- NFL, what the 30-yard frick
is wrong with your organization?
Is your helmet on too tight, or not tight enough?
Because let's be real,
you're not thinking straight!
- Your sport is so bad, England doesn't even wanna play it!
And those are the same guys who play cricket,
willingly!
- You're America's sport!
And I mean that in a derogatory way!
Your organization is filled with so many scandals,
your lawyers need lawyers,
and those lawyers need lawyers,
and those lawyers need therapy!
Nice work on fantasy football.
Now how about working on my fantasy
of a football fan who doesn't smell like beer cheese?
- And sure, you have given white dudes with no personality
something to talk about on Sundays,
but does not make up for whatever this is.
- We're gonna tackle these issues
and put them on a loosely-regulated concussion protocol.
- NFL!
- [All] Let us fix you!
- All right, NFL, let's start out with something
a little bit more serious.
These brain injuries,
they've gotten completely outta control.
A head injury is so dangerous,
and yet you've got these big guys
running into each other head-first every week,
making big old bowls of brain soup.
If I got a concussion,
I wouldn't be allowed to sleep for 48 hours.
But Aaron Donald can tackle you going 48 miles per hour?
It is time to make a change once and for all.
And mmh, what's safer than a head injury?
A butt injury.
That's right.
The solution is simple.
Take those players, flip 'em 180 degrees,
play the whole game backwards.
And who is gonna complain
about a bunch of big old beefy butts
slamming into each other every week?
"Not I," said the cat.
Let's just let nature's crash pad do all the work.
And if we're playing the game backwards,
we can finally get rid of all those pesky helmets,
take a look at all those handsome players underneath.
Fixed!
- NFL, let's be real.
Your fans are more intense
than the spices at a three-star Thai restaurant.
I've got some questions for all you NFL fans.
First off, why are you wearing a Halloween costume
of a person right in front of that person
while they're at work?
And why do you insist on destroying your city
when your team wins the Super Bowl?
That'd be like if "La La Land" won Best Picture,
and the cast and crew went out
and tore down the Hollywood sign.
Good thing "Moonlight" won.
Listen, NFL, it's time your fans
shape up before they burn down a (beep) city.
Here's the solution.
Every NFL game is now a black-tie event.
It's a bona fide cotillion at Lambeau Field.
No more beer and pretzels.
Every stadium serves port wine and crudite.
It's not so easy to start a fight in the stands
when you're worried about spilling red wine
all over your cummerbund.
And good luck yelling insults at the players
when you're too busy being laughed at
for using your salad fork for the pork medallions.
Fixed!
- NFL, your ethics are terrible.
Who's in charge of your moral code, a poodle's asshole?
Because they're dog (beep).
- First problem.
Your players are diverse,
but your coaching staff is whiter
than a pickleball tournament in Orange County.
- Here's your fix.
One game per season,
have the coaches switch with the players.
Let's see how much you love Bill Belichick
when he's playing left tackle during the playoffs.
- Next, your players have so many scandals,
if they wanted to make a documentary
about every single one of them,
they'd have to invent a new Netflix.
- Here's the plan.
Every NFL player gets an understudy.
But not a football player,
a Broadway understudy who doesn't understand sports.
If a player does something illegal,
the team is on their hands,
because Sheldon Kellerman just graduated Carnegie Mellon
and has never watched football in his life.
- And finally, your cheerleaders are constantly harassed.
They make such little money,
their salary is technically called an allowance.
- The solve, make cheerleading a federal position.
That's right.
These national heroes will get better pay,
better benefits, and some goddamn respect.
And like the Supreme Court,
it will be a lifetime appointment.
That's right.
These cheerleaders are gonna cheer
'til their literally dead.
No one's gonna mess with Patty
when she's well into her sixties.
- Plus, once the season is over,
you can use the cheerleaders
for other government jobs.
Tammy from the Bengals is your new comptroller.
Katrina from the Cardinals,
she works in national parks.
And Sasha from the Texans,
she works in the DMV.
Give me a form of identification!
- Driver's license!
- Give me another form of identification!
- A birth certificate!
- Give me a registration!
- I didn't know I had to bring that!
- [Both] Fixed!
- Every city worships these players
who couldn't care less about what city they live in.
You think Patrick Mahomes is dying to live in Kansas City,
a city that sucks so bad that Kansas didn't even want it?
We need to get these players into cities
that truly represent who they are
so they can be proud of the city they play for.
So, here's what you do.
Instead of a draft,
every NFL player takes a Buzzfeed quiz
to pick a city that matches their personality best.
Jalen Ramsey prefers chocolate ice cream,
and his favorite Disney movie is "Mulan"?
Pack your bags, beef cake.
You're moving to Jacksonville.
Aaron Rodgers says his spirit animal is a shark,
and that his main attribute is silly.
Hope you like turquoise, bucko,
'cause you're moving to Glendale, Arizona.
Hut-hut, fixed!
- With our help, your organization
will look something like this.
Good afternoon.
I'm the owner and manager of the Minnesota Vikings.
We have some exciting changes to our player roster.
We have a promising new draft class
that all agree that listening to music with friends
is the best way to spend the weekend.
Also, one of our cheerleaders is turning 75 today.
Be sure to give her a happy birthday
when she comes back from her work as a public defender.
I also want to take a moment to honor
our number one fan
who has been to every single game this season.
Give it up for Ronald Jungles.
Fantastic work, gentlemen.
I just want to say respectfully
that Tom Brady is a worthless piece of dog (beep).
Go Vikings!
Now, unfortunately, our running back was arrested
on four counts of illegal gambling.
So please welcome our new running back,
Sheldon Kellerman.
Don't mind me, just rehearsing.
Practicing.
I'm practicing.
♪ It's a game of luck ♪
♪ It's a game of thrill ♪
♪ It's a game of love ♪
♪ It's a game of skill ♪
- Now I'll be joining Sheldon on the field
as a defensive lineman,
and I fully expect to die on the field.
It's been a pleasure serving you.
Go Vikings!
- You're welcome, NFL!
Let us know in the comments
what other businesses you'd like us to fix.
- [All] And we'll fix them!
- NFL, let us fix you!
- Coldplay style.
(Jackie laughs)
That'd be like if "La La Land" won Best Picture,
and the cast and crew went out
and tore down the Hollywood sign.
Good thing "Moonlight" won.
(crew laughs)
- [Crew Member] That was really good, you want it again?
- I feel good about that.