What's up, guys? Welcome to today's video.
Now, this is going to be a different one than you're used to.
It's gonna be not so happy, not so jovial, definitely something different.
It's actually gonna be kind of a downer maybe a little bit for some people to hear,
but this is something that I've been wanting to do for a very long time
and I just wasn't sure when I was going to do it.
But today I just got back from leg day, you're probably wondering why I have a beanie on, and...
I got this huge, huge... I don't know if you can see that...
Yeah, oh, you can see it. Yeah, definitely.
So I got this huge, huge cyst and I just knew that if I went into the gym without a beanie on
without covering it, that I was not gonna be able to get as good of a workout,
because I knew people would be staring at me.
Now, you guys know me, you know I don't really have any problem with going into the store right now
and having this on my head, talking to people and meeting people; that's not a big problem.
But when you go try to work out, people just don't have a filter, so they'll be staring at you,
they'll be whispering about you. They dont have a filter, they don't understand
what they're doing.
Because when I see someone whispering about me and I know I have a giant, big ol' bad cyst on my head,
I know that they're talking about me, they're not whispering about something else.
And whether or not that bothers me or I'm okay with it or whatever, whether I've progressed in my
personality as far as how I deal with that kind of a situation, it's distracting, you know what I mean?
So I put the beanie on.
That reminds me though of this story that I've wanted to tell you guys. I just don't...
I just didn't know where I was going to tell you guys this story, because this is kind of out of my emo.
I'm kind of like...
I guess you guys can kind of look to me as like the guy with a happy face, the guy who always tells you
to have a happy face, deal with adversity and these problems with a smile,
try to always look for the silver lining,
and that is how I deal with my acne now, but you can't just flip a switch.
No one can do that. No one can go from zero to a hundred as far as confidence goes or just not
caring what people think and say about you,
so at one point in my life I...
I mean, I mostly was dealing with my acne pretty positively, I was happy with where I was,
even though I had zits and stuff.
I had a lot of friends, I had this, that and the other going on, and mostly I would do what
I've told you guys to do all the time, where it's just Live Your Life, and don't worry about it.
But this one specific time it finally got to me.
And this is definitely something that I don't tell a lot of... Actually I don't think I've ever told anyone this.
I don't really talk about this kind of stories because...
I don't know, I guess I just haven't gotten comfortable with it, and it's kind of hard to be transparent
about this kind of a thing.
Because this was the first time that I ever...
Because this was the first time that I had ever cried because of my acne.
Up to that point in my life I'd always kind of lived this macho idea,
this idea that you've gotta bea macho man, right?
So I would always try to hide my emotions, try not to cry - it wasn't manly to cry,
so I hadn't cried in four or five years, and let me tell you guys,
crying is so healthy for you.
It progresses your personality, your spirit,
your understanding of other people's feelings and things like that.
It's just not healthy to hold those things back, and it's good to cry, whether that be a sad cry
or a happy cry. Cries are important.
But at this point in my life I wasn't okay with crying,
it wasn't okay with me, and it had been four or five years since I had cried,
and I always try to go real tough about things, real tough about any sort of situation.
You know, someone doubts me, someone makes fun of me, someone...
You know, I do something embarassing - I always try to just be like "That's okay, whatever...
It's all good. I'm cool, I'm Brian, I'm moving on, that's no problem."
But this specific time I got one of these cysts.
Now, this one is pretty big. It's pretty bad, and as you can see
it comes off of my face quite a bit. It's big, very noticeable.
And I used to get these cysts, but bigger.
Like, I'm telling you, two times as big as this,
and I would get these every five or six weeks,
and they would just come out of nowhere, just like this one did.
And this specific time I was I think a sophomore or a junior, so I was like 16 or 17,
and it came up on my nose. It was a big one, it was a really, really, really big one.
And as soon as I got to school...
I'm just gonna tell you the accumulation of things that happened to me at school that caused me
to feel the way that I felt that day.
