>> I AM THE DESTROYER OF
MOUNTAINS, THE KILLER OF KINGS,
I ALWAYS FLY BY YET I DON'T HAVE
WINGS.
I CAN END BASKETBALL GAMES OR
MARRIAGES WITH SIMILAR EASE, AND
THOUGH I FLOW LIKE A STREAM,
ONLY WATER CAN FREEZE.
I'VE MURDERED PARENTS AND
CHILDREN AND HOUSE PLANTS
GALORE, YET DESPITE ALL THIS,
YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE.
WHO AM I?
I'M DENNY BOFFA, AMATEUR RIDDLE
WRITER, FORMER FATHER, AND
INVENTOR OF THE BROOMSHAKALAKA,
THE ALL-IN-ONE MULTIPURPOSE
BROOM.
AND IF YOU HAVEN'T GUESSED IT,
THE ANSWER TO MY RIDDLE WAS
"TIME."
TIME. TIME.
HEY, HOW MUCH DO WE WASTE OF
THAT SWEET STUFF?
DON'T YOU WISH YOU COULD TAKE
SOME OF THAT TIME BACK?
DON'T YOUDESERVE IT?
NOW IT'S YOURS.
SWEEP AWAY YOUR CLEANING
SUPPLIES!
SWEEP AWAY YOUR TOOLS!
SWEEP AWAY YOUR KITCHENWARE!
SWEEP AWAY YOUR YOUR
GARDENING STUFF!
HEY, YOU COULD EVEN SWEEP AWAY
YOUR TOILET PAPER!
I DON'T CARE.
SWEEP IT ALL AWAY!
YOU CAN EVEN SWEEP YOUR OLD
BROOM AWAY.
[ CLATTERS ]
SWEEP AWAY ALL YOUR WORRIES WITH
THE BROOMSHAKALAKA!
NOW, OVER THE NEXT...10 MINUTES,
I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW EASY IT
IS TO USE TO USE THIS
HOUSEHOLD TOOL THAT WILL CHANGE
YOUR LIFE AND SAVE YOU TIME.
AND TO HELP ME DEMONSTRATE, I'D
LIKE TO WELCOME SOME FRIENDS OF
MINE.
HEY, MARK!
HEY, EILEEN!
COME ON OUT!
>> HI, DENNY.
THANKS FOR HAVING US.
>> OH, HEY!
THANKS FOR COMING.
SAY, EILEEN, COULD YOU HAND ME
THAT BIG BOWL OF ASH?
>> SURE, NO PROB WHOOPS!
SORRY, DENNY.
ASH IS IMPOSSIBLE TO SWEEP UP.
>> WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT
SWEEPING?
ASHES TO ASHES, DUST TO BUST!
[ MOTOR WHIRRING ]
>> HOLY [BLEEP]
UH...CAN I SWEAR?
>> NO.
>> UH, WOW.
THAT'S AMAZ
>> YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET!
THE INDUSTRIAL-GRADE BLOWER IS
ONLY ONE OF THE MANY FUNCTIONS
THAT I ESTIMATE WILL SAVE YOU
OVER NINE WHOLE HOURS OVER THE
COURSE OF THE YEAR.
FOLKS, MY GOAL TODAY IS FOR
2,550 OF YOU VIEWERS TO GET BACK
THAT TIME YOU DESERVE!
>> PUT ME DOWN FOR ONE.
I SPEND WAY TOO MUCH TIME
CLEANING.
>> OH, THE BROOMSHAKALAKA'S FOR
MORE THAN JUST CLEANING, EILEEN.
WITH A SIMPLE TWIST OF THE DIAL,
IT'S THE IDEAL TOOL FOR THE
BATHROOM...
[ GRUNTS ]
...THE KITCHEN...
OR THE GARDEN.
>> OH, UH, DENNY, ARE YOU SURE
THAT THING'S SAFE?
>> ABSOLUTELY, MARK.
