♪♪♪ >> Announcer: IT'S
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
>> HI! >> HELLO, EVERYBODY.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M COLIN JOST.
>> I'M MICHAEL CHE. MAKING JOKES ABOUT THE NEWS CAN
GET A LITTLE REDUNDANT. BUT EVERY SO OFTEN YOU SEE
PICTURE OF A GOVERNOR IN BLACKFACE AND YOU'RE LIKE, "THIS
WILL BE FUN." FIRST, THE GOVERNOR OF VIRGINIA
ADMITTED TO WEARING BLACKFACE IN COLLEGE FOR A MICHAEL JACKSON
COSTUME -- BY THE WAY, MAKING THAT THE
LEAST ACCURATE MICHAEL JACKSON COSTUME OF ALL TIME.
SOUNDS CRAZY ENOUGH, BUT THEN THE ATTORNEY GENERAL WAS LIKE,
"YOU TOO? BLACKFACE IS MY JAM!"
AND THEN LIAM NEESON WAS LIKE, "BLACKFACE?
HOLD MY BEER. I DIDN'T WANT TO BRING THIS UP
EVER, BUT FOR A WEEK I WAS TRYING TO KILL A BLACK DUDE WITH
A BASEBALL BAT. ANYWHO, MY MOVIE COMES OUT
FRIDAY." THEN OUT OF NOWHERE, 21 SAVAGE
WAS LIKE, "Y'ALL KNOW I'M BRITISH, RIGHT?"
WHICH I HAVE THIS WHOLE AWESOME THEORY ABOUT HOW MAYBE ADELE IS
FROM ATLANTA AND THEY FREAKY FRIDAY'D.
>>> VIRGINIA GOVERNOR RALPH NORTHAM IS REFUSING TO
RESIGN AFTER A RACIST PHOTO FROM HIS MEDICAL SCHOOL YEARBOOK
SURFACE. OKAY, BUT IF IT WAS IN A
YEARBOOK, I MEAN, HOW BAD COULD IT BE?
OKAY. OKAY.
SO PRETTY BAD. I DIDN'T KNOW THE YEAR WAS 1870.
AND BY THE WAY, THIS WAS A MEDICAL SCHOOL YEARBOOK.
THESE TWO MEN ARE DOCTORS. AND NORTHAM SAYS NOW THAT
NEITHER OF THESE GUYS ARE HIM. WHICH, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
CRAZIER IT IS TO HAVE THAT PHOTO ON YOUR YEARBOOK PAGE AND YOU
AREN'T IN IT? YOU JUST PUT IT ON YOUR YEARBOOK
PAGE LIKE IT'S PART OF YOUR VISION BOARD.
LIKE, WHAT WAS YOUR INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE?
"DRESS LIKE NO ONE'S WATCHING." DEMOCRATS ARE CALLING FOR
SECOND IN LINE IS NOW EMBROILED IN TWO SEXUAL ASSAULT SCANDALS.
AND THE THIRD IN LINE ALSO DID BLACKFACE.
SO MAYBE VIRGINIA SHOULD JUST TAKE A QUEUE FROM THE OSCARS AND
JUST GO WITHOUT A GOVERNOR THIS YEAR.
OR MAYBE THEY COULD COME AROUND FULL CIRCLE AND MAKE IT GOVERNOR
KEVIN HART. >>> OKAY, GUCCI, BUT WHAT WAS
Y'ALL TRYING TO DO? I'M WAY MORE INTERESTED IN THE
RACIST JOURNEY THAN THE RACIST APOLOGY.
I MEAN, WAS IT LIKE A MISUNDERSTANDING?
BUT ONE TIME I WAS DOWN STAIRS AND THIS WHITE LADY TELLS HER
>> WHAT IF BLACK PEOPLE WERE MAKING MAGA HATS?
>>> AMAZON CEO JEFF BEZOS CLAIMS HE WAS BLACKMAILED BY THE
PUBLISHER OF THE "NATIONAL ENQUIRER", WHICH HE
SAID THREATENED TO PUBLISH SEMI-NUDE SELFIES OF HIM.
IF YOU'RE CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT BEZOS' PENIS LOOKS LIKE, HERE'S
AN EXCLUSIVE PREVIEW. I WEAR TO GOD, WHEN I CLICKED ON
THIS STORY AND THE PAGE WAS LOADING, I THOUGHT THE TOP OF
HIS HEAD WAS HIS PENIS. HOW FAR I HAD TO SCROLL.
I'M SURPRISED THIS IS NOT ON GOVERNOR NORLTH AM'S YEAR BOOK
PAGE. >>> DURING THE STATE OF THE
UNION ADDRESS, PRESIDENT TRUMP URGED POLITICAL UNITY.
WHICH IS KIND OF LIKE CAPTAIN MORGAN URGING SOBRIETY.
HE ALSO CLAIMED THAT IF HE HADN'T BEEN ELECTED, THE U.S.
WOULD HAVE GONE TO WAR WITH NORTH KOREA.
FIRST OF ALL, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.
AND SECOND, ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TAKE THAT.
FINE. WELL JUST ANYTHING BUT YOU.
>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP BEGAN HIS SPEECH WITH HIS TIE CROOKED IN
HIS JACKET. WHILE MIKE PENCE'S TIE WAS SO
STRAIGHT, IT MADE ME SUSPICIOUS. >> DEMOCRATS HAVE BEGUN THE
PROCESS OF OBTAINING PRESIDENT TRUMP'S TAX RETURNS.
YOU KNOW THEY ARE BAD. IF THESE ARE THE LAWYERS AND
THIS IS HIS DOCTOR, HIS ACCOUNTANT IS A CD-ROM OF TURBO
TAX WITH A COKE PROBLEM. >>> SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
NANCY PELOSI REFUSED TO COMMIT TO BRINGING UP REPRESENTATIVE
ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ'S AMBITIOUS GREEN NEW DEAL
PROPOSAL FOR A VOTE, SAYING THAT SHE "WELCOMES THE ENTHUSIASM."
WHICH IS OLD WHITE LADY SPEAK FOR, "GIRL, BYE."