It's pretty much the question, isn't it? You've done your time on dating apps. You've had enough
meaningless sex to satisfy your curiosity. You found guys with potential who couldn't live up
to their promise. And now you want to know the ultimate HOW to get a guy to want to be
with you forever. In the next few minutes, I'm going to share with you a few powerful tips and
one earth-shaking idea that will forever change the way you look at commitment. Stick around.
I am Evan Marc Katz, the dating coach for smart, strong, successful women and your
personal trainer for love. Welcome to the Love U Podcast. Keep listening to learn four proven
ways to get him to commit. When we're done, I'll let you know how you can apply to Love
U to create a passionate relationship that makes you feel safe, heard, and understood.
So we talked a lot about commitment here on the Love U podcast. For most people, that is
where everybody wants to head. There are very few people who turn to dating and relationship coaches
to learn how to sleep with someone casually online, only to discover that he's doing the
same with three other women at the same time. It's very few people's end game. So in a sea of bad
advice, I want to give you four proven tips that actually make a difference. I would encourage you
to write these things down. These are the reasons that men commit to some women and not others.
#1 Treat him as the best version of himself. I can't emphasize this enough. I mean, I
could have done 12 tips, but I chose four because they're all really important. It would be best to
assume positive intent when it comes to men. Men are so used to being criticized and dissected
by the women who ostensibly claim to love us that it's hard ever to feel relaxed. It's hard to ever
feel like a good boyfriend. You're constantly on edge that you're doing something wrong, that you
don't read her mind properly, that despite your best efforts, they're never enough. And so there
is really unique value in being his soft place to land. It's extremely potent that many people, many
of my clients, don't employ, and I'm not judging, and I tend to be a pretty critical person myself.
It's easy to find fault with people but finding the good works better than criticizing the bad.
Now, this does not mean that you ignore bad behavior. A lot of women say, "Oh,
he's telling me to sweep this under the rug. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, and he took
advantage of me." But that's not what I'm saying. We're talking about when we have a good boyfriend,
an honest boyfriend, a guy who tries, a guy who cares. If you've got a guy you can't trust,
who mistreats you, doesn't make you feel safe, heard and understood. Dump him,
ok? This isn't to "treat him as the best version of himself" when he's a shitty boyfriend,
but if you have a good person on your hands and that's the same way you treat anybody the same way
you would hopefully treat your best friend. The way you treat your sister, your mother, you treat
them as if they're the best version of themselves instead of constantly finding fault with them.
#2 Be the best girlfriend you can be. What I find with many women when I turn to them and
ask, "Hey, what makes you a great girlfriend?" They look at me and say,
"I don't know." Or they answer with, "I have a master's degree.
You know, I travel a lot. I'm really cultured and sophisticated. I'm really good at redecorating,
and I have a pretty good nose for real estate." All these things have nothing to do with being
a good girlfriend. Many clients don't view themselves through the lens of "How do I show
up as a partner?" Ask a guy why he's a great boyfriend, and he probably won't know, either.
What we're trying to do here is pay attention to the skill of being in a partnership, and that
might mean speaking multiple love languages. And he doesn't care if you speak French and
Spanish; what he cares about is if you speak the love language with quality time, touch, words of
affirmation, acts of service or gifts. But it's not just about speaking all five love languages;
it's about speaking his love language. How does he like to receive? Do you give that to him?
As the story goes, you may think you're the perfect girlfriend for making him dinner, but if
his love language is touch and he wants to have sex a few times a week,
and you never want to do that, then he's not going to think you're the perfect girlfriend,
even if you believe you are the perfect girlfriend. So be the kind of girlfriend
that makes your boyfriend realize he's never had it better, and he's never going to have it better.
#3 Set healthy boundaries. This actually makes you into a person who's more worthy of
commitment. With tip #1, we talked about being a soft place to land,
but being a soft place to land doesn't mean being a doormat. Men don't respect
doormats and don't want to marry doormats. In Love U, we talk about the concept of being the cool
girl with boundaries the same way you want to date the nice guy with balls. Another term we use is
the benevolent CEO, the person who creates the conditions at the company that anybody would
want to work at that company. And it's a feeling; it's a demeanor of being someone who's in control,
who's patient, who's understanding, but also is willing to set limits.
