♪♪♪♪
[ Static ]
-Killer. This is the best birthday party ever
-The only way it could be better
is if Justin Bieber was performing.
-My dad actually e-mailed his people to see if he would.
They just wrote back, "No. -[ Chuckles ]
-I mean, it's nice that they responded.
-Yeah. -Heck, so nice.
-♪♪Whoo-ooh whoo-ooh ♪♪
[ Nasally ] Party Police. You girls are under arrest..
[Normal voice] for having too much fun.
-Dad, that's so lame. Go away.
-No can do, birthday girl.
You may be getting older,
but you're still my little muffin.
-Ew! Dad, I'm not a muffin
-Oh, yeah?
Then why are you so darn sweet
Alright, you girls have fun.
I'll be right back in a Jiffy Pop.
-Ugh. My dad is so embarrassing.
-Yeah! -What a dork.
-He's so bad.
-Um, what in the fat hell are you talking about?
Because that is a full-blown beef mate.
-Ew! Melanie, my dad is so old.
He was born in like 1980.
-Okay, my dad was born in 1936
He sleeps in a medical bed in our living room.
So, compared to your dad,
my dad looks like a stack of hay with eyes.
-♪♪ Your dad is back ♪♪
Alright.
Backstreet Boys?
-Oh, hot ham. The hunk is back.
-So, honey, what's it feel lik to finally be a teenager?
-Um, I can actually answer tha because I'm 13 1/2.
I'm so old now that my mom lets me shower all by myself
Yeah, 'cause now she trusts me to wash everywhere,
but between me and you, most times,
I just get in there, pee, and then get right out.
I guess you could say I'm a dirty girl.
[ Chuckles ]
-You are dirty, Melanie.
-Our whole class got ringwor because of you.
-They had to throw out your desk.
-Wow. I guess everyone knows how dirty I am.
Do you like that, Mr. Dilham
-Actually, no, I do not like that, okay?
That's disgusting, okay?
Do I need to call your mother?
-No, please! My mom's a bitch!
She won't even let me get a new fish,
just 'cause I keep killing so many fish.
It's like, what the freak?
They don't even know what's happening when it's over.
-Alright, fine, but you need to watch your boundaries, okay
-Oh, yes, Mr. Dilham. I promise.
I will watch all the boundaries.
Hey, Taylor, look what's wrapped around my finger.
It's your dad.
-Yeah, I can hear you.
-Taylor, let's do presents -Yeah! Presents! Presents!
-Why don't you open mine first, Taylor?
I think you're really gonna like it.
-It's just a single pair of gray men's underwear.
-Oh! Oops!
I guess I got a present for your dad instead.
Do you like these, Mr. Dilham?
-No, Melanie. No, I don't.
And, legally, I can't accept them, okay?
Why don't we have some cake, ladies?
-Ooh, cake! I honestly love to eat cake.
-[ Scoffs ]
-Oops-a-daisy.
I got a little -- I got a little cream here on my finger.
-Oh, that's okay.
I can take care of that, Mr. Dilham.
-Morgan! -No, please!
-Morgan! Morgan! Morgan!
Stop it! -Mmm.
Um...
-I'm calling your mom.
-What? Why?
-Because you're a child,
and you just sucked the hell out of my adult finger.
-But my mom's a bitch.
She still makes me sit in a car seat,
and it faces backwards,
so I never know where we're going.
I get so carsick,
I have to suck on my own foo to calm down.
Do you like that?
-No. I hate that. Okay? I hate it.
Now, behave, or I'm sending you home.
-Okay, Mr. Dilham. I promise.
I'll be good and everything.
Oh, hey, Taylor, is it still Halloween?
'Cause your dad just got tricked, and I got a treat
-Melanie, I can still hear you, okay?
And this is Taylor's day.
Taylor, honey, I just want t say something, okay?
Now, we've made so many specia memories over the last 13 years,
from when I first taught you how to swim...
-Oh, yeah, frickin' wet.
-...to those -- to those night that we spent curled up
in bed, reading. -What? Same bed? So jealous.
-You know, you've always bee my little girl,
and that's why I have your nam tattooed right above my heart.
-Ew! Dad, don't show it!
-Oh, show it, show it, show it, show it!
Nipples!
-Alright, Melanie! Alright
Now I'm calling your mom.
You just destroyed my house, and you're covered in cake
-Oh. Do you like that?
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Film projector whirring
[ Static ]
-I think [Giggles] Kyle --
I think Kyle is so cute. -Oh, yes!