YOU KNOW, I USED TO HAVE A
DAUGHTER MYSELF, SO I KNOW HOW
IMPORTANT SAFETY IS.
THE GARDEN EDGER'S MOTION SENSOR
WILL SHUT IT DOWN AS SOON AS I
COME WITHIN A DICK-WIDTH OF THE
BLADE.
AAH!
>> HOLY [BLEEP]
>> AAAAAAAAAAH!
>> [ STAMMERS ]
WHAT DO WE
THE BROOMSHAKALAKA...
IS HEAVIER THAN YOU'D THINK.
>> B-BUT THAT'S GOOD 'CAUSE THAT
MEANS IT'S QUALITY.
>> YEAH, RI EXACTLY. RIGHT.
SO, IT'S GOT OTHER FEATURES,
T-TOO, YEAH.
LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT HERE.
UM...
UH...
>> OH! HUH.
>> W-WHAT IS THIS?
FROSTING?
YEAH.
NO. IT'S A CAULK GUN.
[BLEEP]
>> I DON'T KNOW...
>> [ SPITS ]
>> ALL RIGHT!
OH, HEY!
HEY, I'M BACK!
HEY, DID YOU KNOW THAT THE
BROOMSHAKALAKA CAN SAVE YOU UP
TO NINE HOURS PER YEAR?
AND SINCE IT'S GOT A 30-YEAR
WARRANTY, THAT MEANS YOU'RE
GONNA SAVE OVER 11 DAYS OVER THE
LIFE OF THE BROOM!
>> DENNY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
>> I'M FINE!
BUT THE VIEWERS AT HOME WON'T BE
UNLESS THEY ORDER NOW BECAUSE
TIME IS BLEEDING OUT.
SAY, MARK, YOU LOOK KIND OF
HUNGRY.
DID I JUST HEAR YOUR STOMACH
GROWLING?
>> UH, NO, ACTUALLY, I'M REALLY
NAUSEOUS.
>> WELL, MAYBE IT WAS YOURS
THEN, EILEEN.
HEY, COULD YOU HAND ME A BANANA?
HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE FOCUSING
MY VISION RIGHT NOW.
>> THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE LOSING A
LOT OF BLOOD.
>> THE ONLY THING I'M LOSING
RIGHT NOW IS PATIENCE.
I ASKED FOR A BANANA.
>> THAT IS A BANANA.
>> OKAY, GREAT!
HEY, LET'S GO AHEAD AND TURN
THAT BANA-"NAH" INTO A
BANA-"YEAH!" WITH THE
BROOMSHAKALAKA'S BLENMNER MODE.
>> DENNY, COME ON.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE IN ANY
CONDITION TO OPERATE A BLENDER.
>> WELL, NON NONSENSE!
YOU KNOW, WITH THE
BROOMSHAKALAKA, BLENDING ALWAYS
GOES SMOOTHIE.
JUST GOT TO TURN THE DIAL...
NOPE, THAT'S A PUTTER.
THAT'S A RAKE.
DOG-BONE DISPENSER.
OH!
MILAH KNIFE FOR BRISES.
>> WHY THE HELL DOES A
BROOMSHAKALAKA HAVE THAT?
>> WELL, DON'T MAKE A MOUNTAIN
OUT OF A MOHEL.
HEY, YOU KNOW, IT WORKS GREAT.
I TESTED IT OUT ON MYSELF LAST
WEEK.
YOU JUST TAKE IT, PUT IT UNDER
THE FORESKIN.
HEY, MARK, YOU'RE NOT JEWISH,
ARE YOU?
>> NO.
UH, I MEAN...YES?
>> OH, DAMN, THAT WOULD HAVE
MADE SOME GREAT TV.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S ALSO FOR THE LADIES, TOO.
HEY EILEEN, YOU'RE NOT FROM
SIERRA LEONE, ARE YOU?
>> UH, I DEFINITELY AM.
>> OH, DAMN!
WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
AAAAAAAAH!
>> W-WHAT WAS THAT?!
>> THE BLOW TORCH.
PERFECT FOR THAT BANANAS FOSTER
THAT WE WERE TRYING TO MAKE ON
PURPOSE.
NOW, EILEEN, WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT
BROOMS?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Witches, witches...
>> WITCHES, WITCHES.
>> WITCHES! EXACTLY!
THE BROOMSHAKALAKA IS LIKE
MAGIC, "WITCH IS" EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'LL BE SAYING WHEN YOU SEE
HOW IT HANDLES...
>> OH!
>> ...INTERIOR DECORATING.
>> OH!
>> NOW, IF YOU'LL JUST FOLLOW
ME OVER HERE
>> NO, NO, WE'RE DONE!
WE'RE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL!
COME ON.
>> NO!
NO, I NEED TO SELL 2,550 BROOMS!
>> WHY?!
WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT THAT
NUMBER?
>> THE AVERAGE AMERICAN LIFE
EXPECTANCY IS 77.97 YEARS.
THAT'S 11,220 DAYS.
I NEED TO SELL 2,550 BROOMS.
THAT'S THE EQUIVALENT OF ONE
LIFE.
THAT'S THE EQUIVALENT OF MY
LITTLE MY LITTLE DAUGHTER'S
LIFE.
LITTLE JENNY BOFFA.
SHE WAS 12 YEARS OLD WHEN SHE
DIED.
SHE WAS DECAPITATED.
>> HOLY [BLEEP]
>> NOT BY THE BROOMSHAKALAKA.
>> OH, OKAY.
>> BY JIHADISTS.
>> MM-HMM.
>> THOSE WERE HER ASHES WE
SPREAD EARLIER.
>> THAT'S GROSS.
>> MY LITTLE JENNY.
>> COME ON, DENNY.
COME ON.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
COME ON, DENNY. LET'S GO.
>> COME ON.
YOU SAID THE BROOMSHAKALAKA'S
REALLY GREAT FOR INTERIOR
DECORATING?
>> YES!
>> EILEEN?
>> YES, IT'S GOT A PAINT ROLLER,
A STUD FINDER, A DECOUPAGE
SMOOTHER.
>> OH, STUD FINDER!
I WISH I HAD ONE OF THOSE AT THE
BAR LAST NIGHT!
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> I'M SAVING A LIFE!
>> Not his.
>> WELL, OBVIOUSLY, YEAH.
>> UH, O-OKAY.
HEY HEY, DENNY.
UH...WHY WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THIS AND GO OVER THERE AND, UH,
SHOW US MORE THINGS THAT THIS
BROOMSHAKALAKA CAN DO, HUH?
>> THIS IS OLD BROOM.
>> NO, NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS THE BROOMSHAKALAKA.
YOU'RE JUST HAVING TROUBLE
SEEING, REMEMBER?
RIGHT OVER THERE.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
YOU'RE NOT HELPING HIM.
YOU'RE KILLING HIM.
>> HIS WORDS SPOKE TO ME, MARK.
I, TOO, UNDERSTAND THE PAIN OF
LOSING SOMEONE YOU LOVE.
>> IS THIS ABOUT FRENCH FRIES?
>> SOMETIMES I WISH IT WAS ME
THAT FLEW OUT OF THAT PASSENGER
WINDOW.
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE THAT
CURVE SO DAMN FAST?
>> WE WERE LATE FOR HIS
APPOINTMENT TO THE VET.
>> I LOVED THAT DOG, AND YOU
KILLED HIM.
>> WE WERE GOING THERE TO PUT
DOWN.
>> YOU STOLE THE LAST FEW
MINUTES OF FRENCH FRIES' LIFE,
AND I'M GONNA GET THEM BACK!
THAT'S WHY WE NEED TO SELL 5,100
BROOMS!
>> LOOK, EVEN IF YOU CAN SAVE
ALL THAT TIME, IT'S JUST THE
EQUIVALENT OF A LIFE.
