-♪ I love you, sweeeatshirt ♪
-♪ Red hooded ♪
-♪ Sweeeatshirt ♪
-♪ Dip dip dip ♪
-♪ Sweeeatshirt ♪
-♪ Shama-lama-ding-dong ♪
-♪ Sweeeatshirt ♪
♪♪
-You've found that one special someone,
and you never want to be apart.
You dine together.
You play together.
You sleep together.
You even bathe together.
So why not share
the most intimate moment of them all with...
the love toilet?
Exquisitely designed,
handcrafted of the finest porcelain,
with flush assembly and float ball
imported from France, the nation of love.
The love toilet.
From...
Because when you're in love,
even five minutes apart can seem like an eternity.
-The love toilet.
Available at all Bambergers and other fine stores.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Tomorrow we should take a raft out on the lake.
-Alright, sounds fun.
-[ Laughs ]
-Excuse me, is there room for two more lovers in the hot tub?
-Uh...no way, this can't be happening.
-Sure! Sure! -Come! Come, lover!
-There's plenty of room.
-Oh, wonderful. -The whole side.
-Ah! Ah! -Wonderful.
-Here, do you need a hand?
-Yes. Ohh.
-Ohh! -Thank you.
-Here. Come, Roger.
-Ah! -Come, Roger.
Ahh!
The warm water soothe my tired haunches!
-Ahh! -Nice.
-Hello.
We are professors Roger and Virginia Klarvin.
-Well, hi. I'm Clarissa.
And this is my boyfriend, Dave.
-Ah! -Ah, come on, honey.
Why don't we just go back to the room?
-What? But we just got in. -Ah, ah!
Ahhhh! Ah!
-What's this? -Virginia, regard!
Is that not the Dave that we encountered our last stay?
-Ah, ah! So it is!
-Dave! -Dave!
-Well, what brings you back to the prestigious
Welshley Arms Hotel?
Is it the romantic setting,
spectacular views,
or the build-your-own omelet station?
-Uh, actually, it was, uh --
-My lover and I work up a ravenous appetite
after a night of outrageous lovemaking.
-Yes.
-Nothing satisfies like a postcoital omelet
of your own design...
[ Laughter ]
...prepared by four-star chef Jacques Villalobos.
-Mm! -Ah!
-We need to try it.
-Why don't we just go to the room, I think?
-Nonsense!
There's no greater aphrodisiac than the hot tub.
-Yes. -It's HOT tub, not hot TUB.
[ Laughter ]
-You say hot tub, I say hot TUB.
No matter.
-Mmm!
-Dave, I must assure you
that beneath the surface of these waters,
a virtual ant farm of activity is taking place.
-Thighs grazing, leg hairs co-mingling.
-Ah, yes. -Hands eagerly following
familiar paths
to playfully grope at secret cul-de-sacs.
-Ahh.
-Oh, man.
-To lovers old and new! -Yes!
-Quick, let's form a human chain.
-Human chain! -Oh!
-No, no. Thank you, no. No.
-Relax, lover. Relax. -Slide over.
Slide over for the human chain.
-Easy there, Roger. Easy there.
-This is fun! -Oh, yeah.
-This is so fun. -No.
-You must join us on our hike to Lake Chamberlain!
-Oh, we'd love that.
-Tonight at midnight, like giggling teenagers,
lovers four shall creep down to Lake Chamberson
strewing briefs and panties at water's edge.
[ Laughter ]
-Roger and I slather --
Roger and I slather our bodies in lake sediment.
-Yes. -And then we make haste
to the Lake Chamberson recreation area,
where we make love on each and every picnic table!
-Oh, lover, we must join them!
-What's gotten into you? What are you...?
-I don't know!
Maybe it's being here in this hot TUB.
-Okay, okay, okay.
Whose hand is on my cul-de-sac right now?
Yeah, that's... [ Laughter ]
-Oh! Would anyone care for roast capon?
-Roast capons! -Roast capons!
-Ohh! -Oh, no soak --
no soak would be complete without the sensuous delight
of tiny roast chickens, or capons.
-Ehh! -Yes!
[ Both moaning ] -No.
[ Laughter ]
-Chef Villalobos, you have outdone yourself!
-Mmm! -Mmm!
-Clarissa, you must really indulge.
-Ahh! -Mmm!
-Honey, it's delicious!
Try it! It's intoxicating.
-Yeah, they pulled this crap the last time I was in the --
-Wine from my bota?
-Ahh!
-Uh, no, thank you. No, thank you --
-Wonderful! Wonderful!
-How delicious!
-Virg, do you remember the first time we ate capons?
-Mm, yes! -Let me guess --
you were back at the --
Mm-hmm.
-Yes, the first...
-Let me guess, you were back at the university
traveling through Spain, right,
when you met your friend Ted John-SON or something
when you happened to put -- thank you very much.
And you happened into a small taverna,
you sucked the grease off each other's fingers
and had a gross three-way all night long.
-No, silly!
They were on sale at the A&P.
And I said, "Virg, let's try those tiny chickens."
-Then we had a three-way all night long
with A&P night manager Marcus de la Vega.
