One of our viewers requested, "Doctor Paul, how do I help a child with ADHD without
medication?" I've got some ideas about that. When I shifted over to positive
psychology, I quit giving diagnoses to my clients. I haven't done it in a decade.
And yet, my experience in child psychology had me working a lot with
children diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, ADHD.
Whether your child has a legitimate diagnosis or not, I think some of the
principles that we can discuss here today are going to be helpful. And I'm
starting with something that I've reiterated many times on this channel.
Listen carefully. Your job as a parent is to love them no matter what and even if.
We're starting with that because everything else I can share with you is
simply manipulation if you lose track of that. That is so key, so essential. Don't
be deceived into thinking your job is to make sure that they... anything. Especially
with an ADHD child. Because you don't have that kind of control. Your job is to
love them no matter what and even if. Focus in on that, hone in on it and let's
move from there and build some other skills. Here's another thing that I focus
on in my coaching with parents all the time. Shift your focus. Is this about you
as a parent or is this about your child and your child's well-being? Shifting the
focus from me as a parent over to my child puts me in a position of power and
influence as a parent. But it also becomes much more palatable and
attractive to the child. So, you can have a better level of influence. This is easy
to violate as a parents. Because we get so focused on what we want our kids to
do. Well notice where the focus is. It focuses on what I want. What would be
convenient for me, what would help my life as a
parent. Then I'm off. I got a shift that focus back over to my child. What is in
my child's best interest? Now, I'm going to throw you a bone here as a parent
because it is in your child's best interest for them to behave properly. For
them to make better decisions, for them to cooperate and obey. That's in their
interest. But that simple shift from what I want is a parent to what's best for my
child, that is going to go a long way to help
you help your child. The next thing I'm going to recommend is you work with a
kid who has ADHD or really any kid is to get better at implementing consequences.
And doing that in a way that separates the emotion from the discipline. This is
key because the emotional energy you take into a discipline setting is going
to make a big difference on how well it is received by your child or the impact
that it's going to have on what you're trying to accomplish in the first place.
So, let me give you a tool that's going to help with this. It's a phrase. And I want
you to practice this phrase as often as you can and your parenting. "Either way,
it's really okay with me." Try it. Just try saying that. "Either way is really okay
with me." This implies a few things. It implies that you've just given them a
choice or you've just illuminated to them that they have a couple of
different directions they can go. And you've also indicated that you're
emotionally detached from the outcome. "Either way it's really okay with me."
The psychology behind this is important because if you give your kid 2 choices
and you're okay with one but not the other, which one are they going to pick? And
how do they do this? They've got some uncanny ability to pick the one you
don't want them to pick. Well, if you detach emotionally from the outcome, you
really are okay with either way. Here's an example. With a younger child, "Buddy,
you can get into the are under your own power or under my
power. Either way is really okay with me." You
know, I'm talking about a young child. Maybe 3 years old. They've got to get
into a car seat. Can you enforce that? Yes, you can. That's why you're really okay
with either way. He can get into the car on his own. Fine with that. Or you can get
into the car under my power. Fine with that too. Here's another
example maybe using the same example. You can get into the car yelling and
screaming and complaining or quietly and peacefully. Either way it's really okay
with me. Now normally, you're not okay with the screaming and crying, right? But what
if you were? Oh, that changes the energy. And the dynamics of this interaction. So,
get okay with either way. You don't control whether your child is kicking
and screaming or going cooperatively. Get okay with either way and then it shifts
the responsibility back to the child. Here's an example for an older kid. "Honey,
you can do the dishes on your own or you can hire somebody else to do it for you."
Either way it's really okay with me. Okay, that's another great example. For an
older kid who's expected to help out with the dishes. And maybe she doesn't
want to help out with the dishes. Well notice, I'm not giving her a choice of
doing the dishes or not doing the dishes. I'm giving you a choice of doing it on
her own or hiring someone else to do it. And there's some strategies on that
second choice. Hiring someone else to do it? Who is she going to hire? She probably
doesn't know a dishwashing service that she can call up and prepay for services.
