-Okay, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You're watching.
Happy Friday.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, everyone's talking about this today.
"John Wick: Chapter 4" hit theaters.
[ Cheers and applause ]
He's angry. [ Cymbal clangs ]
He's out for revenge. [ Cymbal clangs ]
He's promising death and destruction.
[ Cymbal clangs ] Oh. Sorry. I read that wrong.
I was talking about Donald Trump.
Sorry about that. I apologize. I apologize.
Sorry. Sorry.
[ Laughter ]
I don't know if you guys saw this,
but late last night
Trump threatened the Manhattan District Attorney
saying that if he's charged "death and destruction"
could follow.
[ Laughter ]
America said, "No way.
That's only gonna happen if they ban TikTok."
That's the only way that's gonna happen.
Yep. Death and destruction.
It sounds bad, but he makes the same threat
when Little Caesar's forgets his Crazy Bread.
So, it's like, "Death and destruction." Okay.
[ Laughter ] That's right.
It's day four of Trump indictment watch, 2023.
Still nothing.
It feels like one of those viral videos that says "wait for it"
and two minutes you're like, "I don't know
if I'm gonna wait anymore."
Four days. Four days.
We're basically -- We basically all went into labor
and four days later we're still chewing on ice chips.
You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, I heard that Melania Trump
is still angry at her husband
over the Stormy Daniels scandal
and doesn't sympathize with him for facing charges.
That's shocking given how warm and affectionate
she and Donald are in public.
[ Laughter ]
You can tell Melania's mad 'cause the last three nights
Donald's been sleeping on the golden futon.
[ Laughter ] Well, get this.
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis said that he would not accept
an offer to be Trump's running mate.
That's shocking given how warm and affectionate
he and Donald are in public.
[ Laughter ]
I think it's a good decision 'cause Don and Ron
doesn't sound like the leaders of the free world.
[ Laughter ]
Sound like twin brothers on TikTok.
-Who painted the "Mona Lisa"?
Mona Lisa.
-Yeah.
-"Da Vinki"?
[ Laughter ]
-"Vinki"?
[ Laughter ]
I saw...
I saw that President Biden was in Ottawa today,
where he made a big speech to Canada's parliament.
Here he is with Canada's Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
Wow. Look at those guys.
They look like Yoda and Baby Yoda.
[ Laughter ]
They look Alfred the butler and Bruce Wayne.
[ Laughter ]
They look like the old man from "Up"
and the kid reunited.
[ Laughter ]
They look like the guy who did it on "Scooby Doo"
and the guy who did it on "Dateline."
[ Laughter ]
They look like Logan and Roman Roy's stunt doubles
on "Succession." [ Laughter ]
They look like an American remake
of "The Banshees of Inisherin."
[ Laughter ]
They looked like a Planet Fitness customer
and an Equinox customer.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
[ Sighs ]
One more. One more. One more.
Finally, they look like
Doc Brown and Marty McFly at a business luncheon.
There you go. That's it. That's it. That's what they look like.
♪♪
Speaking of Biden, I read that he is frustrated
with Vice President Kamala Harris
for not constantly rising to the occasion.
Kamala was like, "Sorry.
Unlike you, I can't take a little blue pill for that."
[ Laughter, groaning ]
"Da Vinki"?
Yep. Biden said it's tough having to
worry about your VP all the time.
Then Obama was like, "Oh, you get used to it, Joe."
[ Laughter ] That's right.
Biden's frustrated with Kamala
'cause apparently she isn't taking anything off his plate.
Which is the opposite of Trump, who was always frustrated
when Pence took something off his plate.
"Did I say you could have that fry?"
[ Laughter ]
Some more news from the White House.
The Biden administration is rolling out new rules
to require more efficient window air conditions.
Yep. And instead of low, medium, and high,
the controls will now be more accurately labeled as
low, same but louder, and same but much louder.
[ Laughter ]
First gas ovens, and now air conditioners.
It's been a busy few months
for Biden's Secretary of Homeland Appliances.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, I saw that Apple is gonna spend
$1 billion a year
to make movies that will be released in theaters.
It'll be fun.
Instead of trailers, every movie will start
with 30 minutes of "Terms and Conditions."
[ Laughter ]
You'll know you're watching an Apple movie
when all the screens are cracked.
We have a great show.
Let's go write some thank you notes.
Come with me now. Yeah.
♪♪
Oh, what a show we have for you tonight.
One of my favorites, he's an Emmy-nominated actor
who stars as Roman Roy in "Succession."
The fourth and final season
premieres this Sunday on HBO and HBO Max.
Kieran Culkin is here tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ]
He stars in the show "Power Book II: Ghost,"
which airs Fridays on Starz.
Method Man is joining us!
[ Cheers and applause ]
And we've got great music tonight.
He is a global pop music icon
who you know from BTS.
His new EP "Face" is out now,
and tonight he's performing "Like Crazy,"
which is the number-one song on iTunes right now.
Jimin is here tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jimin!
Today's Friday, and that's usually when I catch up
on some personal stuff.
I check my inbox, return some e-mails,
and of course I send out thank you notes.
And I was just... [ Cheers and applause ]
...running a bit behind.
I thought today, if you guys wouldn't mind,
I'd just like to write out my weekly thank you notes.
[ Laughter ]
Is that cool?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you very much.
James, can I get some
thank-you-note-writing music, please?
Thanks so much.
[ Somber music playing ]
He forgot his tie again.
♪♪
Thank you, Trump indictment protests,
for looking like one guy decided to dry his beach towels
in front of Trump Tower.
[ Laughter, applause ]
Four guys.
♪♪
Thank you, TikTok stars marching in Washington,
for being the first time
a protest chant ends with "Sheesh!"
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, Spring, for being when the flowers bloom,
the birds sing, and the bears come out of hibernation
to look for cocaine.
[ Laughter, applause ]
♪♪
Thank you, allergy medicine,
for being the reason I don't sneeze through my kid's recital
but snore through it instead.
[ Laughter, applause ]
[ Chuckles ]
♪♪
Thank you, barbed wire,
for not going by your other name, "Evil Slinky."
[ Laughter, applause ]
[ Rim shot ]
That's a jab. Come on, man.
That's a jab.
♪♪
Thank you, "John Wick 4," "Shazam 2,"
"Scream VI," and "Creed III,"
for sounding more like a Bingo card
than a weekend at the movies.
[ Laughter, applause ] Oh, I got it! Bingo!
♪♪
Thank you, bird houses,
for being nature's Airbnbs.
There you have it, everybody. Those are my thank you notes.