♪♪
-Hey, everybody. I said CDs, compact discs,
was an example of an acronym. That's initialism.
An acronym has to make a new word, like scuba --
self-contained underwater breathing apparatus --
or jackal --
jerks attempting comedy-killing absent love.
[ Laughter ]
Instead of street sweeper,
I said sweet streeper.
In my defense, I used to work...
In high school, I worked at a video store
and we had a section
called Sweet Streepers,
which were just all her best.
"Africa."
"Choice."
"Heartburn."
"Ironweed."
Th-The dingo one.
"Kramer vs. Kramer."
Which...
Not to bring the room down...
Sal told me there's a leaked draft from the Supreme Court
They're overturning Kramer vs. Kramer.
6-3, the conservatives.
It's now -- they're now ruling in favor of Kramer.
[ Laughter ]
And it was precedent.
But they just, they don't care.
Such a great cast.
That movie's great -- "Kramer vs. Kramer."
Meryl Streep, Michael Richards.
[ Laughter ]
[As Kramer] "He's my boy!"
[Normal voice] Remember that scene?
It did -- it's a true story. I did work in a video store.
Maloney Video in Bedford, New Hampshire.
And I was thinking about it today because,
again, this is early '90s.
I worked there with Mr. Maloney,
and sometimes it would just be me.
And there was not an adult film section in Maloney Video.
What there was was a big book with -- like, a metal book
that, the way you would have, like, pictures in a photo album.
But it was just the flattened-out cardboard cases
of adult films.
And guys would come in and just like -- fwonk!
And, like, go through it
and then would give Mr. Maloney a number.
And sometimes they'd come in and Mr. Maloney would be, like,
in the back throwing out garbage or something,
and it would just be me.
And I could always clock the guys who were like,
"Oh, nah!"
'Cause they definitely wanted to look in the book,
but they didn't want to do it
while like a 14-year-old kid was there.
So they'd just, like, wander around for a while
and then just be like, "I guess I'll just get 'Flashdance.'"
[ Laughter ]
Hey, I talked about the fact that somebody made...
'Cause we talked about Wally being "Two Trees."
And somebody made this, and I said
this was so nice because we never get fan art.
Somebody said this isn't fan art.
This is just a meme. Also, I missed earlier
that Wally in this is holding a cue card
that says "Seth sucks."
[ Laughter ]
And so somebody, though, said they felt bad
that they had never -- we've never gotten fan art,
and look what somebody made for us.
There we go. There's old Two Trees.
I feel like this is not the kindest fan art for you, Wally.
I said Two Tree Wally and people really strongly online
feel like it should be Wally Two Trees, right?
That's better. Yeah, Wally Two Trees is better.
And then we really do have -- we have a crew here of good names.
We had Wally Two Trees, Mikey the Shoe,
Tank Top Scollins.
[ Laughter ]
15 to 16 Reillys.
[ Laughter ]
Ooh. I had a scare this week.
So, we have a board, a beautiful board in my office
with the guests who are coming up each day as a little box.
You can picture it. And it has a...
Because I want to stress -- I hope you know
I never want to meet any of you in person.
[ Laughter ]
And so this is, like, we had Sandler on this week.
So that's what it looks... So I look at the board,
I'm like, "Oh, great, Adam Sandler's on."
Or I'll look and I'll be like, "Oh, Kylie Minogue is on."
And we had Jensen Ackles on yesterday.
So I walk in, I'm like, "Aah!"
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ] We had a joke about someone --
true story -- smeared cake on the glass case
that the Mona Lisa is behind at the Louvre.
And our punchline was they also did it on the Picasso,
but no one could tell.
And a bunch of you pointed out there wouldn't be a Picasso
hanging in the Louvre,
because it's not art?
Also, I was told I'm pronouncing Louvre wrong.
I was surprised. But again,
let's take advantage of the fact that my mom is a French teacher.
Madame Meyers, how would you say it?
-Khan!
[ Laughter ]
-We have subsets of jackals.
I think that the biggest mistake you can make
is all jackals are the same.
One is the kind that wants to add comedy
via their comments -- jokels.
And every now and then, one of them comes through.
And I would like to compliment -- you know,
we were talking about Werner's Originals,
and then we showed the Klaus Kinski candies
that were Fitzcaramellos.
And someone said we missed one. And I was like,
"Let's show me your best, kid."
And there you go.
Nosfera-Chews.
[ Laughter ]
I talked about Donna.
My dresser extraordinaire.
And this one also, I will say, made me laugh.
Someone said, "You wear button-ups and a sweater --
you need a dresser?"
[ Laughter ]
They added, "Do you also have a changing table?"
[ Laughter ]
Hey, sometimes it's -- sometimes it's fair.
"A Closer Look" yesterday, I guess we talked about
how I was in a sexy fireman calendar.
And of course, we write these
and then leave it to Graphics to decide.
And, you know, I made it very clear
they [bleep] me with this.
And then someone else said, "Yeah, even worse,
the weeks on calendars start on Sunday, not Monday."
