Hey everyone, this is Rebecca Zung.
So glad you're here.
And this is my very first YouTube Live.
And my topic today is narcissism 101.
And I'm doing this because I've talked a lot about narcissists in the last several months,
and I have a whole course on S.L.A.Y.
Your Negotiation With a Narcissist, and I do webinars and all these things on narcissism,
and I teach people how to negotiate with narcissists, but I haven't ever done a video yet on narcissism
101.
So I thought this would be a perfect topic for my very first YouTube Live, and I'm hoping
that I'll get to see a lot of you guys and meet a lot more of the people right here in
my community.
So if you're dealing with a toxic personality, if you're dealing with someone who is just
awful, seems impossible, you may suspect that they don't care about you, that they only
care about themselves.
You're seeing these signs, you're seeing these red flags, but you're not really sure is this
person actually a narcissist?
Is this person actually this big, bad, horrible word that I've heard?
Right?
And that's what we're going to find out today.
I'm seeing Christine here.
Hello? Yes, I'm so happy to see and meet some of you here in my community.
And I will give you a shout out if I see that you're here.
So let me know that you're here.
So I'm going to start off by just saying that the word narcissist, maybe a lot of you know
this, but some of you may not.
It actually comes from this Greek mythological figure named Narcissus, who looked at himself
in the reflecting pool so many times and he ended up falling in and dying.
And he was like, he would always be looking at himself because he thought he was so beautiful.
So I'm seeing Laura here, I'm seeing Craig here, I'm seeing Lisa here and all kinds of
people.
Karen says, "I just discovered you."
She's in Honolulu.
Hi, from Las Vegas.
Awesome.
When I do my webinars, I get people from all over the world.
Literally, all over the world.
And so narcissism knows no bounds.
And the basic thing about narcissists, yes, they appear to think very highly of themselves.
And they can sometimes be very boastful depending on the type of narcissist you're dealing with.
If you're dealing with a covert narcissist, you won't see that as often.
But the main thing is that they have no ability to care for others.
They have a complete lack of empathy.
Something got broken inside of them years and years ago.
Back when they were children, there was some kind of trauma that happened to them that
caused their wiring be faulty.
And they literally have no inner sense of value and they try to derive all of their
value from the external.
I see someone from Chicago.
Hi, from Chicago.
Awesome.
And I'm seeing Eva saying, "Thank you queen.
Love it."
I love you guys.
And so they have to derive all of their value from the external.
And we call that supply.
So when we refer to narcissistic supply, we're referring to these narcissists trying to grasp
onto whatever they can in order to get that narcissistic supply.
I recently had a conversation with Dr. Ramani, which many of you know that she and I have
done a lot of collaborating together.
And she said they're like rats in a maze.
They're really just after one thing, just that cheese, and that's that external sense
of feeling of value.
And it's like feeding a black hole.
And so once they attach themselves to you as their supply, they're literally like leeches.
They literally suck the blood out of you because they're trying to suck value for themselves
from you.
And they often attach themselves to people who are empaths because they know that empaths
will feel a lot and care a lot and be very sensitive to their needs.
And so you find yourself giving, giving, giving, and not receiving anything in return.
And so you just are left feeling completely drained from all life itself.
So I'm seeing someone from New York, Amber from Maui, Hawaii.
I'm seeing all kinds of people.
Someone from... [inaudible 00:05:05] from Arizona.
This is so cool.
This is my first YouTube Live and it's really cool to get to actually talk to all of you
and see you here.
So, just know that anything that the narcissist does has really nothing to do with you.
They treat you very awfully.
They're going to make it about you.
They're going to make you think that you're the problem.
They're going to project it all onto you like it's your fault, but it's all to do with them
and their need for supply.
And supply can come from all sorts of places.
It can come from having this big house or having a huge bank account or a prestigious
job or the right spouse or living in the right community, but supply most often more so comes
from making people feel devalued, debased, they judge them, they project their problems
onto them, they deflect everything they do or say they.
They gaslight you, they lie, they manipulate.
And all of that is in an effort to protect this fragile little ego that's going on inside
of them.
And so it's never about you.
It's always about them.
And that's one of the things that if you take nothing else from what I say to you in all
of my videos, I want you to understand that.
That you cannot take this personally.
And I know it's really hard because so often, the person that you're dealing with, that's
the narcissist, is the person that you allowed into your life that you are the most vulnerable
with.
It's the person that you're romantically involved with, or it might be a family member or it
could be a boss or a business partner or something like that, but whoever it is that's in your
life, they only choose targets that they can get to that they can really figure out what
your vulnerabilities are and then end up using them against you.
So it ends up being extremely painful, extremely traumatic, and it is abusive.
Whatever form of narcissist you're dealing with, whether it's covert or malignant or...
And I have tons of videos on covert narcissist and all the different forms of narcissists
and the kinds of things that they do, but they all have this inability to care for anyone
else, which is hard to figure out when you think that this person has loved you and that
you've loved them, right?
It's really kind of hard to take and hard to swallow that.
So I just want to just say hi to more of you people.
This is so great.
I'm loving seeing all of you here.
As I said, this is my first YouTube Live, so this is really cool for me to actually
get to interact with you and be able to have you reach me and me reach you a little bit
further.
I love it.
So I have somebody here from Montreal.
So, remember that narcissist have three different phases to their relationships, which is the
love bombing, devaluing, and discarding.
And I'm actually this week doing a whole series on those three phases.
So I just did a video, which came yesterday on love bombing.
