Hello there
most of the negative dynamics in relationships
the ones that are fatal involve negative tailspins.
Essentially a pattern in one person
creates a pattern in the next person
which triggers the pattern and the first person even worse which
exacerbates the pattern in the second person
and this keeps going and going and going and going
until the relationships dissolve
one such common dynamic happens most often
between men and women but it can happen between same-sex couples
So I want you to keep an open mind
about this, but I am going to for the sake of this video
assume, this is a male/female relationship
and tell you how this usually goes.
To begin with, a man is interested in a woman.
Because of this he goes into pursuit mode.
He essentially steps into the embodiment of his best and highest self.
This is what we in the modern world call putting our best foot forward.
He is super attuned to the woman
he wants to secure as a mate, he is goal-oriented.
The woman is his new goal
And so she becomes his number one priority.
He is focused and attentive to her needs and wants
He's connected and gets her undivided attention and presence
and simply wants to be with her.
So how does the woman respond to this?
The woman feels like she has met her soulmate.
Oh my God, she's found a guy who's completely
100% committed totally interested
putting all his focus and attention on her
she finally has the present she desires,
and so what does she do?
She commits.
So what happens the second she commits?
The man hold a baton switch.
The man has achieved his goal.
So what happens? He essentially relaxes.
He decides to go back to focusing on all the things he neglected
while he was chasing the woman or even focusing on his next goal.
It's at this point that he starts to expect
the woman to love him for who he really is.
Except that's not who she fell for.
So there's a withdrawal of his attentive focused energy
which was at first coming towards her and towards connections
Seemingly overnight he turns back into who he really is
when pursuing her is not a goal
which sometimes entails exhibiting the exact opposite
personality traits that he demonstrated during the pursuit phase.
I must mention that one other potential
for the baton switch during this point in a relationship
is if a man is genuinely afraid of intimacy
Think about like this when a man is in pursuit mode
a woman isn't coming towards him,
she's kind of going away from him
He's pursuing. He's trying to get her interested
in the minute that she says yes,
That commitment terrifies the hell out of this guy
Because he is really afraid of being seen being heard being felt.
Now, if this is the kind of guy that we're dealing with
There may be many potentials, why deep down he fears
being seen and heard and felt so much
There's a potential that he's completely terrified
that if he gets totally attached that he's going to lose the woman
There's another potential that he's terrified that if he gets attached
She's going to engulf his personality
He's going to lose himself completely.
Now this type of the guy can pull a Bait-And-switch maneuver as well
But instead of it just being that he's no longer goal oriented
towards the woman, he's genuinely terrified of intimacy
Now again when I use the word intimacy in this context
I am not referring to just sex because let's just be honest
people can have sex without intimacy.
Intimacy means to see into someone, to feel into someone,
to listen to someone to completely understand them.
It's to let them into your internal world.
Especially on an emotional level,
however, genuine intimacy Involves mentally emotionally and physically
letting someone in and becoming connected.
Either way let's go back to what happens at this point in this relationship
the man's averts his attention to other things
He stops the game of securing his mate.
Now his attention goes somewhere else towards his other needs and life.
He wants to keep her but seeing as how she is no longer the end goal,
He wants to keep her by doing things that do not require
that focused pursuit, or deep intimate connection
He focuses on providing other things for her.
In a typical modern Male/female relationship this is usually money
All his attention goes towards things that he believes she needs
that do not threaten him or distract him from his new goals
He is no longer attentive to her actual needs and wants.
He is no longer seeing her feeling her understanding her or connecting with her.
It's at this point that the woman slowly starts feeling duped.
She realizes she's desperately lonely.
this person who used to chase her
used to make her sort of the goddess of his world,
now, is making her feel like she's worth nothing
she'll never be the first priority
Even though this woman is starving emotionally
She's not going to be able to tell the man
that she's starving emotionally. Why?
Because the last thing on earth a woman wants to do
is to walk up to a man and say:
"I need you to be with me and I need you to want to want me."
That's not at all what women want.
No woman wants to feel like a man is giving her attention for her sake.
What she wants is to be with a man who wants to be with her.
And do you blame her?
I mean imagine a guy walking into a relationship from the Get-go as he is
when the relationship continues.
This is how it would go.
Hey, babe, I can't focus on what I really want to be focused on
unless you get off my case,
So I'll focus on you totally for your sake,
so you can get off my case, so I can focus on what I really want to focus on.
Let's be honest that man wouldn't get a single date.
So what happens when this dynamic goes on?
the woman starts feeling really resentful.
It is unfair.
It's a Bait-And-Switch.
Because of that resentment she starts getting angrier and angrier,
until she's angry all the time.
The anger of resentment that he feels coming from her,
makes him really confused.
After all he's not actually consciously aware that he's pulled a bait and switch.
He's just being himself.
He doesn't understand that you sold himself as a completely different person
than he's being right now.
And so, because he's so confused, and he has no way to make her happy
because he's being himself
and trying to do everything right according to his conscious mind,
he has no other option but withdraw.
He does not understand that he is giving her no presence.
No real intimacy. No connection.
He thinks that being on the computer in the same room is being with her.
That working on making money is working for her.
So, essentially he interprets the things he does,
as being connected to her.