I came to school and I went up to my 'group of friends' at the time,
and immediately the first thing that they say is "Oh, look at Rudolf!"
I was like "Really? Great, awesome... Cool, we're just gonna..."
But of course, I giggled it off,
I was like "Haha, I know, it's crazy, huh? It's crazy!"
And then I go through my first classes, I have like three periods, or something like that.
Then I have this English class, and in this English class it was my turn to give a speech that day.
I don't know if you guys have ever been to high school, I'm sure a lot of you guys have,
you don't really get to choose whether or not you're gonna give that speech,
you don't get to tell your teacher, "Oh, I'm gonna do it in a cuple more days
when my face looks a little better."
You have to do it, otherwise you're gonna fail.
So I went to that class, and of course it was on my mind, it was just weighing on my mind,
I was like "Damn, I have to go in front of like 40 kids and I have this big, bine one",
and by the way, to make it even worse, it had a white head, which I don't know if you guys know,
that's the worst one because everyone's looking at it, right?
So I went into my class, and I went up there in front of everybody,
it was my turn, it was like, I don't know, four or five people in,
I went up on the 'stage' in front of everybody and I remember...
It was so... I remember hearing whispers when I went up there,
and I'm looking around and can see people leaning over.
And high school is so ruthless, man...
You're within earshot, it's quiet, I can hear everything everyone's saying,
and I swear, at least two or three different groups said something.
I could hear them talking about my giant zit.
"Oh, watch out, dude! It's gonna explode, it might get on you",
or whatever else, and it was ...
It was pretty harsh, because then I also have to give my speech
and try not to think about everyone talking about my face, looking at my face and what not.
Then I go from that class, I finally get through that class,
I'm not feeling that great in the first place now because my whole day has just been,
You know, talk bad about Brian's acne,
and then finally, the last thing that just killed me
it just freakin' killed me, man,
I went up to one of my good friends at lunch -
so that class was right before lunch, and then I would go to lunch,
and I went up to one of my really good friends, one of my best friends at the time.
I would consider him my top 3 best friends, if you're putting it by MySpace standards,
and the first thing that he does when I walk up to him is he just runs up
and pokes my nose, right on top of the cyst, flicks it.
I don't know why.
God... I don't know why...
And he just thought it was funny, he was just like
"Oh, dude, that's soo big! Look at it! Oh, wow, woow..."
And like...
It just comes down to high-school again, right?
In high-school you haven't experienced enough life to have empathy enough
to understand that what you're doing to people when you do that kind of stuff
It's not good to do that kind of stuff to people,
no matter what their problem is.
You know, someone has acne, or someone's fighting obesity, or someone has a deformity
or something - anything at all... It's so bad to make fun of them,
especially at such a young, young impressional age.
Luckily I could get over this kind of stuff, but at that point man,
that point in the day,
after one of my best friends pointed it out,
I was just like...
I was just so tired of ...
You know...
Constantly thinking about my acne that day,
It just sucked,
and like I said, I'm not a guy who cries a lot...
Well, I guess I'm crying right now, but I wasn't a guy who cried a lot at that point.
And I walked to my car, I got in my car finally,
on the other side of the student parking lot, so no one's around me or anything,
and I got in my car, I sat down, and I just started crying, man.
I just started balling...
And after that first tear came, I was just like...
It was so relieving...
As silly as it sounds, it was so relieving to finally just like be...
And one of the things about me is it's pretty difficult to get me to start crying,
but once I start crying, it's just waterfalls, I can't control it, and I just remember sitting there,
crying and just saying things, you know?
Just being like "Why do you have to do that kind of...?"
Well, of course, there was a lot more cuss words in it at this time,
but I remember I just sat there and I just went through each situation and I was just like,
"What the hell was the point of touching my face, touching my cyst?"
"What's the point... What satisfaction did you get out of that?"
"What purpose did that serve?"
And it was like this great release of all these emotions.
I was so emotionally burdened, and it was such a sad cry,
But at the same time it was like this release of energy,
release of all this pent up BS that I had to deal with
for such a long period of time up to that point.
