>> This episode of the Modern Rogue,
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>> R-O-G-U-E
>> [singing] Hush little burrito, don't you cry.
Don't say no words or you're going to die.
I've got a shiv and it has your name,
and if I get caught, it's you I'll blame.
>> That was really good.
[laughing]
I didn't know if I could land that!
>> You nailed it!
[laughing]
>> You nailed it, sir!
[film projector crackle]
>> All right, when we decided to do this episode,
we called it a prison burrito.
I did not realize that a prison burrito
is the same thing as spread,
because I have had friends who have gotten out of
minimum-security prison and have cooked for me.
They invited me and my wife over,
and we had a whole meal and they made us spread!
So, the moment I saw these ingredients,
I'm like, I thought we were doing a burrito, not spread!
>> This is spread?
>> Yeah!
>> I thought that meant something very different in prison.
>> In prison, right, so spread is,
the way I had it was in a bowl.
I guess when it's in a bowl and kind of loose,
it's spread,
but we're going to condense it into, like, a fat carby bar.
>> Yeah, kind of a paste almost.
Here's our base.
>> Yep >> This is our burrito.
We're going to take a bunch of these Doritos,
and we need the bag too,
so we've got to be careful with the bag.
>> Now, I believe the recipe is--
We see multiple of them online,
they all disagree, they're all different.
We're going to do our best guess on this,
but in this case,
this is more Doritos than we actually need, right?
>> Yeah, and of course like with any chips,
if you look in there--
>> It's mostly air.
>> Here, let's get rid of maybe a little over half of that.
Do you think?
>> Okay, sure, just--
So the first thing we do is,
we're going to mix this with the ramen.
>> Okay, but do we--
I know there's some crunching at some point.
Do we crunch them all together,
or do we crunch them separate?
>> Yes,
you mash that up.
You can just mash it in the bag if you want.
>> Can I confess something?
>> Let's do it.
>> I love ramen so much, that I figured out
that if you take out this biscuit of ramen,
you run it under the tap so it's all just wet.
You open up that seasoning,
and you just sprinkle that seasoning over it,
and you just eat it like a cracker.
>> Really?
>> It's the best thing ever, so good!
>> Man, if it wasn't so high in sodium,
I would totally do that.
>> Well you can self regulate,
just put a little bit on there.
>> What's your flavor of choice?
>> Chicken or shrimp.
Sometimes beef.
So we want it all the way down to dust?
>> Yeah, you want to get it--
I mean, the ramen is not so important
that you get it to dust,
but I think the burrito, since that's the main substrate.
>> When I think of a burrito,
I think of something wrapped in a flour tortilla,
but we're subverting that, I mean,
it will be more a-- >> Like a tamale almost.
>> Like one of those deep fried burritos.
>> Oh, like a chimichanga?
>> Yeah, right?
>> Mm, Chimichangas,
it's going to be good. >> It's going to be delish.
>> All of the recipes that I've seen have the ramen--
You can see the little chunks of ramen in there.
>> And I would imagine you probably
want a little bit of that texture.
So here's the question:
are we going to put in just part of a flavor packet,
or the whole flavor packet?
>> I don't know man,
because those packets go a long way, right?
>> They do.
And it's not like it's going to be diluted
with a whole bunch of water on there, either.
All right, are we adding this whole thing in there?
>> I don't know, what do you think?
>> BRIAN: That's perfectly dusty.
>> JASON: Do you think that's right?
>> Yeah. All right, so what, add this?
>> Yeah, go ahead and put that in there.
>> BRIAN: So you mix all that up there, I assume, right?
>> Yeah mix it all up really good,
and we're going to go ahead
and put some Slim Jims in there.
Some of the other recipes that we've seen have stuff like,
Cheez-its or different flavored Doritos, Fritos,
whatever you like.
>> A lot of that sounds very carb-centric.
This might be the only really
robust part of the whole thing.
I'm not getting too fancy.