There is always a higher priority in his life than just being with her,
and so he feels like he's doing everything he can
To try to make her happy and it's never enough.
It isn't enough because it isn't what she is actually asking for.
what she is asking for is a non doing.
It is being present with her like she has with him in the beginning,
when all he wanted was to be with her
So like I said man feels powerless to making the woman unhappy.
What does he do to cope with this?
Because it's starting to decrease his self-esteem
when he can't make his partner unhappy, is he withdraws.
Now it's at this point that the couple goes into a tailspin.
His withdrawal makes her feel more and more starved
more desperate and therefore more resentful and more angry.
Which makes him feel, more like withdrawing.
Which makes her more desperate, more needy,
more starved, more clingy and more angry.
Which makes him withdraw more.
can I keep going?
Do you see how this cycle goes? This is a tailspin.
Now here's the painful part;
if this dynamic continues, there is no other way
for the relationship to go and to dissolve.
The only way to pull a couple out of this tailspin is to add back
what was removed for them to go into a tailspin and that is intimacy.
Now I'm going to get aggressive with you
and tell you that if you're in one of these tailspins
No less than four hours a day of solid intimate connection.
This means you stop the things that have to be done,
and you spend complete focused attention
on just being connected to each other.
See into each other, feel into each other,
understand each other give each other undivided attention
Learn everything you can learn about the other person on that specific day.
Now, if you're in one of these relationships where
when I just mentioned the idea of four hours spent
in perfect attunement with your partner,
and you started feeling a little antsy that's a little bit of a problem
you should probably look into.
now sometimes when I say this people go:
"Oh my God that's going to be so incredibly boring.
I don't even know what to do."
It wasn't born when you were first dating.
Why is that? Because you think this person.
Now this is the reality check for you. People are in a constant state of flux.
Even if you think you know the various personalities
the multitude within the person,
emotion shift on any given day.
So a person is never the same from one moment to the next.
So you can't actually ever truly know someone.
So I want you to start to approach people with this attitude.
Especially if this is your partner.
"I never know who this person is going to be on any given day."
So every single day is an exploration.
Now here's the thing;
If you are dedicating yourself to pulling yourself out of the tailspin
by doing this deep intimate connecting on a daily basis,
I am only going to allow you to do something,
meaning hike together, or swim together,
or watch a movie together,
if you are able to do in a state of constant connection.
Now for those of you who are super super confused
with what the hell that just meant,
I want you to think back to when you were first dating this person.
Let's say that what you did on your first date was to go out to a movie.
Chances are you weren't fully engrossed in that movie.
Chances are you spent your time looking over at her
and the way that the light reflected off of her face.
You could feel her next to you even when you were watching the movie.
that is a state of connection.
Chances are if you went out and played a billiards game together
same goes for that.
even though you were focused on maybe hitting the ball you had a part of you
that was dedicated the whole time you were doing that
to her and what she was doing
And how she was feeling. You were attuned to her
at the same time as you were doing.
if you are not capable of doing at the same time as remaining in connection.
I'm going to tell you that you cannot do.
You have to literally sit down face to face and make your
ONLY practice
being with non-doing and connecting with that person.
So here's another way of looking at this;
You in order to have a successful relationship,
have to continue to play the game of pursuit
even after you have achieved the goal of getting the relationship.
You as a couple need to begin the art of connecting with each other.
Now if you want to learn how to connect with someone,
watch my video on YouTube titled:
How To Connect With Someone
Look if you're a guy, and you struggle with presence
to the degree that you're severely goal-oriented
You may need to make a different end goal,
that involves the woman in your life.
A goal that you can never fully reach,
or a goal that's renewed every single day.
For the sake of those of you watching
I'm just going to assume the majority of you are not in relationships
because of the things you do for each other.
you're more in a relationship because you genuinely wanted to be together
So let's assume that you're in love right?
If you're in this kind of a relationship the things that have to be done,
whether it's work or whatever, those things
that pull you away from deep intimate connection.
They've got to be in a box.
The best way to put them in a box, is scheduling.
Saying this time is dedicated to this and then it stops.
And this time is fully dedicated to my partner.
But I do have to say that the minute that this becomes a chore,
essentially giving time or spending time with your committed partner,
you really need to be asking yourself
why it's such a chore.
What would you rather be doing instead?
And if you would rather be doing so many other things instead,
what the hell is the point of having a partner?
It's highly unlikely that I'm going to get my way any time soon.
But if I have my way, there would be no such thing as a dating game.
It's kind of said that we feel like we have to put our best foot forward
because we can't be loved for anything other than our best foot forward.
Because we do people into relationships with the wrong people when we do this.
And it takes us three months to figure out who the other person really is
before breaking up because we don't actually like that person
So my suggestion is to enter into relationships as you intend to continue.
Or you're dating behaviors or dating phase of the relationship,
needs to continue for the duration of the relationship.
So assuming that you got into a relationship where you genuinely
love that person.
where you want that partnership.
And a partnership that is based on more than just what you do
to create a life together.
The number one most important thing that you can do for and with
each other is time every day where you are deeply connected.
Where you are seeing into that person,
feeling into that person, listening to them,
understanding them, becoming an expert on them.
Undivided attention.
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte