- Have we got single people in tonight?
Give us a "woo" if you're single.
(crowd cheers)
We got couples in?
(crowd cheers)
More of you, but not as enthusiastic.
(crowd laughs)
We got a couple at the front,
how long have the two of you been together?
- [Woman] Thirty years.
- Thirty years.
Well, in some places that would have gotten
a round of applause.
(crowd laughs)
Everybody just went "fuckin' hell"
(crowd laughs)
It was just a lovely noise, like a "huh"
(crowd laughs)
Let's see if we can do it again,
I've never heard three and half thousand people
do that noise.
Let's see if we can do it after three.
One, two, three--
(Crowd "huhs")
Huh.
Thirty years, well done, and we've got--
You're quite a new couple,
how long have you two been together?
- Four months.
- [Sarah] Four months.
(crowd "awws")
- Oh, you clap for that one?
Well done, four months.
Thirty years, fuck you.
(crowd laughs)
I've been with my fella for six years
and it's going really well.
A friend of mine, though, recently fell in love,
even more recently than you two.
She-- they've been together for about a month
and they're adorable.
She'd been single for a couple of years,
so that means there's a little bit more to it, you know.
And they're so, they're so lovely, they're so adorable,
like, to watch, you know?
(crowd laughs)
No, I mean, no -- no.
I mean when I'm with them.
I don't mean like this.
"She should have bedroom curtains, what a slag."
(crowd laughs)
But she said to me that whenever she sees him,
she gets sweaty palms. Isn't that lovely?
It's adorable, isn't it?
Four months together, what other signs of you love
do you think there are apart from sweaty palms?
Give us a suggestion, what do you think?
- I miss her a lot when I'm not with her.
- [Sarah] You miss her when you're not with her?
(crowd "awws")
I can't take the piss out of that.
I really want to, but I can't.
You really miss her?
Oh, that's so adorable.
And thirty years together, but your palms are bone-dry,
are they, flower?
(crowd laughs)
What other signs of love--
We could clearly learn a lot from--
Thirty years together is very, very impressive.
What do you reckon, what are the signs of love?
- A kiss before you go to bed.
- If I-- if I get home and she hasn't changed the lock.
- If you get home and she hasn't changed the lock.
(crowd laughs)
(applause)
- I love the power balance between you two.
You just want a kiss from him.
He's worried he's never gonna see you again.
Or any of his things, or CDs or anything, just -- bye.
That's-- bless you.
That's weird, but nice.
Let's open it up to the rest of you guys,
what about upstairs?
What other signs of love do we think--
We've got sweaty palms, we've got missing each other,
we've got a kiss before bed,
whereabouts was the kiss?
(crowd laughs)
Lips. Alright. Okay, okay.
Don't.
(crowd laughs)
They're making me say it, top or bottom?
Top, that's fine.
And not being locked out, or, well, forever, permanently.
What other signs of love upstairs, do we think?
- [Man] Leaving the toilet door open!
(crowd laughs)
(applause)
- Leaving the toilet door open.
For -- ugh.
For everything, or just number ones?
(crowd laughs)
- [Man] To keep the conversation going, that's all.
- Oh, you just keep the conversation going?
"So, I mean, I said to him, I said,
just give us a minute, love, I'm just gonna -- oh, uh."
Is that love?
I feel -- that's gross, is what that is, I think.
Thank you, flower. Any other ones from upstairs,
signs of love?
- [Man] Depression!
(crowd laughs)
- Did you say "depression"?
(crowd laughs)
(applause)
Where are you, give us a wave, are you upstairs?
Oh, right at the back there, love.
Wow, you were louder than me and I've got a microphone.
(crowd laughs)
- Are you in a relationship at the minute, flower?
- [Man] No.
(crowd laughs)
- Does that mean you're happy at the minute?
- [Man] Yeah.
(crowd laughs)
- Sounds thrilled, doesn't he?
What other ones from upstairs?
- [Woman] The butterflies!
- Butterflies is a lovely one, that's really nice,
thank you, flower.
There was a fella the other day,
I think he was trying to say "butterflies",
but he actually said was, "sometimes I get a fizzy feeling
down below."
(crowd laughs)
What about downstairs, what other signs of love,
do we think?
- [Man] Keeping out of trouble!
- Say that again.
- [Man] Keeping out of trouble.
- "Keeping out of trouble."
Did you get into a lot of trouble, pre-relationship, pet?
- [Man] It was a shit one!
- What was that?
- [Man] It was a shit relationship.
- Oh, it was a shit relationship.
(crowd laughs)
Ooh, are they with you tonight?
Is this the way you break up with somebody?
Just -- wait till an appropriate question comes up
at a comedy show.
"Been meaning to tell you for ages,
it's a shit relationship!"
And we had another answer over here, didn't quite catch it.
- [Woman] Chlamydia!
- Did, did somebody say "chlamydia"?
(crowd laughs)
I've got a present for you, love.
(crowd laughs)
It's a hospital appointment.
Oh, my dear.
Any other ones from downstairs?
- [Woman] Presents!
- What was that? Presents?
Where are you, you money grubbing whore?
(crowd laughs)
(applause)
Give us a wave, where are you, love?
There you are, hello, love.
Are you in a relationship at the minute?
- Yes.
- [Sarah] Yeah.
What was the last present you got?
- [Man] Chlamydia!
(crowd laughs)
(applause)
- Oh, we're gonna have fun tonight.
Apart from chlamydia, no --
What was the last present you got?
- Jewellery.
And what did you have to do for that?
(crowd laughs)
Some things you're ashamed of?
It's worth it if you get a good bangle, though, isn't it?
(crowd laughs)
What other signs down here, we haven't had much more
over here. What do we reckon?
- [Woman] Flowers!
- What was that, love?
- [Woman] Flowers!
- Flowers. Nice, very nice.
And you get flowers regularly?
- [Man] No!
(crowd laughs)
- Well, she clearly likes them,
so do something about it, pet.
I, I did a home gig --
I'm from a little place called South Shields.
(crowd cheers)
Oh, they're all here.
I did a home gig at the beginning of the tour.
Quite a small venue, it's quite a small place,
and I, and I had a horrible feeling
that I was gonna know most of the audience.
And sure enough, when I came out, in the front row,
on the left-hand side was somebody I'd played
out with when I was a babe.
And on the right, someone I'd fucked.
(crowd laughs)
And I said, "what other signs of love are they?"
And a lady at the back just shouted out,
"throbbing fanny!"
(crowd laughs)
Turns out she was family.
(crowd laughs)
But I think that butterflies,
I think that slightly nervous, sort of churny tummy,
I think that comes back, doesn't it?
At the end of a relationship.
You know, when things are petering out.
"Every time I hear his key in the door,
I feel fuckin' sick."
Hello! I'm Sarah Millican,
and thanks very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour with a brand new show called
"Bobby Dazzler."
For all the information about where I'm going,
and when, go to saramillican.co.uk
Thanks!