There's some promising news in the search for a vaccine.
Oxford University has announced that,
thanks to a head start that they got
from their years of research on the MERS virus,
their COVID-19 vaccine is already showing positive results
and could be available as early as September.
And, guys, can I tell you something?
I am so excited to get a vaccine.
Like, as soon as I get a vaccine,
the first thing I'm gonna do is make plans
with all of my friends that I have no intention of keeping.
"We have to do something, man!"
"It's been too long. We got to catch up."
"Are we doing this thing or not? Well, you know I'm always--
"I'm already in. I've been in.
(chuckles) Okay, I'll see you there."
And then I send a last-minute text saying I can't make it,
I switch off my phone, and I stay at home.
Ooh! (chuckles) I can't wait for the vaccine.
Before you join me in my excitement,
there's something you should know.
So far, the vaccine has only worked on monkeys.
And, honestly, I don't know how to feel about that.
Because it's our virus,
but now we're testing it on them?
Like, how would we feel if monkeys tested diseases on us,
like they did with AIDS?
Here's something no one's thought of.
If we test the vaccine on monkeys,
monkeys could become immune to coronavirus before us.
Yeah. Then they get to get haircuts and go bowling.
And the next thing you know, Planet of the Apes.
But, anyway, congratulations to Oxford University
on their potential vaccine breakthrough.
Oh, and congratulations to the University of Phoenix
for their discovery that you have to peel an orange
before you eat it. (chuckles)
Keep studying, guys.
In other news, every day we have to deal
with the horrible consequences of this pandemic.
It's taken away our freedom.
It's taken away our social lives.
And now it's even taken away people's pants.
CBS and UPS say, initially,
the final leg of prescriptions' journeys
will be done by ground carriers,
so people won't be getting their medication
dropped out of the sky, into their mailbox just yet.
But the companies do say they will scale up the program
if it is successful, guys.
Very cool. We love it, Will. Thank you.
Okay, if I wanted to get my news from a guy not wearing pants,
I would just go on the subway.
And, you know what, props to the other anchors
for playing it cool.
Although it would have been great if,
when they came back to the studio,
one of those anchors was just like,
"Thank you so much for that, William.
I kind of expected that report to be a little... longer."
But this just goes to show
that people are getting too comfortable working from home.
Just because you're at home
doesn't mean you're not at work, people.
And I'll be honest-- I'm a little guilty of this myself,
which I'm sure some of you noticed
if you paid attention to last night's show.
Donald Trump, you look like an idiot.
Have some self-respect.
All right, and, finally,
if you're sick of all the news being only about coronavirus
and wish we all had something else to talk about,
good news-- your wish just came true.
If everything going on right now wasn't odd enough for you,
take a look at this.
The Pentagon releasing these videos
of what they are calling "unidentified aerial phenomena."
They were filmed by some Navy pilots for the last two decades.
The Pentagon says that these videos are being released now
to "clear up any misconceptions"
after they were previously leaked
but that the objects remain unidentified.
Okay, first of all, no.
Second of all, hell no.
How's the Pentagon gonna choose now
to tell us that there might be aliens just flying around?
We've got so much shit on our plate right now.
Coronavirus is happening.
I got to watch The Last Dance.
Apparently, I'm expected to wash both hands now.
And your thumbs. Thumbs.
And, let's be honest, if aliens arrived now,
that would totally suck,
because they'd land in the middle of Times Square
and just be like, "We're here to share our technology
"and all the secrets--
"Oh, I guess this planet is deserted.
"Well, let's go home.
(chuckles) That monkey has a cool haircut."
Now, because the Pentagon has said there might be aliens,
some people are trying to come up with theories
as to why they might be here.
Some people think they want to kill us.
Some think they want to save us.
But we don't know.
We don't know anything.
What if the aliens get here and they're just like,
"Greetings, humans.
"We do not need anything on this planet.
We just came back to fetch our pet dodos."
"Your pet dodos?"
"Yes, the dodos. Those were our pets.
So precious to us."
"Ah. Ah.
Can we give you chickens instead?"
"Why would we want chickens?"
"Uh, we-we might have killed all the dodos."
"Who would kill a dodo?"
"Yeah, d-- we don't even know why.
We just-- we just-- we just killed them."
"I assume you've seen John Wick,
so you know how this has to go."
(clicking, trilling)