I'm just going to make a bunch of little cubes of Slim Jim.
>> JASON: No, that's good!
>> This is one of those moments where, on paper,
I should be all in on this,
because I love each of these individual ingredients,
but I'm still a little bit afraid of the outside chance
that it's just like, I have one bite
and I just die of salt poisoning.
>> The sodium count in here is going to be like,
at renal failure levels.
[chuckles]
All right, so what, throw all these in there?
>> JASON: Yeah, put them in there.
>> We have the roast beef flavoring packet.
You want to put half of it in there?
>> I think that sounds good.
>> Okay
>> It's a delicious gray color.
>> BRIAN: [laughs] Look at that fine spread.
This is the part where we add hot water, warm water?
>> Very hot water.
>> Okay, so should I zap this just shy of boiling?
>> Yeah, yeah, get it really good.
>> Okay, I think we're just shy of boiling here.
So how much are we--
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
>> You all right?
>> That was a slip and boiling water went on my hand there.
Everything's fine.
We're all fine here; we're good.
So do I fill it up to the line, or what?
>> Fill it, yeah, you want to get everything wet,
but you don't want to get it too soup-y.
So, it's kind of a guessing game.
>> BRIAN: All right, here we go.
[water pouring]
>> JASON: Yeah, it says pour hot water into the bag.
Just enough to cover everything.
What we do is we want to keep the heat in--
>> This is hot.
>> So, make an air-tight pocket with the Dorito bag.
And then we're going to wrap it in this towel
to preserve the heat,
and let it sit for about ten to fifteen minutes.
>> BRIAN: Oh, oh wow!
Okay.
>> It's really pretty amazing how many of these recipes
involve cooking something in a bag of Doritos.
>> I'll tell you what, man.
That Mylar is amazing stuff.
That's part of the reason that people thought
it was an alien that landed at Roswell.
Is because in the 1940s, nobody had seen Mylar before.
That's why you see these reports of, like,
a strange type of metal that nobody's ever seen before.
That was the Mylar from a weather balloon.
>> Agree to disagree.
>> Okay, all right.
[both laughing]
Go back to your documentaries of ancient aliens!
[laughter]
>> Don't you throw that in my face!
[cackling]
>> JASON: Oh, it's warm too?
Okay.
>> [gasps] Oh, you're swaddling your baby burrito!
>> Swaddle your burrito,
and then we're going to sing to it.
[giggles]
>> All right, moment of truth!
What do you think?
Does it feel--
It feels still a little bit warm,
but you can feel how firm it is.
>> Is it firm?
Is it a firm baby burrito?
>> [Brian} It's as firm as anything
I'd get from Taco Bell, right?
I mean, actually it does feel pretty warm.
>> Yeah?
>> I guess at this point--
Here, feel that.
Is it too warm, should we let it wait?
>> It is, it is pretty warm, but you know,
food's good when it's warm, generally.
>> Yeah, okay.
So, let's see.
What, do you just bite this to get that started?
>> Or,
this little seam? >> Oh, the seal!
Smarter, smarter, that's smarter.
Use your teeth to get it started.
>> Or not!
[laughter]
That's what they did online!
[bag crinkling]
>> Hulk, sun's getting real low.
[both laughing]
>> JASON: Okay, do this.
>> Perfect.
>> What a good baby burrito.
[giggling]
That's right. Who didn't call me out?
That's right, you didn't!
It's still very mushy,
I feel like we can leave it out to dry for a while,
and it would be--
[burrito thuds]
[both laughing]
A little bit too much water.
>> Go on. >> Too much water.
>> JASON: What do you think, how does it taste?
>> When you love all of the ingredients
that goes into a thing,
you tend to love the thing.
>> Uh, I don't know!
One time I put mayonnaise on a cherry pie,
didn't work so well. >> Oh God,
I can't believe you said that.
I can't believe that thought is in my mind now.
I have to bury myself in this delicious spread
in order to make that go away.
>> It's not bad.
