♪♪
-Hey, everybody. Welcome to "Corrections."
August. End of August.
[ Laughter ]
I said "Cinnabun." It's Cinnabon.
[ Laughter ]
I've often got that wrong, and I looked it up,
and I guess one of the reasons they went with Cinnabon
is because "bon" is French for "good."
And if you've ever been in LaGuardia
holding a Cinnabon,
I think you've probably thought,
"This is how the French eat."
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of LaGuardia,
I said it would be a good pangram on Spelling Bee.
I was told by a bunch of Spelling Bee fans,
no, pangrams --
Spelling Bees do not accept proper nouns.
Also --
a lot of LaGuardia-themed errors this week, guys.
I talked about flying direct from LaGuardia to LAX.
There's no flight direct from LaGuardia to LAX...
because LAX won't allow flights from LaGuardia to land.
[ Laughter ]
But then we showed a ticket,
like a hypothetical ticket
for my nonexistent LaGuardia flight.
And the flight number was NY2356.
Multiple people said
that would be an Iceland Air flight
from Reykjavik to Egilsstadir.
[ Laughter ]
You have jackal hearts,
jackal brains,
eagle eyes.
I mean, what would a jackal with eagle eyes even look like?
I guess like this.
[ Laughter ]
Not available anywhere.
I talked about how when I do my Vince Vaughn impression,
it has to be three "buddies."
Buddy, buddy, buddy -- that's Vince Vaughn.
And that if you add a buddy, it's no longer Vince Vaughn.
It would be anybody when you go, "Buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy."
Some people said that's actually --
now you're doing Twiki,
the robot from "Battlestar Galactica."
[ Laughter ]
Buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy. [ Laughs ]
Not the new "Battlestar," the orig-- the classic,
the 1978 "Battlestar,"
which Shoemaker and I always talk about.
The best special effects.
[ Laughter ]
Timeless.
Watch it now, it's not dated at all.
And, I hate to say it...
no offense to the big guy upstairs,
but when you ask me who my favorite Canadian Lorne is...
Lorne Greene.
[ Laughter ]
Close number two.
The great Lorne Greene.
But now I think you...
Now, after somebody's made this --
buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy.
Like, now I want a remake of "Battlestar"
with Owen Wilson as Starbuck
and Vince Vaughn as Twiki.
[as Wilson] Hey, I think that girl over there
is looking at me.
[as Vaughn] Buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy.
[as Wilson] She's a Cylon?!
[ Laughter ]
Wow!
[Normal voice] Alright, so, like two weeks ago,
we made a knitting --
you know, we basically conflated knitting and crochet.
And then last week, I guess, maybe even two weeks ago,
I read a comment -- a very foul-mouthed comment
from someone in the knitting community.
And then my observation was, "Well, I guess my stereotype
was wrong about knitters."
I did not think that they were prone to cursing.
Based on saying that,
I caught a world of hell.
And I should say, what happened was
it seemed like a very popular --
a very nice woman who seems to be of the knitting community.
She clipped out just me talking about knitting
from "Corrections," and I cannot stress this enough --
"Corrections" is meant to be seen as a whole.
[ Laughter ]
Ideally, you have to watch all of them.
If you're coming in late, you're missing so much.
So, anyways, I guess she posts, like, you know,
"Here, this Seth Meyers thing is about knitters."
And they have come after me.
And so I would say now about knitters --
here's my new stereotype.
You are of various -- you are of all ages,
curse like sailors,
don't have a great sense of humor about knitting jokes.
[ Laughter ]
But it's so funny because I think people often say, like,
"Oh, you must get so much negative feedback from people
based on the kind of show you do."
And I will say, this is the truth,
it's not MAGA people, it's not anti-vaxxers --
the two worst [bleep] storms we've ever had at this show
are knitters/crocheters
and the marching band community.
Do you remember when we made a joke about marching band?
It was so bad, Shoemaker and I had to live upstate.
[ Laughter ]
Those are the people -- marching band and knitters.
I do not -- I wish you no ill will.
I do not want trouble, 'cause I'm very --
I'm very confident at this point that my last breath will be,
I'll just be lying in bed and I'll hear like --
♪ Ba ba-ba-ba bum-bum ♪
and then just take, like, a knitting needle to the eye,
like, Moe Greene style.
[ Laughter ]
I said as soon as I was able to get the vaccine,
I lined up.
I was told by somebody you cannot --
one person cannot line up.
You have to -- It's a plural.
It has to be a plurality of people to line up.
And when you're one person, you can either get in line
or you can join a line.
No man -- it's the classic John Donne poem.
No man is a line.
