- And I'll never forget. So, outside,
he takes me aside before we get into the rooms
and he goes, "here's 300 dollars. Have fun...
and I want you to get a hooker".
And I go... "yes, papa".
(electric dance music)
- Here's the show. It's very simple.
Just a bunch of funny people
who are all telling true stories.
Please give a warm round of applause to Mr. Barry Rothbart!
(audience clapping)
- You know I don't talk about my family a lot.
A lot of people ask me how I'm so good at sex
(audience laughing)
and it's true. A lot of people are like,
"we're big fans, we know your hips don't lie",
but it's cause I learned about it a lot from a young age.
To give you a little background,
I was a fucking strange kid.
I was a fat kid.
I had a ponytail,
I wore huge hand-me-down glasses,
and really right members-only jackets.
So at the age of nine, I was a pedophile.
I was a nine-year-old pedophile.
I did pedophile things.
I couldn't play with other kids.
I would stand at the edge of playgrounds.
Watching other kids play.
I was a fucking weird kid!
I didn't realize it,
but for a lot of my childhood--
you know, you get to that point where
you realize your parents are just fucking weirdos?
They are just people that we know.
They shit--
You know,
that's the only example I could think of.
(audience laughing)
But I found out at some point--
This is pretty crazy.
But my dad was a...
degenerate gambler,
he was a bookie for the Gambino crime family in New York,
one of the biggest bookies.
If you were in the Gambino crime family in the 90's,
that was the fucking crime family you wanted to be in.
I don't want to brag,
but that was like the Michael Jordan of crime families.
So I didn't know that for a while,
but my dad had this whole criminal life.
I started to find out because, for my whole life,
he lied to me and said he was a "Music Producer".
Which is a strange lie,
cause that's something you brag to your friends about.
If he was an accountant, he's just another dude.
But I was like, "my dad's a Music Producer".
He would make these strange lies.
He would be like, "hey, I could get you Bon Jovi tickets",
and I'd tell my friends,
"hey, we could get Bon Jovi tickets".
And he would be like, "couldn't get 'em".
What!
Just don't say anything!
But he was a decent dad, he was a good dad.
We had a decent relationship, and I wanted to be him.
When I figured out what he did and he was a criminal,
I wanted that lifestyle. "The Sopranos" was on T.V.
This was a cool time to be a criminal.
For my 18th birthday,
he decides to take me to Atlantic City.
He gets myself and my friend, Ben, a room,
and he gets the room next to us.
Because when you gamble away your family's money,
they give you free rooms in Atlantic City.
I'll never forget.
Outside, he takes me aside before we get into the rooms
and he goes, "here's 300 dollars. Have fun...
and I want you to get a hooker".
This is for my 18th birthday.
"I want you to get a hooker",
and I go... "yes, papa".
"Papa, yes papa".
This was in the late 1800's.
I go, "papa, yes.
I will do that for you.
Hooker".
Then there was a list of two other things,
as if hooker wasn't the most interesting part of it.
He was just like, "and there's an arcade downstairs!".
I was like, "you just said "hooker"!".
But he had gotten so many hookers in his life,
he didn't even realize it was a weird thing.
And I go, "of course I'll get a hooker".
Then I go into the room where my friend Ben is waiting
and I go, "Ben, we're going to get a hooker".
And he looks at me and goes, "how does one get a hooker?".
I go, "I don't know!".
That's where this story starts to get weird.
So, we decide to get all hooker-ready.
We're putting cologne on.
We're putting on suits.
As if a hooker would be like, "they dress too well!".
We were getting all ready and it's six pm.
We're going to go downstairs and find a hooker.
I don't know if you've ever been to Atlantic City,
but everyone looks like a hooker.
(audience laughing)
Everyone's a hooker!
Men, women, children.
They're some slot machines that looked like fucking hookers.
We're just like, "I don't know how to do this!".
So then we come up with the idea:
let's get drunk and smoke some pot.
So we go upstairs and we got drunk, we smoked some pot,
and then we're like, "let's just open the yellow pages".
Right? It'll probably be in there.
We look under hooker... Nothing!
We look under prostitute... Nothing!
Then we get to "escort",
and there's a bunch of photos of hookers.
So we call one up and the woman answers
and she goes, "hey, what do you need?".
We're like, "Do you have hookers?".