>> It does make a difference when you get a bite
with a Slim Jim in there.
It's much better with that meaty texture on there.
>> I want to make this with, like,
all sorts of other types of chips now.
Ooh, dude, funions!
>> Oh, that sounds awesome.
>> We haven't even done a weed episode.
[cackling]
>> We're going out of order!
We got to pair this with the CBD oil!
>> That's right!
>> I don't know how to rank this or rate it.
>> Mm, it's edible!
That's how I'm going to rate it!
It's actually, I mean,
you keep taking bites.
I keep taking bites.
It's not disgusting, it's got a good flavor.
>> Here's the important question:
is the sum greater than all the parts?
Would you rather have those individual ingredients,
or would you rather have it all together exactly like this?
>> Uh, you know what?
With a little bit of sauce on here,
like, maybe some enchilada sauce or some sour cream.
I don't know what you can get in the commissary
or steal from the mess hall, but--
I think this would actually be better!
>> I think it's better.
It does taste like a meal, it eats like a meal.
It's delish.
So, I'm going to say, well done prison!
>> Good job!
>> And well done for you to not talkin'.
[tape cassette loading] >> All right, hit me up!
Next big Halloween spooky thing, go ahead.
And go. >> Oh, uh.
>> It's a crab.
>> Guy on the bus that smells like soup!
>> And he's got a crab in his fist.
>> Sure!
>> And when he gets near you, catch phrase!
He whispers... [slurping noises]
>> Uh, you got crabs!
[cackling]
>> And if he looks at you,
and he says, "have you shaved them?".
And you're like, what are you talking about?
And that's all he keeps asking!
He goes, "have you shaved them?".
And then if you get too close,
he'll go, you got crabs!
Oh, sorry.
>> This is terrifying!
You, like, turned into some sort of
bizarre David Lynch thing.
>> Look, man, I'm a monster pitch man!
That's how it works,
but now we've got to get the word out!
How do we get the word out for Soup-drinking Crabman?
If Soup-drinking Crabman wanted to get the word out
about his Halloween legend, he would need a website!
>> He would definitely need a website.
That's the best way to do it.
>> It would have to look--
He's not an HTML guy.
>> No!
>> He's sitting on the bus drinking soup,
you think he's got time to write all that?
>> Instead of homing pigeons,
he throws the crabs out there to spread his message,
it's really ineffective.
>> So what he needs is an easy way
to make a beautiful website that,
most importantly, will scale,
because you know what happens, you get Reddited
or all of a sudden you become a viral sensation.
You need virtual servants that are going to
scale with the excitement so that it doesn't crash on you.
>> Yeah, and Squarespace has lots of tools
for getting your crab-related
and soup-related messages out there.
They have podcast support,
mailing list service,
and email campaigns you can manage
right from their utilities.
>> Eventually he's going to want to sell
Soup-drinking Crabman merchandise.
They got commercial solutions as well,
so that's going to really easy!
>> Yeah.
>> But where does he go to get started?
>> Squarespace dot com forward slash rogue.
He can get ten percent off his first purchase,
and get a free trial.
>> Oh my gosh, so you're saying
he can become familiar with all the tools,
and when he does decide to launch,
all he has to do is do rogue,
and he'll be supporting our show and getting a discount?
>> Yeah, and getting the crab soup revolution started.
I don't know what he calls it.
>> You're welcome, Soup-drinking Crabman.
>> Watch out for him too.
Don't ride the bus.
[laughter]
>> Money in the bank!
[clap]
>> Doritos, Slim Jim, ramen.
F, marry, kill?
>> I would marry Slim Jim,
because it reminds me of Macho Man Randy Savage
>> That is a very legitimate reason,
but I would totally kill.
Also, I did not kill Macho Man Randy Savage.
[laughter]
>> [exaggerated masculine voice] Oh, yeah!
[laughter]
>> [exaggerated masculine voice] Prison burrito is ready!
[laughing]