So, probably she's going to hire me if she chooses that option. See? And she hired me
by default. And my fees are really high. So, she probably doesn't want to hire me
very many times. That has to do with following through the consequences. And
we go over that and some other videos and in the coaching and courses that we
provide. So, I won't go into a lot of detail about that now, But you get to
feel, okay? Where you can detach yourself from the outcome. While we're talking
about discipline, let's get in to something that I think is really
going to help with ADHD kids especially that any kid who's got some executive
functioning challenges and what kid doesn't. We want to give them learning
opportunities. And I like to structure these in a way that allows us to have
some level of control and oversight. Here's an example of one that I've done
with several kids who have been officially diagnosed with ADHD. I keep
little self sticky notes here at my office and I have several at home too
where you can you can stick it to something like that. And with some of the
kids that I've worked with. I'll take one of these notes and I'll write in my
handwriting "Monday". And then I'll tear it off and I'll stick it to them. Maybe it's
stuck right there to their sleeve, okay? And then I'll write "Tuesday". And I'll
stick that one to their knee somewhere. And then "Wednesday". And you get the
picture until I get a full week's worth of these little notes that have
different days of the week written in my handwriting. And then I give them a
challenge. And the challenge is to place this note on their mother's mirror by
7 o'clock a.m. every morning on the day that it's written. Mom's job is to
check and see if the notes there. And if it is she signs it and puts it back, then
the child's task is to take that note back before 8 o'clock P-M. with the
signature on it. And then I put some parameters around that like, "Mom, you
don't get to remind your child to either put the note up or to take it down. You
don't get to do that. You just simply sign it if it's there by 7 o'clock A-M.
And you do not sign it if it's not there by 7 o'clock A.M. no matter when it
shows up. You are also to destroy the note if it's still there after 8 o'clock
P-M and no reminder." So, you get how I kind of set this up? probably the hardest
part about this experiment is mom not reminding the kids. Remember, what we're
trying to do is train executive functioning. So, in this particular
learning experiment, we set up a reward at the end
of the week if they have successfully done those tasks every day on their own
without reminders. They get a fairly big payoff. And I usually have that payoff be
something that mom contributed a portion and the kid contributes to portion. Just to
simplify it, this might be a school-aged child. Let's say 8, 9, 10 years old.
Mom contributes $25. Kid contributes $25 or the equivalent thereof. So, there's a
$50 pot and they get the whole thing if they successfully complete the challenge.
They get nothing if they fail. Interesting experiment both for the
child and for the mom. With attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or any
executive functioning problem that kids have, we're really trying to help them
start to turn on their own executive ability to monitor their own behavior. So,
this is just an example of how to set up a specific learning opportunity. Now,
finally. I think ADHD is over diagnosed typically in our society. I think it's
one way that we say, "Hey, it's hard for me to deal with this kids behaviors." But
there are some kids who legitimately have a diagnosis that has something to
do with the way their brain is working. So, I want you at the end of this video
to consider the medication. I'm not saying you should get it. But remember, we
started this out with how do I help a kid with ADHD without medication. That's
what we've been talking about in the video. But when push comes to shove, if
this is a legitimate diagnosis and if you've tried a number of these things
without success, the research shows that untreated attention deficit
hyperactivity disorder leads to a much higher risk of disruptive behavior in
the future including illegal activity, substance abuse, self injurious behavior.
There are a lot of things we don't want to have happen if it goes untreated. So,
try these things but be open to and consider the possibility of
medication and consult with a qualified medical professional about that if that
becomes the issue for you. We've got other videos on this and other topics
in the positive parenting playlist. Make sure that you check that out. And if you
haven't yet got a copy of my book --Pathological Positivity, that is a great
place to start as you consider other options like coaching or programs that
are available. Get this one first. DrPaulJenkins.com. There's a link in the
description. Click on the big orange button once you get there and let's get
this into your hands as soon as possible.