You know, all the name-calling, all the jokes, all the stuff that I took the higher road with,
I always just dealt with it with a smile,
it was good to finally just sit there and just think, and then just take care of it, man
Just like, seriously...
Release myself from my ego, release myself from my macho personality
and what people thought about me, and just cry.
It felt really good.
And now here I am, sitting and crying in front of a bunch of people
who aren't used to seeing me vulnerable and crying.
And I'm pretty interested to see what you guys think about it, but it's...
The reason I'm crying,
it's not only just because I'm kind of reliving the situation and just remembering
how good it felt,
I'm kind of an empathetic cryer.
If I see someone crying or if I think about crying, I kind of cry...
It's one of my weaknesses at this point.
But just thinking about all the people who have to deal with this,
all the people who are in high-school right now and have to deal with
these people who just nag them all the time.
The kids that are nagging at them don't have these problems,
they don't have these grandiose problems they haven't dealt with,
they're just living their life and they're just concentrated on whatever they see
and that's pretty much it, it's just people in their high-school.
And I know there are so many people out there who know exactly what I'm talking about.
I know there's a lot of people out there who have been just namecalled, and just like...
People pointed at them, or talked about their acne, or maybe you've heard people whispering,
or people have left comments on your pictures, or whatever it is...
And I wanted to make this video especially for you,
to show you that I understand where you're coming from,
I know exactly where you're coming from,
And there's always people that try,
they try to understand or they try to downplay it, or they try to make it sound
like they know how it feels to have a severe acne problem, a serious acne problem,
or just an acne problem that affects you emotionally.
And I know that this video can serve the purpose of showing you that
while it's hard, while it seriously is hard,
you can change your perspective in time.
As you go forward you can become comfortable with situations like this, that's on my forehead,
that honestly, at that time in my life I was not comfortable with.
I was not comfortable with it, but I would try to be comfortable with it.
But over the years, having acne,
I've become comfortable with this,
and I want you guys to know that while your acne maybe won't leave you
anytime soon, you might be stuck with it for many years like I have,
I've had it since 15, I'm 22 now,
you can become comfortable with it.
It's completely in your power to do, be comfortable with it,
and I want you to do that.
But I also understand that it's very difficult and sometimes you need to release,
sometimes you need that cry.
Because sometimes that cry can change the way you feel,
it can release you of all this pent-up stress that you didn't even know you had.
So don't be ashamed to cry, whether you're a guy or a girl.
I know a lot of guys watch my channel and they're so macho and stuff, and afraid to cry,
don't be afraid, man.
Maybe don't tell everyone, go do it, see how it feels,
and then maybe you'll change your perspective on crying too,
because you'll understand more about what it does for you as a human being.
I'm kind of rambling now guys, but I was...
considering on the drive home whether or not I actually wanted to make this video,
because I knew that I was gonna cry in it, and I know...
I don't know...
I'm just not sure what people are gonna say about this,
and I've never done something that's kind of like...
So personal.
I'm pretty transparent on my channel, but I've never done something that's so personal.
So please guys, please...
Try to be nice, try to be nice.
Try to accept what this is and understand why I put this up.
I hope it helps a lot of people,
it's legitimately the reason I wanted to put his up.
More information about my Accutane,
as far as the dose goes and what not, in the description below.
I felt it would be good to keep this story as its own video,
and you guys can check the details below.
But next week we'll be back to normal Accutane and hopefully some of these
crazy cyst are gone by then.
Please guys, if you have any friends or family that are dealing with severe acne
and you think that this video might be able to help them get through whatever it is
that they're dealing with right now,
please send it over to them,
post it on your Facebook, or wherever you can,
because if this can help people, then I'm so, so willing to put
me crying on the internet up.
Something that I'm embarrassed, I guess not really comfortable about...
I'm comfortable putting it on the internet if it can help you guys.
So please, share it with your friends, guys.
Thank you so much for checking out this video.
Team Beyond The Weak, Stay strong, guys!