Have you been wondering why are my parents so overprotective? I know parents.
I've worked with lots of parents. I can tell you why. Parents. They're kind of
weird. But I know parent psychology. I've worked with a lot of parents. I had my
own parents. I am a parent. And I know how they think. To understand why they are so
overprotective, I think first of all, let's take a look at the perspective
that parents are coming from. To do that, I want you to come with me to a mountain
that I climbed a few years ago. In fact, I will draw a picture of it for you right
here. Here you go. This is mountain Timpanogos. You get out an atlas or
something. And look it up. It's in Utah. It's near my office. And I like to go to
the summit of this mountain as often as I can. It's awesome. I had an opportunity
to take my kids up the mountain when they got old enough that they could go
up with me. It's kind of a strenuous hike. So they had to be ready for it.
Picture this. As we're going up this mountain together, I'll just draw us here
on the mountain, here we are, okay? 2 lovely people heading up the mountain.
You get up a certain height and the view starts to open up, right? You get above
the trees a little bit and you can see a long ways. So this view is awesome. You
get a little bit higher in what happens? Oh,
up here, the view is even better. Can you see that? It was kind of funny because
one of my sons when he was just I think 11. We got up about this far on the
mountain and the view was amazing. Honestly we could see for miles. And I
turned to my young son and I said, "Do you think the view could get any better than
this?" And he's like, "I don't think so. This is
pretty awesome." You know, he's right. It is awesome.
But what do I know? See, I've been to the summit many times before. And what's the
difference when we get up here at the top? See up here at the top, we have the
best view of all. And in fact, we can see both directions now. That's a pretty darn
good view. The view got even better. That's not to say that this view down
here was bad. No. It was awesome too. But the view expands as you get farther up
the mountain. Here's how this ties in to your parents. Who's been hiking longer? In
life I mean? The mountain of life? You or your parents? Yeah, your parents. They're
old, right? They've been hiking longer, notice. I'm
not saying that they are smarter or they're more righteous. I don't know if
they are. But I do know that they've been hiking longer. Why are my parents so
overprotective? Check it out. If your parents are up here. Alright, maybe
they're not even on the top. Maybe they're somewhere near the top or
whatever, okay? Some parents are already over the hill. Don't tell him I said that.
But your parents are up here somewhere? Where are you? Well, you're a little
farther down the mountain. And your view is awesome. Face it. You know more, you've
experienced more, you understand the world better than you ever have.
Right? That's absolutely true. And your parents have been hiking longer. So
sometimes your parents are up here on the top of the mountain and they're like,
"Oh, no! Look, my kid is running off of that cliff. They're about to get into all
kinds of danger down there." So they freaked out just a little bit.
And they start hollering down to, "Hey, don't go that way." I mean while you're down
here and you're like, "I'm hiking here. I'm fine. I know what I'm doing. I can see
just fine." And you can. "I can see just fine."
Meanwhile they're like, "No! Don't do it." And so, they're freaking out. And when
parents freak out. It's usually because they're worried. Why would they be
worried? Because they think whether they're right or not.
They think that you are in danger. You're in trouble somehow. And so they're like,
"Oh, no! Don't do it." Right? But they can't actually control it. They can't. They want
to. They want to go down and guide your steps, right? All the way up the mountain.
But they can't. Because who's driving your feet? You. Well, they know this and so
sometimes when parents are worried or upset, they get a little hyper
controlling on you. So what can we do about this? Let's have a little chat for
a minute about how parents think? Can we do that? Parent psychology is something
that you're going to want to understand. And then you'll know what to do about
your parents being so overprotective. Here's how parents think. Parents are
really not that hard to figure out. They're fairly simple in their
psychology. When you understand that they're looking at everything that's
happening in terms of maturity and control. Here's what I mean. Let's put a
graph up here that plots control. That's over here on this side against maturity.
