LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, KUMAIL NANJIANI.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪
>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. I AM HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE." WHAT IS HAPPENING?
I'M SO EXCITED. EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE KID IN
PAKISTAN, I REMEMBER ON SATURDAY NIGHTS MY WHOLE FAMILY WOULD GET
TOGETHER AND WATCH "STAR TREK." WE DIDN'T GET "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE." [ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS AWESOME. I HAD A MOVIE EARLIER THIS
SUMMER CALLED "THE BIG SICK." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU. PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW, "THE BIG
THICK" IS THE TRUE STORY OF THE FIRST YEAR OF THE RELATIONSHIP
BETWEEN MY EVENTUAL WIFE AND I, AND MY WIFE EMILY IS A WHITE
AMERICAN PERSON. AND MY PARENTS WANTED ME TO
MARRY A MUSLIM PAKISTANI PERSON. THINGS DIDN'T GO THEIR WAY.
I'M GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF. I WAS THE SECOND PERSON FROM MY
FAMILY TO LEAVE PAKISTAN AND COME TO THE WEST.
I HAD AN UNCLE WHO WAS GOING TO SCOTLAND TO STUDY AND THE
NANJIANIS WERE VERY EXCITED. BUT THEY WERE LIKE, "HEY,
REMEMBER THE DEAL, BE GOOD." AND HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH, GOT IT."
THEN HE GOT TO SCOTLAND, AND FELL IN LOVE WITH A WHITE
WOMAN, MARRIED HER AND THE NANJIANIS WERE DEVASTATED.
WE WERE LIKE, "NEVER AGAIN, LET'S TIGHTEN THIS UP.
AND THEN FOR DECADES, NOBODY LEFT.
NOBODY LEFT UNTIL 40 YEARS LATER.
I CAME TO AMERICA, FELL IN LOVE WITH A WHITE WOMAN, MARRIED HER,
AND THEN MADE A MOVIE ABOUT IT. JUST TO RUB IT IN THEIR FACE.
[ LAUGHTER ] NANJIANIS ZERO, WHITE WOMEN,
TWO. [ APPLAUSE ]
WHEN I CALLED MY MOM TO TELL HER, SHE WASN'T EVEN UPSET.
SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS TIME, SHAME ON US."
[ LAUGHTER ] THE MOVIE WAS WELL-RECEIVED,
MOSTLY. I READ EVERYTHING ON LINE,
WHICH -- DON'T DO THAT. I SAW ONE GUY SAID, "I WATCHED
THE WHOLE MOVIE. I JUST DON'T LIKE RACEMIC
THINGS. YEAH, FIRST OF ALL NOBODY GOOD
EVER USES THE WORD RACEMIC -- RACE MIXING.
LIKE, EVEN IF SOMEONE WAS LIKE, I'M PRORACE MIXING, I WOULD
BE LIKE, "WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT?"
ARE YOU AN UNDERCOVER KKK DRAGON?
ALSO, WHY DID YOU WATCH THE WHOLE MOVIE?
WERE YOU HOPING FOR A TWIST? DID YOU THINK AT THE END I'D RIP
OFF MY MASK, LIKE, "HA-HA, IT'S ME, CHRIS PINE.
I AM A WHITE BOY. THE ONLY THING WORTH MIXING IS
FRISBEE AND GOCHL LET'S GO EAT SOME RANCH DRESSING.
MY TWITTER MENTIONS WERE A LITTLE BIT OF A NIGHTMARE AFTER
THE MOVIE CAME OUT. PEOPLE WERE LIKE, "GO BACK TO
INDIA!" WHICH I'VE NEVER BEEN TO INDIA.
WERE YOU JUST HOPING I HAVE AN AWESOME VACATION?
HERE'S MY FANTASY. THIS IS MY FANTASY.
MY FANTASY IS WHEN SOMEONE'S RACIST TO ME, AND THEN
IMMEDIATELY I WANT DANGER TO BEFALL THEM.
AND THEN I WANT TO RESCUE THEM JUST TO SEE THE CONFUSED LOOK ON
THEIR FACE. LIKE I WANT THEM TO BE LIKE, GO
BACK TO INDIA. HA, HA, WOLVES!
AND THEN I FIGHT OFF THE WOLVES, AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WE WERE
RACIST TO YOU, AND YOU STILL HELPED UP."
