I am Samantha Bee.
Welcome to "Full Frontal."
Last week, America's one-man white supremacist employment
program managed to talk about his dystopian agenda
using an indoor voice, without mentioning
his electoral college win or deporting anyone from Congress.
Hurray!
For this astonishing feat, the pundits
rained golden compliments down on him in the warmest shower
he's ever had, outside of Moscow.
In his short political career, it's
the best speech he's given.
I feel like, tonight, Donald Trump became the president.
Not only was he more presidential,
he was a politician.
Great reset button for him.
Truly extraordinary moment.
That was one of the most extraordinary moments
you have ever seen in American politics, period.
What the fuck is wrong with you, question mark,
exclamation point, rage emoji?
If pundits set the bar for President Trump any lower,
even Jeff Sessions won't be able to walk under it
without bumping his head.
Look, I know it's extraordinary that he learned
to read something finally.
I didn't think he could do it, either.
But you don't have to gush like he's
a toddler who just made a boom boom on the big boy potty.
Only one person on TV that night wasn't dazzled by a show
of minimal competence.
It's not the Donald Trump that I've seen for the past 30 days.
-Explain. -Where is that guy?
You guys--
Where is the-- where is that guy that says what he wants
to say, that-- that is loud, that, that-- that
says everything is fake news?
Where is that guy?
I'm gonna look for him--
I'm gonna look for him on Twitter tomorrow
and see what he really thinks.
Great job to the speechwriter, but I will
see Donald Trump at 12:00 AM.
[HOOTING]
Don't tell the truth.
It sounds biased.
You know, maybe cable news should
just hire more black women.
Except not you, MSNBC.
We know you'd just sweep her out of the way
to make room for whichever Roger Ailes
harassment survivor pops out of your Underground
Railroad next week.
Sadly, presidential Trump did have long to enjoy his victory
over his own tongue.
President Trump sought to ride the momentum from his speech
to a joint session of Congress last week,
only to find himself enraged by more leaks and suspicion
besieging his administration.
The president was steaming, raging mad.
He is just as we wrote, "steaming, ragingly mad."
Ew, for the love of God, don't make me picture
President Trump steaming.
[LAUGHTER]
With a nervous nation starting to wonder whether Tiffany is
the only person of Trump's acquaintance not talking
to the Kremlin, the president did
what any strong leader would--
hightailed it to Florida faster than a Jewish grandmother
in November.
The first thing you have to understand
is that Mar-a-Lago is sort of President Trump's castle,
as we wrote. It's his safe space.
Aw, snowflake needs a safe space?
PC culture has gotten way out of hand.
You know, at this point, Van Jones'
network should've just thrown the old countdown
clock up there.
President Trump tweeted on Saturday
that "President Obama had my wires tapped in Trump Tower
just before the victory," yet he offered no evidence of this.
Oh, that's new.
White guy shoots himself in the dick,
tries to pin it on a black guy?
When has that ever happened?
To be fair, there's a good chance
Trump fell asleep watching news, rolled over on the remote,
and woke up during "The Wire."
Mr. President, that's not Barack Obama.
I mean, I get why you'd think Obama
would tap-a-puh your phone.
Just look at how angry he is and obsessed with you.
He can barely stay up on that surfboard
from all the rage and hatred for your administration.
While Trump is flip-a-ping out on a daily basis,
every picture of Obama looks like he's
about to sip a pina colada, laugh,
and paraglide off to a photo shoot for "Essence" magazine.
Apparently, the president's intel on felonious
wiretapping was prepared by Steve Bannon's news pepe
of record, reporting on a doolally radio host named Mark
Levin, whose voices told him Obama is behind a silent coup
against Trump.
Solid.
Yeah, just one of those classic coups
where a president uses the might of the government
to spy on an opponent and then doesn't release any
of the information he found, lets the other guy win,
and then isn't president anymore.
Classic coup.
Exactly what that word means.
Now--
[APPLAUSE]
I mean-- if you don't know Mark Levin,
he's something of an Obama expert.
Obama has an affinity for Islam far
more than Christianity and Judaism, no question about it.
The Muslim Brotherhood has infiltrated our government--
it's called Barack Obama!
Oh my god.
And women's voices are shrill?
So, to recap-- president tough guy got his feelings hurt
because his special bridezilla moment got
stepped on by drama between his two boyfriends.
So of course, he finished up a victimization narrative
from the right wing propaganda swamp
and hysterically ugly-cried it all over the internet,
forcing professional journalists to spend the next 72
hours talking to Mike Huckabee's daughter
about whether the most scandal-free
president in living memory is a bigger criminal than Nixon.
It's bananas!
Who would have thought our country would come to this?
I will see Donald Trump at 12:00 AM.
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, right.
Seriously, CNN, give that woman a show already.
We need it.
The other pundits are so eager to declare
Donald Trump presidential, and in one way, he is.
Namely when he spouts nonsense, it
has immediate global consequences
and makes us less safe, because he's the fucking president.
And if there's no one on his staff
brave enough to tell their boss that there's only one
P in "tap," there certainly isn't
anyone brave enough to tell him that Obama
isn't running a coup.
In fact, the president's entire staff
appears to treat him like a dangerously strong show chimp
they you have to bribe with Diet Pepsi
so he won't tear your face off.
He wakes up Sunday morning, however,
and he's in a good mood.
That's because he thinks his allegations against President
Obama were dominating the news.
But he became unhappy later Sunday.
Aides, though, tried to cheer him up
by showing him the new travel ban restricting people
from coming into the country.
Are we going to have to eliminate another civil liberty
every time the president is cranky
and won't go down for his nap?
Oh, don't cry, little Donny.
Hey, look!
It's the keys to the private prisons
where we're going to lock up all the undocumented immigrants.
Oh, he likes it.
We'll be right back.
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC PLAYING]