That's down here. Control means control over your own life. And it can go from
zero to a hundred percent. You can have all the control or none of the
controller somewhere in between. Now, maturity has to do with how grown up
you are. One way to think about this is age. So
when you're first born for example. At birth, how much control do you have over
your own life? Yeah, hardly any. You can make a big noise
in a big stink, that's about it. So, we'll put a dot way down here. Now, how about as
an adult? How much control do you have at the other end of the maturity spectrum?
Yeah, whole lot more huh? Yeah, maybe there's some fine print and stuff. But
for most purposes and intense, it's way up here. Between birth and maturity,
between birth and adulthood, we gradually increase in our control over our life
until we're over here and we have most of the control. Now, here's the thing with
parents. They know that they have to share control with you. As you get older,
as you get more mature, you get to have more and more control over your life.
Whether they like it or not. Usually they don't like it. It makes them nervous.
That's why they get overprotective. Parents understand that you've got to be
more mature in order to have the control. So, here's something that's going to help.
Let's take a Jat of the equation for a minute and we'll look at this in terms
of stage. Stage, not age. You're with me? I'm going to divide this into 3
stages of maturity. This is how parents typically think. So, as I remove age from
the equation. keep thinking stage, not age. Because that's what your parents are
thinking. And as you understand that, it's going to put you in a much better
position to deal with your parents. Stage 1 is the least mature. Stage 2 is
right in the middle. Stage 3 is over here on the far right side. At Stage 1,
you don't get to have much control over your life.
Somebody else is going to take most of the control.
Your parents. Right. At stage 2, you get to have more control.
See how that's growing? At stage 3, you get to have the most control possible
over your own life. Stage 1, looks like this. It's selfish
and self-centred. It's all about me, me, me. At stage 1, we're manipulating and
demanding. I want what I want and I want it now. Give me what I want.
Stage 1, is all about Tantrums. Okay, you get where I'm coming from? Now, this is
typical of little bitty kids. 2-year-olds can pitch a fit. But it's
not about age. It's about stage. And what if you are pitching fits? What if you are
throwing tantrums? What if you are being demanding and disrespectful? That means
your parents are going to think that you're not very mature. And they are
going to try to take a whole bunch of control in your life.
Stage 2. let's go there for a moment. At stage 2, we stop fighting and start
cooperating. Cooperation is the hallmark of stage 2. At stage 2, you don't want
any trouble. You want to keep the peace. So, you're going to work with people. And
you'll negotiate. And you come to a win-win kind of a solution.
You know? You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. Let's work together. That's
stage 2. If you get to stage 2, you get to have more control. Stage 3? Oh,
this is where it gets really fun. This is where you are truly responsible. At stage
3, you have morals and values and ethics that drive your behavior. At stage 3,
you're willing to engage in service. And you practice empathy for other people. Do
you see how mature this is? Basically it's stage 3, you're going toV do the
right things for the right reasons. And that's hard. Only mature people even try
it. That's what gives you the most control over your life. If your parents
see you on stage 3, they are going to back way off and allow you to have most
of the control over your own life. So, here's the kicker. And remember we're
talking about parent psychology. How parents think. How mature you are matters.
Because that determines how much control you get to have in your own life. But
here's the kicker. How mature parents think you are matters. Because
that's going to determine how protective or controlling they think they need to
be based on your level of maturity. So, even if you're mature enough to have
control over your own life, if your parents think that you're on stage 1,
that you're being selfish and manipulative and demanding, you follow
this? They are going to get kind of control freakish on you. And they're going to
become overprotective. So what can you do about this when your parents are
overprotective? Stage 3, be more mature. Figuring out
what it's going to take for you to take full responsibility.
Think about your chores. Think about your homework. Think about all of those things
that your parents keep nagging you to do. If they don't have to nag you and you're
still doing it, they're going to think that you're more mature. I think they're going to
be backing off and giving you a whole lot more control. So did you get some
ideas there? Parents are not that hard to figure out. See how this works for you.
And then did you share it with somebody else that you think could really use it?