When you get overwhelmed by making a choice, when you can't decide between A and B, you often settle
for C or you end up paralyzed, procrastinating, or making no decision at all. In this video
you'll learn the three underlying causes of decision paralysis and two keys to overcoming
it. And I'll give you a hint: it has to do with emotion regulation and executive functioning.
Hey, if you want to learn more about how to work through intense emotions and how to get better
at tolerating those big, scary emotions, check out my How to Process Your Emotions course. It's
about 10 hours of content taking you through these step-by-step process of working through
big emotions, resolving them, and coming to a greater sense of peace and self-control. The
link is in the description if you'd like to learn more. Now, there once was a woman named Frida who
struggled with making decisions. She was a perfectionist, and she always worried about
making the wrong choice, whether it was what to wear or what to watch or where to eat. She would
spend hours if not days weighing the pros and cons of every option before finally making a choice.
Now, the tendency to overthink things became a real problem for Frida as she got older.
Decision paralysis was holding her back in life. She couldn't commit to a career, a relationship,
or even a simple outing with her friends because she couldn't decide what to do. Her friends and
family started getting frustrated with her because they never knew whether or not she would show up
to events or follow through with plans. She became anxious and depressed, and her relationships
suffered. One day Frida had to decide between two job offers. One was at a large corporation
with a higher salary but longer hours and more stress and the other was at a small startup with
a lower salary but a better work-life balance. Now, Frida couldn't decide which job to take. She
weighed the pros and cons of each option, but no matter how hard she tried she just couldn't make
a decision. She was so paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong choice that she ended up doing
nothing at all. Now, Frida's story is the epitome of decision paralysis. Decision paralysis is when
you get overwhelmed with a complicated decision or a simple one - deciding "What should I major
in at college?" or "Where should we eat tonight?" might make you freeze up. You might avoid it,
overthink it, delay it, or constantly second-guess your choice. Now, this can lead to choice fatigue.
Like, you might feel exhausted or just give up on college or eating out altogether. The other
thing a lot of people do is procrastinate. So instead of just picking the topic for that one
huge assignment, you do like a ton of little tasks that aren't important, or you spend time watching
shows or on social media, basically just anything you can do to avoid dealing with that overwhelming
decision. And this problem can happen to anyone. In one study surgeons were presented with a pretty
clear case where surgery was necessary, but when they were presented with a bunch of other options,
like a bunch of medications that were unlikely to help but might help, then they ended up delaying
that needed surgery. Now, there are three causes of decision paralysis. Number one: it's harder
than it's ever been to make decisions because we in the developed world have more options than
ever in history. Number two is making a choice comes with risk - a risk of disappointment, fear,
or regret - and a lack of ability to regulate the emotional aspect of decisions impacts our
ability to choose between options. Okay. Number three: your brain struggles to make sense of
important complex, abstract tasks. The word for this is executive functioning. This is all about
how your brain manages decision-making, how it prioritizes what is important.
The average human has a hard time evaluating so much information, but for a lot of people
with depression or anxiety and especially ADHD, executive functioning issues can make it extra
hard. Okay. So now let's talk about how to stop overthinking decisions. Okay. So first let's
address the problem with having too many options. Barry Schwartz has spent years studying this,
and here's a clip from his excellent TED talk. Now, previous to this clip he describes how
he used to just buy the only pair of jeans that were available because there really was only one
option, but recently he needed a new pair and was bombarded with all the options: tapered, straight
leg, boot cut, slim fit, button fly or zipper, and washed or distressed, and so on and so on.
So he spent an hour trying them all on, got the best-fitting jean of his life and was still less
satisfied than before because these jeans weren't perfect. There were just so many other options.
So let's hear what he has to say about how this impacts our mental health. Buying a bad-fitting
pair of jeans when there is only one kind to buy is that when you are dissatisfied and you ask why,
who's responsible, the answer is clear: the world is responsible. What could you do? When
there are hundreds of different styles of jeans available and you buy one that is disappointing
and you ask why, who's responsible, it is equally clear that the answer to the question is you.
You could have done better. With a with a hundred different kinds of jeans on display there is
no excuse for failure. And so when people make decisions and even the though the results of the
decisions are good, they feel disappointed about them. They blame themselves. Clinical depression
has exploded in the industrial world in the last generation. I believe a significant - not the only
but a significant contributor to this explosion of depression and also suicide is that people have
experiences that are disappointing because their standards are so high, and then when they have to
explain these experiences to themselves they think they're at fault. And so the net result is that we
do better at - in general, objectively, and we feel worse. Okay. So the more options we have,
the less satisfied we may feel. When we become aware of this paradox, we can intentionally
counteract it. You could say something like, "I've got lots of good options. Every outcome
will be okay," and then just practice appreciation for the good things you have,
even if they're not perfect, like a startup job or a new pair of jeans. Even something as simple as a
zipper is a pretty marvelous invention if you take the time to appreciate it. Okay. Second:
if you're struggling to make a decision, it's very likely that you're afraid of something. Now,
I'm a therapist, so of course I'm going to say that the most important key to decision paralysis
is to face the emotional problem first. In Frida's case she was attempting to avoid uncertainty,
which is an uncomfortable emotion, with endless perfectionism, future analysis, pros and cons
lists. Right? She was just going around in circles. And it was just an attempt to eliminate
the fear around disappointment or failure or a poor outcome. So if we want to stop overthinking
we need to regulate our emotions. Now, you can learn this skill. Right? You can learn to regulate
the emotions that interfere with making a choice. So start by just asking yourself, you know,
can you identify what you're afraid of? Are you afraid that you'll regret your dinner choice? Are
you afraid that you'll choose the wrong career and be stuck forever? Like what is your fear?
Just get super clear on it. Write it down, and then ask yourself: if that fear really happened,
how would you manage it? Visualize it. You know, if you ate someplace terrible, could you tolerate
the regret? If you chose the wrong career, could you try a different one? And then accept that
there are no perfect decisions. Like, making a decision comes with risk. Life comes with risk.
Choosing to take no risks in life comes with a very high risk of being disappointed and lonely.
For example, if you're afraid to choose a major you'll end up working at the only
available jobs at your education level. Life will choose for you if you don't. Okay. Next,
understand that - just acknowledge that delaying decisions, procrastination, or getting frozen
in indecision are all actually about risk avoidance. So when you're uncomfortable,
when decisions are uncomfortable, you have two options to try to manage your discomfort. Option
number one is to put tons and tons of effort into never making the wrong decision, like Frida here.
Right? Try to be perfect with your decisions, try to avoid all discomfort by doing everything right.
Does this sound a bit like toxic perfectionism to anyone? Right? Trying to never ever make the wrong
decision leads to constant rumination, regret, and paralysis about choices. So what's the other
option? Option two is getting really comfortable with making imperfect decisions. Confident people
aren't more likely to be right; they're more willing to make imperfect choices. Forward
progress includes mistakes and less-than-perfect outcomes. Tolerating imperfection is a skill that
can be learned. So for example, Ryan and I, we often have a hard time deciding what to do on a
Saturday with our four little kids. Children's Museum? Too crowded. Out to eat? The kids will
make a mess. Park? It's freezing outside! We get stuck because because we don't really want
to face the reality: doing things with our kids is going to involve discomfort. There's gonna
be some crying, some lost shoes, some messes, some cold kids, and some fun, some adventure,
some memories and opportunities to grow. So so in this situation the solution isn't choosing
the perfect, easy, comfortable outing with kids. It's actually just picking anything and getting
really good at being resilient. It's going with the flow. It's accepting the messiness of it all
as being fused with the joy of it. And when you have made a decision, just celebrate your
good decisions. Remind yourself of them. This is how you build self-confidence. So here's
three little mantras to get you through the fear of making a decision: number one: any decision
is better than no decision. There is risk in making no decision. Something or someone else
will decide for you. Create power over your own life by choosing to make a decision. Number two:
done is better than perfect. Number three: look forward, not back. People are actually happier
when a choice is final, when they can't go back and change it. When you constantly second-guess
a decision and ruminate on the what-ifs, you make yourself miserable. Don't look back; look
forward. If you didn't like that restaurant, say, "I'll try Bombay House next time." If you stayed
too long in a bad relationship, say, "I'll learn from that to have better boundaries next time."
Okay. So let's get back to Frida. One day Frida's best friend sat her down and had a heart-to-heart
with her. She reminded Frida that there is no such thing as a perfect decision and that sometimes you
just have to take a leap of faith and go with your gut. Frida realized that her friend was
right. Making a decision was hard. But making no decision was worse. So she decided to take the job
at the startup. And though it wasn't the perfect choice, it ended up being the best decision she
ever made. She was happier, more fulfilled, and her relationships with loved ones improved. From
then on Frida learned to accept uncertainty and to just make a decision even if it wasn't perfect.
Okay. So now that we've talked about the emotion regulation aspect of overthinking, the second
key to stop overthinking decisions is about executive functioning. Now, making big decisions
with lots of moving parts can overwhelm our brain circuits. Our brains are not quite prepared for
the difficulties of the modern world. Executive functioning is the mental skill of organizing big
pieces of information. It includes working memory, which is how many ideas we can hold in our head
at once. It includes organization, planning, self-control, prioritization, time management,
and flexibility. Now, because executive functioning is a kind of complex topic I'm
saving it for the next video in this series. Okay. So I just gave you a ton of information about
overthinking decisions. Let's summarize: you have more decisions than ever, which leads to higher
expectations and more disappointment. It's hard to make decisions because you're afraid of making the
wrong choice and being disappointed, but you can develop the ability to tolerate emotions
like fear and remind yourself that done is better than perfect. You can learn the skills to handle
imperfect decisions and still be okay and let go of regret. Also, just remind yourself that you're
resilient. You can handle an imperfect outcome. And give yourself credit for the good decisions
you have made. Just make sure to practice appreciation for the good things you have,
even if they're not perfect. In the next video we'll talk about how to support your executive
functioning. I hope that's helpful. Thank you for watching. Let's get better at feeling.
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