- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
This is "Breaking News." (dramatic instrumental music)
- Hello, and welcome to "Breaking News,"
the show where we don't know what we're about to say
and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Peaky Blinders. (Tao chuckles)
- And I'm Peaky Buttholes.
(Tao chuckles) (Amy laughing)
- Let's get right into it.
Bacon, pig's meat, the stuff of breakfast.
- What about it?
- For the past 10 years (Amy laughing)
I've been shoving... (chuckles)
(Amy laughing) (orchestra hits resound)
Yeah, whoever's doing the prompter, stop at every paragraph.
(sighs) For the past 10 years
I've been shoving bacon products into my little pie hole
multiple times a day and pouring hot bacon juice
into my open wounds as a natural, organic bandage.
- Do you have a news story about bacon for us
or are you just wasting our time with a personal anecdote?
(Tao chuckles) (Amy laughing)
- No news story, I just wanted to say
that bacon is my personality
along with other trends from 10 years like... (sighs)
(Amy laughing) (Tao chuckling)
- You don't remember 2011.
- I don't think I've ever participated
in a trend in my life. (Tao laughing)
So trends that were going on in 2011.
- That's like what, two years after you graduate college.
- Oh, that's right, okay.
So what was going two years after I graduated college?
Oh, people were bartending.
People were taking improv classes.
- These are just the things that you were doing
in your personal life! (Tao laughing)
- I don't know what other people do!
- They asked you to list five.
You can't even list one. - Wow.
- Say "Fast and the Furious."
- Oh, Barack Obama was still in his first term as president
so that was a trend. - (laughs) Okay, great.
Tonight's first (laughs) real story, corgi butts.
Scientists have discovered a gene found in corgi DNA
directly responsible for making their fluffy stink sacks
(Amy laughing) (orchestra hits resound)
look so damn good. - Holy hell!
(Tao laughing) - Anyway,
scientists are testing out ways
to put that gene into humans
so our butts can look just as good.
- I love that. - Me too.
I'm actually one of the humans they tested it out on.
(Amy laughing and panting) (orchestra hits resound)
I have, I have a brand-new corgi butt. (laughs)
I'd show, oh, (laughs)
I'd show you how it wiggles, but I can't stand up right now.
I'm sitting on a slippery chair
and I've chained myself to it so I don't slip off.
(Amy laughing and sniffling)
Oh no, instead I'll just describe my new corgi butt.
Oh, it's hairy and fluffy.
It bounces, it wiggles and shakes.
It's white with brown spots.
It looks really when the POV
is me looking back over my corgi butt.
- Keep going. (Tao laughing)
- I, emotionally, (orchestra hits resound)
it's a joyful butt, but it's also, it's got some,
you know, sass to it.
It's sassy and happy and you can't see my butthole.
- Stop, stop that!
We have breaking weather news.
We turn now to meteorologist Billie Joe Armstrong
from Green Day. (orchestra hit resounds)
- Terrible news, terrible news all around.
I'm deeply saddened,
and I simply cannot continue with the weather today.
- Do you want me to deliver the weather on your behalf?
- No way!
You'll be bad at it, okay?
You got that little corgi butt.
It's keeping you from heat sensitivity.
You got fur all over your asshole,
and that's the extent of my roast, you're roasted!
- I think you were supposed to roast me, but that's okay!
(Tao laughing) Ouch!
- I want to actually apologize for that.
It was deeply unprofessional of me.
I'm just deeply upset today and I'm not on my A-game
because a hailstorm is going to ruin the afternoon,
and it's my favorite day of the year.
It's national call your dead grandma day.
I love national call your dead grandma day
because of all the traditional celebrations
that come with it.
Here are my top 10 celebrations
for national call your dead grandma day.
Number one, call to see if the number is still in service.
(Brennan sighs in exasperation)
(Lily laughing) (orchestra hits resound)
Number two, call her friends and family.
Did they try calling her?
If so, they didn't reach her 'cause she died last year.
(Brennan hissing air) (Amy laughing)
Three, check that email.
Is that email still in service?
That email is still in service.
Hotmail ain't ever shutting down that email.
