♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON.
>> Jon: WOOOO!
THAT'S A BAND THERE.
>> Stephen: IT IS.
I HAVE AN IMPORTANT QUESTION FOR YOU, JON.
DO YOU HAVE FRIENDS DOWN IN GEORGIA?
>> Jon: YES, I HAVE FRIEND IN GEORGIA, OF COURSE.
FAMILY IN GEORGIA.
>> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW IF THEY'RE REGISTERED TO VOTE.
REMEMBER, THE DEADLINE TO REGISTER TO VOTE IN THE RUNOFFS
IN JANUARY FOR THE TWO SENATE SEATS, THAT'S DECEMBER 7.
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> Jon: RIGHT, DECEMBER 7 IS THE DEADLINE.
SO GOTTA SPREAD THE WORD.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN REGISTER EVEN IF YOU WEREN'T REGISTERED
FOR THE GENERAL ELECTION IN NOVEMBER, RIGHT?
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND IF YOU WEREN'T OLD ENOUGH AT THE GENERAL
ELECTION.
SO IF YOU'VE TURNED 18 BETWEEN NOVEMBER 3 AND JANUARY 5,
RIGHT-- I THINK THAT'S THE ELECTION.
BOOM.
YOU'RE IN.
>> Jon: BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
THERE IT IS.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN REQUEST A BALLOT BY MAIL.
AGAIN, IT'S JANUARY 5.
FOR MORE INFORMATION TO EVERYBODY OUT THERE-- AND PLEASE
TELL YOUR FRIENDS IN GEORGIA, JON, GO TO BETTERED
KNOWABALLOT.COM/GA, FOR ALL THE RESOURCES YOU NEED AND A
STEP-BY-STEP VIDEO BY ME ON HOW TO REGISTER TO VOTE.
IT'S FREE.
YOU'RE LOSING MONEY IF YOU DON'T GO.
>> Jon: YOU CAN DO IT RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: JON, YOU HAVE ANY RUNOFF MUSIC, SOMETHING FOR A
RUNOFF?
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon: ♪ OH, GEORGIA ♪
>> Stephen: CHILDREN: THEY'RE LIKE ADULTS, BUT NOT AS
EDUCATED.
AND THEY CERTAINLY DON'T TALK IN PERFECT WORD CHOICES LIKE WE CAN
DO IT.
AND WITH KIDS SPENDING MORE TIME AT HOME RIGHT NOW, PARENTS ARE
REALIZING THEY ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
SO I'VE BEEN PROVIDING A SERVICE WHERE I ANSWER REAL QUESTIONS
FROM REAL KIDS, SENT IN BY REAL PARENTS WHO ARE REAL TIRED.
SO, PARENTS, FEEL FREE TO TAKE A BREAK AND LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN IN
FRONT OF THE TV.
BECAUSE IT'S TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR >> "STEPHEN TAKES YOUR KIDS!"
>> Stephen: I AM NO LONGER ASKING YOU, I AM TELLING YOU: WE
ARE CHANGING THAT NAME!
HI, KIDS.
I'M STEPHEN, AND I'LL BE YOUR TEACHER TODAY.
AND I'M HERE TO ANSWER QUESTIONS, SINCE MY MIND IS FULL
OF ALL THE CORRECT ANSWERS.
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT I NEVER ASK A QUESTION?
EXACTLY.
LET'S GET STARTED.
FIRST QUESTION!
>> DOES A CHICKEN TALK TO A CHICKEN?
>> Stephen: YES, IT CAN, UNLESS THE SECOND CHICKEN FORGOT THE
FIRST CHICKEN'S BIRTHDAY.
THEN THEY MAY NOT TALK FOR MONTHS.
NEXT QUESTION!
>> WHAT HAPPENS IF YOGURT GOES IN YOUR-- UM-- NOSE?
>> Stephen: OKAY, THIS DOES NOT SEEM LIKE A HYPOTHETICAL.
BUT DON'T PANIC-- I'M GOING TO TALK YOU THROUGH THIS.
YOU GOT TWO OPTIONS: ONE, GO GET A TISSUE, AND BLOW IT OUT.
TWO, ADD SOME BLENDED FRUIT AND PROTEIN POWDER.
THEN YOU DON'T HAVE YOGURT UP YOUR NOSE.
YOU'RE JUST MAKING A DELICIOUS NASAL SMOOTHIE.
NEXT QUESTION.
>> IF THERE WAS ONE CHARACTER IN THE ENTIRE "LORD OF THE RINGS"
STORY LINE THAT COULD BE AN AVOCADO, WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK
COULD BE THE AVOCADO?" >> Stephen: WOW.
THAT IS AN INCREDIBLE QUESTION.
FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATIONS ON ASKING ME PERHAPS THE ONLY
QUESTION ABOUT "THE LORD OF THE RINGS" THAT I'VE NEVER BEEN
ASKED BEFORE.
I HAVE TO GIVE THIS SOME THOUGHT.
SAM.
SAM IS THE AVOCADO.
NEXT?
>> I'M CONFUSED.
WHICH LAMBORGHINI SHOULD I PICK FOR MY SCHOOL PROJECT, A
CENTENARIO OR THE PERFORMANTE?" >> Stephen: MAHESH, I GOTTA SAY,
I'M CONFUSED, TOO.
