advocating for yourself.
I'm going to give you five ways you can do that. My most obvious tip is the one you
would think of - stay away from them. Or if you encounter them through a friend or
maybe a work colleague, listen to what your gut is saying.
When you go away from them, how do you feel? Do you feel exploited? Do you feel used?
Do you feel like they're taking advantage of you in any way? If they do, run away.
You're not going to want to start a relationship with someone like this.
Secondly, stay above the influence. What I mean by that is don't put yourself in
the position to be manipulated. Hold on to who you are. Nobody has a right to
treat you like that. No matter what they say - it's not your fault that their life
isn't going the way they want it, even though they will try to tell you that.
They don't have a right to demand that you make them happy or that you make
life easier for them - that's their job. Get comfortable with saying no.
Manipulators like passive people, and they like people who won't stand up for
themselves. Don't let their behaviors infringe on what you value most.
Keep those core values tight to yourself. Fourthly, set strong boundaries, and if
they don't respect them, follow through with the consequences you would do for
someone who betrayed or perpetrated your boundaries. In other words, if you have a
boundary that you like to be to bed by 11 o'clock at night, and they continually
call at 11:30 and want to come over - no matter what the sob story is, your rule
is the same. You know you need your sleep, and it's not your fault
they had a bad night. Finally, keep a journal about what's going on.
When you're being manipulated, it's very common to feel crazy. You're being
brainwashed. You may even feel like you are losing your mind. When you write this down
in a journal not only is it a way for you to catharse what is happening, it's a
way for you to reread it and see how absolutely crazy it has gotten. Plus, it
will stand up in a court of law if your manipulator later tries to do something
litigious, or to hurt you in some other way.
Manipulators can be charming and catch you off-guard, but remember they are
bullies underneath. Bullies don't respect feelings. Having a therapist you can work
with, who will help advocate for you and guide you through this is going to
restore your self-respect and self-esteem and help you build stronger
better boundaries.
Remember, change your reaction, change your world.