Honestly, it's kind of like being a parent when I think about it. You don't want to be the strict
parent who beats their kids or the permissive parent who let their kids run hog wild. You
need to be able to set healthy boundaries and set healthy boundaries. It's not about being a bitch.
It's about listening to your feelings and honoring them. Communicate those feelings
to your boyfriend in a reasonable fashion. And if your guy doesn't respect those boundaries,
have the courage to break up with him. This is all we talk about in the last three months of Love U,
the section about relationships. It's all about setting reasonable boundaries that allow you to
have the relationship you want and him to have the relationship that he wants.
#4 Don't push him to commit. Remember, men and people, in general, don't want to be sold -- they
want to choose to buy. So if you choose a man who claims to want marriage and he's dating you,
then you have to work under the presumption that he is contemplating whether he's going to marry
you while he's dating you; you've got to give him the space to come to his own conclusions. And know
in your heart that he is as invested in this as you do. This is very different from dating someone
who isn't sure if he ever wants to get married again, and you keep your fingers crossed and
feel anxious. Now we're talking about a guy who already stated he wants the same thing you want.
I've been that guy. When I was dating my wife, she never had to pressure me. I knew what was
at stake. I also wanted to get married. I also want to have kids. I needed time to figure out
if it would be with her. But your job is not to push him or nudge him in that direction. Your
job is to pay attention to how you feel. Watch how the relationship escalates organically,
how he drives it forward, whether he's volunteering or talking about a future.
If he never does, it's probably not a very good sign. And if your guy isn't escalating
in a reasonable amount of time and we're talking about getting engaged,
we're talking two to three years in the ballpark. I know no one likes to hear that, but it's true.
Then you break up with him. You don't break up with a guy because three months in, he doesn't
know if he wants to marry you. He should know if he wants to marry you in three months. Because
he knows he wants nine or three months. He hasn't thought too long and hard about what it takes to
be married. You don't have enough information at that time. But the only way to get a man to marry
you is to give him the time to discover that you were indispensable, that he can't live without
you. If you're dating for six months, he can live without you as he was doing it six months ago,
so you have to become indispensable if you want to be part of his life to the point that he wouldn't
want to imagine his life without you. But you can't drive it. You can't pressure him to do so
in the first six months just because you're feeling insecure about it.
And then finally, the earth-shaking bonus idea that I mentioned to you in the intro. So many
questions come from women operating from a place of deep insecurity for good reasons.
They've been ghosted, abandoned, and all the anxiety that comes with the turnover of modern
dating and I completely understand what it's like to feel those feelings and be in those shoes.
But then your questions start to be framed in the way I did in this video -- what are the
four proven ways to get him to commit? That's not the right angle. Today,
I want to encourage you to look at this through a different lens
instead of worrying about how you can get him to commit. How about you stop and think
about whether he is worthy of your commitment? That is a CEO move that takes back your power
instead of being the needy intern desperately looking for someone to hire her; you can be the
powerful boss willing to leave the job open as long as necessary until she finds an excellent
employee to fill that job for the next 40 years. So I'm not disputing the four tips that I just
gave you; I think it's pretty good advice. They're all about operating from a place of confidence,
but real confidence is not searching your feelings of "what can I do to convince him
to choose me?" but rather, "what is he going to do to convince me to choose him? Am I comfortable
trusting this man with my life and everything that comes with that for the next 40 years?"
He should be trying to sell himself
to you. It would be best if you weren't selling yourself to him.
And if you can make that switch internally, dating will become a lot less stressful & a lot more fun,
and you'll feel a lot better about your ability to fire underperforming interns. So are you more
of a CEO or an intern? Please comment below. Stick around for more great content next week.
My name is Evan Marc Katz. Thank you for tuning in to the Love U Podcast. For more episodes like
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I share with my wife, a relationship that's easy and makes me feel safe. Look below for the link.
Go to www.evanmarckatz.com to watch my free video about how to gain confidence,
attract quality men and fix your broken man picker in the next six months. And when you're done,
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