- [Child] Baby Alive.
♪ Baby Alive ♪
- [Narrator] Baby Alive.
- [Child] I can mix yummy food.
♪ She can drink ♪
I make sure your tummy's full.
♪ She can ♪
- Poops. - Change her diaper.
- [Child] I change her.
- [Girl] Poops. Poops.
(girl laughs)
- [Narrator] Baby Alive, the doll that eats and-
- [Girl] Poops (laughs).
- [Narrator] Baby Alive.
(girl laughs)
- In 1973, a group of grown ass adults
for a company called Kenner,
all gathered into a meeting room,
where they proceed to brainstorm the best,
absolute chaotic destruction device
they can think of
in their current state of mind,
which one grown ass adult
then rose up in an alcoholic (woman screaming),
shroom-covered, terror fright,
and screamed at the top of their lungs,
"Hey, you know what
will be fun?" - Fun, fun!
- "If we give these children robot children
that need to be fed
and also shit themselves."
(liquid squelching) (man laughs)
(upbeat music) Baby Alive!
Hey, girls!
Getting a doll that shits itself.
Shits itself? Why?
It is currently 3:00 AM. Why?
I was too busy watching to "Degrassi,"
like the 25-year-old man I am,
and then decided to get off of my 25-year-old ass
and sit here and film a video
talking about a doll that shits itself.
Welcome to my channel (laughs).
As you see, the doll that's currently in front of me
was halfway open,
and then I saw its eye
and completely aborted the entire mission, okay?
I don't think I should be saying the word
abort around children.
Is that not allowed?
Honestly, probably not in this political climate.
So I'm sorry, so I decided
I'm gonna do this entire presentation
like a boring museum presenter
that hates his entire life,
'cause I currently hate what I'm about to do today.
I don't actually. I'm actually really excited.
Okay? I'm really excited to see a baby shit itself.
A robot baby, okay?
It's okay. It's a robot baby.
I remember my youngest aunt had it,
who's only like two years older than me, okay?
My grandpa got busy.
But I remember seeing it
and being like, "Why?
Who? A robot human."
Like, why would you give a child a robot child
that's shitting itself?
I don't wanna deal with shit.
I don't understand why the girls are into the gig.
I don't get it, girl. I don't get it.
I wanna get and I wanna understand,
so that's why we are here today.
As I was searching for the original,
which I could not find,
does not exist anymore.
I'm also very bad at finding this shit, okay?
I'm not a collector.
But at this point,
I might as well fucking be, you know, bitch?
I can probably start a museum.
But as I was searching for the original,
I found out that this toy,
that existed once in my blink of a memory,
was not only super successful,
but then led to multiple spinoffs, you know?
Because we just wanted more shit.
(Machaizelli laughs)
You know? If one shit works, you add more shit.
Now there's more kids in the world dealing with shit.
You know? It's great.
You know, it's immoral.
So here we have some absolute chaos.
Let's move you guys out of the way.
We got variety, bitch.
They have like baby pixies or something.
I believe I got that.
And then there's like one sitting in a tub.
I don't fucking know. It's gonna get weird.
I'm gonna try to make it not pedophilic at all.
Matter of fact, it's gonna be the complete opposite.
I'm just going to be absolutely terrified,
because I am terrified of children.
My niece does not like me.
(Machaizelli laughs)
(Machaizelli harmonizing)
Oh, no.
Oh, no, you conservatives.
Look away, girl.
Look away, my little conservatiddies,
'cause I'm about to show something, girl.
Y'all ready?
You ready for this progressiveness?
Girl, look at it. Girl.
(Machaizelli harmonizing)
♪ A little boy ♪
♪ Holding the baby ♪
♪ Whenever, wherever ♪
♪ We're meant to be together ♪
You let them know.
You let the girlies know,
let the gingers hold the babies.
That's probably not the message.
I don't know, girl. I'm lost.
Oh, he's on the top two, girl.
They said, "Bitch you gonna see this."
Y'all wanna sling guns around?
Y'all gonna see boys with dolls, okay?
Shut the fuck up.
That's called freedom (laughs).
