- Do you ever worry that you are an insecure person?
Do you do things like check your partner's phone,
say things like, "Oh, you don't love me,"
because you're always waiting
for them to be disappointed in you?
Do you second guess it and go,
"I'm not going to go to the beach,
"I'm not going to go to that event
"because I haven't got a beach body,
"I don't look right"?
Do you shy away from invitations
because you feel insecure?
Do you doubt yourself,
things like, "I'm not going to go for that job.
"I'll never get it.
"I'm not going to do that. It wouldn't work out.
"I could never talk to people
"because I'm not interesting"?
If you answered yes to any
or, indeed, all of these questions, keep watching.
I'm going to show you how to switch insecurity
to be secure within yourself for good
with five easy but very powerful steps.
So what is insecurity
and how does it manifest in everyday life?
Well, we know what secure is.
"I'm secure within myself.
"I'm secure in my relationship.
"I'm secure in my talent,
"in my skill, in my career,"
but it's easy to be insecure.
"I'm waiting for my relationship to end.
"I expect people to drop me.
"I'm worried I'll get fired,
"whatever I do, I think, 'I really wasn't good enough.
"'It could have been better.
"'I could have, would have, should have worked harder.'"
So insecurity means that you don't believe in yourself.
You don't feel worthy.
You're not secure in who you are
and what you can do.
And as a parent, one of the things you must do
is to bring up secure children.
Well, that can be really hard.
So, insecure, you know what that looks like,
"I'm saying to people, 'Am I okay?
"'Do I look okay today?'
"I'm giving someone else permission
"to make me believe in me."
Security means, "I believe in me.
"And because I know I'm good,
"I know I'm great at IT or fantastic at cooking
"or amazing at gardening or decorating,
"and if I know it,
"I don't even need you to agree because I know."
So a secure person gives themselves reassurance.
An insecure person asks someone else.
But you see, when you do that,
"Hey, could you tell me I'm okay?
"Could you say I'm okay?"
It never works.
And when they go, "Yeah, you're great,"
A, you don't believe in them,
B, when they're not there anymore,
you're back to being insecure.
Secure comes from you.
You can't get security out there,
but you can get it in here.
And I'm going to show you how.
What is the root cause of insecurity?
It comes from comparing yourself.
No baby says, "I don't have a Baby Dior onesie,
"I don't have an amazing nursery
"or an incredible, top-of-the-range stroller,
"so I guess I'm not enough."
A baby has no idea.
So we are not born insecure.
After all, when you are born,
think of something, when you were a baby,
you demanded to be fed, even at 4 a.m.
If you didn't like the food,
you threw it up all over
your just washed and pressed little top,
because you didn't think,
"Oh, that might upset my mom.
"That might upset my dad."
Insecurity is learnt.
It's very easy to become insecure.
And it starts when you get compared.
"Your sister, she could read when she was five.
"Your brother, he never got food all over the table.
"Your cousin, she's so good at math."
And then we go to school,
and schools often do a really bad job of comparing.
And they stream, after all,
they've got the top grade
and the middle grade and the bottom grade,
and kids feel bad.
You know, I took my daughter to school,
she said, "Mommy, look at that girl.
"She can write her name in a box.
"And I can't do it." I'm like,
"Darling, your name is Phaedra.
"It's got a 'P' and an 'H' and an 'A'
"and an 'E' and a 'D' and an 'R'.
"But this girl is called Ami.
"That's an 'A', an 'M', and an 'I'.
"And one day, everyone will get their name in a box.
"And by the way, what about this kid
"called Theodora or Diamantopoulos?
"How are they going to get their name in a box?"
But I could see, even at four,
this school praising some kids and not others.
"If you can get your name in a box, you're better,"
and that's wrong.
Social media does it too.
You've got to have big hair and thin thighs.
But if you've got thin hair and big thighs,
you don't count.
We get overexposed every day to fake images of perfection,
everyone is thin
with two half grapefruits stuck up here.
And we look at images and think,
"Oh, I don't look like that. I don't feel like that.
"My kids aren't that. My home isn't like that."
And comparing yourself is guaranteed
to make you insecure.
And now there are sites you can go on
asking them to rate you.
"Rate me." Don't ask someone else to rate you.
It doesn't matter what they do. Rate yourself.
I met a very, very old boyfriend years ago,
and he took me to his house and went,
"Oh, this is my ex-girlfriend. She's a B-model."
I'm like, "Oh, I didn't know you graded people like an egg."
I thought, "Wow, I'm so glad I left you.
"You're telling me your girlfriend is a B-model.
"Not an A-model, but also not a C-model, a B-model.
"So she hasn't quite made the grade."
And I felt like saying,
"You sound like a C-boyfriend to me
"since we're grading people here.
"She's a B-model, but you're actually a Z-boyfriend
"because I would never grade my boyfriend or my daughter or
"go, 'Yeah, I've got B-friends.
"'I've got C-friends and D-friends.'"
In my life, everyone I love is an A.
And so that's the problem.
Don't give someone permission
to grade you and to mark you, mark yourself.