AND I GO, "THAT IS THE WAY OF MY PEOPLE."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ISLAMOPHOBIA IS REALLY CLIMBING
THE CHARTS RIGHT NOW, HUH? I MEAN, IT NEVER WENT AWAY BUT
IT'S REALLY HAVING A MOMENT RIGHT NOW.
ISLAMOPHOBIA IS KIND OF LIKE "WILL AND GRACE," YOU KNOW,
IT WAS HUGE A WHILE AGO, THEN IT WAS GONE AND WE THOUGHT IT WAS
DONE BUT NOW IT'S BACK, AND BIGGER THAN EVER.
THURSDAYS ON NBC. THEY MAKE ME SAY THAT.
I SAW ONE GUY, HE WAS LIKE, "OF COURSE ALL MUSLIMS ARE SEXIST.
THE KORAN SAYS WOMEN CAN'T DRIVE."
YEAH. PRETTY SURE THE KORAN NEVER SAID
THAT. BECAUSE IF THE KORAN HAD SAID
WOMEN CAN'T DRIVE CARS 1,400 YEARS AGO, I WOULD BE AT
THE MOSQUE RIGHT NOW. AND SO WOULD ALL OF YOU.
BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN THE KORAN PREDICTED CARS.
IF 1,400 YEARS AGO THE KORAN WAS LIKE, "SOME DAY THERE WILL BE A
METALLIC BOX THAT WILL CARRY YOU WHEREVER YOU WANT, AND IT WILL
HAVE FOUR WHEELS, AND YOU WILL HAVE TO PUT GASOLINE IN IT, AND
IT WILL HAVE A LITTLE SPEEDOMETER TO TELL YOU HOW FAST
YOU ARE GOING. AND IT WILL HAVE A BLUETOOTH
CONNECTION, AND WOMEN SHOULDN'T DRIVE IT."
I WOULD BE LIKE, "I KNOW TWO THINGS FOR SURE: ISLAM IS THE
ONLY TRUE RELIGION, AND WOMEN SHOULDN'T DRIVE."
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
I'M VERY GLAD YOU LAUGHED AT THAT.
OTHERWISE IT SOUNDS LIKE I'M JUST GIVING A VERY DIVISIVE
SPEECH. ISLAM IS THE ONLY TRUE RELIGION.
WOMEN SHOULDN'T DRIVE. [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S DEFINITELY THE QUOTE ON THE INTERNET TOMORROW.
SIKH PEOPLE GET ATTACKED ALL THE TIME BECAUSE PEOPLE THINK
THEY ARE MUSLIMS. SPOILER ALERT, THEY'RE NOT.
BUT THEY ARE BROWN AND THEY WEAR TURBANS SO THEY GET ATTACKED FOR
BEING MUSLIMS. WHICH MUST PUT THE SIKH PEOPLE
IN SUCH AN AWKWARD POSITION. BECAUSE THEY'RE LIKE, "I'M NOT
MUSLIM. NOT THAT YOU SHOULD ATTACK
MUSLIMS BUT IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO ATTACK MUSLIMS, WHICH YOU
SHOULDN'T, I'M NOT ONE. THERE IS A MUSLIM RIGHT OVER
THERE. DON'T ATTACK HIM.
UNLESS SOMEBODY'S DEFINITELY GETTING ATTACKED, IN WHICH CASE,
GET IT RIGHT, WHICH IS WRONG." [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] WHICH BRINGS ME -- THIS BRINGS
ME TO MY PROBLEM WITH MOST RACISM.
THIS IS WHAT I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MOST RACISM.
IT'S THE INACCURACY. THAT'S WHAT BUGS ME.
I'M LIKE, "DO THE RESEARCH. PUT IN THE WORK.
YOU WILL SEE THE BENEFIT." I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.
IF SOMEONE YELLS AT ME, "GO BACK TO INDIA," I'D BE LIKE, "THAT
GUY'S AN IDIOT." BUT IF SOMEONE IS LIKE, "GO BACK
TO PAKISTAN, WHICH WAS PART OF INDIA UNTIL 1947 AND IS NOW HOME
TO THE WORLD'S OLDEST SALT MINES," I WOULD BE LIKE, "THAT
GUY SEEMS TO KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
I'LL PACK MY BAGS." [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] >> JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE RACIST
DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO BE IGNORANT.
AN INFORMED RACIST IS A BETTER RACIST.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
PINK IS HERE. STICK AROUND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. ♪♪♪