"Ready for more?
Open wide for her spoon and moves."
Wow.
You know, what we all want.
Oh, look it, it says,
"50-plus sounds and phrases.
Press tummy."
Whoa.
We gotta press its stomach?
Is this appropriate
to put on YouTube (laughs)?
Does she have a name?
They didn't give her a name.
Do I get to name her?
I'm not naming her.
(Machaizelli laughs)
- Hungry, hungry.
Ah, ah, ah.
(toy moans)
Thank you.
- Girl, did you just eat the air?
Oh my God, is she a breathetarian?
Bitch, I heard about that, girl.
That's why you so skinny? Bitch.
Wait, no, I probably shouldn't be calling a baby a bitch.
I'm so sorry. It's endearing.
- Hungry, hungry.
Ah, ah, ah.
(toy moans)
Thank you.
- Girl, they said, "50-plus phrases."
- Hungry, hungry.
Ah, ah, ah.
(toy moans)
Thank you.
- Okay, so they want me to open the box.
(Machaizelli laughs)
- Lit.
(comical music)
Girl, look at her.
She's geeked up.
Look at that girl, she's geeked up.
(Machaizelli screaming)
She came with swag.
I didn't even notice.
They gave me a little cat bowl with a spoon,
a bottle, diapers,
and a little comb too
to brush her hair and shit.
Girl, she geeked. She geeked.
She don't need me, girl.
Here you go. Take care of yourself.
There's also a dial on the back of her.
I'm not picking her up.
I don't wanna touch her anymore.
I also put a diaper on her,
because I didn't know if I can show that on screen, girl.
She has nothing down there.
She just has like a hole,
where I'm guessing the poop comes out.
(Machaizelli chuckles)
So I just put it there.
I also didn't wanna put me
changing a diaper on YouTube,
because I know that might be considered some type
of fetish situation.
I don't wanna get...
I'm afraid of being like restricted, okay?
I'm just trying to do this clean.
I'm just going to call it an it,
because it's a toy, okay?
Fuck you. Give me a Furby.
I can review a Furby all day,
but a robot child...
Girl, I need a second, okay?
So there's a dial back here,
that's a circle, a star,
a male sign, and a female sign.
So not many options out there, okay?
So I'm going to switch it to the male sign.
Or do I wanna be called mommy?
I wanna be called mommy.
Why do I wanna be called mommy?
Why am I kind of into being called mommy?
Okay. Nevermind, let's just go.
Okay, here we go. - Dada.
- Ooh.
Yeah, it's me.
Say something. Say it again.
Do I touch your stomach? - Hungry, hungry.
- Oh, you're hungry. Girl.
Girl, I don't know what to do.
Girl, I don't know what you need.
Girl, how do I feed you?
- Baby love to eat.
- Okay, bitch, give me a second.
Damn. I mean, sorry.
Sorry, it's endearing. It's endearing.
Okay, I didn't even do the instructions
before I turned it on.
I don't know what- - Where's my food?
- Girl, calm down.
Okay, you- - Okay, play later.
- Oh, she gave up on me.
Did you hear her?
"Play later," bitch.
She said, "Okay, I'll starve.
(Machaizelli laughs)
Sorry, daddy, for bothering you.
I'll just go over here and starve.
You know, I'll just die."
That was two seconds.
I didn't even get to say anything.
That was less than a minute.
She went from, "I'm hungry, please feed me.
Okay, bye," in a minute, girl.
Honestly, that is a child's attention span,
so I'm expecting the defecation
to happen like in two seconds,
now that it decided to go to bed.
Does it put water in the shit?
"Prepare doll food.
Fill bowl to fill line with water.
Open a packet of Baby Alive doll food
and pour into bowl.
Use spoon to mix doll food and water together.
Doll food will thicken as it's stirred."
(Machaizelli speaking foreign language)
Why is there a bottle?
Does she not need the bottle?
Is the bottle just like a trick?
Oh, the bottle doesn't even have a hole in it.
Oh, it does.
Girl, girl, girl, can I drink it?
Can I sip? - I wanna drink it.
