Who has a dog?
I'll tell you a story, but I need to know
first of all, who has a dog?
Somebody have a dog?
(audience cheering)
What do you have?
What kind of dog do you have?
- [Audience Member] A Yorkie.
- Say it again, please.
- [Audience Member] A Yorkie.
- Yorkie.
- [Audience Member] Yeah.
- Not a dog.
Who has a dog?
(audience applauding)
Yorkie.
(audience applauding)
Yorkie, it's not.
The name should tell you
that's not a dog.
Yorkie is when you drink too much
and go, yorkie!
(audience laughing)
Yorkie!
(audience laughing)
You put a sign in your yard that says,
"This home protected by a Yorkie."
I will rob you blind.
(audience laughing)
Who has a real dog?
What do you have?
- [Audience Member] A Border Collie.
- A what now?
- [Audience Member] A Border Collie.
- Border Collie.
Gives you an idea of what this does.
This a political dog, sits by the border.
(audience laughing)
No, we have an idea. A Border Collie.
Anybody got one of those real . . .
- [Audience Member] I got a
German Shepherd.
- German Shepherd, now that's a dog.
That's a dog.
It's a German dog, but it's a dog.
(audience laughing)
And it's designed to protect people.
It also is a dog that's very loyal
to whoever—it's a dog!
You can put a sign in your yard,
"This home protected
"by a German Shepherd."
People know, "No, don't go.
"Don't go there.
"Go to Yorkie place."
(audience laughing)
I have been doing research.
Oh, you should hear the names
they come up with.
Schnoodle pickle.
(audience laughing)
My friend has a Chihuahua.
To me, a Chihuahua . . .
People that have Chihuahuas
need therapy of some kind.
(audience laughing)
I'm serious.
A Chihuahua?
Why would you have a Chihuahua?
My imitation of a Chihuahua.
How many of you have
seen Chihuahuas?
My imitation. I don't own one.
I've never seen yours,
but this is my imitation of a Chihuahua.
(audience laughing)
(Ken barking)
(audience laughing)
(Ken barking)
(audience laughing)
They never move forward,
they back up.
(audience laughing)
How'd they name a Chihuahua?
How did they name of a Chihuahua?
"This new breed of dog
"and it is our job
"to come up with a name.
"So, ideas.
"Yes?"
I am thinking
that we call the dog Chow.
"Oh, that's good name. Chow.
"The problem is there's already
"a breed of dog named Chow.
"We can't do that. It's already one."
And the guy went, wow.
And he goes, "That's getting closer.
"Chow, wow, wow.
"We got it, we got it. Chow-wow-wow."
(audience laughing)
Sometimes, I do stuff just for myself.
(audience applauding)
But I've been doing research
on these dogs and i have—
I've read, and nobody believes this,
that a Yorkie,
it was actually a Chihuahua,
but a Yorkie can do it as well.
A Yorkie can kill.
A Yorkie can kill a German Shepherd.
This is written, proven, scientific truth.
They get caught in their throat.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
That's why you see German Shepherds
walking around, going,
(Ken choking)
"Yorkie. I got him at Taco Bell."
(audience laughing)
We have two dogs. I'm not even
gonna go into their names
'cause they're mixes, which means
they're not real dogs either.
It means that they're just,
but they're small.
We had to travel 1,200 miles
with those dogs.
Two dogs. Ah, this man's done this.
You've done something like this.
I can tell by the way you laughed
and how she punched you.
(audience laughing)
Every two hours, you have to stop
so the dogs can take a walk.
And you have to stop
or they might take a walk in your car.
And most of the time,
they just take a walk.
You gotta round them back up,
put them in the car. We're trying to
get to where we're going.
Finally, we stop at a hotel—
not a nice hotel.
This is a hotel that would take dogs.
(audience laughing)
That's why they—
see the people that do hotels say,
"You cannot be
"a really nice hotel like Marriott.
"No, you be doggy hotel."
(audience laughing)
And we went into the doggy hotel,
scariest place I've ever been.
They were dealing drugs in the lobby.
Now, a lot of times I make stuff up
or I will have a s—
(audience laughing)
You didn't know that before?
(audience laughing)
A lot of times, I will make stuff up
or I will, you know,
make a story bigger to make it funny.
This story is true.
This was the worst hotel,
scariest hotel I've ever seen,
ever seen in my life.
Two guys followed us to our room
and watched as we went.
Just stood there and watched
as we went into our room.
They had keys to the room.
When's the last time you saw
a key to a hotel room?
With a little piece of plastic on it
with your room number on it.
So if you drop your key,
you can meet the person that found it.
(audience laughing)
No inside security, nothing.
You know that little latch
so if somebody opens your door,
they can't get in? You hear it open
and call the police or whatever?
None of that. The only
security thing in the whole place
was a strip of paper
around the toilet lid
that said, "For your protection."
(audience laughing)
I slept with that.
(audience laughing)
You think I'm kidding.
Somebody break into our room,
I'm going, "Get away.
(audience laughing)
"You ever had a paper cut?"
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
We took the dogs for one final walk.
Put them to bed,
and crashed into bed, so tired.
About an hour later, I woke up.
I'm 73. At 73, I gotta take a couple
walks, myself.
(audience laughing)
Got up and, and
headed toward the bathroom.
Didn't wanna turn on the light.
Now, this is . . .
There isn't any exaggeration to this.
Went to turn on the light
through this half-dark room.
All of a sudden, the hair stood up
on the back of my neck.
I saw a movement out of the
corner of my eye
and looked over.
There was a man standing
in our little closet
in his underwear.
And I instinctively hit at him
and almost broke my fist
on the mirror that was in there.
(audience laughing)
That little mirror that was
in the thing there.
(audience laughing)
It woke up my wife.
It woke her up. She said,
"What is it? What is it?"
I said, I've taken care of it, baby.
(audience laughing)
Took care of it.
(audience laughing)