Four, hey, do you still have her cellphone
in a bag of possessions that passed on to you?
If so, give it a ring-a-ling. (Tao chuckling)
Five, I got six more to go? - (laughs) Yeah.
- Are you sure you want this?
Everyone seems pretty sad, but it's okay
'cause my grandma actually died last year
and I'm having a good time. (Tao laughing)
Mm, five. (Amy laughing)
Hey, write her a letter to Heaven.
Six, visit her in Heaven when you're dead.
Seven, maybe she's in hell 'cause she's a bad grandma.
I had one of those.
I had a good one and a bad one.
Eight, ooh, hey, give your grandpa a ring-a-ling, too.
He's dead also, that's the next holiday.
Nine, um, hey, call your parents.
They're still alive, they miss her, too.
10, eat a big taco.
- Thanks, Billie Joe.
Hey, in that one song you do, it's more like,
wake me up when COVID ends, am I right?
(Brennan laughs) (Lily laughs)
We turn now to fashion news
with Brookstone Skymall, Brookstone?
- Thank you, I'm definitely the fashion correspondent
and not just some dude who ran over
the real fashion correspondent with my car
and started living my life as him.
Great, great, great, so well now that we have that
out of the way, there's not much going on
in the fashion world today.
People like wearing the color blue.
- Hmmm, you don't look like Brookstone Skymall,
our coworker of seven years.
- I definitely am.
I'm for real Brookstone Skymall
or whatever you said his name was
and this is my regular job and I'm really good at it.
I'm not pretending. - Prove it.
What are 10 things that only
our beloved coworker would know?
- Uh, well, uh, we made out at the holiday party.
We once brought the same color Tupperware, green,
to the lunch break room.
I like to only take little poops on third
and fifth floor 'cause they're under construction
and it's far away from other coworkers.
Let's see, I go onto the roof and scream
at four o'clock every day, which you've all heard.
I am the guy who eats fish
in the lunch break room and microwaves it.
I was the one who put liquor into the punch bowl
at the Christmas party.
I'm also the one who likes to Slack
borderline inappropriate gifts in the Slack channel.
One of my ex-girlfriends came to the office one day
and keyed my car in front of everyone.
And what else, what else, what else?
- You have eight left to go. (Brennan laughing)
- I have eight more to go. (orchestra hits resound)
Let's see, I keep asking everyone
to come to my kickball games and no one shows up.
Brookstone is actually short for Blarney Stone
'cause I'm Irish, and that's the last one.
(Brennan laughing) - Okay.
Well, that all checks out.
What were you saying about fashion? (laughs)
- Oh yeah, I just said there's not much going on
in the fashion world today.
People like wearing the color blue.
- See, see, I told you!
Blue is back, baby!
And you said it wasn't.
You owe me $200.
- Damn it, that's my last $200, too!
I'm so pissed.
Anyway, Brookstone Skymall, refresh my memory,
what did you win a Pulitzer Prize for last year?
- I won my Pulitzer surprise for a biography about-
- No, no, no. - Ssh.
- Not Pulitzer surprise. (Lily laughing)
- (chuckles) Well, I won my Pulitzer in surprise.
I really didn't think I was gonna win it that year.
- Yeah, let's take a little detour.
What about your Pulitzer surprise?
I would like to know a lot more
about what that even is or what it means to win it.
- (laughs) Well, a Pulitzer surprise is when someone
wins a Pulitzer and you tell them that they won
by pantsing them and then pretending
as if they took a shit right then and there
and gaslight them until they believe it to be true.
(Amy laughing) - Wow, harrowing.
That sounds awful. - Thank you.
And I won it for, wow, I was gonna say a book
but I see this next one is about an article.
So I wrote about an article about Bill Gates
and how endowed he is.
- That article changed my life.
- That's all the time we have for today.
Before we go, today's loser was Amy Vorpahl!
Oh, who could have anticipated? (laughs)
(Amy chuckling) (Tao chuckling)
Amy, how's it feel?
- It feels good. (Brennan laughing)
- Wow. - What I would pay
for a day in her mind. - Incredible.
(Amy laughing)