I'm gonna drink it.
I just feel-
- Bitch, it's slow, but that's good.
I can put a little shot in this bitch,
and I'll be good, we partying.
Why smash peas and carrots for babies?
Why can't we give 'em like smashed rutabaga, girl.
Let's up the worth, okay?
Okay, I did it.
So what's the science behind this?
What happens?
Like, how does it turn into shit?
So, okay, wake up.
Wake up. I got food, girl.
I got food. Android 45, your food is ready.
Android 45, you got to eat to create shit,
so I can see it.
Do I gotta touch you?
I don't wanna touch you. - Baby up now.
- Yes. Hello, are you hungry?
- Hello. - Mm, baby very hungry.
- Okay, great, thank you. Here we go.
Ready for it? Open up.
Boop, boop, boop. - Ah, ah.
- Oh, hello?
(toy moans)
- Yummy, yummy in my tummy.
Ah, ah. - You want more?
Okay, damn, you're not even finished, girl.
Girl, eat it.
Girl, you're drippin'.
- Mm, mm, mm. Yummy.
- I hate this.
Girl, girl, girl.
Three bites? Okay.
Okay, we gotta put you on a diet.
I'm sorry. She is drippin'.
It's all up in that bib.
(toy humming)
- Ah, ah.
- Girl, okay. The whole bowl?
Is this what's happening?
You don't even eat it.
(toy humming)
What is she doing?
Is this how babies act? I'm sorry.
I need to be around my niece more.
(Machaizelli laughs)
- Mm, mm, mm, yummy, yummy in my tummy.
- Are you done? - Ah, ah, ah.
- I can't have kids. - Yummy.
- Girl, you're rocking forward?
- Ah. - Jesus.
Am I doing this right?
Okay. Let me look at instructions.
- Ooh, excuse me (chuckles).
Ah, ah. - Bitch!
This baby can say full ass sentences.
That's weird. - Ah, ah.
- Oh my God, is it the whole bowl?
Oh, shit, it says I'm supposed to give it water.
I'm sorry, girl. Girl, girl.
(toy slurps)
- Mm, mm, mm.
- Is that what you needed? Is that it?
Please be done. - Mm, yummy pees.
- Girl, that's banana. - Ah, ah.
- Is this all this toy is?
I fucking hate this. - Yummy, yummy
in my tummy.
- Yeah, ooh. - Ah, ah.
- Oh my God. - Ah, ah.
- I'm about to end this video.
I'm done. I'm over you.
I'm literally just going to pour it into its mouth.
Okay? I'm sorry.
We're rushing this. I'm tired.
Yummy. - Mm!
Baby's favorite.
- Okay, great. Are you done?
- Ah, ah.
- Give me a second.
Ooh, give me a second.
♪ I'm a baby ♪
♪ Eating food is yummy ♪
(toy giggling)
- If I stop feeding you, will you shit yourself?
I hate that I'm asking this question,
but I'm literally serious.
- All done. Thanks, dada.
- Okay, damn. Thank you.
You're done. You're done.
You're full. - Ah, ah.
- No, no.
(electronic beeping)
Girl, you're leaking!
(Machaizelli gasps)
She's leaking (laughs)!
Girl, she's a mess.
Girl, you about to drip all over my table, girl!
Ooh, she a mess!
She's dead-ass leaking!
- Baby, very hungry.
- You are not hungry anymore, girl.
Okay, well, let me take off your diaper.
Let me see if you did something.
Oh, no. It's yellow.
So it just goes straight through you.
So there's no illusion?
Is that a metaphor?
Now my table's messy.
And now I've got like three more to show you.
Jesus Christ.
Oh my God! - Lit.
- While opening these other Children of the Corn,
I then realized that none of them are electronic,
so this is just a waste of my time.
And I was right, girl.
I told you there was pixies. - Meow, meow, meow, meow.
- Fuckin' pixies, girl.
Do they poop? Not gonna open those.
Gonna give 'em to my niece when she's old enough, okay?
But, girl, we got a black baby!
Black baby. Black.