Tomorrow, I will be releasing the video on devaluing, and Friday, the video on discarding
will come out.
And they actually vacillate between the three phases.
And so they can be devaluing you and then go back to love bombing you, or even into
the discard phase and be love bombing you.
And sometimes, that's called hoovering, but they can be vacillating back and forth between
these three phases all the time, because they use all three phases as a form of control.
They are looking for ways to control you.
So sometimes, if they've devalued you too much and they realize, "Oh, maybe I don't
want to be in a relationship with this person anymore.
Maybe I don't want to give this person the supply that I've been giving them."
You don't use the word supply, but in their words, that's how they think of it.
Then they start to love bomb you again.
"Oh, I'm so sorry."
Certain narcissists will say sorry, more of the covert ones.
But whatever form you're dealing with, they'll go back to love bombing you in whatever way
they did in order to get you to move off of that ledge.
Get you to move off of that position.
Come on back, start giving me the supply again.
So they use love bombing as a way to get that supply coming their way once again.
And so, they might promise you something.
They might say, "Oh, I'll never do that again," or whatever.
Or, "Of course, I'll start doing this thing," that you want them to do that you think is
really important to you.
And they'll give you a lot of lip service.
Their lips will move.
And they're really, really good at manipulating.
I always say they're master manipulators, and then right back to be devaluing again.
So it's love bomb, devalue, love bomb, devalue, and it's an extremely toxic way to be because
your brain is actually left attached to them.
It's a form of trauma bonding because they go back and forth between these phases.
When they're love bombing you and devaluing you, your dopamine levels end up actually
being released in your brain, and so your brain is left craving that dopamine release
again, and you become trauma bonded to the narcissist, but just understand that that
is not true love at all.
You cannot experience true love with someone who is incapable of loving.
So I just want to pop over and see a couple of you guys that are here.
I see Louise from Australia.
Shout out to you down [inaudible 00:00:12:01].
Love it.
I have a lot of you guys who tune in from Australia for me.
And I love it.
And several of you have bought my program in both Australia and New Zealand, which is
pretty cool.
So when you are negotiating with a narcissist, one of the things that you should always remember
is, in any negotiation, is that all people want to feel seen, heard, and know that they
matter.
We all do.
We all have...
Being a narcissist is really sort of like on the end of a continuum of being a human.
We all want to feel seen, heard, and know that we matter.
The difference is when you're on the narcissism end of the continuum, you cannot see, feel,
or have any feelings for other people.
You only care about yourself.
So we all want to feel validated in some way, and that's what's going on in a negotiation.
So the key to negotiating with a narcissist, and this is what I teach in my programs and
in my webinars, is how to actually motivate the narcissist into wanting to have a conversation
with you.
And that key is going to be in your strategy and in your leverage and in looking at the
various forms of supply and figuring out which supply is going to mean more to them to keep
than the supply that they get from jerking you around because they get supply from jerking
you around.
So when they constantly move the goalpost and you've got letters going back and forth
trying to settle your case, and all of a sudden, the deal has changed.
And you think, "Why did that happen?"
Well, because they get supply from jerking you around.
So creating a strategy and creating leverage that boxes them in is absolutely essential.
So for those of you who are out there right now working with a narcissist and trying to
resolve a divorce or any kind of a legal matter, and you're trying a collaborative process,
you're actually playing into the fact that they are now getting an opportunity to jerk
you around more.
You're giving them more opportunity to get supply.
And remember that supply is what feeds their ego.
It's the oxygen source that they need in order to breathe.
It's their breath basically.
And so, the only way that you can deal with narcissists is by having a super strong strategy
and leverage, and then you want to get the hell out of there.
So for those of you who are dealing with narcissists and you want more powerful ways to communicate
with narcissists, I highly recommend that you join me on my webinar.
I have a free webinar.
It's called the 3 MUST HAVE Secrets to Communicating with a Narcissist, and the subtitle of it
is Take Back Your Power.
And it's totally free.
So join me on that.
If you are getting ready to negotiate with a narcissist, grab my free Crush My Negotiation
Prep Worksheet.
It's literally 15 pages.
I call it a worksheet.
It's really an ebook.
And I give it to you for free.
You can get that at winmynegotiation.com, if you haven't already grabbed that.
And I'm so excited that you all were here.
I'm so excited to have met all of you.
And Linda's saying that this is an eyeopener.
I love to hear that.
I see Billy from Tennessee and I see Amber just ordered my book.
Thank you so much.
I really hope it's helpful for you.
And Amber, go ahead and grab my Crush My Negotiation Prep Worksheet.
That'll be helpful for you too.
Again, it's totally free.
And I'm Rebecca Zung.
And if you haven't already subscribed to my channel, make sure you do that.
Subscribe, hit the notification bell, and I'm so excited to see all your comments.
I love helping all of you guys.
I know that you're in pain and I know that you're in a place of hell and darkness.
I've been there.
For those of you who follow me and watch my YouTube videos on a regular basis, you know
I've had to deal with not one, but two covert narcissists.
I especially hate covert narcissists because of how they look normal to the world and then
they try to make your life, or they do make your life a living hell.
And so I have plenty of videos on them because I really can't stand them.
And so that's why I do this work.
I've been a lawyer for a long time.
I've gotten every accolade a lawyer can win, but I do this work specifically to help victims
of narcissism because I've been there and I've also had to deal with them in my law
practice.
So, for all of you who joined me today, I send you light, I send you love, I send you
strength, and I send you peace.
Thank you so much for being here on my very first YouTube Live.
And I'll see you on the next one.