-Yes, so cute.
-Yeah, like, his laugh -- he's so sincere.
-Plus, he's so tall. He's like 4'10".
-Oh, yeah. -So tall.
[ Knock on door ]
-Knock, knock!
Who's there?
It's One Direction! [ Laughs ]
I'm just goofing. It's your dad.
[ Laughs ]
-Dad, get out of here. You're embarrassing me.
-I'm sorry, my little angel.
I just wanted to stop by and gossip with the ladies
-No, Dad! I'm serious.
I told you to sit in the bathroom all night.
Go away!
-Alright, alright.
I'm gonna see you later, girly-gators.
[ Chuckles ]
-Sorry my dad is so lame.
-Yeah, what a dork.
-Okay, um, you guys need to shut the hell up,
because that is the realest man I have ever seen
-Melanie, stop. That's my dad.
-Ooh, I will not.
Okay, he had my body quaking okay?
Like, honestly, I could have my first cigarette right now
-But he's old. He's like 34.
-Okay, my dad is 78.
And he looks like a hamburger with eyes.
I mean, honestly, like, compared to your dad,
like, my dad looks dead.
-Can we go back to talking about Kyle?
-Ooh! -Yeah.
His lips are always so red from Gatorade.
-Okay, Kyle is a whisper of a boy.
Mr. Gorman is a shout of a man
Mmm.
-Hey, girls, I know I received strict instructions to scram
but I brought you some snacks.
-Oh, my God, hottie alert. Hottie alert.
-They're -- They're PB&Js, but, uh, they're all-natural
so, technically, they're AN-PB&Js.
[ Laughs ]
-Oh, my God. My neck is soaked right now.
-[ Breathes deeply ]
So, what are we gabbing abou tonight?
How is school going?
-Dad, we don't want to tal about school.
-Yeah, this is a slumber party Mm-hmm.
-Um, school's actually going really good for me.
Uh, I'm getting an A-plus in sex ed.
-Oh, we don't have that class.
-Yeah, and also you're getting all D's.
-That's probably why you had t repeat seventh grade twice
-Um, no, it's because I threw out my back,
and my mom gave me an adult Vicodin,
and I fell asleep for a year
[ Chuckles ]
So, Mr. Gorman, let's just say I'm very comfortable on my back.
[ Chuckles ]
-Okay, uh, let's not say tha Um...
do I need to have your mothe come and pick you up?
-No! No, please.
Oh, my God, my mom's a bitch
Like, I really want to stay here.
I will respect everything, Mr. Gorman.
-Okay, you can stay,
but, please, let's -- let's watch the language.
-Okay. [ Sighs ]
And that is how you play the game.
Uh...
-Girls, I think it's time for a dance party.
-Yeah! -Alright!
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
What is this? What is this, hip-hop?
I think even dads can get down with this jam
This is great. [ Chuckles
-Oh, my God. Oh, my God, look at him.
I need to lay facedown on my hands
on a beanbag right now. -What's the matter, ladies
You didn't realize the old man still had some moves, huh?
-Oh, I know you got the moves. Ooh, yeah.
-Okay, alright, Melanie. Alright, I think it's, uh --
I think it's time for you to go. I'm gonna call your mother
-No! Please! I want to stay.
My mom's a bitch. She's doing Jenny Craig,
and she's making me do it with her.
It sucks. I miss chips! [ Whimpers ]
-Okay. Okay, you can, uh - You can stay.
-Thank you.
And, um, if you're looking for your dad,
he's in the palm of my hand.
-Hey, let's play Truth or Dare
-Oh, yeah! -Okay.
Um, I'll go first, and I choose dare.
And I dare myself to kiss your dad.
[ Chuckles ] Yes, baby. -No, no, no, no, no.
Okay, no, listen, okay, you have to go.
Where's Melanie's mother? Can you please come in here?
-What?! No! How is my mom here?
-I called her as soon as I met you.
-Oh, no. She's a bitch.
She won't let me shave my legs and I need to, like, so bad.
-I-I'm sorry about her.
-It's okay. 13 is a crazy age.
-Oh, no, she's not 13. She's 25.
We lied to her about how lon she was in that Vicodin coma
so she's super-horned up but doesn't know why.
-Oh, Mom, I want to stay. I want to stay.
-No, it's time for you to go Okay, let's get off the beanbag.
-♪♪ Yeah, take me for a ride baby ♪♪
-Come here.