- Hey everybody.
Today, we're gonna talk about
how to healthily be in a relationship
with someone who has borderline personality disorder.
Before we jump into this important topic,
are you new to my channel?
Welcome.
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all about mental health,
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Now first, as always,
let's define what borderline personality disorder,
or BPD, really is,
and what it can mean for those in relationships
with someone who has it.
Now, BPD is a mental illness
marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods,
self-image, and behavior.
These symptoms often result in impulsive actions
and problems in relationships.
Some of the symptoms I'm talking about
are intense fear of rejection, separation, or abandonment;
rapid changes between thinking someone's perfect
to believing they're evil;
risky behaviors including unsafe sex, gambling,
drug use, or accumulating credit card debt;
threats of suicide or self-harm;
difficulty empathizing with other people;
mood swings from euphoria
to intense shame or self-criticism;
and frequently losing one's temper.
People with borderline personality disorder
tend to view things in extremes such as all good or all bad,
and their opinions of other people
can also change really quickly.
An individual who's seen as a friend one day
may be considered an enemy or a traitor the next.
And these shifting feelings can lead
to intense and unstable relationships.
I've often referred to those with BPD
as emotional burn victims
because they feel everything in life very intensely
and are sensitive to any shifts or perceived wrongs.
And I also feel it's important to mention
that BPD is called other things in other countries
and in some blogs online.
Some refer to BPD as emotionally unstable
personality disorder or emotion disregulation disorder,
but as far as I know and was taught in school,
borderline personality disorder
is the only actual diagnosis.
Even if we call it something else,
it still shows the same symptoms of BPD.
Also, if you want to learn the full diagnostic criteria
for BPD, you can click the link in the description
for my video all about it.
Now, as I'm sure you can see,
it could be really hard to be in a relationship
with someone who has BPD
because they can be impulsive, easily upset, and reactive.
But there are some tools that we can utilize
to ensure a much healthier and happier situation.
And my first tool?
Learn about borderline personality disorder.
How can we manage something that we don't even understand?
We can't.
So we need to talk with our loved one about their BPD
and how they're experiencing it.
Because everyone's gonna be different
and they'll struggle with different symptoms
more than others.
So talk with them.
Seek to understand, not judge.
There are also two books that I always recommend
to those who are close to someone with BPD.
They are, number one, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me,
and number two, Stop Walking on Eggshells.
They're both great for understanding the diagnosis,
but also how we can better manage the symptoms
that are hurting our relationship.
And I will link those in the description
if you want to click over and buy those for yourself.
Number two, trying to keep your home life with them
as calm and relaxed as possible.
I know it's not always possible, but just doing our best
because those with BPD do really well
in situations that are predictable.
So keeping home life as upset-free as possible is best,
and it can often mitigate any crisis they may be feeling.
Also, if they're in crisis mode,
it's not a good time to bring up any issue
you may be having with them
or tell them they need to get help.
Remaining calm and relaxed until the crisis passes is best,
and then you can bring up something
that may be upsetting you.
Number three, now if we're gonna talk with them
about something that is upsetting us,
that moves us into our next tip, keeping it simple.
Since those with BPD can be constantly reacting
out of their emotion mind,
meaning not their very logical or reasonable one,
it will be hard for them to actually hear
and understand what you're saying
without getting upset and lashing back at you.
They can even take simple statements
and turn them into personal attacks.
So instead of always fighting
or feeling like we can't every speak up,
just keep it simple.
by keeping our sentences short, simple, and direct,
you'll give them a chance to actually hear you
and hopefully not react,
but respond with understanding and love.
Number four, creating and upholding healthy boundaries.
Those with BPD need boundaries.
Setting a boundary can sometimes
snap them out of their delusional thinking
because they often turn one thing you did
into a much larger issue
or take something you said out of context
and then get more angry about it.
So by holding up healthy and reasonable boundaries,
you prevent them from spiraling
into their black and white thinking pattern
and making things a lot worse.
And in all honesty, as a clinician
who works with a lot of BPD patients,
it makes them feel better
and it calms them down more quickly.
