[SIGHS]
You know what?
They don't make replacement batteries for this one.
Uh, no, the ice cream truck only plays that song
when it's out of ice cream.
Oh, this?
This is mommy's medicine.
[BELLS JINGLE]
Ho, ho, ho.
[EXHALES]
Parents are liars.
But they don't have to be.
It can feel scary to tell the truth.
But the truth will set you free.
Woo!
That was profound.
Anyways, today, we are going to take common lies that parents
tell their kids and turn them into truths.
It's time to get honest, y'all.
(RAPPING) To all you moms out there,
hey, you're doing it right.
[THEME MUSIC]
I am here with some liars.
I'm sorry.
I mean, moms.
Look, there is no judgment here.
We all do it.
We all lie a little bit, and we tell ourselves
that it's because we want to protect them.
But telling the truth can be uncomfortable.
So really, are we protecting them?
Or are we protecting ourselves?
Maybe a bit of both.
A bit of both, right?
[LAUGHTER]
I'm going to read some facts about lying.
45% of parents tell their children a white lie at least
once a week.
20% of them called them "well-meaning untruths" daily.
Feels, like a well-meaning untruth
is just like a white lie in a tuxedo.
70% of parents teach their kids that lying is wrong.
What are the other 30% teaching them, guys?
You know, when my husband was in the second grade,
he had heard the term "butt humper" on the playground.
And at dinner, he asked his mom, what is a butt humper?
Like, what is that?
And she-- I kid you not-- in between bites of broccoli
said, well, there are a lot of nerve endings in the anus,
and um, some people enjoy that sensation, and others do not.
And she is my hero.
Tell me a recent lie that you have told to your kids.
My kids are very picky, but they love steak.
So anything that I put on a plate, it's just steak, honey.
You know what?
We do that with chicken too.
So whether it's steak, or it's salmon, it's just pink chicken.
Yeah.
Pink chicken.
[LAUGHTER]
I don't know that I can--
I don't have an issue with this one.
No?
All right, that's a pass.
That's a pass.
I'm not a huge park mom.
I want to be.
I wish I was.
But I get so bored so quickly.
And so we were driving by.
And he was like, can we go to the playground?
And I was like, you know what?
The squirrels took over the playground [INAUDIBLE]
last night.
And they left a mess.
And unfortunately--
It's not open.
When my kids were little, I talked to them
about elf on the shelf.
So I would always tell them, if you touch him, he will die.
Oh, OK.
And literally this year, they caught me moving him.
Moving him?
I felt like such a bad mom.
My 10-year-old was like, Mom, did you just kill Eli?
I'm like--
Oh, no.
I have a very controversial viewpoint about the whole Santa
Claus thing because when I had kids,
we got so excited initially to do Santa Claus.
And then my three-year-old, she looked at us
and said, just doesn't make sense.
Oh, no.
So I said, you are absolutely right.
And we got this great book called "The Wonderful Truth
About Santa Claus," which explains why you shouldn't say
it at school, but it also explains
why, if anybody gives a gift without saying who it's from,
they are a Santa Claus.
Anyway, I get a lot of flak for that, but I stand by it.
And my littlest one, who I've told numerous times,
no, we do not have a man that breaks and enters once a year
and have a bunch of exotics on the roof.
That doesn't happen.
And she still believes in him.
So it's like, what are you going to do?
I want to ask you guys some more questions.
But just for fun, because I had had it in my purse,
I brought a lie detector.
[INTENSE MUSIC]
OK?
[BEEPING]
Is your name Jackie Lyon?
Yes.
[DING]
Do you have two children?
Yes.
[DING]
When you were giving birth, did you ever want your husband just
to shut the hell up?
No, never.
That's true.
[DING]
You're a good woman.
Who's your favorite Frozen character, Anna or Elsa?
Anna?
She said that in a question.
Does that even count?
Have you ever peed in a pool?
Yes.
Pee in the shower?
All the time.
[DING]
Do we ever get to the toilet?
Kristen, are you wearing a purple dress?
Yes.
True.
Do you think a finger-shaped after-dinner snack
is a good description of a Cheeto?
Yes.
True.
[DING]
Do you think that you do more of the parenting
than your husband does?
Don't we all?
John just told me with his eyes that that
was the most honest answer he's ever received.
What's your favorite Frozen character, Anna or Elsa?
Anna.
[DING]
Yes.
Do you have a favorite kid?
Yes.
True.
[DING]
What's the worst curse word you've
said in front of your kid?
It's not a yes or no.
I just was curious.
I used to say [BLEEP] ass a lot.
Don't judge me.
[BLEEP] ass?
I don't know.
My son started saying it, and I would always say [BLEEP] ass.
And then he started calling people [BLEEP] asses.
And that's when I tried to stop using that word.
That's a brilliant combination, though.
I know.
When you were in France and you got a massage
from a sexy masseuse, was there any hanky-panky?
I wish.
True.
[DING]
Right?
Are you sick of sloths?
No.
[INTENSE MUSIC]
That's a lie.
[BUZZER]
[LAUGHS]
If you had the chance--
Yes.
Would you sleep with Brad Pitt?
No.
That's a lie.
Brad, come on out.
Just kidding.
He's not here.
My husband is dying to sleep with Brad Pitt.
I would let him.
I would.
Speaking of, have you ever had a threeway?
No.
[DING]
OK, that was one of John's questions.
This one is from your husband.
No.
I-- I'm scared.
Have you ever put fingernail trimmings
on someone's active dinner plate?
[LAUGHS]
It was not an active plate.
He finished the meal.
I was trimming my nails.
I had one.
I put it on the plate that he was done with.
And then all of a sudden, he gets hungry again and said,
that's my active dinner plate.
[INTENSE MUSIC]
True.
[DING]
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]
I just want to say thank you so much for spending
the day with me.
Thank you so much.
Nice to see you.
This was everything.
Except you.
I want you to stay for a second because I got a couple more
questions to ask you.
So nice to meet you.
Thank you so much.
Such a pleasure.
Jackie.
Is your husband's name Robert?
Yes.
[DING]
Do you share a company car with your husband?
Yes.
Do you have your own car?
[DING]
No.
[DING]
Would a new car make your family's life better?
Unbelievably yes.
[DING]
Would you think I was lying if I told
you there's a new car outside, and I wanted to give it to you?
Yes.
Do you want to go outside and see it?
Are you serious right now?
[SCREAMING]
Oh, my gosh.
Ah!
[SCREAMING]
[LAUGHS]
No way!
Oh, my God!
Surprise!
[SCREAMING]
This is great.
You're supposed to be working.
This is your new car.
Oh, my goodness.
Our friends at Hyundai wanted to make your life better
with the Hyundai Santa Fe.
This car is loaded with a whole bunch of technology, trunk
space, and safety features so you can feel confident
driving all your family.
Oh, my god.
I don't know what to say.
You deserve it.
Thank you.
You're so welcome.
All right, Lyon family, I hope that this car takes you
on the journey to truth town.
It is bumpy, but it's fun.
And don't forget to tell your kids about butt humping.