And so we're talking to Stewart in Texas. Hi Stuart, are you there?
Yes, sir.
Can you hear me? Yes. How many we help you?
Well, I got a little bit of a tricky situation. Um, uh,
been married for, um, 10 going on 11 years.
And, um, you we've had a fairly great marriage. We started off as a limerence.
Um, no doubt. There's no doubt that we started off as a limerence,
but we were both single and the option
to get in a relationship or to develop into a relationship was viable.
So we did. And, uh, and we've had a great marriage. Um,
we're not the types to, to, to fight and, and, you know,
yell and had these knock-down drag-out fights and stuff.
We were pretty good about talking reasonably and keeping our cool and stuff like
that. Well, anyway, over the last year,
um, we, we bought a house a year ago and, and we've had some,
some trying times with that cause, uh,
we basically gutted it and we're remodeling it entirely ourselves.
And so doing that, you know, um, takes,
takes me out of the current house that we live in and leaves,
leaves her with a lot of things to do and this and that on a daily basis.
And so anyways, long story short, there have been some things that,
that have caused our marriage to, um, or not necessarily our marriage,
but caused us to drift apart just a little bit. And, um, well anyway,
a coworker that she was friends with, um,
they started to talk a little bit more and I, and I told her, you know,
I'm okay with that. That's fine. You know, everybody needs friends. Um,
but then it started to get longer and longer until it to the point where she was
spending a couple hours a night or more, um,
talking on Facebook messenger to this person. Um, and, and so,
um, anyway, she doesn't, um, and,
and this is all just a matter of like three or four months, I guess.
Well, anyway, um, about three weeks ago, um,
I was talking to her about it and, and I, you know, and I said, Hey, you know,
this it's kinda getting to be excessive. And, and, uh, anyway,
she basically ignored it. And shortly after, um, we're having a conversation,
I asked her if she had feelings for this person and she got quiet,
and then I said, you do don't you? And she said, yes, well, it's,
it's kinda odd because I, I can't fathom it because, um,
I've asked her questions. She doesn't know a whole lot about this person.
She just knows a lot from what she sees on the face of her phone.
But she, she, she tells me that she loves him.
Like she has strong feelings for him and she loves him.
They haven't told each other that, but anyway, um, it's kind of an odd deal,
but before they decided that they had feelings for each other, um,
he had made the comment several times, like, yeah, your husband is pretty cool.
You know, we could probably be friends and this and that. Well, um,
I met with him last night and, and, uh, it was kind of, uh, it w it was,
it was a pretty good conversation. He's a pretty intellectual guy. Um,
but anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this.
I didn't know I was going to be called on the air. I thought that the,
that the screen color was kind of was going to submit my question for me.
But, uh, anyway, and then of course,
I'm in the middle of my wife telling me that she wants to leave me.
So my head is basically scrambled.
I can understand that. So in this conversation with a guy last night, what,
if anything, did you accomplish with that conversation?
Um, well, it's, um, he,
he has established that he does not want to be that guy.
He doesn't at first off his career would suffer because he's actually in her
chain of command, um, at the place where they work or he's in her leadership,
I should say. It's not yet.
He makes any kind of, uh,
did he make any kind of a promise that he was not going to be involved with them
anymore or anything like that?
No. No, no, not that he, I, and I told him, I said,
I don't want you to stop, but you know, deep down, yeah, I want you to stop.
I want you to go away. I want you to disappear, but that would hurt my wife.
And I don't want that. So, uh, because I care enough about her,
that I don't want her to be hurting from this.
We had started seeking marriage counseling and she made a deal, um,
to the counselor while, while he had us individual. And, um, she told him, well,
I'll stop talking to them outside of work. Well,
about five or six days into that, it was getting really rough on our end.
And she was harboring resentment towards me because she couldn't talk to her
friends, you know, or, or her guy.
So let me make sure I'm understanding what you're saying here.
You told him that he could continue to have these conversations with your wife.