I MEAN, CENTANARIO OR PERFORMANTE?
ARE THOSE REALLY THE ONLY TWO CHOICES, MAHESH?
I MEAN, SURE, THE REAR-WHEEL STEERING AND THE INCREASED
DOWN-FORCE MAKE THE CENTENARIO A TECHNICAL MARVEL AND MOVING
TRIBUTE TO THE ANNIVERSARY OF FERRUCCIO LAMBORGHINI'S BIRTH,
BUT EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S ESSENTIALLY JUST A MODIFIED
AVENTADOR.
AND, YES, THE PERFORMANTE IS A BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF ENGINEERING
FROM THE CARBON FIBRE FRONT BUMPER TO THE FORGED COMPOSITE
REAR SPOILER.
BUT HAVE YOU EVEN CONSIDERED THE CLASSIC COUNTACH LP-400?
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE INITIAL MODEL WITH THE NARROW TIRES AND
LOW DRAG COEFFICIENT.
IT MAY NOT HAVE THE PERFORMANCE CAPABILITY OF NEWER MODELS, BUT
THE ICONIC SCISSOR DOORS AND THE STRIKING ALLOY BODY WORK
HELPED IT PIONEER THE ANGLED ITALIAN WEDGE DESIGN THAT WOULD
GO ON TO BECOME A LAMBORGHINI SIGNATURE.
BUT IT'S YOUR SCHOOL PROJECT.
DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
NEXT QUESTION.
>> WHY DO DINOSAURS STOMP ALL DAY AND NIGHT?
>> Stephen: THAT'S AN IMPORTANT QUESTION.
THANK YOU.
THERE'S A LOT TO UNPACK THERE.
THERE'S TWO REASONS THEY DO THIS, REALLY.
DINOSAURS STOMP ALL DAY BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL UPSET THAT COMET
WIPED OUT ALL OF THEIR FRIENDS.
AND DINOSAURS STOMP ALL NIGHT BECAUSE THEIR DOWNSTAIRS
NEIGHBOR IRV IS PLAYING THE MUSIC TOO LOUD, AND THEY HAVE TO
BE ON A ZOOM CALL FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
WE ALL LIKE STEELY DAN, IRV, BUT TURN DOWN THE "AJA."
NEXT QUESTION.
>> MY QUESTION IS, CAN YOU CATCH A CLOUD?
>> Stephen: THAT'S A DEEP QUESTION, JAMES.
TRYING TO THROW YOUR ARMS AROUND A CLOUD WOULD BE LIKE TRYING TO
CATCH A MOMENT IN TIME.
RATHER THAN CAUGHT, IT IS TO BE OBSERVED LIKE ALL THE MOMENTS
THAT FLOAT ACROSS THE SKY OF OUR LIVES.
WE CANNOT KEEP THEM, AND THAT VERY FACT GIVES THEM A TRAGIC
BEAUTY.
WE ARE HERE BUT ONCE, SO SEEK NOT TO HOLD WHAT CANNOT BE HELD,
JAMES, ONLY BE PRESENT TO EXPERIENCE IT.
EITHER THAT OR ASK YOUR PARENTS TO SPRING FOR STEPHEN COLBERT'S
CLOUD VACUUM, WHICH RETAILS ON OUR WEBSITE FOR ONLY $349.99.
STEPHEN COLBERT'S CLOUD VACUUM: WE PROMISE IT'S GONNA SUCK!
NEXT QUESTION.
>> HOW DOES SANTA GET THE PRESENTS TO ALL OF THE KIDS IN
ONE DAY?
I'M LIKE...
>> Stephen: THAT IS A TOUGH ONE, JULIA.
LUCKILY, I HAPPEN TO BE GOOD FRIENDS WITH SANTA, AND MAYBE HE
CAN ANSWER THIS ONE HIMSELF.
SANTA?
>> HO, HO, HO, HO, HO!
HI, JULIA.
IT'S ME, SANTA.
HOW DO I DO IT?
I'LL TELL YA HOW I DO IT.
YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT?
YOU FILL OUT YOUR CHRISTMAS LIST, AND COME CHRISTMAS
MORNING, YOU OPEN YOUR PRETTY LITTLE EYES, AND THERE'LL BE
PRESENTS.
THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.
I'LL GET IT DONE, PANDEMIC OR NO PANDEMIC.
I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 10,000 YEARS.
IT'S GONNA GET DONE.
ALL RIGHT?
SO I DON'T NEED THE "HUH?" I DON'T NEED THAT EXPRESSION.
I DON'T NEED THAT FROM YOU.
SO, DON'T WORRY.
IT'LL GET DONE.
THANK YOU.
OH, THANKS FOR THE COOKIES.
>> Stephen: THANKS, SANTA.
AND THANK YOU, KIDS.
WELL, PARENTS, I HOPE THAT GAVE YOU A LITTLE BREAK.
AND IF YOUR KIDS HAVE QUESTIONS AT HOME, PLEASE POST A VIDEO TO
SOCIAL MEDIA USING THE HASHTAG COLBERT-KID-QUESTIONS, AND WE
MIGHT JUST FEATURE IT IN OUR NEXT INSTALLMENT OF "STEPHEN
TAKES YOUR KIDS."
LOOK ME IN THE EYES.