The check comes.
It sits on the table.
You wait for him to reach for it.
You think he’s waiting for you to reach for it.
You continue your strained end-of-meal conversation, wondering who is going to reach for it first.
Who picks up the check is an emotionally fraught first date ritual that leaves many people
highly disappointed.
Today, I will explain what men should do and what women should do so that this never has
to get weird for you again.
Stick around.
I’m Evan Marc Katz, dating coach for smart, strong, successful women and your personal
trainer for love.
Welcome to the Love U Podcast.
Keep listening to learn who should pay for the first date.
When we’re done, I’ll let you know how you can apply to Love U to create a passionate
relationship that makes you feel safe, heard, and understood.
So, I want to begin with a favorite story.
I wrote about this in my blog fifteen years ago.
I don’t get a chance to recycle it very often, but it’s a 100% true story.
From my late single days in my early 30s, I was working at JDate answering phones in
customer service.
I met a woman who was super impressive, attractive, bright, she was a psychologist (if I recall),
certainly had a more impressive career than I did in customer service.
We went out three to four times over a couple of weeks, increasing in intimacy and frequency.
I was excited about her and were moving along sexually.
I think, at the end of the third date, I spent the night and bought her bagels the next morning.
This was after the original courtship of taking her out to a couple of $75 dinners.
I hate to talk about money, but it’s relevant.
So, there was a normal courtship process, spent the night, treated her to breakfast
the next morning, and at the end of that, she’s like, “Oh my God, I’ve got to
get the next one,” which I thought was a nice gesture, considering she presumably made
at least twice as much money as I did.
So, I was appreciative, and I was working in customer service, and I got a phone call,
and she said, “I found this play.
I think we’re going to love it.”
It was something about sex.
I think the play was called like it’s just sex or something like that.
She’s like, “This sounds great.
I’m at work.
You’re at JDate.
Can you call and get us tickets to the play?”
And this is again after she said she was going to get the next date, and I’m making thirty-two
grand a year at this point, doing the best that I can.
She says she can pick up the date, discovers a play, tells me to get tickets for it, suck
it up and get the tickets for it, and tells me she’s going to pick up dinner beforehand,
which is a nice gesture.
It’s not a big deal, but it’s a nice gesture.
So, the check comes at the end of the meal before we’re supposed to go to the play.
She throws down her credit card, goes to the bathroom.
I handed the credit card to the server.
She comes back and sees that she’s got the only check.
I didn’t reach in and take her credit card or split her credit card.
And she looks me straight in the eye.
And I swear to God, she says, “What am I, your sugar momma?”
No joke.
“What am I, your sugar momma?”
I let her pick up the forty dollars cheap Chinese meal that she offered to pick up.
“What am I, your sugar momma?”
We went through the motions for the rest of the date.
I left her at the end of the night, didn’t follow up again, and later explained why I
didn’t follow up again because she was really surprised (because she thought everything
was going swimmingly!)
She disputes my version of the story.
I don’t know there’s another version of the story, but it’s a great story to know,
to some degree, what it’s like to be a guy, especially for a guy who’s not rolling in
it, who feels like he’s being taken for granted of, and is being valued on his willingness
and ability to pay.
So, get that out of the way.
I know you came here for advice.
I wanted to tell you that story because I don’t think that dynamic has changed that
much.
I think we still have a set of expectations around it.
I want to walk you through how we got here and what I believe is the most effective way
to move forward.
As I’ve said previously, the chivalry of a man paying for everything is a vestige of
a time before women had education and jobs.
It’s come to be conflated with how much a man values a woman.
That’s what chivalry is about.
It’s not about the money.
It’s about the gesture.
As a dating coach for women, even though I don’t necessarily believe that how much
a man spends says much about him as an individual because there’s a whole bunch of rich douchebags
out there, I do believe in general that a man’s willingness to pick up the check in
early phase dating is a decent proxy to illustrate whether he is serious about courtship.
Got it?
We can agree on that.
So, let’s keep this relatively simple and relatively concise.
Since women love it when a guy picks up the check, it seems to me to be wise for guys
to pick up the check.
This is not about whether it’s fair (because it’s not).
This is about whether it works, whether it’s EFFECTIVE, whether it’s largely going to
help procure a second date or deny him a second date.
Men will objectively do much better on first dates if they pick up the entire check, no
questions asked.
As far as your role as a woman, what do you do?
STOP sitting on your hands and acting like it’s his OBLIGATION or joy to pick up the
check.
It’s not.
You’re a stranger from a dating site, and flip it around, if you had to pick up the
check for all the guys you went out with, how would you feel there?
Do you understand?
It’s an act of generosity and should be treated as such, not an obligation.
So, the same way that I think it’s most EFFECTIVE for men trying to make a good impression
to pick up the check, I think it’s most EFFECTIVE for women to reach for their wallets
and OFFER to split the check right after he reaches for it.
A little bit of a game.
I will explain.
So, you reach for your wallet.
He’s already reached for the check, “Oh, I’ve got it.”
Sometimes, the guy will say, “No, I’ve got this,” and insist on paying for the
whole thing (which is lovely).
Sometimes the guy will let you split the check.
That’s OK too.
Either way, you’re covered.
Why?
Because you did the right thing by demonstrating to him that you don’t take him for granted,
you don’t see him as a walking wallet, and you’re an independent woman who is interested
in an equal partnership.
Just the reach symbolizes all of that.
The key to making this work is by not getting upset or taking it personally if he accepts
your offer.
If you offer to split the check and then JUDGE him for doing so, this is nothing better than
a shit test to see if he’s generous.
That’s NOT what we’re trying to do here.
We’re trying to demonstrate that you’re generous, not test him.
We want to show by the act of even reaching when we assume the default is that most guys
are going to take care of it.
The act of reaching shows that you’re appreciative shows your generosity of spirit, and that’s
what most men want to know.
The alternatives to what I just presented are: one, insist on splitting the check (rather
than offer).
Mine was an offer.
Some women insist on splitting the check, and that’s common in Europe.
But it also makes this feel more like a business meeting rather than a date and I think objectively
both are not the look you are going for.
A few common issues that I’ve heard over the years when I presented this to women.
Number one: This is my opinion about what works both for
men.
Pick up the check.
No questions asked during courtship after you become boyfriend-girlfriend.
It’s a different story.
But what works best for men?
Pick up the check.
What works for women?
Reach for the check.
Now, most men have listened to my thoughts on this.
Nor do they know about the made-up rules in your head about how guys should pick up the
check.
This is just my take on it.
Number two: A lot of men think paying entitles them to
hook up.
It does not.
But that’s part of the dance that is going on in his head.
Number three: At the same time, if you’re interested in
him and he makes a move at the end of the night, it’s often a good idea to reciprocate
and kiss him back.
That is often the reward that the guy seeks for his generosity.
I’m not saying it’s good or bad or otherwise; I’m saying it’s common.
And if you like a guy, it works very well to kiss him back.
At the end of the day, the way it works really well for a man to pick up the check.
And finally, last but not least, I am aware that splitting the check is a common technique
to let a guy know that you’re not interested in him and you don’t owe him anything, that’s
fine.
The point is not for the guy you don’t like.
It’s when you’re with the guy that you do like, it costs nothing for you to reach
for your wallet and make an offer.
So, do you see the logic behind the reach?
Do you see why good men would appreciate women who don’t take them for granted?
If you’re watching on YouTube, please comment below and let me know your thoughts.
Otherwise, take this technique out for a spin, see how men receive you.
I think you’re going to like it.
I’m Evan Marc Katz.
Thank you for tuning in to the Love U Podcast.
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