FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A SEVEN-TIME EMMY AWARD-WINNING,
SKETCH COMEDY ACTRESS AND STAR OF "TRACEY ULLMAN'S SHOW."
PLEASE WELCOME TRACEY ULLMAN.
♪ GIVE IT UP FOR TRACEY ULLMAN GIVE IT UP FOR TRACEY ULLMAN
♪ GIVE IT UP FOR TRACEY ULLMAN GIVE IT UP FOR TRACEY ULLMAN ♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, TRACEY
ULLMAN.
>> HELLO, STEPHEN COLBERT.
>> Stephen: LOVELY TO MEET YOU.
>> LOVELY TO MEET YOU.
>> Stephen: AS I SAID, "TRACEY ULLMAN'S SHOW," TRACEY TAKE OFF,
TRACEY STATE OF THE UNION-- >> MY NAME IS IN THE TITLE.
A PATTERN.
>> Stephen: MUCH HARDER TO REPLACE YOU IN THE SHOW IF YOUR
NAME IS IN THE TITLE.
YOU ALSO GET ALL THE PRAISE, AND SEMIEMMY AWARDS.
MANY MORE NOMINATIONS.
>> YES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: AND AGAIN THIS
YEAR.
AND AGAIN THIS YEAR AT THE EMMYS YOU WERE NOMINATED AGAIN.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: FOR THE FIRST SEASON OF "THE TRACEY ULLMAN
SHOW."
DIDN'T WIN, FERL UNFORTUNATELY.
>> I THINK I WOULD, THOUGH.
BEING UP AGAINST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WAS PRETTY TOUGH THIS
YEAR.
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" IS UNBELIEVABLE.
THANK GOD FOR "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
SO I JUST HAD A SMASHING TIME.
>> Stephen: THE SECOND SEASON STARTS OCTOBER 20.
YOU'RE KNOWN FOR YOUR CHARACTERS AND IMPRESSIONS AND YOU DO A LOT
OF THEM ON YOUR SHOW.
WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST?
DO YOU REMEMBER THEM AS A CHILD, YOUR FIRST ONE?
AND DID YOU DO THEM AS CHILDREN?
>> I USED TO STAND ON THE WENDO SILL IN MY MOTHER'S BEDROOM AND
DO A SHOW.
A LOT OF US DID, DIDN'T WE?
DID YOU?
AND I USED TO IMITATE THE OLD SPINSTER, ANNIE COX WHO HAD LOST
HER FIANCE IN THE FIRST WORLD WAR.
I USED TO DO THINGS LIKE THAT.
AND I USED TO PRETEND I WAS EDITH PEAR.
RUBBISH.
AND MY MOTHER WOULD GO, "IT'S UNBELIEVABLE SHE'S SPEAKING
FRENCH.
SHE'S NEVER HAD A LESSON ♪ ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN THEY USED TO JUST DRAW THE CURTAINS AND I WOULD-- I
KNEW THAT WAS WHEN THE SHOW WAS OVER.
>> Stephen: WINDOW WAS CLOSED, RIGHT?
WINDOW WAS CLOSED DURING THIS PERFORMANCE?
>> YEAH, YEAH.
BUT THAT SORT OF THING.
AND I STILL FEEL I'M STILL DOING THAT NOW.
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S GOOD.
>> EVERY DECADE OF MY LIFE I'VE CONTINUED TO DO THE "TRACEY
ULLMAN SHOW."
>> Stephen: IS IT TRUE-- I KNOW YOU'RE AN AMERICAN CITIZEN
NOW.
YOU BECAME AN AMERICAN CITIZEN IN THE 2008 ELECTION SO YOU
COULD VOTE FOR BARACK OBAMA.
IS THIS TRUE?
>> YEAH.
I DID.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I MET HIM AT, LIKE, SOME LITTLE
PARTY, LIKE, YOU KNOW, SHOULD-- I JUST WAS SO IMPRESS WITH THE
MAN.
I LEFT LIKE ON A HIGH.
I THOUGHT, "I'M GOING TO BECOME AN AMERICAN!"
AND I DID.
I TOOK THE TEST AND IT WAS AT THE STAPLE CENTER IN L.A. AND
THEY PLAYED A MOVIE WITH THE MONSTER TRUCKS AND THE MOON
LANDING AND GEORGE W. BUSH WAS STILL PRESIDENT.
♪ I'M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN BECAUSE AT LEAST I KNOW I'M FREE
THEY PLAYED THAT ♪ AND I STAND IN ♪
>> Stephen: WHEN YOU WERE SWORN IN?
>> WHEN WE WERE SWORN IN THEY PLAYED THAT.
>> Stephen: I WOULD LIKE TO BE SWORN IN.