And when your kid comes and says, "Mommy,
"what do you think of my drawing?"
Say, "What do you think?"
They go, "I think it's amazing."
Go, "So do I."
We have to learn to praise ourselves
and believe in ourselves
or how can anyone else,
if you don't believe in you,
I promise you, it'll be much harder for anyone else to.
And when you do believe in you,
it's easier for everyone to believe in you.
And how does being insecure affect relationships?
Well, here's the truth, neediness is a turn-off.
It is really unattractive.
And confidence is incredibly sexy.
You know that song, "Miss Independent,
"that's why I love her."
We don't really like neediness. It makes us anxious.
So it makes a relationship unstable.
If you're always saying, "I know you're going to leave me.
"When are you going to leave me?
"You might as well just leave me now. I know that you're...
"Why are you looking at that girl?
"She's better than me.
"Oh, you think that guy is cuter than I am."
And when you keep presenting that in your relationship,
there's nothing the other person can do
to make you feel you love them
because you don't believe them.
You are insecure and needy
and it makes your entire relationship insecure and needy.
This kind of stuff,
"Tell me how much you love me.
"Show me how much you love me.
"Tell me you're never going to leave me.
"Prove to me you won't go,"
actually doesn't work at all.
So how can you release insecurities
in five powerful steps?
Well, the first one is to be responsible
for your security.
"Responsibility" means
an ability to respond.
So wherever you're going, take a minute and go,
"Hey, I matter. I'm significant. I'm enough.
"I'm lovable just the way I am."
And then they go, "That's not true."
It doesn't matter.
When you're going, "Oh, I'm not good enough.
"I'm just a B or a C or a D or an E,
"I'm not an A,"
that isn't true either.
The way you feel about everything
is down to the pictures you make in your head
and the words you say to yourself.
Start saying, "I matter, I'm lovable.
"I'm warm. I'm a great person.
"I've got something to offer,
"there's someone out there who would love
"to have a relationship with me.
"I am someone's fantasy dream come true,"
because you know what?
You actually are.
So the first step is to think about the words
that would make you secure.
"I love you. You're so great.
"You're the one," and say them yourself,
even if it feels silly.
Fill yourself up with the words you need to hear.
Don't wait for someone else to say them,
say them yourself and they will sink in.
So the first step, tell yourself the words
that you are waiting to hear.
The second step is to focus
on what's great about you.
You've got a good heart. You're a nice person.
You've got a life to share with someone.
So the second step is to really focus
on your qualities and your attributes.
The third step is to sing a different song.
Find a great song like, "Unforgettable,
"that's what I am."
Keep singing it to yourself
In singing the lyrics of a song
as if they are about you,
then you actually start to really get
into the groove of believing you are lovable.
Step four is to imagine
how all of your relationships will benefit
from you being secure.
Your relationship with your person,
your relationship with your friends,
your parents, your kids, your colleagues
can only benefit when you are secure.
So really take a minute to look
at the difference it would make.
And step five is to start to imagine,
"What does a secure person do?"
See, a secure person doesn't go,
"I'm so sorry.
"Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.
"I'm sorry I'm so needy.
"I'm sorry I can't work that out
"and you've got to help me.
"I'm sorry I'm so difficult."
They say, "Thank you.
"Thanks for waiting for me.
"Thanks for helping me with that IT project.
"Thank you so much for explaining
"what this SEO thing is,
"I didn't get it, thank you.
"Thanks for being so patient, so understanding.
"Thanks for putting up with me today,
"I know I was a bit difficult."
So look at a secure person and start to model them.
A secure person doesn't apologize.
They don't go, "Oh, am I okay?"
They go, "Hey, I'm okay."
And if you look at secure people,
they leave clues everywhere they go.
And they say things like,
"Oh, no. That doesn't feel right.
"No, that's not working."
Somebody was very rude to me once,
and I said, "You know what?
"I don't let people speak to me like that."
And he went, "I speak to everyone like that."
And I said, "Well, perhaps they've all been letting it,
"but I don't allow it.
"You can't talk to me like that."
They went, "Okay, sorry.
"I'll make an exception for you,"
because we show people how far to push us.
Again, what does it look like to be secure?
What does it sound like? What does it feel like?
Because you have the power
to know what it looks like
and to make it look like that for you,
to know what it feels like and to feel it,
to give yourself the words.
You can become secure within yourself.
If you know what insecure looks like, flip that over.
What's the opposite? "I'm not needy.
"I don't give someone else the power
"to make me feel good or bad.
"I do it myself," because when you massively increase
your sense of self-worth,
self-value, and self-image,
everyone around you will increase
their sense of your worth and value and image too.
You've just got to do it yourself first.
So take an active role in your self-improvement.
Join my '21-Day Unstoppable Confidence Challenge.'
When you feel confident, everything changes,
the world is a better place.
Everything you have doesn't mean enough
unless you have confidence.
When you have confidence,
it's the icing and the cherry on the cake,
and it makes everything better.
Confidence is something you can have
for the rest of your life.
Join the '21-Day Challenge' and you'll see how.
And by the end of it, it will be yours.