That's what it is. Is that what I'm hearing?
Well, no, no. I, I, you know, I told him, I said, I don't mind.
Y'all being friends. That's, that's not an issue, but.
Quite funny. Is that not an issue? Why is that not an issue?
Well, well, you know, I don't really know, um,
because I don't want to, if I were to go and tell him, look, dude,
you just need to disappear or you need to just stop my wife. She would be like,
no, you're trying to control this. I'm out.
Don't you think that you're the villainized anyway. Yeah.
Since you're being billed as anyway, if you're being built on us anyway,
and that's part of the course, that's what happens to these situations.
You realize that if he, if she continues to have conversations with this guy,
it continues to feed these emotions and help to intensify them.
Or are you aware of that?
Well, I asked her, I said, well, my, I told her, I said,
my biggest concern is you talking to him a bunch and solidifying what y'all got.
And she's like, there is no solidifying what we've got.
I already feel way I feel for him.
Yes. But you are also speaking to someone who's not living in logic right now.
So I don't know that I would get my, you know, she, of course,
she's not going to say, yeah, you know the opposite of that.
She's not going to say yes, the more we talk,
the more I fall in love with him because she,
because she knows she's not supposed to be doing it.
Yeah. Whatever she says to you,
it's going to be things that would help to facilitate continuing to have
conversations with them. If he was willing, if he was saying, well,
I don't want to be that guy. I want to get out of this.
Then that's really his choice. And, and for you to even suggest, well, no,
that'll hurt her. Maybe you should continue to talk to her. And he,
that actually is controlling. Believe it or not, because he's saying,
I don't want to be that guy.
And I needed to do something about this then saying, you know, it's your choice.
Obviously, I can't stop you from communicating with my wife.
There's no way I could stop that. But if you choose not to do that,
because it's you feel it's the right thing to do for you,
then I certainly honor that. Will she get angry? Sure. When she might hold it,
maybe she might, she hold that against you. Sure.
But my guess is it's not going to be a whole lot worse than what it is right
now. She's telling you, I'm in love with the guy and all those kinds of things.
I understand. You're trying not to hurt her. I really get that.
And to some degree, I appreciate that,
but I don't think that that was the wisest course of action.
But I also don't think that this is not hurting her. I think short term,
the focus is this isn't going to hurt her today,
tomorrow in the next couple of weeks, maybe even the next couple of months,
but term you're putting her in a situation where she's going to continue to
battle these feelings and just what she's going to go through emotionally. The,
I mean, the psychology, just all of it.
I think more damage is going to happen to her longterm.
If these two things continue to happen.
Right? And we appreciate people not being dominated and controlling. I mean,
we really do understand that, but,
but the fact that the conversation already happened anyway, and he was saying,
he doesn't want to be that guy.
I don't see this being a dominating and controlling to say, thank you.
I'm glad you're leaving the picture.
I think in your effort not to lose your wife,
you may be feeding more of these emotions into your wife.
And I know that you don't mean that. I'm not saying you're a bad guy, but, uh,
if it were, and you have to make your own decisions,
everybody has to make their own decisions. But if it were, uh,
I wouldn't be doing anything that would encourage the two of them having any
further conversations with each other. And, and if she gets angry about that,
and I would accept that as being par for the course that we're going to go
through some rough times are going to be some rough waters we go through.
But if we're going to put this thing back together,
but the sooner he stops reciprocating,
the sooner he stops feeding these emotions back to her,
then the sooner that limits thing is eventually going to end.
He won't end day one. It'll actually exacerbate to begin with.
Like we were saying to manual in Brazil,
it likely to get stronger begin with if he cuts off contact with her,
but it will, at some point finally fade. And until that does,
as Kimberly says, I liked the way you phrase it.
She's not living in logic and people in deep emotions do whatever they
can to continue those emotions.
And so we don't expect them to be the sources of great logic or even graded by.
[Inaudible].