IT'S MATH.
IT'S NOT MAGIC.
YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND.
>> BUT THE BROOMSHAKALAKA HELPED
ME FIND MY RAISON D'ETRE WITH
THIS RADON DETECTAH!
[ BEEPING ]
>> WHY IS IT BEEPING?
WAIT. IS THERE RADON IN HERE?
>> I HURT MYSELF AGAIN.
>> WHAT? HOW?
I GAVE YOU A NORMAL BROOM.
>> YEAH, IT'S UP MY BUTT NOW,
THOUGH.
>> OH [BLEEP]
>> IT'S UP MY BUTT.
IT'S UP MY BUTT.
>> WHAT'S NEXT, DENNY?
>> THERE'S ONE LAST FUNCTION I
NEED TO SHOW YOU.
AAH!
UH, I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO
MAKE IT.
I WANT TO BE BURIED...
IN A JEWISH CEMETERY.
>> BUT DIDN'T YOU ALREADY
CIRCUMCISE YOURSELF?
>> YES, BUT THE TORAH FORBIDS
MAKING MARKS ON YOUR FLESH.
EILEEN, HURRY!
>> OH, GOD!
[ GASPS ] IS THAT...?
>> JENNY.
JUST AS BEAUTIFUL AS SHE WAS IN
REAL LIFE.
EILEEN, THE BROOMSHAKALAKA HAS A
TATTOO LASER REMOVAL...
>> NO.
>> ...CODE 4337!
>> EILEEN, NO!
>> 4337!
>> WHY SAY GOODBYE TO TATTOOS
WHEN YOU CAN SAY "SEE YA LASER"?
>> NO, NO, NO, NO!
NO, NO! NO!
HYAH!
I WILL NOT STAND HERE AND LET
YOU MUTILATE HIM!
>> [BLEEP]
>> THIS INFOMERCIAL IS OVER!
[BLEEP] DO YOU HEAR ME?
AAH!
>> IT'S IT'S WORKING!
MARK, KEEP FREAKING OUT!
>> WHAT?
>> KEEP SHOWCASING THE BROOM!
>> OH, NO!
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
STOP.
STOP BUYING THE BROOMSHAKALAKA!
>> WE DID IT, DENNY! HA HA!
WE SOLD 2,550 BROOMS!
DENNY?
BUT WE FINALLY SOLD THE...
>> IS HE DEAD?
>> WE SOLD 2,550 BROOMS.
>> SO?
DO YOU REALLY THINK HAWKING SOME
SUPERBROOM COULD
[ DOOR OPENS ]
>> ARE YOU THERE, DAD?
IT'S ME JENNY.
>> HOLY [BLEEP]
>> IT WORKED!
>> AND IF YOU BUY MORE, WE CAN
SAVE DENNY, TOO!
WE CAN SAVE EVERYONE!
>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THE MATH IS
IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!
>> Shh, Shh, Shh!
DON'T THINK, DON'T THINK!
JUST BELIEVE.
AND SELL!
DENNY, YOU'RE BACK!
>> AND SO ARE MY HANDS!
CHECK OUT THE BROOMSHAKALAKA'S
GUITAR MODE!
[ GUITAR STRUMMING ]
>> I CAN'T...
I CAN'T...
MEN, WOMEN, CHILDREN,
EVERYONE AT HOME...
I CAN'T PRETEND TO UNDERSTAND
WHAT HAPPENED HERE TODAY, BUT IF
YOU'VE EVER WANTED TO GET TIME
BACK...
IF YOU'VE EVER WANTED A SECOND
CHANCE TO RECLAIM WHAT'S
IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE...
IF OTHER BROOM MULTI-TOOLS HAVE
LET YOU DOWN...
THEN MAKE LIKE N'SYNC AND...
>> "BUY, BUY, BUY!"
[ DOG BARKS ]
>> FRENCH FR