(audience laughing)
And she goes, "uh, no. We have escorts, though".
We go, "is that the same thing as hookers?".
She goes, "yeah!".
Yep, that's pretty much it!
So we're like, "oh yeah, we would love one",
and she goes, "what height?".
We're like, "medium".
She's like, "what about boobs?".
We're like, "yeah, we'd love boobs!".
What do you have, girls with no boobs?
I don't want those girls!
Keep your weird no-boob girls to yourselves!
We're feeling like the man,
"So you going to send her?",
and she says, "yeah, it's a hundred an hour per person".
We're like, "cool, we share a hooker. That's awesome".
She was like, "okay, we're sending a girl over"
and I hung up the phone. I'll never forget.
At the point I was like,
"oh fuck! We're getting a hooker!".
I don't know. How many people here have gotten hookers?
Cool! One honest dude.
You guys are liars!
(audience clapping)
Are you clapping for him
or the concept of me asking someone that?
So, it's a weird--
There's going to be a human being
that's going to come to the door
and be like, "fuck me!".
I guess that's not exactly how it happens,
but that's how I pictured it.
We're like, "we should get higher",
which is a strange decision for when a hooker's on the way.
So we get higher and I'm getting to the point
where I'm afraid of things. Like I'm afraid of furniture.
I'm hiding behind a table.
I'm like, "this is going to be so weird!".
Then finally, I'm perched on a couch
and there's a knock at the door.
My friend's like,
"I'll take care of this", and he opens the door.
I'll never forget what was standing outside of that door.
I can only describe this woman as--
Picture your mother's friends.
That's it.
She was just shapes!
She was an older woman!
My friend closed the door and comes here.
He's like, "what do we do? What do we do about this?".
I was like, "I don't know, man! I'm freaking out!".
My mom's friend Carla is standing out there.
I don't know what to do!
So we're huddling and he looked at me and goes,
"I'll take care of this", and he goes to the door,
opens the door, looks this hooker dead in the eyes,
and just goes, "this isn't what we ordered!".
Like a pizza!
Like, "anchovies? Nope!
That's not what we wanted".
I was like, "What a badass!".
She just looked at him and went,
"okay, give me two minutes". And she walked away.
We were like, "what now? Where does this go?
There's a level two to this game?
I thought the game was over!".
There's another knock at the door and we open it.
This woman-- Compared to the first one,
like a real fox, but still wasn't attractive at all.
You know when someone's hot at the DMV?
They're DMV hot.
It's, like, compared to everyone around them.
Like, "yeah, she's attractive!".
She just walked in--
She just stepped right in and she's like,
"hey guys, what's going on?".
We're like, "oh hey!", and we just had a bottle of Vermouth.
We gave her a shot of Vermouth.
We're like, "hey, what's up?
Yeah, we're just a bunch of dudes".
We look like old men from the 70's.
We're wearing loafers with no socks.
She was like, "what do you guys do for a living?",
and I go, "I'm a Camera Man for The Daily Show!".
Then my friend goes, "I'm a Zoologist!".
You could use Zoologist?
I'm talking about a union job.
You're talking about saving penguins?
You know, what Zoologists do!
She's like, "oh cool", and we're like, "what do you do?",
she's like, "I'm an architect".
We're like, "yeah, right".
(audience laughing)
So she's sipping her Vermouth
and then she shows us a picture of her daughter.
We're like, "Oh no!
This is too weird now.
This is so strange!".
So we're like, "we can't do this",
and we have another huddle.
We're just standing there, huddled, talking again.
My friend's like, "I can't have sex with her",
and I'm like, "I can't either.
I wasn't just going to do it if you weren't!".
I'm like, "I think I have an idea
how to get us out of this".
I leave the room, and I don't know if you guys have fathers,
but there's a moment where you really bond with your dad.
I went over to my dad's room. I knocked on his door.
I'll never forget.
He opened the door and he goes, "What is it, son?",
and I go, "Papa.
Papa, I have a problem.
There's a prostitute in my room.
She's DMV hot and...
I don't want to have sex with her".
He looked me in the eyes, he goes,
"Don't worry, I'll take care of this...
Send her to my room".
(audience laughing)
And I did!
And I spent the rest of the night
listening to my dad have sex with a prostitute.
I remember thinking, "I'm going to be a weird adult".
Thank you guys very much!
(electric dance music)