-Alright, that's it. Alright. I'm going back to the room!
Good night! -Oh!
-Suit yourself, lover! -Forget it.
-I'll be shortly there to caress you
with hands pruny with chicken grease and chlorine.
-Gross.
-Oh, Roger! Virginia!
You have helped me see what love is all about!
-Mmm!
-I will shout it to the night sky,
to the mountaintops,
and across the road to the Econo Lodge!
I am a love-ah!
-Yes! -I am a love-AH!
[ Laughter ]
-I am a love--
Wah!
-Ooh! -She slipped and fell.
-Yes, sweet lover.
[ Gasps ] I have a splendid idea!
-Yes? -Let's make love
next to her unconscious body!
-I can think of no greater achievement.
-Mm, yes!
-Ahh! -Ohh, lover!
-Lover. -Oh, lover.
-Oww! My back!
-What? -Huh?
-My back!
-Lover, is it your back?
-No, you dumbass!
How could that possibly be my voice?!
Now get the hell off me!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You've had a long day.
It's not easy being the perfect boss,
the perfect best friend,
the perfect aunt.
But when you're done,
who's there for you?
Duncan Hines, that's who --
with our newest indulgence
specifically designed for the single woman.
Introducing Brownie Husband,
our very first companion dessert.
In just 90 seconds,
Brownie Husband bakes into a delicious partner
just for you.
A luxurious temptation
that's only 120 calories per serving.
Made of sumptuous Belgian fudge,
Brownie Husband can satisfy all your cravings --
the ones in your mouth...
-You taste so good.
-...and your soul.
-[ Chuckles ] Why, yes, I did get highlights.
Thank you for noticing.
-Finally, you can stuff your feelings down
with something you have feelings for.
Brownie Husband is there whenever you need him/it.
The perfect blend of rich fudge and emotional intimacy,
Brownie Husband is guaranteed to arouse all your senses.
-You seem tense.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-And at the center of every Brownie Husband
is a warm burst of caramel surprise.
Duncan Hines Brownie Husband,
now available with or without nuts.
Brownie Husband --
We now pronounce you...full.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-And now here with a special Valentine's Day song
is Adam Sandler.
Adam? [ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You know, these days, with all the violence and fighting
and hatred in the world, and tomorrow being Valentine's Day,
I thought, "Why not sing a song about the purest, nicest thing
in the world -- my red hooded sweatshirt?"
[ Laughter ]
♪ My mom bought you when I was just 13 ♪
♪ The brightest red sweatshirt that I'd ever seen ♪
♪ She got an extra-large so I wouldn't grow out ♪
♪ "That's too big for you!" the other children would shout ♪
♪ But we stuck together, we didn't quit ♪
♪ And now the children say, "What a perfect fit!" ♪
♪ I love you, sweatshirt ♪
♪ Red hooded sweatshirt ♪
♪ Dip, dip, dip, sweatshirt ♪
♪ Shama-lama-ding-dong ♪
♪ Sweatshirt ♪
♪ I like to rest my hands in your kangaroo pouch ♪
♪ It makes them feel comfy, like a big, soft couch ♪
♪ And I don't care if the weather's no good ♪
♪ I say, "See you later, rain," as I pull up my hood ♪
♪ Remember that long bus trip when I needed a nap? ♪
♪ I used you as a pillow on that Spanish lady's lap ♪
♪ I love you, sweatshirt ♪
♪ Red hooded sweatshirt ♪
♪ Dip, dip, dip, sweatshirt ♪
♪ Shama-lama-ding-dong ♪
♪ Sweatshirt ♪
♪ Oh, what is it about you that makes me so jolly? ♪
♪ Is it your 50 cotton or your 50 poly? ♪
♪ I don't kno-o-o-o-o-w ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-ohhhh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-hoo-hoo ♪
Oh, red hooded sweatshirt, we've been through a lot together,
like that time I played in that shirts-and-skins basketball game
and I had to take you off
and throw you in the corner of the gym.
I was midway through the game,
and then I saw you lookin' at me.
You were staring as if to say,
"Adam, you suck at basketball.
You dribble like a damned woman."
I was so mad, I challenged you to a game of one-on-one,
and, you know, sweatshirt, even though I beat you 11-9,
deep in my soul,
I know you missed those lay-ups on purpose.
You let me win, and that's why --
Kevin, please, help me out.
♪ I love you, sweatshirt ♪
-♪ Red hooded ♪
-♪ Sweatshirt ♪
-♪ Dip, dip, dip ♪
-♪ Sweatshirt ♪
-♪ Shama-lama-ding-dong ♪
-♪ Sweatshirt ♪
Come on, audience members! Help me out here!
♪ I love you sweatshirt ♪
-♪ Red hooded ♪
-♪ Sweatshirt ♪
-♪ Dip, dip, dip ♪
-Ohh!
♪ Sweatshirt ♪
-♪ Shama-lama-ling-dong ♪
-Yeah!
♪ Sweatshirt ♪
♪ I love you s-o-o-o-o-o ♪
Happy Valentine's, everybody!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you, Adam.
-Thank you, Kevin.
Thank you!