from one generation to another
frustrated moms think and often say
just wait till you have
your teenage daughter meaning
that their daughters would experience
that same
kind of drama that they went through
this type of
karmic justice but what if it's possible
if moms and daughters could avoid that
drama trap
and experience a close and enjoyable
connection
as a child i thought my mom was perfect
she was cultured intelligent and strong
there was a right way to do
everything from making the beds to
cutting a tomato back then she could do
no wrong but i felt like a slacker
when i was about 11 she had a
mother of a moment after i quickly
beat her in a checkers game she yelled
if you're so
damn smart why don't you make straight
a's in school
the result was not straight a's but a
lot of drama
and i pushed her out of my teenage life
now fast forwards 1996 in a dark
hospital room
i promised my baby girl i'll be
different
and by the way you can cut that tomato
any way you want
now skip ahead my daughter is 11
and very pre-teen i've been a family
therapist for 16 years
i am an expert on teen when i had
my mother of a moment i had an agenda
and she did not get it right and i laid
into her
when i looked into her eyes
my heart sank i'd become the enemy
five years later my daughter is a junior
in a prestigious high school for
performing arts
she's pursuing a career in dance and i'm
thrilled this is what i want for her
but then she decided to quit dance
because of pressure and knee injuries
this wasn't my agenda but this time it
drew us closer as mother and daughter
there are no angry words and that door
stayed open
so how did my relationship go from being
the enemy
to being her ally what started with me
i realized i had become this 24
7 monitor sounding like would you clean
your room
start your homework
the problem is that monitor is a
monologue
it's not a relationship i'd factored my
daughter out of the equation
as i shifted from being obsessed with my
agenda
i started paying attention to her i
realized
i only saw the tip of the iceberg that i
needed to slow down and make space to
see what was below the surface
to see who my daughter really is to see
her brilliance
and her pain and then i noticed
that at the core of most of the drama
was
stress and pressure and yes there are
biological reasons for this
teens are hardwired for drama with that
undeveloped prefrontal cortex in the
dominant limbic system
but there's something else going on
that's not
biological but environmental that
not only has impacted my teenage
daughter but it's
impacting girls from around the world
one study revealed
that two out of five girls
will experience significant anxiety
another study revealed that one-third of
girls will experience
depression what's going on
more than ever before teens are under
this
tremendous pressure to get it right
societal pressure amped up by
social media is attacking girls
self-esteem
as they try to stay afloat in a harsh
competitive teenage culture and i see
this in my private practice
top ranking girls are having panic
attacks
and they can't focus brittany
is a senior she makes straight a's and
she's
super stressed literally no down time
she puts post-it notes in the shower
stall
so she can wash her hair while she
studies
and amber she's in the top eight
percentile of her class
and yet she tells me i can't get
anything right
my mom has a right way to do everything
as
hard as i try i feel unworthy
so do moms add to this pressure yes they
do
and this is a common trap that we can
often fall into
see moms feel this pressure
to have successful daughters so that we
can feel like good mothers and avoid
feeling judged
societal pressure shapes
mom's definition of success
which forms her agenda and fuels that 24
7 monitor
this is not a recipe for success
for either mother or daughter it's a
recipe
for drama shame unworthiness because
no one can achieve these perfection
perfectionistic standards
and that's not success so something's
wrong here
with a cultural bias towards productive
productivity and achievement
there's no time to relax key ingredients
that bring
happiness and meaning to our lives
they're being devalued and therefore
neglected
but we can do something about this
so here are three key strategies that
you can use to dial down the drama
so here's the first it's the lost
art of hanging out and this is where
mom takes off her monitor hat and her
daughter knows it because she no longer
gets that look
but she gets a smile which is her signal
it's safe to come near
hanging out is a no pressure zone where
mom lays aside her agenda for
even an hour and because there's no
expectations both
mom and daughter can relax and this
is where the magic happens hanging out
creates this inviting atmosphere
for your daughter to approach you and
that second key strategy
is positive distractions and i know that
sounds like a waste of time but there
are important benefits
for one it's a natural way to de-stress
and it attunes moms and daughters
together dr stewart brown
says that the opposite of play is not
work
it's depression and there are a lot of
depressed
teenage girls but can moms and daughters
really play together
well yes they can it just looks
different recently i was on a vacation
with my daughter
and i'm reading the book play by dr
stuart brown
and my daughter looks over to me and she
says
oh my gosh mom why are you reading a
book on play i can show you how
and our teens can they'll say
listen to this song watch this cat video
look at these cute shoes and though it
feels
completely frivolous if you accept this
casual invitation it opens the door
to your daughter's heart now
the beauty of these positive
distractions
is that it often leads to that third key
strategy
which is spontaneous check-ins and this
is when your daughter says
hey mom guess what now
your job is to listen and be curious
and not frown at those clothes on the
floor
if you keep that monitor away she will
open up to you spontaneous check-ins
maybe last
15 minutes before she's off to the next
thing
but these daily positive experiences
are building a bridge of connection that
can be her lifeline
so let me offer you another strategy
which is soothing conversations
and this is an invitation for a deeper
intimacy
with your daughter but beware these are
treacherous waters
when your daughter comes to you all
upset and negative
that monitor in you wants to go get
a grip but she does not need a mother
lecture
she needs what we all need which is to
be
seen and heard and understood and
experience
unconditional love see
teens are lost in a sea of difficult
emotions like
humiliation and regret and betrayal
helping name these emotions is soothing
kindness and empathy can also calm those
stormy waters
advice can come later
so making time every day to hang out
for positive distractions spontaneous
check-ins and soothing conversations
it not only dials down the drama but it
opens up these amazing
opportunities for you and your daughter
after i started putting into practice
the things that i've shared with you
something remarkable happened one
evening back
when my daughter was a senior in high
school she was in her busy spring
semester
and she was out with her friends or so i
thought
and i was home alone feeling sad that my
daughter
would be leaving soon and then
i hear this knock at the door
it was my daughter and she said mom get
in the car
and i thought now what
but we drive off that music blaring
through downtown houston and she turns
to me and she says
i know you're my mom but you're the best
person to ask we're kind of alike
i mean you're writing your book and you
speak
but we both want to change the world
mom where
do i start
i was stunned she'd been watching my
life
that's what impacted her not my
agenda
so the hope i have to offer you is this
those mother moments they can happen
and they probably will there are no
perfect mothers or perfect daughters
and the good news it's never too late to
heal that connection
and in my quest to free
my daughter of expectations and agendas
i became free and what is that freedom
it's the freedom to love and like your
daughter
it's the freedom from that pressure to
be perfect
it's the freedom to play no matter how
old you are
and it's the freedom for both mother and
daughter to each
to find their own unique definitions of
success
and it's the freedom to keep choosing
love and not judgment
you can transform the drama
into limitless opportunities for you
and your daughter now and for future
generations
you