[ Laughter ]
That's for the -- [ Laughs ]
That's for our Spelling Bee people.
So, I talked about there's no left-handed flutes.
And there's some, but they're very hard to get
and they're expensive.
And I thought, I was even hopeful
that it was just prejudice against left-handed
monster people.
[ Laughter ]
But it's not.
Somebody said, like, "Well, think about it."
If you're in an orchestra, you can't --
they all have to -- if people are sitting,
they all have to go the same way.
'Cause if I'm going this way and then it's like this...
[ Laughter ]
I said last week that something was an homage
to...
Johnny Two Times in "Goodfellas."
It's Jimmy Two Times.
Now I'm worried I have it wrong again.
I think it's right. The problem is, for me,
I saw a director's cut
where, you know, it's the famous scene
where Ray Liotta, his character,
which I think was... I think Ray Liotta.
I think he played himself.
[ Laughter ]
And he's going through and he's like,
"There was Jimmy Two Times, who was called that
'cause he said everything twice --
'I'm gonna get the papers, get the papers' --
and then his brother Johnny Two Times,
who also said everything twice --
'I'm gonna get the peppers, get the peppers.'"
And they cut that,
'cause I think even Scorsese was like, "This is redundant."
But that's what I saw, so that's why I got it wrong.
We've been talking about --
made a joke about a Walmart in Astoria.
There was no Walmart in Astoria, then people in Oregon said,
"There is a Walmart in our Astoria."
And then other people said, no, that's in Warrenton.
It should be noted there is an airport
called the Astoria Airport, also in Warrenton.
But a little fun fact I found out is,
you know what movie they filmed in Astoria?
"Goonies."
Do you remember "Goonies," Shoemaker?
It was good.
It was good enough.
It's good enough for me.
[ Laughter ]
A lot of fun characters in "Goonies."
Sloth -- do you remember how Sloth talked?
He would -- I'm not gonna do Sloth.
Can't do Sloth anymore.
[ Laughter ]
Can't believe Sloth was even allowed to be in a movie,
but that's 1985.
You can't go onstage and do Sloth.
"Don't do Sloth" --
the motto at impression camp.
[ Laughter ]
It's on the wall.
Don't do Sloth.
It's in Latin.
[ Laughter ]
So you have to ask. You're like, "Wha?"
And they're like, "Don't do Sloth."
You're like, "From 'Goonies'?" They're like, "Yeah, yeah."
Don't do Sloth.
Liked rocky road. I can tell you some fact--
Liked rocky road, Baby Ruth, loved Chunk.
Rudy would make a good Sloth.
[ Laughter ]
[as Giuliani] Baby Ruth?
[ Laughter ]
[Normal voice] Speaking of impressions camp...
I said that when I did my Matthew McConaughey,
my counselor at impression camp hung himself.
A lot of people said, "Hanged himself."
Which then made me feel awful because I know the diff--
He didn't hang himself.
He was m-- He gets upset.
Like, he doesn't like when we do McConaughey,
'cause he thinks it's hacky.
And I did it during camp at impression camp
and he does this really passive-aggressive thing
where he takes a chair
and then he goes over to the coat rack
and just get-- he, like, hangs like this.
Just, like, by the back of his coat.
And then he kicks the chair over and he's like,
"Leave me here."
[ Laughter ]
And... [ Laughs ]
And then I'm like, "What?"
And he goes, he's just like, just such a...
[mouthing words]
He's a dick.
He's like, "Just leave me here.
I don't wanna do this anymore."
And I'm like, "Well, what? What should I say to everybody?"
And he's like, "Say I hung myself."
And I was like, "Well, don't you think
that some people may think you, like" --
And he's like, "That's 'hanged'!"
[ Laughter ]
They're bad -- He's a bad guy.
Like, I feel like I've talked about impression camp
and, like, made it seem, like, really fun,
but they're awful.
The counselors there, they just, like, drill you, drill you!
You're like, "I -- W-- Need more cowbell."
They're like, "Again!" "Cowbell."
"Again!"
[ Laughter ]
"I gotta fever." "Again!"
What else?
You know, this is -- this is the last "Corrections"
during Emmy voting.
And I don't -- I want to make something clear.
I, uh -- I don't want an Emmy for this.
I need it.
[ Laughter ]
Sometimes I lash out,
I lash out during "Corrections."
but there is...
there is a reason for that, which is, um...
Well, I think, um...
I think Christopher Walken said it best.
-'Cause every once in a while,
the lion has to show the jackals
who he is.
-Okay.
I think that's everything.
[ Laughter ]
And that's...it.
We will see you all in September.