♪♪
Matt?
Matt, are you home?
I'm so worried about him.
He hasn't answered his phone in a week.
Matt?
[door closes]
[thudding] [surprised yells]
[groans]
[gasps]
Oh!
Hi, guys!
Matt!
What happened?
You look--
Different?
Largely different.
I've filled in a little, but I've never felt better.
[screams]
How are you guys?
We've been worried about you, but now,
I feel like maybe we weren't worried enough.
Oh, sorry I haven't been answering your calls.
My phone is in my back pocket,
and I can no longer reach that area.
What has happened to you?
I have been on a cleanse for the last month.
You gained all that weight on a juice cleanse?
Not a juice cleanse, a bacon cleanse.
You've been eating nothing but bacon for a month?
Never felt better.
[crash] - Oh!
That was my last chair.
Matt, you can't just eat bacon for every meal.
That's not how cleanses work.
Of course that's how cleanses work.
You pick one thing and eat only that thing.
Juice, bacon, bacon juice.
That's grease.
I've heard it both ways.
Matt, this isn't healthy.
Just look how much weight you've put on.
I'm fine!
[screams]
See?
Are we going to talk about that?
It's just something the body does.
No, Matt--
You need to see a doctor.
Ha!
I am as healthy as an ox.
And weigh as much as an ox.
Matt, you need a more balanced diet.
Bacon has everything you need to survive, Mal:
Meat.
You can't live on just meat!
Explain that to a lion!
You know, sometimes--
I stood up too fast.
Oh!
[glass shatters]
Ah!
[crashing]
That was unfortunate.
When was the last time you exercised?
When did Shrek come out?
2001.
I've never exercised.
[both groan]
Well, at least he has to get up to cook the bacon.
Actually, it's precooked,
and I have it delivered by Amazon drone.
Sometimes it just hovers above my head and feeds me.
Like an angel dropping bacon manna from heaven.
So, you get no physical activity?
I chew.
Usually.
Ugh, Matt, you can't live like this.
And yet here I am, living, breathing,
sweating in strange places.
But if you go on like this, you're going to die.
Everyone dies, Mallory.
Not everyone truly lives.
[screams]
[screams again]
Okay, maybe I'm not well.
But I can't stop now.
My cuddling opportunities have increased ten-fold.
Matt, your everything has increased ten-fold.
You're right.
I do admit, it'd be nice if I could fit in my bathtub again.
You haven't been bathing?
No, I have.
There's a fountain at the mall...
And now that I've said that out loud,
I'm ready to make some life changes.
Yeah. Yeah.
Would you help me go buy some fruits and vegetables?
Yes. Of course.
Thank you.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh.
Goodbye, old friend.
I've enjoyed our time--
[screams]
Let's go before I die.
Yeah. Come on.
Thank you for watching that sketch.
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and share with all of your vegetarian friends.
They're the self-righteous ones.
That's how you'll know them.
Thank you for watching that sketch.
Make sure to like and share with your vegetarian friends.
They need to hear this message. 01:05:40.637,00:00:00.000 I'll just stay here.