So a little tough love and a little boundary setting
can go a long, long way.
My fifth tip, calling their bluff.
Surprisingly, I promise, it's also really helpful.
But just before I get into that,
creating boundaries and calling their bluff
both require that you build up their self-esteem first,
meaning we can't enter a relationship with them
calling them on their shit
and telling them that they're crossing a boundary.
We can't do that out of the blue.
We have to let them know we care first
and can see all the wonderful traits about them.
I mean, after all, there is a reason
that you're in a relationship with them, right?
Once you've done that,
you need to learn to be assertive, hold your ground.
It's okay to say you didn't do
what they're claiming you did
and you won't engage in that sort of a conversation.
Or you can tell them that they're blowing
this whole thing way out of proportion.
If we always give in to them
when they're engaging in their BPD behavior,
it will only make things worse.
Because think about it, we're creating a cycle, right?
If they believe that what they're saying is true
and we react out of it, we're almost sabotaging it
and telling them yes, I did act like this,
and yes, I am a jerk.
If we just hold our ground and say no,
we can stop that cycle from getting started.
Also, I think it's really important to know
that giving them control all the time
doesn't end up making them feel better
or more safe or secure.
It actually causes the opposite to happen.
So calling them on their misinterpretations
and black and white thinking sounds crazy,
but I promise you, it's best.
Number six, take their suicide
or self-injury threats seriously.
I know these are common among those with BPD,
and many see these threats as manipulative
and done for attention, but what you don't know
is that roughly 10% of those with BPD die from suicide,
which means that if they're threatening
to kill or harm themselves,
or even if they're just telling you
they've been thinking about it or planning it,
we need to get some professional help involved ASAP.
Call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline.
In short, recognize that they are in deep, deep pain
and express your concern
while still maintaining your healthy boundaries.
Number seven, encouraging them to seek therapy.
Unlike a lot of other diagnoses,
most BPD people welcome the idea of therapy,
and I believe this is because they're uncomfortable
with how they feel
and would love to find a way to make that stop,
which is why there is hope
and many people with BPD do fully recover.
I just want you to hear that.
Many people with BPD do fully recover,
so supporting them in these efforts
can be great for your lasting relationship.
Now DBT has been shown
to be the most effective type of treatment.
We've talked about that before.
But if it's not available, CBT can help,
Schema therapy can help,
attachment-based therapies have been shown to work as well,
and also, some medication options.
The most important thing
is that this treatment is regularly scheduled
and we understand that it'll be long-term.
But just as a reminder,
don't bring this up when you're fighting
or in the middle of a crisis.
Wait until things are calmer
and you can actually talk with them about it
in a loving and supportive way,
showing that you really care
and that's why you want them to get help and support
because you want your relationship to grow.
Number eight, get outside emotional support for you.
We all need this in relationships,
but especially if we're trying to remain
calm and supportive,
maybe even when we don't really feel like doing that.
Having other friends and family members
that we can lean on when we need it is really important.
Make time for that as well as some regular self-care time.
This will allow you to be strong
and assertive when you need to
and to keep your relationship happy and healthy.
I would also encourage you to get into therapy for yourself.
This will not only be a safe place
for you to get the support you need,
but it allows you to talk about your relationship
without any judgment or pressure.
You can get some helpful tools for managing crises or upsets
and you can also learn how to place and uphold boundaries
and how to lovingly be assertive with them.
Overall, loving someone with BPD can be difficult at times,
but it can also be really rewarding,
just like any relationship.
And by learning how to clearly communicate
and diffuse any crisis situation
should allow your relationship to grow and thrive.
This video has been brought to you
by the kinions on Patreon.
If you would like to support the creation
of these mental health videos,
click the link in the description and check it out.
And I hope these tips are helpful
and give you the tools you need
to strengthen that relationship.
But as always, what do you think?
How have you helped your loved one with BPD?
Or if you have BPD, what's worked in your relationships?
Let me know in those comments down below
and I will see you next time.
Bye.