So this is a poorly made calendar.
Well, and...
And now I'm...
Now I'm realizing they did that
so I would show it a second time.
[ Laughter ]
Damn it.
So, again, I think a lot of you don't believe me.
I want to stress it's true.
I read all these comments.
And I've noticed a new thing has started happening
where a lot of your comments have one reply
and the reply is the same.
And it has -- for its avatar, it has our logo.
And it's weirdly -- it's bold and it's very clearly a bot,
but it's trying to engage with you by having our logo.
And it has -- this is what it says.
on every one, it's the same every time.
And I guess it's trying to trick people into thinking
it's me talking to them.
"Thanks for watching.
Send a direct message right away.
I will love to hear your thoughts on it
and for more enlightenment."
It's in my voice.
[ Laughter ]
I would be so happy, nothing would make me happier,
if at least one of you right now is watching this and realizing,
[gasps] "It's not him?!"
[ Laughter ]
[ Humming ]
Oh, we made a joke about dog years.
You know, seven -- I had always assumed one human year,
seven dog years.
I guess there was a study in 2019.
The thinking on this has changed.
It is not 7 to 1. That is...
It's a little reductive.
It is -- this is -- I'm not --
Again...
I don't care about this enough to make it up.
It's for a medium-size dog,
it's 15 years for the first year.
This is, again...
Year two is about nine years.
And after that, it's five years for every human year.
That's what they told me.
And then there's a song to help remember,
'cause I guess it's a little more confusing, obviously.
♪ 15 years when they are 1, when the second year is seven ♪
♪ After that it's five each year until they go to heaven ♪
♪ 15, 7, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5 ♪
[ Laughter ]
It's even slower for small dogs.
So, smaller dogs, they age even slower,
which means in just a few years,
Samberg will be older than Frisbee.
[ Laughter ]
We were talking about dogs
'cause we were talking about "Air Bud."
And one of you left a comment, "I went to high school with
one of the volleyball players on "Air Bud Spikes Back."
Well, we'd love to get you on the show to talk about that.
[ Laughter ]
We did...
I talked about somebody because someone, one of you
thought the first "Air Bud" was about football, not basketball.
And you corrected me, and then I...
well, you know, my happiest is
when I can tell a jackal they were wrong.
And I went so far to say, "You erred, bud," which is...
If you want to ever see that written,
it'll be etched on my tombstone.
A bunch of you -- I was surprised.
A bunch of you said I said "erred" wrong.
Like, to make a mistake is not to "air," it's "urr."
"Urred."
According to the Cambridge English Dictionary
and the American rapper Nelly.
[ Laughter ]
That's the most just for Shoemaker joke I've ever done.
And I called him up. I called up Nelly and he said,
"Yeah, hurr we say urr." And I said, "Are you share?"
[ Laughter ]
We talked about the fact...
So, Lauren Boebert called out politicians
who think "AR" stands for "assault rifle."
And we admitted that we had made that mistake before,
because it stands for Armalite,
which is the company that originally made the gun.
So, we -- I corrected myself of making that error.
And then it got picked up in some conservative press
who acted like I had gotten caught by her.
And reading it, I --
I started to think for the first time,
they might not be engaging with the work.
[ Laughter ]
So, I do really want to stress again,
I'm so sorry that I got that wrong.
'Cause once you get the name wrong, then you can't --
can't talk about anything else.
'Cause that's not really -- my problem's not the name.
It's like the...
It would be like if someone was like,
"Earth's gonna get hit by an asteroid!"
It's like, "Um, it's not an asteroid
once it enters the atmosphere."
[ Laughter ]
Still worried about the asteroid.
But I would like to continue this conversation
with the congresswoman,
so do please stop by the studio anytime.
We're located at 1250 Ditmars Boulevard,
Queens, New York.
[ Laughter ]
I got a...
A couple weeks ago,
we did a shot of whiskey in "A Closer Look."
And afterwards, I received
a bottle of Wild Turkey Longbranch
from our friend Matthew McConaughey.
This is like two weeks ago, and he wrote a note that said,
"Saw you take a shot of whiskey on air the other night.
Thought you might need a few more.
Cheers, best, McConaughey."
And he sent this bottle,
and I thought it was a pretty classy thing to do.
I mean, obviously, part of it probably was
you know, he saw what we've been doing for Pizza Hut.
[ Laughter ]
But, you know, to have a sincere moment,
it was very nice 'cause, you know, we did a shot
because sometimes you get overwhelmed by the news
and you do a shot.
And that was very sweet of him.
But I would like to use this instead
to toast Mr. McConaughey,
because in the time since he sent that,
some terrible things have happened, and he went out
and he was a good man who did a very hard thing
with his comments the other day at the White House.
So, a toast to Matthew McConaughey
and all the jackals out there.
Let's try to stay optimistic,
and you will all see me next week,
which I think...
I think we're coming up on like our 50th episode,
which is a big deal.
So, see you then.