IT'S LIKE-- YOU WERE BAPTIZED WHEN YOU WERE BORN AND YOU
DIDN'T HAVE THE CHANCE TO MAKE THE CHOICE.
HOW DID YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS FEEL BACK HOME KICKING THE QUEEN
TO THE CURB.
YOU HAVE TO RENOUNCE THE QUEEN, DON'T YOU?
>> SO AMERICAN, "HEY, YOU'RE KICKING THE QUEEN TO THE CURB."
>> Stephen: DON'T YOU HAVE TO RENOUNCE THE QUEEN?
>> NO!
I'M NOT A ROYALIST.
THEY DON'T WANT ME AS A DAME.
I'M NOT LOSING ANYTHING THERE.
WHEN KATE MIDDLETON IS PREGNANT AGAIN, THEY ALWAYS SAY THINGS
LIKE, "KATE MIDDLETON HAS HYPERPAREMESIS."
WHY CAN'T THEY SAY SHE'S THROWING UP.
SHE FEEFLS SO BAD, SHE'S BARFING.
THAT'S ROYAL.
THROWING UP.
>> Stephen: YEAH, WE HAVE A CLIP HERE FROM THE SHOW.
WHO ARE YOU PLAYING IN THIS CLIP?
>> UH, WHERE IS IT?
OH, JUDI DENCH.
IS IT JUDI DENCH AND MAGGIE SMITH.
>> Stephen: AND JUDI DENCH IS IN JAIL.
WHAT IS SHE IN JAIL FOR IN THIS?
>> WELL, SHE'S A NATIONAL TREASURE BUT SHE'S NAUGHTY JUDI
DENCH, MY JUDI DENCH.
SHE DOES THINGS LIKE SHOPLIFTS IN FRONT OF PEOPLE AND THROWS
DOG POO INTO TREES.
YOU KNOW PEOPLE WRAP THEM UP IN BAGS AND...
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS LIKE JUDI DENCH.
>> AND SHE GETS CAUGHT FOR DOING THAT, AND MAGGIE SMITH HAS TO
COME BAIL HER OUT.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
>> AGZ YOU DO.
>> Stephen: JIM.
( LAUGHTER ) >> MAGGIE!
THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE!
THEY'VE CONVINCED THEMSELVES THAT I COMMITTED SOME SORT OF
CRIMINAL INFRACTION.
OF COURSE, I TOLD THEM I COULD HAVE DONE NO SUCH THING.
I'M BELOVED BY THE NATION.
BUCKINGHAM PALACE, BUT THEY JUST WOULDN'T LISTEN.
>> WELL, MADAM, YOU KNOW THIS LADY?
>> I'VE NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE IN MY LIFE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> BUT IT'S ME, JUDI!
WE DID "THE MARIGOLDS" TOGETHER.
>> YES, AND I GOT SECOND BILGE.
>> YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.
>> OH, I THINK I CAN.
I'M A NATIONAL TREASURE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: IT'S HARD TO THINK-- IT'S HARD TO THINK OF
JUDI DENCH AS A CRIMINAL, THOUGH, AS A TROUBLEMAKER.
>> SHE LIKES IT, THOUGH.
>> Stephen: DOES SHE?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
>> SHE'S-- SHE APPROVES OF IT.
AND SHE SAID THE PEOPLE LOOK AT HER FUN NESHOPS NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) I ADMIRE THEM SO MUCH.
MAGGIE AND JUDI.
I MEAN, THEY ARE NATIONAL TREASURE S.
>> Stephen: DO YOU CALL THEM MAGGIE AND JUDI.
>> DARLING, ACTORS ALWAYS KEEL EACH OTHER BY YOU KNOW-- I HAVE
MET THEM.
>> Stephen: NOW, THEY'RE BOTH DAMES.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE A DAME?
>> OH, PLEASE, I'M NOT GOING TO BE A DAME.
>> Stephen: I'M SURE THERE'S A PARTY AND YOU GET A BADGE AND
STUFF LIKE THAT AND AMERICANS ARE SO IMPRESSED BY THAT
(BLEEP).
>> THEY ARE, THEY ARE.
I THINK TRUMP IS DESPERATE TO GET TO ENGLAND BECAUSE HE WANTS
TO BE IN THE CINDERELLA CARRIAGE GOING DOWN THE MALL WAVING,UN.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO GET THERE QUICK!
IT TURNS INTO A PUMPKIN AT MIDNIGHT.
>> AND CAMILLA PARKER BOWLES SAYS, "IF HE GRABS MY PUSSY,
I'LL BREAK HIS ARM."
AS SHE SHOULD.
>> Stephen: AS SHE SHOULD, EXACTLY.
"TRACEY ULLMAN'S SHOW" RETURNS NEXT FRIDAY ON HBO.