(funky music) (Machaizelli beatboxes)
Black, and she was in a box,
so her hair is flat as fuck.
Ooh, a black baby with a terrible black parent.
Oh, no (raspberries).
She came with a little bit of a upgrade, girl,
because she came with a blender.
The hoes ain't playing with this one.
You first pour the little saucy packet in there.
Doll drink, blueberries or grape juice.
They gave the black baby
grape juice.
(intense drum music) (Machaizelli hissing)
Is that a problem?
Or am I thinking too deep?
And you fill this up
till the fill line with water into the blender,
and then you (toy clacking)...
And then it's grape juice.
And we're feeding our black baby grape juice,
which she will poop out (gasps).
Okay.
Oh, yeah, and this baby's also here,
and it's on all fours,
and it has no nipples.
That's how you know it's not a human.
So this isn't weird.
This is just very weird, okay?
♪ I am stronger ♪
♪ But you're not ♪
And there you have it, grape juice.
The food does not smell edible,
so I do not wanna taste it.
But you know what? Fuck it.
(intense drum music)
Girl, what is that,
and why does it taste like nothing?
I mean, it is a product
they're giving to kids, so I guess...
Okay, whatever. Okay, shut up.
I'm guessing it's like a colored thickener and then water,
so if a kid were to eat it,
they're just eating thickened water.
Let's just feed this baby.
I wanna see one proper poop before we go to sleep.
(Machaizelli chuckles)
You know what, if there was a video
to cause me to quit YouTube,
this might be it (raspberries).
"Ooh, feed me.
I listen to Solange."
Great, girl. That's culture.
♪ Saw things I imagined ♪
Okay, that was gross.
This is disgusting.
It's all over my fingers.
I hate it. Is she shitting now?
What's the situation here, girl?
Oh. - Poops.
Poops (girl laughing).
(Machaizelli sighs)
Someone take me home.
And there it is, purple shit.
Wow, why did I think in my head
that there was like some system
within the baby...
Ooh, girl, let me hide her.
Girl, I'm sorry.
You didn't even see that,
but I just won't even show it on camera, girl.
Not for my incrimination.
I thought in my head
there was like some type of concoction within the baby
that would like cause whatever you put it in
to like chemically react,
and turn it like a brownish green or something,
and then it will come out a different color,
and it'll be like, "Ooh, cool, science."
But no, you put stuff in it,
and it just comes right back out.
Is that how babies work?
Girl, I don't know. Girl, I don't know.
And then we got this one, the girl that cries.
Oh my God.
But it just comes with Play-Doh, girl.
And I guess you smash the Play-Doh into the bear,
then you feed it,
and then it just comes out of the back.
Let me see. Girl, let me see.
♪ I am stronger ♪
♪ Now you're not ♪
Wow.
And then you put it into its mouth.
Yum, yum, yum, and then...
It's right here, bitch.
(Machaizelli laughs)
- I'm 25.
- Lit. - Okay, I'm done.
I'm so over it. This came out a disaster.
I thought there was gonna be so much more to this baby.
You remember the time
when people used to like melt Barbie dolls on YouTube?
I'm not gonna do that now.
I'm not gonna do that now, girl.
I feel like that's gonna be demonetized.
This was a disaster.
What did we learn today?
Baby Alive, fuck you.
Get your child just a regular doll.
You don't need to get a doll that shits.
Do you think your child is that responsible, girl?
That's just something for you to clean up, okay?
Moral of the story, make your child watch YouTube
without commercials, okay?
Just put 'em on YouTube Kids.
Don't make 'em think they really want a baby
that shits itself, okay?
Don't buy your child a robot baby that shits itself.
Thank you @applemartini and appstitches
for retweeting my last flop of video.
Comment down below what other toys
from your 2000s and 90s should I review.
But I kind of wanna find that one toy
that like made candy,
but I believe they discontinued that toy.
So if I were to find it,
I will have to find it
being sold by a third-party vendor,
and I might give myself food poisoning,
But honestly, anything for the views at this point, girl.
Thank you guys so much for watching.
Don't forget to like, comment, share and subscribe, babe.
(Machaizelli screams)